Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Unwanted Abortion

180 replies

ThisDevilWearsPrimark · 02/11/2017 09:28

I'll be brief because it's really hurting me to write this for advice- any kind of advice. I know that I've done wrong so please don't judge as I feel bad enough already.

I met a (married) man online and have been seeing him for just over 2 years. He has a family and so do I. We see each other only very occasionally as he lives just under 3 hours away.

Anyway- long story short, I am 2-3 weeks pregnant by him and my sensible head is saying to abort the baby (I was always so set against it). My heart however, is saying that I'll manage- allbeit at the cost of my family, my marriage and most probably my job. I'm in bits, my head is all over the place and only the 2 of us know about this baby. I know that I've done wrong and been very selfish in what I want- I'm just desperate for advice.

Oh and, my OH has made it clear in the past that he doesn't want a second baby...ever, something what I've resented him for for over 4 years as I always did. HELP!

OP posts:
Mrswoman2017 · 02/11/2017 10:27

Nc for this.
I have 3 dc to a married man. He was involved at his request and my agreement until his dw found out about our affair (4 years) he pays no cms - don't want his cash - she stayed with him (his punishment) my dc don't know he is their df, will tell them in time - and that he wasn't man enough to be there for them. If you can go it alone them do, but don't expect any support from him.

Finola1step · 02/11/2017 10:27

Your marriage is over anyway. You don't love your H and you will end up despising him if you have an abortion to keep the peace. You are being very unfair on him by staying.

Tell him the truth. Make plans to separate. You having an abortion then comes down to if you want this baby. Do not expect the OM to step up in any way, shape or form. Work out if you can do it alone and go from there.

NeganLovesLucille · 02/11/2017 10:38

I had an affair in my first marriage, confessed, left him and then went back. Two years later, I had another affair and left him permanemtly. I know it was all wrong before anyone says it. What I am saying is that if you have had an affair then your marriage was over any way.

Personally, I could not have had an abortion if I had become pregnant. Your marriage will not probably work as you will resent having to abort a wanted child. People will be be hurt, but they will accept it all in time.

MoggieMaeEverso · 02/11/2017 10:52

Imagine yourself in five years time, ten years time, looking back on this time.

One path: you're still in a loveless marriage, now racked with guilt and resentment.

Another path: you and your two children have made a life for yourselves, completely different from anything you could have imagined.

Another path: you and your daughter live together, having left your husband after the abortion anyway.

And many other paths are possible... You are together with your lover, you have a third child, you find a different partner, you move overseas, your husband rekindles the romance with you... Who knows?

You can't predict the future, but only you know what decisions you can live with. Looking back from the future, which decision will you wish that you had made?

Original poster
ThisDevilWearsPrimark · 02/11/2017 10:58

Thank you for your non- judgemental replies. It feels really good to talk about it and it is helping me more than you'll ever know.x

OP posts:
auntym · 02/11/2017 11:02

You see this other man "very occasionally", this doesn't sound to me like love. If you are not madly in love with this other man (and you don't both plan to spend your lives together properly) I would end it now. Pursuing love is one thing but messing with marriages for the occasional shag is a mistake. The decision about the baby can only come from you, what does your heart tell you? The effect of a separation on your existing child is something not to be underestimated and the resulting guilt can be crippling. I would say if you want this baby you are going to have to be honest with your DH and deal with the consequences - which may well split up your family. However if you are desperate for a baby and you and your husband cannot find a compromise, maybe it will not last anyway. I am sorry you find yourself in such a difficult situation and wish you luck finding a way forward.

MagicMoneyTree · 02/11/2017 13:22

As you asked what others would [hypothetically] do, I personally think I would have a termination in these circumstances. My primary focus would be my current child and it can be hard enough for them to adjust to another sibling without said sibling being the reason mummy and daddy aren’t together and life has been turned upside down. I’m not saying that’s 100% how a new baby will be viewed, but not worth the risk imo and my existing child’s wellbeing would be my primary concern.

HOWEVER... that doesn’t mean you can’t leave, meet someone and have a second baby if that’s what you want. You can’t compromise on a 2nd baby- you either have one or you don’t- and if one of you wants one and the other doesn’t, someone is going to feel resentful.

As others have said, this is a decision that only you can make, but as you asked I wanted to share my thoughts. It sounds like you’re in a bad place. Hope life starts looking up for you soon.

meltingmarshmallows · 02/11/2017 13:44

Not being overly black and white about it but your marriage is pretty much over, either way. So as someone said earlier, it’s most likely a choice of going it alone with one baby or two.

It sounds as though this baby is very much wanted, so whilst it would be very disruptive for your family and life I would say to really consider your options before doing something you can’t take back.

Original poster
ThisDevilWearsPrimark · 02/11/2017 14:56

Thank you everyone so far for your input. If I'm being totally honest, right from when OH told me he didn't want any more children, I've started to resent him from day one. There will be no other opportunity to have another lo with another man either as I'm 43 and consider myself too old to start afresh with someone else.

I guess that I'm better off having the abortion which kills me to write as it's less disruption to everyone in the long run. As for me and my eternal guilt and sadness for my lost baby...some would say just desserts . Feel so alone :( .

OP posts:
WitchesHatRim · 02/11/2017 15:01

Have been with OH for over 20 years and family will always come first. I just feel so about it all.

Well that's contradictory. It hasn't come first has it as you are having an on going affair and are pregnant by another man.

Your marriage is over so you need to decide. No one can make that decision for you.

You need to be truthful to your DH too.

NeganLovesLucille · 02/11/2017 15:24

Sweetheart, I know and understand the guilt you feel for having an affair. Do not have an abortion just to punish yourself. I started to sel-harm to punish myself for the guilt that I felt over my affair. I also completely gave up any financial entitlement to our house, money etc in the divorce. All of this was down to guilt and had a massive impact on my life for years.

You may regret a termination if you really want the baby and your marriage might not survive anyway. It is not just desserts at all. You have behaved badly but you do not deserve to be punished for the rest of your life.

Lozmatoz · 02/11/2017 15:47

If you endure the guilt and unhappiness forever, as you say, will you be a good mother to your DD?

Oldschool41 · 02/11/2017 17:02

I know it’s easy for me to say but do not be so hard on yourself. We all make mistakes it’s all part of life. Don’t make any rash decisions about the baby because of how you are feeling right now. Sounds like your marriage was already rocky due to your husband not wanting anymore children. You say you wanted another child well now is your chance so what if it’s because of an affair. Everything happens for a reason. Be happy 😀

thingymaboob · 02/11/2017 17:23

You say this married man wants to be there emotionally and financially... does that mean he's telling his wife and wanting to be with you full time? What is he going to do?

7to25 · 02/11/2017 17:44

I think you should explore with yourself whether the desire to have another child was so overriding, the antipathy towards your husband because of his refusal so consuming that you had an affair. This resulted in a pregnancy. Is that what you wanted all along? Maybe not even consciously. If that is the case then an abortion would devastate you and i doubt your marriage would survive...even if another, logical part of you wants it to.

WitchesHatRim · 02/11/2017 18:03

I think you should explore with yourself whether the desire to have another child was so overriding, the antipathy towards your husband because of his refusal so consuming that you had an affair. This resulted in a pregnancy. Is that what you wanted all along? Maybe not even consciously. If that is the case then an abortion would devastate you and i doubt your marriage would survive...even if another, logical part of you wants it to.

Either way I doubt the marriage will survive.

I don't imagine her DH being overly pleased with OP being pregnant by someone else!

mindutopia · 02/11/2017 19:20

I've never been in this situation (either having an affair or an unwanted pregnancy). It's not comparable, but I do know what it feels like to have a baby you lost (even though very much wanted). Sometimes these things are out of our hands, but sometimes the things we don't even know we always needed find a way of happening despite it all.

I think it sounds like your marriage is over and it's unlikely this relationship will go anywhere either. But I know I wouldn't want to live with the guilt and the what ifs of a baby that could have been but wasn't. I'm not you, so only you know what you need to do, but I would make something good come out of this situation and have this baby and create a life for your dd and this child. You've lived with resentment for years now it seems, and unhappiness. I wouldn't be chained to guilt the rest of my life now too.

That's me, not you. But I'm a big believer that things happen for a reason and maybe this is something you never planned, but it's exactly the way your life was meant to go, so you can start fresh and find a different kind of happiness.

ElspethFlashman · 02/11/2017 19:25

There's no way I'd have an abortion at 43 if I'd been broody for 4 years.

Yes the circumstances all suck. You would be a single Mum of two. But you would likely be happier than now.

expatinscotland · 02/11/2017 19:29

You should have left this OH when he told you he never wanted another child and you did. But now that you're pregnant, I think I'd keep the baby, split with both and go it alone.

Crumbs1 · 02/11/2017 19:30

The first thing you need to do is to stop being so selfish and be honest to your husband. He has an absolute right to know the situation, get STD checked etc. and decide whether he’s prepared to remain with you and try to work out a way forward. The hurt you’re feeling isn’t anywhere near the hurt you’re causing and you need to start being honest. It might be painful but not as painful as living a lie.
Once you’ve had the discussion with your husband you can then decide whether you wish to abort or not. You’ve a little time to make that decision yet.

Original poster
ThisDevilWearsPrimark · 03/11/2017 00:56

Thank you all for your replies. Ok a quick update - have decided to call the Clinic tomorrow to book an appointment to be seen next week. Either to talk it through with someone or start the abortion process. My heart feels so so sad...

OP posts:
octoberfarm · 03/11/2017 01:47

I've never been through something like this either OP, but you sound so brave and so scared in a horribly difficult situation. Truthfully, it doesn't sound like your marriage is built to last anyway. Affairs are symptoms of the problem, not the cause. I think I'd think about how you'd feel if, down the line, you had the abortion and your marriage fell apart anyway. You ending up divorced/not together will be tough for your DD now or down the line, but she'll survive. It's hard, but it happens, and as long as she has you by her side, she'll be okay.

It's a horrible situation to find yourself in but at 43, with a baby you've wanted for such a long time - I know I'd keep it. But only you can know all the ins and outs. You just seem so sad, and I always so strongly feel that you should never have to do this if it isn't what you truly want. Sending a hug and hoping you find whatever path is right for you Flowers

LilQueenie · 03/11/2017 02:02

you are in a marriage where you resent your OH. End it. Your child will be better off as it can get worse. Staying with someone for the sake of a child does not work. this is coming from the view of myself as a child in a turbulent family.

You wanted another child and now you have one. Your older child will have a sibling. Chances are somewhere down the line your marriage is going to end anyway from current unhappiness . Your eldest would still have to go through changes.

pallisers · 03/11/2017 02:37

What would I do?

Early termination - would not think twice.
Counseling as to why I ended up where I did
Sort out proper contraception.

Battleax · 03/11/2017 02:48

Look, I'm as pro choice as you can be, but you're not going to get dispassionate counselling at an abortion clinic. It's not what they do.

The "2-3 weeks pregnant" thing is confusing me too. When did you test? What are you basing those dates on? It's almost too early to know you're pregnant. Pause and think for a few days.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.