Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Funeral at 39 weeks - what to do?

117 replies

ps2304 · 19/02/2017 12:40

My grandma passed away this week. Her funeral date has been set and I will be 39weeks. My parents are worried about me going and getting very upset and raising blood pressure etc. I don't know what to do. They have suggested I miss the church service and just go to the wake which will obviously be a less emotional part. I don't know what to do. It's my first baby and Midwife has mentioned I am showing signs I might be early... if I miss the service and just go to the wake is that disrespectful to my grandma? I'm already feeling uncomfortable and tired etc and I'm only 37 weeks...Confused

OP posts:
Rednailsandnaeknickers · 19/02/2017 16:03

PFB-itis from the (soon to be grand) parents I think ... highly unlikely you or your baby will have any adverse effects whatsoever from attending the service.
I've attended funerals with relatives who were in advanced stages of horrible debilitating diseases, including mourning their life long partners. They coped, I think you can too. Just make sure you have plenty of chances to sit down and rest.

NerrSnerr · 19/02/2017 16:08

I had my sibling's funeral when heavily pregnant after they died suddenly. Our bodies are clever and make sure the baby stays well however upset and stressed we are. I can't imagine a funeral raising your blood pressure so high it's dangerous.

In my opinion if you are physically well enough to go and you would have gone when not pregnant you should go as you may regret missing it.

AllTheLight · 19/02/2017 16:12

Personally I would go unless it involves a long journey. I think afterwards you might regret missing it.

TheCakes · 19/02/2017 16:15

It's sad but I'd go. I don't think there is a risk to the baby by you getting upset. You must be upset anyway.
If you don't feel up to it, then don't go. I'm sure your gran would understand, as would the rest of the family.
But funerals are one of those things you can't change later, like weddings are.
What do you want to do?

ArriettyClock1 · 19/02/2017 16:22

Unless you're too unwell to attend - I would go.

Not sure what the blood pressure comment means, as I don't think attending a funeral is likely to affect it.

Somerville · 19/02/2017 16:25

It's only if it is far away from your hospital that I think you actively shouldn't attend. Aside from that, if you want to go, then go.

I don't think people should be expected to attend funerals if they would rather not be there. So no-one should put pressure on you to attend just like they shouldn't put pressure on anyone to attend, frankly.

In my experience wakes can be just as upsetting though, TBH.

Leggit · 19/02/2017 16:29

I agree with expect.

You are being just a teeny bit precious. I understand in times of grief we can lose track and not think very clearly, but to honestly think you will come to any harm whatsoever by attending a funeral is utterly ridiculous. The emotional side is a bit confusing to me, surely if you are gutted to lose your granny you are going to feel emotive whether you go to the funeral or not?

MissClarke86 · 19/02/2017 16:32

I'm also not sure how it would affect you medically. Plenty of pregnant women will have stressful and upsetting situations at some point in their pregnancy without it causing medical harm.

I'd feel worse if I didn't go. I think sadness is less likely to cause BP issues than stress, which is what you might feel by not going.

user84637252772 · 19/02/2017 16:40

I went to my grandads funeral when I was 35 weeks. It is what it is, very sad and painful, but I wouldn't have not gone just due to pregnancy.

Unless you already have high blood pressure or some other complication I can't imagine getting so upset to the point your blood pressure would raise dangerously Confused

parklives · 19/02/2017 16:40

I find it odd that you are thinking of missing the funeral.
Generally funerals are a celebration of a life well lived (as your say is your gran and you are old enough to be pregnant).
If you are physically able to go, I don't understand why you don't.
It is a snub to not put yourself out to go to a funeral, funerals are usually inconvenient to most people attended, at least you don't have to take time off work etc.
I think you look back with disappointment if you don't go, and yes I think you will be judged by your family.

parklives · 19/02/2017 16:41

And sorry to nerr for the lost of your sister Flowers

SockswithSandals · 19/02/2017 16:43

Sorry for your loss Flowers

You are however being slightly ridiculous. Pregnant women deal with much more traumatic situations and are perfectly fine. Even if you were to sob your eyes out for the whole service I doubt this would raise your blood pressure to the point of it being dangerous and you'd end up going into labour or developing pre-eclampsia!! And of course you feel tired. It doesn't matter how many weeks you are. I'm guessing this is your first baby? Wink

Original poster
ps2304 · 19/02/2017 16:43

The funeral would be 2 hours from the hospital. And as I am already super uncomfortable I dread to think how I will feel in 2 more weeks. I guess I will just have to see how I feel on the day...

OP posts:
tabulahrasa · 19/02/2017 16:44

Why would the funeral be more upsetting than the actual bereavement?

peukpokicuzo · 19/02/2017 16:45

Is it possible that your parents are suggesting this because they (or whichever one of them the deceased grandma is the mum of) want to be able to focus on mourning their lost mum at the funeral and would find it difficult to navigate their own grief in the presence of a daughter clearly in need of some tlc?

If that is possible - is it a thing to be acknowledged and accommodated or should op not have to adjust her own mourning to fit in with a parent's need?

Thirtyrock39 · 19/02/2017 16:45

agree with parklives. Stick your bag and notes in car if long way to travel. I'd think the wake would be more physically tiring than the funeral
Sorry for your loss

likeacrow · 19/02/2017 16:47

I'm 38 weeks 2 days and would definitely do unless it was too far away.

Original poster
ps2304 · 19/02/2017 16:47

It's not just my parents, my aunties said they would be surprised if I attend. I guess everyone has their own opinions and that is ok. My brother and cousin are unable to attend so it would not just be me who wasn't present if I didn't go.

OP posts:
likeacrow · 19/02/2017 16:47

do = go

Somehowsomewhere · 19/02/2017 16:47

But the wake will be just as far away from the hospital as the service?
I really don't see the sense in going to the wake and not the service. Surely the service is going to be less upsetting than the bereavement?
I can't imagine not going to the funeral of a close family member just because I was heavily pregnant.

Original poster
ps2304 · 19/02/2017 16:49

The wake is about half an hour closer so an hours less driving time...

OP posts:
OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 19/02/2017 16:49

I think emotion-wise it'd probably do you more good to be there for closure, unless you didn't want to go. I'm thinking more about the practicalities physically - is it a long journey? I only made it to 37 weeks but I was so uncomfortable, I couldn't imagine sitting on an uncomfortable wooden pew through a long service at that point.

SockswithSandals · 19/02/2017 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Somerville · 19/02/2017 16:51

I'd be too uncomfortable to travel for four hours (assuming 2 hours each way?) at 39 weeks pregnant, and neither would it be ideal to stay away over night.
But if you're travelling for the wake, you may as well attend the funeral as well.

likeacrow · 19/02/2017 16:53

OP if your brother and cousin can't attend maybe even more reason for you to show willing? I was at my DH's grandad's funeral a couple of weeks ago. Not emotional for me as I barely knew him but in terms of being tired/uncomfortable, I just sat down a lot. Even for hymns etc when everyone else was standing.

Swipe left for the next trending thread