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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Unwanted Abortion

180 replies

ThisDevilWearsPrimark · 02/11/2017 09:28

I'll be brief because it's really hurting me to write this for advice- any kind of advice. I know that I've done wrong so please don't judge as I feel bad enough already.

I met a (married) man online and have been seeing him for just over 2 years. He has a family and so do I. We see each other only very occasionally as he lives just under 3 hours away.

Anyway- long story short, I am 2-3 weeks pregnant by him and my sensible head is saying to abort the baby (I was always so set against it). My heart however, is saying that I'll manage- allbeit at the cost of my family, my marriage and most probably my job. I'm in bits, my head is all over the place and only the 2 of us know about this baby. I know that I've done wrong and been very selfish in what I want- I'm just desperate for advice.

Oh and, my OH has made it clear in the past that he doesn't want a second baby...ever, something what I've resented him for for over 4 years as I always did. HELP!

OP posts:

y0ungMum · 03/11/2017 18:37

If it was me I'd keep the baby, come clean and face the consequences.
I totally understand that you craved the affection because I'm exactly the same, I been with my partner for 4 years but long to feel like someone finds me beautiful (stupid I know as obviously my partner does but sometimes a little bit of extra attention makes you feel good about yourself)
I also know what it's like to long for another baby. I have a 3 year old and 2 miscarriages and I'm pregnant again (only 9 weeks) and I don't know what I'm going to do if I don't get this baby so for you to be pregnant after resenting your husband for 4 years for not agreeing to another one I'd say can be looked at as a positive. You're daughter gets to have a sibling and if it were me I'd rather have my wish and be alone with two children then live with the horrific guilt of aborting the baby you've longed for and stay in an unhappy marriage.
No matter what you've done, who you've shagged, you have every right in this world to be as god damn happy as you can be. And if that means being happy on your own then so be it. You can stay in an unhappy marriage all your life and then when you're on your death bed remember all those painfully long, miserable years you've wasted on the wrong people.
I say leave your husband and have your two children and YOUR happiness
Hugs xxx

Veggiehappy · 03/11/2017 18:54

If it were me I wouldn't make any rash decisions. Take some time to think it over and work out pros and cons of each.

My gut instinct is that you aren't happy with your husband or life and you really want another baby. You can always get anothet husband but it might not be possible to have another child so think carefully!

I think sometimes it can be worse for children to grow up in an unhappy household where the parents don't love each other anymore.

BishBoshBashBop · 03/11/2017 18:58

you have every right in this world to be as god damn happy as you can be.

Yes but you do not have the right to lie and be deceitful and string people along, which is what she is doing to her DH.

OP needs to tell her DH and the whole truth not an edited version.

JigglyTuff · 03/11/2017 19:01

Keep the baby. I can promise you (having had an abortion I didn't really want to save my relationship) that your relationship with your husband is absolutely doomed anyway.

Laceup · 03/11/2017 19:05

I'd dump both men,and raise my two kids alone...see how involved they both are with their respective kids...only abort if it's 100% what you want

BrokenBattleDroid · 03/11/2017 19:07

Can you imagine going ahead with the abortion and then not thinking about this longed for baby every day forever more?

You want this baby; it's the circumstances that you (understandably) hate. An abortion is not going to fix the circumstances, and although it may allow you stick your head in the sand (probably for a short time, potentially for a lifetime), it sound like you would regret it.

It's obviously your choice, but I would take a deep breath and decide the best way to plan for this baby's arrival. There will be a period of hurt and upheaval and horribleness, but it will be temporary. In 5 years time you will have 2 lovely children and have put it all behind you.

y0ungMum · 03/11/2017 19:09

Bish did I not say she had to come clean???

expatinscotland · 03/11/2017 19:15

Tbh, at 43 I'd not make any decisions re abortion because so early on I'd be prepared to miscarry or for things to not go well at the scan. Sorry, but it's definitely not a given at that age. Truthfully, though, your marriage was over when he decided no more children, ever and you weren't on the same page. I always advise people to split in such cases. In yours it might have meant 4 years to take other steps, but it's neither here nor there now. I'd probably go along to the clinic just to see what they advise.

Fleasinholidayhome · 03/11/2017 19:35

OP if I may speak plainly it seems to me that you don't want an abortion. With that in mind, would it help to explore why you are getting one? I just mean that if you look at your reasons for doing it it may become clear to you whether or not those reasons are your actual priorities or whether they are based on guilt. Because guilt is often due to other people's expectations and really this is your decision. I also echo the pp who asked how you think what you do now will pan out in five years time and if that's where you want to be.

tiddleywinks27 · 03/11/2017 20:21

You seem to really want this baby. Worse case scenario is you’d be a single Mum to 2 kids - very do able.

octoberfarm · 07/11/2017 01:32

Hi @ThisDevilWearsPrimark, just wanted to check in to see how you're holding up? Hope you're doing okay

Original poster

ThisDevilWearsPrimark · 07/11/2017 08:07

Hi. I'm getting there, October. Thanks. My appointment is this time next week and I intend to make full use of the counselling beforehand. Had a good few days whereby in my mind I'm keeping the baby after having read everyone's kind words on here. That is- yes, it'll probably rock everyone's world monumentally as my actions will shock and surprise everyone but about 10 years down the line it might change me for the better and my dd won't be an only sibling. OM is coming with me to the appointment and has been fantastically supportive- OH is still totally oblivious and we're continuing to be like ships that pass in the night. He honestly can't see anything wrong.

I know that the timing's lousy...but I really can't spill the beans this side of Christmas- it would ruin everyone's Christmas, especially dd's. Luckily for now, I have no symptoms except for no period which OH has commented on. I have broken down at work far too many times to mention at work and everyone has noticed which makes me feel even more guilty.

Ah well.....another week with my baby growing inside me and I'm loving him/her more by each day.

I know...It's no more than I deserve.

Thank you for everyone's input and advice. Shall update as things progress. Thank you.x

OP posts:

mindutopia · 07/11/2017 10:19

Just wanted to say I'm glad to hear you sounding a bit more positive. Yes, it's a complicated and shitty situation to have landed in, but sometimes the best things grow in shit (can I say that on here?). It sounds like you are more focused on the future, thinking about what you need to do next, and starting to feel a bit better about everything. I hope you continue to feel this way and continue to be supported and feeling good about the decision that (I think?) you've mostly made.

MollyHuaCha · 07/11/2017 10:25

Take care.

Littleraincloud · 07/11/2017 10:35

Honestly I'd keep the baby. You are going to have to tell your DH that you are
leaving because you've had an affair anyway, you don't actually have to say anything about pregnancy yet - many women don't even know at this stage

WitchesHatRim · 07/11/2017 11:16

You are going to have to tell your DH that you are
leaving because you've had an affair anyway, you don't actually have to say anything about pregnancy yet - many women don't even know at this stage

Continuing to lie and be deceitful is wrong. Her DH will work it out anyway.

The divorce is going to become acrimonious if OP continues to lie.

OM is coming with me to the appointment and has been fantastically supportive

Great, what about his DW and DC

Hannabee123 · 07/11/2017 12:07

How can you play happy families over Christmas!?
You should tell your husband and get it over with. Your husband is carrying on like nothing's wrong because the poor bloke doesn't know! And your happy to let this fester and have a good Christmas and THEN ruin it after which imo will be more devistating for him.
Rip the plaster off and stop being so selfish.

How disgusting that you can keep this dragging on.

thingymaboob · 07/11/2017 12:26

I agree with @Hannabee123 . Why would you torture you me DH for longer? Tell him now as he can start making plans and use the new year as a new start. I'd be furious if I had a nice Christmas with my DH then he turned around in new year and said he was leaving with a woman who is 3 months pregnant. It's really disrespectful and it's the least you can do. Grow up!

BishBoshBashBop · 07/11/2017 12:36

Also be prepared for your DH to divorce you on the grounds of adultery.

Hannabee123 · 07/11/2017 12:43

That's if she doesn't keep lying herself out of it or never tell him

MagicMoneyTree · 07/11/2017 12:47

I just can’t believe you’re planning on hiding this from your husband for so much longer. Fair enough if you want to keep the baby, that’s absolutely your choice, but ffs tell him the truth. Ships through the night you may well be, but he is still your husband and you are still carrying another man’s baby. I cannot even begin to imagine how devastated I would be to get to the new year and find out my happy family Christmas was all a load of total and utter bollocks. How humiliating.

octoberfarm · 07/11/2017 15:02

Glad to hear you're feeling a bit more positive too, @ThisDevilWearsPrimark. It's a shitty situation, but I'm so glad you're getting a chance to enjoy some time with bump, and that it sounds like you're feeling less like you have no choice. Whatever you decide, you'll make it work. I know you're getting a rough time on here but be kind to yourself, and please don't do anything you don't want to at that appointment. I think taking advantage of the counseling sounds like a fab idea, too

BigBaboonBum · 07/11/2017 15:31

This seems very weird to me. You keep repeating that you deserve it so people just tell you to keep it? You’re not going to tell him for that much longer?? It’s just cruel. You’ve done something really shitty and instead of just facing the consequences you’re getting mollycoddled on a forum because you’re feeling sorry for yourself.
Keep the baby or don’t, but either way you need to tell your husband who clearly doesn’t deserve any of this and should be given the chance of a life with somebody who doesn’t do this to him.
Youve been selfish and continue to be selfish just so you don’t have to admit to anything.

Put your big girl pants on and grow up.

Mrstobe90 · 07/11/2017 20:18

I'm sorry but it sounds like your marriage is over anyway. If you want this baby, you shouldn't terminate.

By staying with your husband, you are denying him the opportunity to find someone who will actually love him. Part ways, have this child that you so obviously want and move on to the next chapter of your life x

Original poster

ThisDevilWearsPrimark · 07/11/2017 21:02

I am quite well aware that OH is well within his rights on grounds of Adultery...and I'm not on here for the sympathy vote or, "mollycoddling", as I know I have done something incredibly stupid. Thank you.

I guess that the only way to put this whole mess right is abort, stop all contact with OM and try and put things right with OH. Least dd will have a traditional family unit that way.

Thank you posters. Your comments have made up my mind.

And thank you October for your wishes and concern.

OP posts:

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