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Original poster

Funeral at 39 weeks - what to do?

117 replies

ps2304 · 19/02/2017 12:40

My grandma passed away this week. Her funeral date has been set and I will be 39weeks. My parents are worried about me going and getting very upset and raising blood pressure etc. I don't know what to do. They have suggested I miss the church service and just go to the wake which will obviously be a less emotional part. I don't know what to do. It's my first baby and Midwife has mentioned I am showing signs I might be early... if I miss the service and just go to the wake is that disrespectful to my grandma? I'm already feeling uncomfortable and tired etc and I'm only 37 weeks...Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
ps2304 · 19/02/2017 12:40

Obviously if baby does come early I will have to miss the whole thing!

OP posts:
DanGleballs · 19/02/2017 12:43

I am sure your Granny would have wanted whatever is best for the baby and you.

Just going to the wake sounds a good comprise.

Theimpossiblegirl · 19/02/2017 12:43

I'm sorry for your loss. Flowers
What would your Grandma have wanted you to do? I bet she would have wanted you to look after yourself and the baby. The service is a formal way of showing respect and saying goodbye. You don't have to put yourself through it. Go to the wake if you feel up to it. Take care.

Heratnumber7 · 19/02/2017 12:45

Would you really get so upset as to raise your blood pressure?Hmm

DanGleballs · 19/02/2017 12:45

I am sorry for your loss, it must be especially difficult for you so late in your pregnancy.

archersfan22 · 19/02/2017 12:47

Sorry that you have lost your grandma.
No it's not disrespectful to your grandma if you don't feel well enough to go, for whatever reason.

However I doubt that getting a bit upset is going to cause you any significant medical problems.
I think if it was me a lot would depend on how far away it was - if there was any significant travel involved I wouldn't be going, if it was round the corner and I felt well immediately before I would consider it and maybe sit at the back in case I needed the loo. Wake only if it is local would also be a reasonable compromise.
I guess maybe there's also the question of will it distract your mum if you are there and she is worrying about you? (Not necessarily a reason for you not to go in itself, but might tip the balance if you are undecided).

kathrynelizabeth3005 · 19/02/2017 12:47

Hi OP, I'm so sorry about your loss :( hope you are doing okay and all of your family are rallying and supporting each other.

Ultimately it's only you who can decide whether to go to both parts. Funerals are upsetting and emotional yes, but mothers and babies can withstand stress in the womb and it doesn't necessarily mean if you went, you would go into labour as a result.

Personally, I'm extremely close with my grandma and if I was in this situation, I would go as even at 39 weeks pregnant, (I'm 32 weeks and already pretty knackered and uncomfortable) I would still feel like I needed to attend for my own sanity and saying goodbye to a close relative.

I hope you're okay and whatever you decide to do, it's your choice to pick, not anyone else's.

Sending lots of hugs.

Original poster
ps2304 · 19/02/2017 12:48

She would absolutely have wanted me to take care of myself. I just worry other family members would think I was being disrespectful if I miss the service.

OP posts:
Original poster
ps2304 · 19/02/2017 12:49

Thank you for your kind words everyone

OP posts:
peukpokicuzo · 19/02/2017 12:53

You absolutely do what is best for you. Although I don't think missing the service is what I would do myself - are you sure you would find the service distressing and stressful, rather than bringing some closure and peace? If you had door to door taxis and a friend with you to support you (someone who didn't know your gran and could be totally about looking after you) then would you want to be there?

The only reason to not go is if you actually don't want to.

Worrying about other people judging you is not a reason to go.

AgentCooper · 19/02/2017 12:55

Your granny would understand OP.

isupposeitsverynice · 19/02/2017 13:00

I went to my grandmothers funeral heavily pregnant. It was very sad but it never occurred to me not to go - there was a fair old distance to travel as well. You do what you need to do - but funerals are an important part of grieving so if you are going to miss it be sure that is the right thing to do.

eurochick · 19/02/2017 13:01

How far from home is it? This would be my only concern, tbh. I really don't think having a bit of a cry and saying goodbye is likely to have any effect on your pregnancy. But if you don't feel it's right for you to go, then don't.

Somehowsomewhere · 19/02/2017 13:03

I would go unless I physically didn't feel able (SPD or something).
Sorry for your loss.

AssembleTheMinions · 19/02/2017 13:05

My dad's funeral was 4 days before my due date. It didn't occur to me not to go. I really can't imagine why you would miss a loved ones funeral simply because you are pregnant and might cry.

Sorry for your loss though Flowers

OhTheRoses · 19/02/2017 13:06

How far away is it? If not too far I'd just go if I was up to it. I'd probably prioritise the service over the wake though.

WorraLiberty · 19/02/2017 13:06

Sorry for your loss, OP.Flowers

I was pregnant at my own mum's funeral. It was tough but I got through it.

You need to do what's best for you.

Penfold007 · 19/02/2017 13:09

So sorry for you loss Flowers I was heavily pregnant at my grandfather's funeral, it was fine. Last year my niece was 40 weeks at her grandma's funeral, her bag and notes were in the car and we just made sure she could sit when ever she wanted etc. She said afterwards that she was really glad she went.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 19/02/2017 13:11

Don't assume that the wake will be less emotional tbh especially if you haven't been to the service.

Gwilt160981 · 19/02/2017 13:12

See how you feel on the day, who cares what others think? I'm sure you're nan wouldn't of held it against you.

Allatseainthemidlands · 19/02/2017 13:17

I think a funeral can be a really helpful way to say goodbye so I wouldn't necessarily want to miss it. It may feel odd too being the only person at the wake who wasn't at the service. But I think this decision should be about what you feel and how you want to say goodbye- nobody with any sense will think you're being disrespectful if you feel it's better to stay away.

sycamore54321 · 19/02/2017 13:28

I am sorry for your loss.

You don't mention a long journey so I assume the funeral is local to you. In that case, I wouldn't dream of not going. The distress and upset is in the bereavement, the loss of someone you loved very much. Not attending the funeral will not change that pain and might even make it worse. Funeral rituals are a way almost all societies cope with grief. I think you would regret not going. I do not believe there will be any harmful physical effects from attending. A funeral for much-loved elderly person can often bring a sense of peace. What would you be doing otherwise? Sitting home alone? That would definitely not be any less stressful and you would not have the support of others who also are mourning your granny.

I sense that the only reason it occurred to you not to go is the comment from your parents. So follow your instinct and say goodbye to your granny.

ExpectoPatronummmm · 19/02/2017 13:28

Ok this will get me slagged off but...

You're pregnant.
Not suffering from a terminal illness.

I'm pregnant with my 3rd so I know what I'm talking about.

Crying at a funeral is not going to harm your baby.
A trip around Asda is more likely to do worse.

viques · 19/02/2017 13:35

I am sorry for your loss. my twopennorth for what it is worth is to go to the service and the wake. I think the service will be upsetting, but sitting at home thinking about everyone else at the service will also be upsetting. I think you will regret it if you don't go.

GinIsIn · 19/02/2017 13:38

How far is it from the hospital? It's actually quite hard to raise your blood pressure enough to do any harm so I wouldn't worry about that.

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