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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Funeral at 39 weeks - what to do?

117 replies

ps2304 · 19/02/2017 12:40

My grandma passed away this week. Her funeral date has been set and I will be 39weeks. My parents are worried about me going and getting very upset and raising blood pressure etc. I don't know what to do. They have suggested I miss the church service and just go to the wake which will obviously be a less emotional part. I don't know what to do. It's my first baby and Midwife has mentioned I am showing signs I might be early... if I miss the service and just go to the wake is that disrespectful to my grandma? I'm already feeling uncomfortable and tired etc and I'm only 37 weeks...Confused

OP posts:
RedAndYellowStripe · 19/02/2017 17:18

tabu as a guess, I think the OP was thinking people would tell her how it would feel for them, not that she was stupid etc... because she is planning to do things in a different way than Said posters.

Saying 'I would have had no issue doing the trip, the funeral would have more important for ME than the little bit of discomfort' is ok.
Saying that the OP is melodramatic or that not going to the funeral is ridiculous isn't.

HTP

ps2304 · 19/02/2017 17:18

And for the people saying I want everyone to agree with me, this is not true. I just find the name calling unnecessary.

OP posts:
parklives · 19/02/2017 17:19

I don't think anyone has been rude to you op.
You obviously don't want to put yourself out.
Otherwise you would just wait and see how you are feeling on the day, rather that ask the question two weeks before on here and get arsey that some people think you're being selfish.

IPityThePontipines · 19/02/2017 17:19

Oh poor OP, generally not wanting to do anything because of pregnancy doesn't go over well on here. People get weirdly macho about it.

If you don't want to go, don't go. Funerals are not mandatory and your family are ok with you missing it too.

I would just have a think as to if you think missing the funeral would affect your grieving process.

ps2304 · 19/02/2017 17:19

My feelings exactly redandyellow

OP posts:
RedAndYellowStripe · 19/02/2017 17:20

ps if you are worried about the effect of being very upset etc... on the baby, maybe have a word wth yu R MW about it. Esp if she has already said this baby might be early. She might well say that such a long drive isn't suitable for you (or she might not). She might say that the upset would be an issue at this time on the pg (or she might say it is).
If I was you, I would check with her.

parklives · 19/02/2017 17:21

Take a cushion for the seating, or sit on the end of an aisle so you can get up and move if you need to.
At 39 weeks you are going to be uncomfortable wherever you are, even sat at home on the sofa.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 19/02/2017 17:26

This is hands down the most ridiculously precious thing I've read on here in a long time, and that is saying something!

If you don't want to do something, own it and just say I don't want to. Down make downright pathetic excuses to get out of it.

I've had 3 babies, the last two pregnancies I had horrendous SPD, sciatica and daily migranes- felt like dogshit and hurt so badly- but if my grandmother had died, I wouldn't have thought twice about going!

Are you going to be equally wet when your baby is here?! Brew

Chinnychinnychinnychib · 19/02/2017 17:26

I went to my Dads funeral at 33 weeks pregnant, it was awful, massive funeral (due to nature of his death) everyone was staring at me, I was exhausted, ended up with awful braxton hicks and had to go to the local maternity unit, really public and embarrassing and worst of all I knew my Dad would have been furious with me for putting myself through it. And, by the way, I'm far from precious. FAR.

eurochick · 19/02/2017 17:28

A funeral service is only around half an hour in my experience. I've lost both my grandmothers in the past six months and the service was an important part of the goodbye process for me. I wouldn't like to have missed them. A good friend lost her mother in late pregnancy and went to the funeral. She's a doctor working in paediatrics so I imagine if their were any known ill effects she would not have gone. But we are not you. It sounds like you really don't want to go, which is fine. You don't need to justify your decision to mumsnet.

ArriettyClock1 · 19/02/2017 17:30

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PonderLand · 19/02/2017 17:43

It depends how you feel on the day. By 39 weeks with pgp I couldn't sit down/stand up without my partner. I definitely couldn't sit in a car for 2 hours then stand up and carry on as normal, my hips/pelvis used to lock so I couldn't move.
Everyone feels differently in pregnancy and it's totally understandable if you didn't want to travel that distance, due to whatever reason. I personally wouldn't use the excuse of blood pressure, I'd just tell my mum to apologise on my behalf to other family. Tell the truth and your actual genuine reasons.

Underbeneathsies · 19/02/2017 17:49

OP, please ignore all the competitive "mightier than thou" posters, your needs are more important than theirs, or their past stories, or their axes to grind about how pregnant women should be treated, or their opinions about pfb.

OP if you have a problem with blood pressure don't go. Your doctor and midwife have an opinion about this no doubt, which we aren't privy to.

As you've said, you have said your goodbyes to your grandmother and I think you aren't expected to go.

Fwiw I was in full health, no BP problems, just a twinge of spd, and I found a funeral I went to at 7.5 months damn uncomfortable. Even though I didn't drive I found the 2 hours in the car, getting in and out, walking over the uneven ground in the cemetery, sitting on the pews was agony. As I said I did have a touch of spd.

The reason I went to the funeral was I hadn't got to say goodbye and I wanted to meet my cousins who were going as we live all over the country a d abroad, and I knew I wouldn't see them for a while.

I was exhausted after the funeral and my pelvis was very sore afterwards. I wouldn't have gone if I had been further along in my pregnancy. I went on reduced hours for two weeks after, and took the last month off as I couldn't walk long distances or carry anything. I think I could have stayed working longer if I had not gone to the funeral.

Don't go. You sound like you're a lovely dutiful person, but you need to put your needs first. You've said goodbye to your grandmother. No need to see how her remains are disposed of.

Just as an aside, in Ancient Greece women were never allowed to go to funerals, and especially were not allowed to go if they were pregnant. While I in no way advocate a return to those prescriptive taboos and controlling measures, I think sometimes customs have a basis in reality.

Apart from the super women who have answered (rather unkindly IMO) upthread and seem to have axes to grind, I think most people wouldn't expect you to put yourself out at such a time.
Imo being a feminist is supporting all women in all their choices, not just expecting them to soldier on and do what you did, even though the circumstances are different, or even if they're the same. This thread isn't the place to wave a banner for your agenda about pregnant women doing the same things as working women, or their rights etc etc.

OP You don't need to go, and I would consider this a start of you becoming more self centred about your self and your baby. You will need to flex those muscles, so start now.

I am sorry for your loss, I hope you aren't too sad.
I wish you the very best of luck with your little baby's safe delivery and early sleep deprived weeks with your new baby.

Please let us know how you get on?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 19/02/2017 17:52

OP, please ignore all the competitive "mightier than thou" posters your needs are more important than theirs, or their past stories, or their axes to grind about how pregnant women should be treated, or their opinions about pfb.*

Wow....

Underbeneathsies · 19/02/2017 17:53

I think the unkindness on this thread gets the wow actually piglet

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 19/02/2017 17:58

I think the unkindness on this thread gets the wow actually piglet

Well I disagree. My friend had no choice. The OP does. If she doesn't want to go fine. I'm not sure however why you would want posters to give you reasons as to why you shouldn't go.

Underbeneathsies · 19/02/2017 18:05

Piglet dear, your friend's loss while shocking, at 30 weeks, has nothing to do with the OP's loss, much closer to her due date.

This isn't a competition between your friend who buried her husband when she was 30 weeks pregnant and the OP who will be a lot closer to her due date, and who wasn't married to the deseased.

No one can be a winner if we compare ourselves to others and declare one to be somehow more worthy and a winner. How can you even think your friend's experience has anything to do with the experience of the OP?

We cannot imagine how it would be to be your friend and the sorrow she must have suffered when she was five months pregnant. Very different to the OP.

Did you use up all your compassion on your friend?

Chinnychinnychinnychib · 19/02/2017 18:07

For support, don't be be so fucking disingenuous.
Jesus, if mumsnet has descended in to giving heavily pregnant bereaved a woment a kicking then that's a tragedy all of its own.

NosyBarbara · 19/02/2017 18:12

The nastiness on this thread is unbelievable. Op is both bereaved and heavily pregnant, the horrible comments are unnecessary. Do what's right for you op

PresidentOliviaMumsnet · 19/02/2017 18:15

Evening all

May we ask for a bit of peace and love please?

Mungobungo · 19/02/2017 18:30

Sorry for your loss OP.

As you know, only you can decide what feels right and you might not even make that decision until the day.

Attending the funeral is highly unlikely to cause any harm to you or the baby, but a two hour each way car ride is likely to be uncomfortable. The service itself will be around 30-40 minutes, so sitting in a hard pew should be manageable (unless you have mega haemorrhoids going on).

If you do decide to go, make sure that you have your notes and hospital bag packed in the car read , just in case as all women at your gestation should. It may also be of use if you get the phone number of any maternity unit that she closer to the funeral venue, as a back up plan. If nothing more it may make you feel a little more secure. Also, if you do go, go as passenger not driver and make sure that the driver is ok to leave or turn back if you're not feeling up to it (say, DH to drive rather than your parents for example).

Personally I'd have to go. I've been bereaved many times, lots of really close relatives and I could never imagine not being able to say a goodbye. Funerals can be awful, but I feel that it's important to go. Often it feels better having gone and done that formal farewell. I also do feel that it's a way of honouring the deceased and by not going, I'd be doing them a dishonour. But that truly is just my opinion, and should impact on you making yours.

Only you can make this decision

haveacupoftea · 19/02/2017 18:32

I guess it depends how close you were, my maternal grandmother is more like a mum and I couldn't miss her funeral.

In my experience the service is easier than the wake as its formal, quick and you can just leave after. Wakes go on for ages, everyone rakes over the past and gets all emotional etc. Thats just my own feelings though. Do what is right for you.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 19/02/2017 18:36

Did you use up all your compassion on your friend?

You have a go at others about compassion then post something like that.

You have no idea about my life tbh.

SummerHouse · 19/02/2017 18:40

I totally get this OP. I find funerals overwhelming and anxiety inducing. I went to DP's grandads funeral at 37 weeks but found a middle ground in that we had to take 2 yr old so I followed him round the graveyard for the service and we all went to the wake. Sounds like the wake may be middle ground for you. Flowers

likeacrow · 19/02/2017 18:42

2 hours there and 2 hours back I would prob count as too far to be honest OP. (At this stage of pregnancy and it's my first pregnancy. Don't know if it's yours?) That would potentially stop me going rather than the other factors you mentioned (emotional factors and the discomfort). Personally.