Has anyone refused to stay on post natal ward due to men on the ward?

[PinkSnowAndStars]

Hi.

I’m not looking for a debate - and I understand how mums want their partners with them after giving birth.

I’m 26+5 with my second child. When I had my first in 2011 partners weren’t allowed to stay so there was no issue. This time my hospital allow Partners to stay on the wards in the 6 bedded bays with women that have just given birth. I’m a high risk pregnancy and will probably have to stay in one night after birth.

But the thought of staying in a bay with men terrifies me (childhood abuse) it’s literally panicking me and I don’t know what to do.

Has anyone had or heard of people refusing to stay? I don know what to do.

You shouldn’t have to pay! Nobody should have to pay for basic healthcare needs. This should be a properly funded service and it’s horrific that it isn’t.

But - if you’re saying that there isn’t enough money to give everyone those healthcare needs, then either we get more funds somehow or some women lose out.

Coffee you asked me what my alternative was to getting partners to providing care. That’s my alternative. It’s still awful, but at least it means everyone gets care and nobody’s sharing with strange men if they don’t want to. What’s your alternative?

IMO the default should be that there are no partners on the ward overnight unless the woman giving has a real reason for needing them there - anxiety, previous trauma, advocacy etc. Of course there are women who need someone with them 24/7. But there are also women who are the opposite and are terrified of being on a ward with that many unknown people.

The default in NHS wards is for single sex with single sex facilities. I don't understand why in some areas of maternity care it has suddenly flipped the other way and woman are expected to go out of their way and fight to get what is standard on all other wards.

I think we all agree that the current set up is so very far from ideal. We would all love more private rooms so partners can stay, in privacy for everyone. But the NHS can't suddenly magic up spaces with 40 private bedrooms (going by the number of women on my post-natal ward).

Devolving care onto partners and family members staying 24/7 is not an effective answer. And realistically, all it achieves long term is weaken the argument for more funding in maternity care.

Two wards. One where partners are allowed, one where women can be alone if they desire.

Honestly, I didn't even realise this was all such a big issue. My partner stayed with me for four nights and was a huge help which I couldn't have done without. He (and the other partners) were not allowed to use the patient toilet, he didn't receive food or drink the entire time we was there, he didn't wander, he stayed by my side helping me and tending to our baby in our cubicle for the whole duration. I think almost every woman on the ward with me had their partners too and I neither saw nor heard them except from during the day when it was all hustle and bustle during the visitors hours - and even then, it was the swarms of the women's family that bothered me the most, not their husbands/boyfriend.

I can understand why women who've been through trauma surrounding men may not want them near, but as someone else previously mentioned, there are also women out there who need their men with them for trauma/mental health reasons too.

I was lucky in that my emergency c section wasn't life threatening, but I was still incredibly shaken up and it did end up leading to me having post natal depression as a result. Our son was delivered at 10:09pm. Visiting hours stop at 10-11 usually on 'non staying partner' wards, don't they? I couldn't possibly imagine my son being born then my partner being told he had to leave straight away when I was a crying, unstable mess.

I think it's unreasonable to make couples pay for the men to stay, but I also don't think it's fair to put women in uncomfortable situations during intimate times. It's a tough one and I think the only solution is to split the wards

I think splitting wards (or at least bays) is a good solution for part of the issue, but it won’t help if the NHS is relying on partners to provide postnatal care. We just need more funding for that - it’s criminal that patients are expected to bring in their own.

Well that's a massive question .

Again, none of this will happen, but personally I'd raise taxes and ensure more of the money went to the NHS (frontline services not bullshit managers). I'd happily have booze, cigarettes, sugary food etc cost more and have more of the money spent on that plugged into the NHS. I just believe strongly that nobody should have to pay for emergency medical care, including spending money to have someone stay with you when you've just suffered a huge trauma.

I'd also make sure that the car park companies that make thousands of pounds a day from their hospital car parks had to pay some money to the NHS. Even if it was a relatively small percentage, it would still make a huge difference considering how chronically underfunded the NHS is.

There are loads of ways the government COULD get more money for the NHS, but they obviously won't.

On a separate note, I would also be happy for someone who has suffered sexual assault to be prioritised for having a side room over me (having had a traumatic birth) if they really felt that uncomfortable having men around them. Most hospitals have side rooms on all wards, so I think it's a really slim chance that someone who genuinely has concerns about being around men they don't know would be forced to stay in a room with lots of strangers.

I'm appalled that this happens, I didn't realise there were maternity wards like this!

When I had my DD we had our own ensuite room which was standard (NHS hospital); the ward didn't have any open or shared rooms and partners were allowed to stay but it wasn't an issue because everyone was in their own private rooms. Sounds like the NHS is a real 'postcode lottery' with this kind of thing.

Speak to your MW and hopefully they will be able to sort something out for you. You deserve to be as relaxed as you possibly can be, I hope it goes well for you

@MrsPworkingmummy I hate to be the bearer of bad news but partners are now allowed to stay overnight at the RVI on the postnatal Ward. What I will say is the staff were pretty hot on shutting down any undesirable behaviour and actually a lot of partners (50/50) didn't stay anyway.

also Autumn, I previously had an EMCS after a long labour on a ward that didn't have 24/7 partners. What my ward did was keep women and partners together on the recovery ward for a while (I think we had 6 hours? it's all a bit of a blur!) before we got moved to postnatal ward and he got sent off home.

I'm pondering the surveys themselves. What was the sample group? What was the number of people sampled - and were just women sampled? Were these expectant mothers or just a random sample of women? All of those factors would make a significant difference to the results.

From my own experiences in hospital, where there have been particular medical care needs, there have been staff on hand to deal with these - because quite frankly, what can a lay person do to help? The hospital would be weighed under with litigation. Imagine, where a newborn has almost died and the mother continues to have problems... and there's no staff? A private room isn't going to help there, is it?

The emotion needs to be taken out of the assessment for whether partners need to be allowed to stay or not - because this is either about healthcare - or it isn't. Patients who actually are reliant on a medical team rather than being kept company have to be the priority.

Autumn - I was in a similar situation to you. Actually had my baby at 8pm but didn't properly come round until the early hours of the morning. I have a vague memory of them passing DS to me and me being unable to lift my arms and hold him...then I can't remember anything until about 2/3am when I have a few foggy memories (e.g. DH lifting DS onto me and my BFing him). DH got to look after DS in the first few hours of his life and I'm forever grateful that he could do that when I couldn't (rather than being told he had to leave and that our baby would be alone in his first few hours). I also think I would have had a panic attack, or certainly been extremely anxious, if he hadn't been there in the early hours of the morning when I started to become more lucid .

ah Coffee, that's not fair! I'd raise taxes and increase NHS funding too before making anyone pay for anything on wards, obviously. I'm answering the question I thought you were asking, which was: if we can't get any more funding for the NHS, what's the alternative to getting partners to provide care?

We were in recovery for no more than an hour before wheeled round on to the ward. There's no way after only an hour I was calm enough, or even 'with it' enough to say goodbye to my partner and deal with my baby on my own.

Actually when I had my baby in the summer I had no idea that partners were allowed to stay overnight. It turned 10 and everyone was still around and talking loudly. I asked the midwife about the partners and she said they were allowed to stay so I told her if that was the case then I'm going home. They are not medical staff and I am extremely uncomfortable after having a baby and need rest, not to worry if one might get confused and wander into my bay. She soon got rid of them all. I think if you have a private room then a partner can stay but not on shared bays.

I had a c section and baby and I had to be kept in for a week as she had an infection. I paid for a private room so my OH could stay the night with me as I couldn't even get up or hold my baby as I was in so much pain and my midwives weren't the quickest to get to you if you pressed the button and I hated hearing her cry when she needed me and I couldn't get to her. I refused to let him sleep on the ward with me as I didn't want other women to feel the way you are feeling. However, I was the only one as all the other women had their partners there and one woman and her husband had a bicker at 3am on my first night on the ward which made me feel so angry at having to listen to them both in the middle of the night when I'd just had a baby! I would speak to your midwife and ask for it to be confidental.

Yes, shared wards should not allow partners to stay, and should have limited visiting hours to allow the patients dignity, privacy and time to rest. If someone has had a birth that renders them incapable of caring for their baby alone, AND there are not enough medical staff to provide that care, they should be given a private room and their partner/Mum/friend allowed to stay.

In other wards that are not maternity,you do get partners staying over night in exceptional circumstances. I have been on a ward with this. But it is not routine.

53rdway Why is it criminal to expect men to care for their own children?

Men aren't there to care for the women as such they are there to provide care and assistance to the baby. Think of it as an extension of the children's ward where the baby is the patient and either partner may be present at all times.

God I would have hated men on the ward overnight - was pleased when the visitors buggered off home. Had 3 c-sections so no chance to check out immediately.

Thank goodness I had my last nearly 13 years ago when this wasn’t a thing.

And I have no history of problems with men. Always got on well with men, have lived in all Male (except me) shared houses. But men all night onnthe ward? No thanks. In fact no thanks to visitors all night on the ward- of any gender.

Except the dads aren't visitors. They're a parent. If their kid is in the hospital, they should be there

Are both parents allowed to stay overnight in children's wards? In my experience, only one parent can stay overnight. And a postnatal ward is not just a children's ward - there are women with significant medical issues there too.

Some aren't even the dads, either. When I had DS 9 years ago the midwives kept referring to DH as 'your man' and not 'Dad'; when I finally asked why they said they were trained to do this because it's not uncommon for the partner to not be the father of the child. Thankfully, no partners overnight then.

I had two dads staying in my shared room because both mums were struggling with who'd been in nicu. Emotionally struggling... you know what that's like, OP.
I'd had a straight-forward delivery. Husband at home with DCs.I went home the next morning with our baby.

These mums had been in hospital for a month. They were close to going home but had a few more days to go. Their husbands/partners came to stay (not every night) but every chance they had in order to help support their tired, somewhat broken, fragile wives/partners. Because let's face it, you're left to it on the ward, holding yourself together. I think I was told to get cornflakes in the morning by a nurse. But basically, we're all pretty much on our tod. The NHS is great but it's a skeletal service at times.
One mum was crying. She had been there for a month. Her baby had been born with heart trouble. She was so tired and I could hear her talking and crying with her husband.

These aren't 'men'. These are partners, parents, rocks of support, family. They're human and they are mostly all these new mums have to help keep their sanity. They're not 'velcro' partners, ffs. Some people don't have it all nice and easy when they deliver a baby and they feel very alone, very vulnerable.

Let's just go back to the 60s when my mom had to give birth all alone.My dad wasn't allowed near her in labour, during the delivery, and for hours after delivery. She HATED that. I would too.

You're discriminating, OP and it's wrong!

You say you don't want a debate but how could this not be a debatable subject?

I think its odd that women would be left in the post natal ward for a month. My children are older now, but the post natal ward that I can think of was for women who had just given birth to stay a day or two just until the baby had passed it's first bowel movement and could be checked out.

It seems very insensitive to leave these poor women for weeks in that sort of atmosphere.