Has anyone refused to stay on post natal ward due to men on the ward?

[PinkSnowAndStars]

Hi.

I’m not looking for a debate - and I understand how mums want their partners with them after giving birth.

I’m 26+5 with my second child. When I had my first in 2011 partners weren’t allowed to stay so there was no issue. This time my hospital allow Partners to stay on the wards in the 6 bedded bays with women that have just given birth. I’m a high risk pregnancy and will probably have to stay in one night after birth.

But the thought of staying in a bay with men terrifies me (childhood abuse) it’s literally panicking me and I don’t know what to do.

Has anyone had or heard of people refusing to stay? I don know what to do.

I feel like I'm the only person who doesn't see a problem with partners being able to stay with their wives/girlfriend and their new babies.

I had an emergency c section with our first baby and I would not have been able to cope without my partner sleeping on the floor next to me for the four nights we was in hospital. He helped me more than he hospital staff did who were absolutely rushed off their feet and sometimes took hours just to bring me fresh water.

I understand why it makes you uneasy OP, but I'm genuinely shocked at the sheer volume of women on here who think it's ludicrous for the dad's to be able to stay!?

Really not understanding the objections to this - you are sharing a room with strangers. What difference does it make if they're male or female?

You either get on with it, on the basis that the other people hate being there as much as you and they couldn't give two fucks about what you're doing, or you get a private room.

During the labour, more strangers will have seen your vagina than in the rest of your lifetime. No one cares. Except maybe the dad, who is staying with you to help you through it

Here here Autumn, totally bonkers.

I do keep saying that I understand why they do it!

But why should I have to pay for a room because I’ve suffered sexual abuse in the past and can’t sleep in a room with other random men?

If I had my appendix out on a surgical ward, or was admitted to a medical ward with pyelonephritis I wouldn’t be put in a bay with men!

It’s not even like it’s £50. It’s £200! For one night. My husband will be at home with my child and quite frankly we don’t have that kind of money lying around!

pinksnow. If there’s a single room available there’s no way you should have to pay for it. Ask your hospital if they have any professional midwifery advocates and ask to speak to one (they used to be called supervisors). Ask what’s happened to the nhs pledge of single sex ward, dignity in care, etc.

It’s not ‘totally bonkers’ to not want a man you don’t know who isn’t even a patient sitting in a chair a foot away from your bed all night while you’re feeling incredibly vulnerable. This is why the NHS usually has single-sex wards everywhere else. Fine if it doesn’t bother you but have a bit of empathy for those it does bother.

goldenworld. Yes our hospital also did a survey which asked “would you like your partner to stay overnight”. Of course the majority said yes.

If they’d asked “would you like to share a small 4 bedded, already cramped bay, squashing 8 people in it, 3of whom will be strange men. One of whom will be 6” from you separated by a curtain, there will be increased noise, farting and snoring. The midwives will be slower answering your buzzer as they spend a lot of time letting men on and off the ward all night for fag breaks. If you get admitted during the middle of the night your bed may not be that clean as the partner of the woman in the next bed has sneaked into it when it was empty”.

Then maybe women would have said no to that!

Thankfully our hospital only has private rooms. Partners can stay in your room which is fine.
I can't believe that anywhere thinks it's acceptable to have partners in bays

I had my baby two years ago. I can assure you it is VERY common. I didn't sleep for several days and started becoming delirious because of a snoring man. I complained several times. The staff did nothing.

@brapbrapbrap That’s not helping you at all. Why wouldn’t they move you into another room or bay so you could rest?

I'm another who agrees you need to raise it with your midwife op. I wouldn't have stayed either.

I also think those who think their desire to have hubby dear on the ward trumps the right of another patient need to develop some empathy. If you can't possibly cope without hubbykins post birth, then how the hell do you think another woman who may have had an equally difficult birth will feel if she's on her own, at her most vulnerable, and is expected to put up and shut up with unknown males on the ward overnight?

Partners on wards are only ok if everyone agrees, and prepared to leave as soon as a patient isn't happy. Even if that's 3am. If not then the burden of paying for private rooms should be on those that want non patients to stay, i.e couples.

And I see a majority agreed on the surveys. Which means some of those who did not agree may have been very unhappy with it.

I would be really uncomfortable with this! My partner is great! But other men I don't know? -it would really scare me. Some men are dangerous, just because a woman is having their child doesn't make them safe.

I just remember some things shared on a thread ages ago of women who had had bad experiences with men staying over night on maternity wards. No sexual assaults, but leering at women breastfeeding, man complaining loudly about how disgusting there was blood in the toilet bowl, and man opening a woman's cubicle curtain to get a nurse when she was half naked.

I am really shocked - men on multi-occupancy postnatal wards? Wtf?!!!!

Good luck OP. Much sympathy x

God, it's horrifying and just so very, very wrong to allow this. A post-natal ward should be a women only safe space - I would hate to have someone else's bloke sleeping on the other side of the curtain from me, sharing the bathroom etc

Women's issues though, very low-priority, they will cut staff to the bone in this area once everyone brings their partner in to do the after-care.

During the labour, more strangers will have seen your vagina than in the rest of your lifetime. No one cares. Except maybe the dad, who is staying with you to help you through it

What a horribly dismissive comment. What the hell do you mean by it? That because you've experienced a vulnerable and undignified situation you won't care who sees you half-naked or breastfeeding?

This always concerns me. I haven't had children yet; but because of some medical issues, I'm aware that I'd need the dad with me afterwards. I've got a bad spinal injury that will likely mean immediate surgery after birth; and then needing to be completely still afterwards, so establishing feeding and holding the baby, feeding myself etc would need a lot of help; and having been on an NHS ward post surgery before and them been too busy to help for hours, I wouldn't trust the nurses to do it. If a private bay is an option, I'd buy one, but at my local hospital they are usually reserved for people who are having a stillbirth, miscarrying or have lost their child.

If there is no private bays available, for whatever reason, is there a solution here that means I can give birth happily without making anyone else uncomfortable? I have no desire to do that at all.

I've known women have partners to stay on single sex wards quite often; the nurses just checked with everyone that nobody minded at kicking out time. There was a lovely man who got me drinks after my last spinal surgery; and a nice man in urology after I had a kidney op. I'd never really thought this could be an issue.

I hope they find you a bay, OP

I was very lucky that after having my 2nd I got a private room straight away (at £200 though). However prior to my delivery (c-section) I was stuck on a ward for 3 days. In the bay next to me for 2 days was a couple where the man was a complete dick. He would arrive after work at about 8pm, spend 30 mins or so having loud phone conversations. Next we would be treated to the delights of his phone/radio on at very high volume for hours where he/they were listening to perhaps a debate show (sounded like the house of commons but couldn’t tell) that had lots of jeering & raised voices. He then would get into bed, gf/wife would be on chair! & then we would be treating to the snoring. His snoring was fucking unreal, we are talking Jurassic Park style water shaking. The 2nd night I had to leave my bed at 2am & sit on a brightly lit corridor outside the ward as it was so loud & I needed respite. If I had come across a needle or other sharp implement I would of stabbed him. I had the pessary 3 times & the docs warned me it would be a long drawn out labour if they proceeded with drip etc. I was so exhausted that I agreed to the c section as it was likely it was going to go this way anyway but I’m deeply pissed off that I couldn’t sleep in the lead up.

I'd be interested to know if those who are 'anti dads' on the wards, also feel strongly against male staff??

When I was in having my first son, I saw a lot of male cleaners, male doctors, male consultants, male anaesthetists, male midwives, I even had a student male midwife examine me to see how far along I was at one point! Granted, I could've easily refused it, but for him it was helping him to learn and I had no problem with that so allowed it.

They are still absolute strangers that will be around 24hrs a day, just because they have an NHS badge around their neck, I don't see the difference between them floating around and people's partners, they are, after all, still men..

I had a total of 6 nights in postnatal and transitional care recently. I was disturbed and felt more vulnerable as a result of people's hoardes of visitors during the day (including a revolving door of the cast of Jeremy Kyle) than I did because of any of the partners at night.

One night I was mentally cursing the male partner of the woman in the bay next to me for snoring like a warthog all night. Turned out he'd gone home and it was her all along.

My DH didn't stay, because he would have been beyond exhausted after a night on a crappy non-reclining armchair and no use to me during the day as a result. But I can understand why women wanted their partners there. There certainly weren't any men in boxer shorts at any point.

However I can see why some other women aren't comfortable with it. In the OP's case I'd really hope they could make a private room available. To my mind the whole concept of a postnatal ward is awful, just when you need rest the most you're shoved in with a load of other people and their babies. Had I been low risk I'd have been in a private room in the midwife led birthing centre and never had to encounter anyone else. I'd hope private rooms would be a model the NHS could gradually work towards in future as maternity services are developed over time.

At our antenatal class recently the midwives said they trialled men staying overnight but it didn't work for many of the reasons above, so now it's back to partners 8am - 10pm. Even though this is my first and have no prior experience, I actually felt relieved knowing that the night time will be mother/babies only on the ward.

That being said I completely understand that some women need and want extra support, but unfortunately not all men and women have the same values/manners/social awareness which makes these type of policies difficult.

I hope you manage to speak to your midwife about it OP, and that your experience will be a positive one

Sorry for what you have had to go through OP. I have to be honest, even though I'm fortunate not to have these issues, I did find the presence of men on the ward at best annoying, at worst invasive. I had a long stay on the antenatal and postnatal wards and I was going a little mad by the end of it. I had to go to the loo a lot and hated walking past men; I also had a humiliating experience involving wetting myself and was really conscious that the woman in the bed next to me had her husband just sitting there able to hear everything. I find it strange they've changed the rules- with my first it was restricted and I liked that. I loved seeing DH but didn't really want him there the whole time - boring for us both!

So I'd definitely talk to someone about it, they might be able to get you a single room. Good luck

And then there was the couple who decided to turn the ward into their personal restaurant, bringing in fast food and taking over the table to eat it at noisily. Meanwhile the hubby had bought in his paper work and was having loud conversations on the phone.

These things are not helpful when you're already anxious, either waitibg for labour to start or recovering whilst looking after a new baby in no sleep. I've always considered my mental health to be quite strong but I felt sorely tested after my hospital stay. And to those who are dismissing the OP's fears and concerns, you're missing the point of her thread!

Apologies for typos, typing whilst feeding DS on little sleep...