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Pregnancy

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Original poster

Funeral at 39 weeks - what to do?

117 replies

ps2304 · 19/02/2017 12:40

My grandma passed away this week. Her funeral date has been set and I will be 39weeks. My parents are worried about me going and getting very upset and raising blood pressure etc. I don't know what to do. They have suggested I miss the church service and just go to the wake which will obviously be a less emotional part. I don't know what to do. It's my first baby and Midwife has mentioned I am showing signs I might be early... if I miss the service and just go to the wake is that disrespectful to my grandma? I'm already feeling uncomfortable and tired etc and I'm only 37 weeks...

OP posts:

ThreesMyMagicNumber · 19/02/2017 18:46

Like Assemble I went to my dads funeral 4 weeks before my due date, I also did a reading. It upset me, but in the run up to it, I was in fact more worried at prospect of early delivery and missing it. If you are healthy in pregnancy then you needn't worry.

KeepCalm · 19/02/2017 18:47

My mum's funeral was when I was 40wks with DD3.

I managed and it gave me a good reason to excuse myself.

Just do what you can manage & feel up to. Nobody will think anything of it.

Sorry for your loss

OhTheRoses · 19/02/2017 18:49

You might have a baby by then OP. DS1 was 36.3, 8 hr labour. DD 41.5 (not expected to reach term) - waters broke at 8pm, contractions started at 10, dd arrived at 10.52 and only because she took a bit of pushing out at 8lb 13.

Don't go. Anything can happen. All my labours started with my waters breaking. No prior warnings.

KeepCalm · 19/02/2017 18:49

We were 2hrs away in the height of summer too but I managed.

If it's that important you just do.

SummerHouse · 19/02/2017 18:53

if it's that important you just do

I think this can be equally applied to missing the funeral.

PurpleTraitor · 19/02/2017 18:55

I did a grandparent funeral at 35 weeks with my first. The worst thing was the pressure to call the baby after the grandparent - not the wooden pews.

I am sorry for your loss and wish you luck with the baby.

NameChange30 · 19/02/2017 18:57

Sorry for your loss, OP

I haven't read the whole thread but I have read your posts.

Coincidentally I will be 39 weeks tomorrow and if there was a family funeral, I would attend. I have PGP so I can't stand or walk for long, but I'm fine sitting. For the service I would sit towards the back, at the end of the aisle, so I could discreetly get up if I needed to (e.g. if I needed the loo or was uncomfortable and needed to change position). For the other parts of the funeral involving walking or standing I would just take it easy and rest if necessary - sit quietly on a chair in the corner for example.

Personally I would want to be at the funeral in order to "officially" say my goodbyes. But if you feel that you said your goodbyes to your grandma before she passed away, and that's more important to you than attending the funeral, then I think you should give yourself permission not to attend.

The only thing I will say is that you seem to have been listening to a lot of opinions from various family members. I suggest you do your best not to listen to them and trust your own instinct on this.

Also if you don't have to give a definite yes or no at this point, it would probably be wise to wait and see how you feel nearer the time. During my pregnancy I've found a lot can change over the days and weeks, I've had bad patches and better ones.

cocochanel21 · 19/02/2017 18:57

My Dd1 died when I was pregnant with Dd2.

Yes I was upset at the funeral but nothing would have stopped me going (some family members did suggest it)
In my experience I found it more upsetting having to go to the mortuary and in the end I couldn't go in and that is something I still regret.
Sorry for your loss

NameChange30 · 19/02/2017 19:02

PS You could also take a cushion in case there aren't any in the church.

NameChange30 · 19/02/2017 19:03

Cross post. So sorry for your loss coco

Oysterbabe · 19/02/2017 19:59

If you're planning to drive the 90 minutes to the wake you may as well drive the 2 hours to the funeral.
However it's obvious you don't want to go, so dont. You don't need our permission.

Sittinginthesun · 19/02/2017 20:55

Sorry for your loss, OP.

The clear answer is, it depends, and it is your choice. Going to the funeral won't hurt your baby in any way. Whether it is too much for you is another matter.

With DS1, I would have found it okay at 37 weeks, but by 39 weeks, I could just about waddle around the local shop. He was so low, I was really in early labour, and DS1 was born at 39+5.

DS2 arrived at 36 weeks. I missed a relative's funeral two weeks later (again, theoretically could have gone, but it was freezing, snowing, cold church, breastfeeding baby, everyone told me to stay at home.

If you feel well, and want to go, then go. Take your notes and hospital bag.

If you feel scared/have a real urge to stay near home, then your Grandmother would have understood.

nursebickypegs · 20/02/2017 01:24

Sorry for your loss OP. How close were you? I know if my Papa passed away (god forbid), I'd go regardless of my own health as he's my absolute number 1 guy.

However, if it was my Dads Mum....

stolemyusername · 20/02/2017 01:58

Op I wouldn't make any decisions right now and see how you feel on the day.

I do want to say though that I wasn't able to attend my mums funeral at 37 weeks because of travel/pregnancy and I have found that not attending was really hard for me and I still get upset that I wasn't there 18 months on.

KittyWindbag · 20/02/2017 02:40

Only do what you feel you ought to do. If you think you can't face it emotionally then don't. Don't bow to pressure to stay away if you really want to go.

ScarlettFreestone · 20/02/2017 03:30

ps23 my condolences on your lost. You must do whatever you feel up to.

The funeral isn't for the person who has died. It's for all the people who are left.

Your Grandmother knew you loved her, you said your goodbyes.

Your parents and aunties aren't demanding you go, so you don't have to worry about that.

The only question is what you want to do. And you don't need a bunch of strangers (some of whom are quite, quite rude) to give you permission.

It's ok to go. It's ok not to go.

I do have some personal experience. I went to a close friend's Mum's funeral 37 weeks when I was pregnant with twins.

It was about an hour away from home but it was in a big city so plenty of hospitals. I took my notes with me.

I couldn't drive by that point (too big) so my Mum took me.

It was upsetting but it didn't impact my blood pressure. (Though fortunately I hadn't had any prior BP issues).

It was very tiring though, and I did have a little problem getting a seat at the funeral tea as it was very busy. We didn't stay for the whole thing, just long enough to pay our respects. The actual funeral service was less stressful than afterwards.

In summary, I went and it was upsetting and tiring but it didn't do either me or my two babies any harm.

However that was my choice - it doesn't mean it has to be yours.

You need to make whatever decision works best for you. You don't have to decide today. See how you feel nearer the time.

If I have a really hard decision to make I usually flip a coin. That generally clarifies my thinking.

Best wishes

harleysmammy · 20/02/2017 11:09

Its up to you whether you go or not, if you feel you're up to it and you want to go then you go - maybe just take your notes with you. Ultimately if you dont go, i'm sure your grandma and family will understand. Its a stressful time for anyone let alone for someone ready to drop. Sorry for your loss

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