Unwanted Abortion

[ThisDevilWearsPrimark]

I'll be brief because it's really hurting me to write this for advice- any kind of advice. I know that I've done wrong so please don't judge as I feel bad enough already.

I met a (married) man online and have been seeing him for just over 2 years. He has a family and so do I. We see each other only very occasionally as he lives just under 3 hours away.

Anyway- long story short, I am 2-3 weeks pregnant by him and my sensible head is saying to abort the baby (I was always so set against it). My heart however, is saying that I'll manage- allbeit at the cost of my family, my marriage and most probably my job. I'm in bits, my head is all over the place and only the 2 of us know about this baby. I know that I've done wrong and been very selfish in what I want- I'm just desperate for advice.

Oh and, my OH has made it clear in the past that he doesn't want a second baby...ever, something what I've resented him for for over 4 years as I always did. HELP!

I say "almost". It IS too early. 2 weeks pregnant is the day of conception,give or take.

It's very easy for someone on an Internet forum to tell you to leave your husband and to abort your baby, with no attachment.

Abortion is a huge decision and actually when it comes down to it, an incredibly difficult thing to go through with.

Regardless of anything else, if you choose to proceed with an abortion, you can't carry the secret with you, because it will absolutely consume you. You will need love and support from people to get you through the other side.

I don't have alot of sympathy to be honest both families are wrecked so it's doesn't matter what you do I don't think there's is a positive outcome. You should tell your husband he deserves that atleast.

battle Clear Blue Digital tests will say 2-3 weeks pregnant.

What would I do? I’d do what I want. Not what the two men in my life want.

I would talk to your husband. A relationship based on lies is never going to be a successful one. Do you really want this secret hanging over your head for the rest of your life?
I would tell him everything then the ball is in his court in whether he wants to stay or leave. You are then free to choose the decision you want to make knowing that you have no more secrets.

I would keep the baby. Your marriage is over

Regardless of your decision on the abortion I feel your marriage is over.

Don’t abort thinking you can carry on as before with your H. You will have changed and resent him more for being part of your decision.

If you don’t want the pregnancy abort that’s the right and best thing to do but don’t think it will rectify your family situation as I don’t believe it will.
Your marriage was probably over before you became pregnant.

Your marriage was probably over before you became pregnant.

Tbh the marriage was over as soon as the OP decided to carry on an affair for 2 years.

I don't understand why you decided an affair would be the appropriate option above all others.
If you have no feelings or your feelings changed towards your husband why didn't you just separate on good terms and it would have been less traumatic for children involved.
If you wanted more children you could of found someone else to settle down with again instead of going beind your husbands back and that guys wife's back.

How did you think this would end!? You must have known what you were doing.

The reason I say that I have no sympathy before anyone jumps to attack me.. I have been cheated on before and it sucks beyond words. Instead of breaking things off you decided it would be better to go off having sex with some guy who has a family and then go home to your family and pretend nothing happened!
Do you realise how your husbands going to feel!? Do you realise how that man's wife is going to feel!? I can tell you know I still suffer and have issues from what happened and I've met an amazing guy who wouldn't do anything to hurt me like that.
Then of course there's children involved too.

The child is down to you. If you want it then keep it. If not then dont. But don't expect the other man to hang around because you might not be the only person he is seeing and there is his other family to consider.

Definitely don't expect your husband to hang around I know I wouldn't.

At your age, given your yearning for another child, I wouldn’t have an abortion. I think your marriage is dead and if you abort then you have no baby and no marriage.

Do be prepared though that things are more likely to go wrong post 40. I hate to be the voice of doom and gloom but better to be prepared in my experience.

OP, don't have an abortion if you don't want one. Please. You will always regret it if you do.

I would come clean with your OH and explain that you are keeping the baby - then let the chips fall where they may. Either way, focus on the child you have and the child you are carrying, and building the best life for them.

So.....have just called the Clinic and have booked myself in for Counselling and the first part mid-November. Broke down on the phone call but thankfully the lady was so kind. I'm early enough for a non-surgical as I've found that I'm now 5 weeks this weekend. Non surgical.

Feels like an actual living hell.

And what’s going to happen afterwards?

I echo what a lot of other people have said on here. Your marriage is over and has been for some time. It started to die when your husband and you had such differing ideas on how many children you want and the affair was the final nail in the coffin. There is no way back from this point. If you abort your baby then you will just end up hating your husband before you have separated and the process will be much more bitter and difficult as a result. If you and your husband are capable of being grown ups then your current child need never feel like their sibling was in any way to blame for the marriage breaking down, I don't know if your husband is up to that challenge.

My last relationship broke down due to his affair and it hurt like hell - but it freed me up to find someone who would treat me with more respect than my ex ever did. We were far too different and I was independent enough not to realise that was a problem.

There is no way that at 43 I could abort a baby I wanted so much.

I wish you all the best and I hope things work out for you.

Well don't have the abortion as some kind of self flagellation as you feel guilty.

Your marriage sounds dead in the water (isn't it?). Why not free yourself and your husband from it, and then decide, as said upthread, whether you want to be a single parent of one or two?

I wouldn’t have an abortion if I were you. It just doesn’t seem right for you and your marriage is failing already. Could you live as if nothing happened with forever?. I really don’t think anyone could take that emotional pressure.

I agree with others that my DC would take presidence in this situation. I couldn't just take him away from a happy life because I wasn't careful and had an affair. I don't mean that to sound harsh but it is how I feel.

There are other ways of having kids without your DH or any other man for that matter. Adoption/IVF with a donor could be options to look into.
I think if you do go ahead with an abortion (that's a big IF as it sounds to me like you really don't want to and your decision has to be your own on this one) then I would start to put things in place to slowly separate from DH with as little impact on DD as possible. Then get myself into a position where adoption or IVF with a donor is possible. And take full advantage of the counselling available for after the decision is made.

I think it is far to late in the day to start thinking about saving your marriage. So please don't frame any possible abortion as being "best" for your husband. Have/dont have the baby based on what's best for you and your dd (without any crazy ideas of staying with your dh "for her sake") and tell the poor bastard you married the truth.

It's anyone's guess what happens next. Heartache for someone, for sure.

Have since spoken to the other man and he's coming up over the next few weeks to support me.

For now though, I actually feel really comforted about the fact that I'm keeping my baby until mid November at least, anyway...

Maybe OH and I were never compatible in the first place, looking back - he wanted children when we were a lot younger - I wanted to continue my career.

I just hope that I take the brunt for this whole mess. It's the least I deserve.

Thank you everyone for your comments- both good and bad.

Have since spoken to the other man and he's coming up over the next few weeks to support me.

Right so I take it you've told your DH that your marriage is over then?

Have the baby. You have desperately wanted another child and you would feel very sad if you killed it. I think your current DC will love it too.

The fall out would be terrible but the end result would be a second child.

It's your choice and only you know what's the best/least worse option. But - if I was you and aborted, I can't help but think this would be the end of your marriage, you'd resent him more, feel guilty and unhappy and end up breaking up anyway at some point... if it was me, I think I would keep it. But that's very easy for me to say!

Good luck. Go with your heart, not your head :) x

There's no way I'd have an abortion at 43 if I'd been broody for 4 years.

Me too. OP at your age and with your feelings about wanting another child please think very carefully. Don’t destroy your own sanity for the sake of others. It may not help them anyway.

for you.

Your marriage is over. It is sadly v clear.
I personally would do what pp said

"What would I do?

Early termination - would not think twice.
Counseling as to why I ended up where I did
Sort out proper contraception."

But given that you would v v v much want and love this baby I think you should leave your husband and start a new life as a single mum with 2 children.

For now though, I actually feel really comforted about the fact that I'm keeping my baby until mid November

And this reinforces my point.