Unwanted Abortion

[ThisDevilWearsPrimark]

I'll be brief because it's really hurting me to write this for advice- any kind of advice. I know that I've done wrong so please don't judge as I feel bad enough already.

I met a (married) man online and have been seeing him for just over 2 years. He has a family and so do I. We see each other only very occasionally as he lives just under 3 hours away.

Anyway- long story short, I am 2-3 weeks pregnant by him and my sensible head is saying to abort the baby (I was always so set against it). My heart however, is saying that I'll manage- allbeit at the cost of my family, my marriage and most probably my job. I'm in bits, my head is all over the place and only the 2 of us know about this baby. I know that I've done wrong and been very selfish in what I want- I'm just desperate for advice.

Oh and, my OH has made it clear in the past that he doesn't want a second baby...ever, something what I've resented him for for over 4 years as I always did. HELP!

I think that’s the best course of action.

I don't think anyone is saying for you to abort and try and fix a marriage with someone you clearly don't love or respect. I think most of the advice has been for you to act honestly and to not drag it out. Do you really think you can fix things with your DH? Why would you subject yourself and your family to years of misery just because you cannot face the short term effects of your actions? And lose a baby you clearly want to keep. Ultimately your DS and DH will be happier in the long term if you're happy so bite the bullet and tell your DH what has happened.

So basically reading between the lines your going to abort the baby and pretend this never happened. People are angry because of how you are acting.
If your going to lie to your husband for the rest of your life I sincerely hope you trip up and he finds out. He deserves to know and he deserves better than someone who can lie to his face and pretend that everything is okay. How can you even live with yourself and go to sleep at night knowing your keeping secrets from him!?

I don't think anyone is bothered what your choice is with the child it's the betrayal and lack of any compassion towards your husband.

As I said I hope you either come clean or I hope to god he finds out and leaves you for someone who will treat him better

In your situation, I would keep the baby. You will never forgive yourself. This is your last chance to have a sibling for your daughter as you said before.

I think it's one thing to go ahead with the termination if you really loved your husband, but I think the relationship sounds doomed anyway, whether it's this month or in 2 years time.

I agree with @Hannabee123. I also find it troubling that you’re trying to pin the abortion decision on forum comments - if forum comments telling you to be honest with your husband make you abort then you should likely abort anyway.
Regardless, your choice, but have some basic humanity and tell your husband. It’s so incredibly selfish that you’re going to force him to endure a relationship with somebody who clearly resents and dislikes him, cheats on him and cares nothing for his feelings... because you want a “traditional family” - you lost “traditional family” the moment you opened your legs for another man. Your husband deserves more but it’s clear you have no intention to tell him. Anyway, that’s my two cents.

"Thank you posters. Your comments have made up my mind." Don't be so pathetic!

Thank you for your comments.

@ThisDevilWearsPrimark what an awful situation you are In. I haven’t been in the situation myself however I have had an abortion.

At the time I so desperately wanted to have the baby but my other half at the time was a massive you know what. It broke my heart having the abortion however now I know it was the best choice I ever made, I would never want to bring my child into an uncertain situation.

If I were to put myself in your shoes I would think of the long term effects it would have on my daughter knowing i had an affair on her father. And there are no guarantees this man is going to stand by you, no matter what he says, he’s sneaking around behind his family back as you are, which shows he isn’t the most trustworthy of people.
End things with you husband so you can both be happy. Have a child with someone who loves you and has his full attention on you and only you.

I hope everything works out for you

I had an abortion myself a few years back. Its something im not proud of and at the time rendered me completely incomplete. I felt terrible. And it took me so so long to get past it.

But since then, my life has transformed in ways i never could have imagined. And in hindsight, i know God meant for it to be this way, despite im sure many people would disagree.
The man i was pregnant by was not a suitable dad, and inevitably would have left me with nothing. He just was awful.

The point to me telling this story is that despite me asking close family what they thought i should do, no one would ever tell me. No one ever hinted that they thought i should keep it nor have a termination.
Sadly, no one can tell you what to do, you need to really think about the life you and the child would have. If its a life you are happy with then congratulations! But if not then you may have a rocky road ahead.

I guess that the only way to put this whole mess right is abort, stop all contact with OM and try and put things right with OH

So are you going to tell him the whole truth then I take it?

@ThisDevilWearsPrimark, just because you've made mistakes does not mean you should abort a baby you want to keep. Other posters are angry on your husbands behalf, but you don't have to do this as some sort of penance. Step back and decide what's right for you, not what you think you deserve. Kids survive their parents breaking up every day, and yours can too. It's not ideal but this wouldn't have happened if your marriage was a happy one, and usually parents who are happier apart are better for a kid than parents who aren't happy together. It's going to be okay.

OP, your marriage is over, you know that.

Do you want another baby to a father who may not be around and go it alone or do you want to forge a new life for you and your daughter?

No one here can answer that for you

OP do you love your husband? Don't stay for a traditional family fgs. End it with both of them and if you want this baby then keep it.

Oswin - I love OH like a brother. Physically we've had a drought for over 6 years and to try and rekindle anything now seems forced on my part. I am also not pinning my hopes on sailing off into the sunset to be with this OM. I'm realistic- I would rather be on my own that get railroaded into a relationship which has no guarantees of a happy ending at the end of this all. To be clear- I am not here for sympathy, but for advice from those who have been in a similar situation to mine. Your opinions, I value greatly.

I don't think you can 'put things right' with your dh unless you are honest with him. Honest that you had an affair and became pregnant. I don't think you can have a good marriage if you are lying and hiding something so huge. You can't be emotionally intimate with this huge elephant in the room. You will always be holding back emotionally, guarded and cautious about your emotions.

Yes he may well want to end the marriage, but at least you can communicate honestly with him as separated co parents.

Or he may want to try again. I have heard of marriages where they have stayed together and rebuilt after an affair.

I understand that you want a traditional family for your dd. But I feel that ship has sailed now.... With so many lies and so much upset on your part I think your marriage won't last if you carry on as you are, and you may bitterly regret having an abortion for a marriage that ended a year or two down the line. If you are honest with your husband and you both want to try to rebuild your marriage, then there is a small chance that could happen.

Please don't lie to him for 2 months for Christmas. It is infantalising and I'm sorry to say immature on your part. Christmas is just a day, it isn't worth two months of lies. Please be honest with him now. In two months I'm sure you'll be able to make a nice day for your dd.

In your shoes I think I would probably continue the pregnancy actually. Your last chance to have another child.

Practically what would be your situation if you had the second baby and were single? How are your finances?

To be clear- I am not here for sympathy, but for advice from those who have been in a similar situation to mine.

You aren't going to find a queue of people waiting to tell you they are married, shagging a married man and are now pregnant by him.

You are continuing to lie to your DH and in fact your DC to.

Start being truthful.

Thank you HopelesslyDevoted and ItsMe . I'm sorry to hear that you were in the same situation as me but your advice is taken on board. Thank you. I truly don't know which way to turn on this one. Helping to talk it over with a Professional next Tuesday will help massively, I'm hoping. They must deal with these scenarios quite often.

If it were me I would be honest.
You want another baby and you are now pregnant. Why have an abortion and keep up the pretence?

What about the other guy? Will he be involved and support you?

I've never been in your situation.

But do you think you could go through having an abortion when you know you want a baby?

Do you think there is actually anything to salvage with dh? From what you've said it doesn't sound like there is. He will eventually find out you've cheated.

I'd be getting ready to go it alone....sorry

What about the other guy? Will he be involved and support you?

Well as he is married with DC I doubt it tbh.

I'm not expecting him to tbh. I am quite financially independent but he has said that he will support me financially and definitely wants to be a part of baby's life. Well, my appointment for Counselling came and went yesterday only for the Sonographer to be absent so it's rescheduled for next Monday. This will be 8 weeks. OM was with me and was a great support- I was in bits. As each week goes by it's getting harder and harder to let go. At least I can take care of my baby for another week.

I'm not after advice now whichever way it may go...it's just good to type my feelings out.

I've never been in your position but I always believe honesty is the best policy. You might be surprised. I couldn't continue in a marriage living with somethibg like this in the back of my mind for the rest of my life and knowing dh wouldn't be with me if he knew the truth. My life would be a lie. I could never be happy and some of it is bound to rub off on dc and if you're not happy then what is the point of life?

I know you’re not after any more advice but I just wanted to say, I was in your position once and I chose the abortion. I regret it every single day of my life. If you have any doubts at all then please don’t do it.

What you're doing to your DH is truly awful. The affair is one thing but how you're handling this situation by continuing to be dishonest is such an awful way to treat someone.