Has anyone refused to stay on post natal ward due to men on the ward?

[PinkSnowAndStars]

Hi.

I’m not looking for a debate - and I understand how mums want their partners with them after giving birth.

I’m 26+5 with my second child. When I had my first in 2011 partners weren’t allowed to stay so there was no issue. This time my hospital allow Partners to stay on the wards in the 6 bedded bays with women that have just given birth. I’m a high risk pregnancy and will probably have to stay in one night after birth.

But the thought of staying in a bay with men terrifies me (childhood abuse) it’s literally panicking me and I don’t know what to do.

Has anyone had or heard of people refusing to stay? I don know what to do.

Yes Autumn no difference at all between male NHS staff who have been DBS checked, are there for a reason, and unless they want to lose their job and all that would entail won’t chance leering/acting unprofessionally. Than say a random ‘dad’/bloke who at worst could have history of sexual assault or at best will gawp at everything going on like it’s a fly on the wall documentary for his entertainment.

The fact that the Women’s Equality Party is campaigning for all PN wards to be open to male partners is one of the reasons I gave up membership.

I had a CS and coped with medical staff supporting me. Like any other patient.

And the men clustered round my neighbour’s bed, staring at me as I tried to establish breastfeeding was one of the reasons I left hospital earlier than recommended. They became so aggressive when the MWs asked them to leave they had to get security. I dread to think what it would have been like if one of them had been allowed to stay.

Exactly, and they wonder why many women have problems establishing breastfeeding, and yes male visitors being aggressive with the staff isn’t exactly going to make any patient feel safe. We’ve been sold down the river with this shite, as PPs have pointed out its due to staff cuts.

If they don't want partners to stay then they need to do something about the disgustingly staffing levels on the wards... I tore all my stitches getting my baby 2 hours post section because there wasn't the staff to get him for me and he'd been crying for a good 15-20 mins

You are the patient therefore your needs trump those of a visitor. What is the point of single sex accommodation if you have men there who are not receiving treatment.

So from your leaflet I know that this is my local hospital! I can say that when I had my first 4 years ago-men were not allowed to stay unless it was in the private rooms. I’m genuinely shocked this has changed. Lucky for me, I didn’t have to stay after birth, but I’ve not even experienced the abuse you have—-and I can categorically say I would be unhappy having men on my ward after giving birth. Please raise it with your midwife, if it will cause you distress.

In this day and age there shouldn’t even be wards. Everyone should be entitled to their own room with their own facilities, end of.

Responding to this with horror! Sending you lots of luck. I would absolutely hate that also.

I am incredibly grateful to Sunderland hospital for the amazing maternity services I received 6 years ago. All mums have their own ensuite rooms to labour in, then stay there, in that same room, for a night or two afterwards. It was an absolutely fabulous experience.

I am due to give birth in 5 weeks at the RVI in Newcastle. Hoping to give birth in their maternity led unit where again, each mum has her own room and ensuite, with a fold out double bed for partners who want to stop over. Visitors are allowed 24-7 as its a home from home environment.

They do also have wards in the consultant led maternity part of the hospital for high risk mums or for those who want stronger pain relief. We went on a tour of it as part of our antenatal course and it was SO much more clinical and less desirable. Fortunately, patners ARE NOT allowed to stay over on the wards and have strictly enforced visiting times. The women also seemed to be spread out amongst the many wards, and the staff certainly came across as being mindful of each individual's needs.

I can't believe the difference between what you're describing and what is on offer up here in the North East. Pleas push for your own room if they do have some available.

I work in maternity, midwife 👋🏻 We started allowing men to stay over night, they have a reclining chair. They have one bathroom with a shower and the rule is they wear clothes at all times. It was introduced following many women requesting partners to stay. Survey was done over a period of time and the consensus was that women wanted men to stay. So we introduced 2 four bedded bays with partners which quickly turned into the whole ward as so many women requested this. So a few years down the line, I would say 60-70% of partners stay overnight. Seems to be a different consensus online.

OP, I would speak to your midwife lovely

When I had DC2 last year my hospital had changed to have partners staying. DP didn't stay as i decided it was better he went home and had some sleep and then came back first thing to look after the baby while I tried to get some sleep.

There were 4 partners staying in our 6 bed ward. They actually weren't noisy or intrusive, which surprised me as I had been dreading it. But I suspect I was fortunate, and I think it's a rubbish system. Every other ward is single sex. They shouldn't be using partners to make up for a shortfall in staffing.

Mummyme87 out of interest, how do you accommodate women who don’t have their partners with them or don’t want to be around other people’s for whatever reason? Do you keep them on bays together? My DH likely wouldn’t be able to stay with me (as would need to be home with older child!) and I would be really uncomfortable on my own with a bunch of blokes in the same bay.

Uh - Saturday if you think giving birth is undignified, this might be the source of the problem.

There is nothing undignified about it. It is what it is. As I say - no-one else cares. They care only about your health and the health of your baby.

Yes, shared wards are awful. But I don't see what difference it makes if it's shared with men or women. Don't like it, get a private room.

I don't think we should be criticising a policy that encourages men to share responsibility for their children, rather than leaving women to deal with it, as has been the standard response.

Why should a man next door make anyone feel more vulnerable? Excusing people in the OP's position, obviously.

It annoys me that some GFs on this thread imply that women who need their husbands there to help them, because they've had an incredibly traumatic birth and are physically incapable of caring for their newborn in those first few hours, are some sort of snowflakes and need to be more empathetic. You clearly also need to be empathatetic to the trauma some women have just faced. If you have one woman who suffered lifelong trauma from sexual abuse years ago, and another who has just come out of surgery having almost lost her baby and her own life, there is no right answer as to whose trauma trumps whose. Surely in those first few hours the priority is caring for the babies post birth? If there aren't the resources for hospital staff to help mothers who are physically incapable, surely it's best that the dads step in and do that? I'm sorry if a few men have behaved inappropriately, but I'm sure the overwhelming majority of men are respectful and are too busy caring for their own baby and OH to notice the other women on the ward.

On a separate note, all wards have side rooms. I am sure OP would be prioritised for one of these if she flags her concerns now.

Mummy did you survey women afterwards about what they thought?
I filled in the survey before giving birth and said I thought partners staying was a good idea. Then had an awful experience. I had þ blood transfusions and a premature baby so was in a long time. Had to have curtains open first night as I was very sick (reacted to transfusion). Partners were using the patients bathroom, one kicked his partner out of bed and made her get him water etc plus all the arguing.
Midwife also told me off for not having my partner there. It's crap for those without partners, not first baby or simply that partner can't be there 247 for weeks in our case. Really worrying that they are expected to make up for low staff numbers and perform those tasks.
Anyway if the people conducting the survey had asked again afterwards I would've given a very different answer.

I think most of us have a lot of empathy for women dealing with the truly shit levels of cars there are on many postnatal wards now. It’s horrendous for far too many of us. But expecting women to bring in our own support really should not be the answer.

And for those saying 'just discharge yourself' I couldn't move and was hooked up to blood transfusions. When I was a bit better (maybe day 3) I did try to but was told I couldn't discharge DS and if I left without him social services would be called.
Not that simple is it?

😊53rdWay No, it absolutely shouldn't. But the NHS has been run into the ground and things are only going to get worse. Until that changes (and I don't believe it will, especially with the current government) then what's the alternative?

I'm sorry you've gone through what you have in the past OP but look at it the other way, some of the ladies on that ward may have anxiety issues about the hospital and need their partners there, staying with them. They may have things in the past which would mean their partners being there is important. I can understand your upset and anxiety I really can but those men are there to be with their partners and their new born babies, I wish my partner was given that option. I'd suggest perhaps speaking to your midwife and explain your past and the pressure you're feeling from it and hopefully she can organise a room of your own or a ward where the dads won't be staying. I hope you have a wonderful experience whilst at the hospital so you feel more at ease with your anxiety ( I know myself how awful it can feel) xx

The only reason why I would have wanted my DH to stay with me overnight is that I was getting no help whatsoever from the staff. And no the ward wasn't understaffed. The midwives and healthcare assistants just wanted to stay At reception and chat. It was August so maybe there were agency staff. What is certain is that they didn't give a damn.

If I had had proper support, then it wouldn't have crossed you mind to have DH stay overnight. Women need peace, quiet and most importantly privacy for gyne examinations and to establish breastfeeding.

One alternative: women who want their partners with them pay a fee for it, in the same way that some hospitals have a charge now for private room. The money gained that way is used to pay for more assistants on wards to improve basic care (like passing the baby over or getting the mother a drink). Bays split so that women who don’t have partners with them are big on bays with other people’s partners. Wouldn’t fix all problems, but it’s better than “bring in your own 24/7 support and tough luck if you can’t, or if you don’t feel safe or comfortable sleeping next to other people’s partners.”

Or partners who want to stay should be CRB/Disclosure checked before staying, at their own expense. If they’re there to provide care and they’re sharing rooms with patients overnight on poorly-staffed wards where nobody can keep an eye on them, that doesn’t seem so unreasonable.

I'm not sure making couples pay who have just gone through a traumatic, possibly life threatening birth should be an alternative tbh

Okay, what’s your suggestion?

Totally agree with Autumn. People are horrified when OP says "why should I have to pay because I was abused". Equally then, why should I have to pay because me and my child nearly died during birth?

Also, the CRB suggestion is bonkers. Firstly, it takes many months to be CRB checked. Secondly, it just says that you don't have a conviction. Do you think all of these men who are apparently looking up nighties and watching breastfeeding have actually been convicted of sexual (or other) offences?