Parents in law staying with us after the birth? - Advice please!

[aquasea]

Hi everyone,

I was wondering if anyone could offer me some advice. I am currently pregnant with my first baby (due end of May). The problem I have is that my husband's parents live in Australia. They want to come over after the birth and stay with us. We will be in a tiny two bedroom cottage. I have said that they can come 4 weeks after the birth. I think they are a bit put out by that (and I don't think my husband is that happy either). I am just worried that having a tiny new baby (especially with it being the first), adjusting to being a mum, breastfeeding...all that stuff will be very stressful and that having the in-laws there will be the last thing I will need. Perhaps I am completely wrong though. Having never done any of this before I would really love some advice from those of you that have had babies!!

thanks,
Aqua xx

Aqua You have done the right thing but if your inlaws are still refusing to accept the situtation you will have to find some sort of middle ground or risk alienating them and upsetting your dh (I know - I have a tricky relationshop with my mil, like lots of people). But your dh has to bite the bullet and tell them once and for all they are not staying! Even if it makes his mum cry. Which it might. Has he tried sending them a floor plan of the house? Sounds bizarre but I bet it will focus your fil on the space issue even if won't make sense to your mil. Rather than a hotel, why don't they stay in a self catering cottage, then you could also have the option of visiting them (if very close obviously) and leaving when you want to!

Aqua - well done for tackling the issue so well ... I'm glad dh sees it from your point of view.

PiL will eventually see the point (I hope) - get dh to write down the reasons why it's not a good idea - that way, he can make sure he says everything he needs to.

Really hoping this goes well for you.

ejt

I have only just seen this thread and havent read all of the posts, but it is making me feel stressed just at the thought of having inlaws to stay.

Would you want anyone to stay in your house for 4 weeks? Of course not, even the perfect houseguests would rub you up the wrong way in that time, and you them. Add in a new baby, stress, sleepless nights, hormones the list goes on and on and it is a recipe for disaster. you have no idea how you are going to feel with your baby and even the smallest comments from wellmeaning people can ruin your day.

I am sure I am just repeating what everyone else has said but I feel so strongly about it I had to post.

well done aquasea. Hotel or bunkhouse it'll have to be!

I think this thread is great and am going to print it out to show DH. With DS1 his parents were round 'to help' for about 3 days in the massive heatwave of early Aug 2003. DS was not sleeping much and I was struggling to bf. It was about 30 degrees in the house.

My abiding memories of that ghastly period are of MIL marching up the stairs to yell at us as we grappled with screeching DS, 'give him some boiled water! He's TOO HOT!' and then actually having the nerve to strop off sulking when DH told her that she wasn't helping.

She barged in one time when I was feeding DS and literally stared down my cleavage as I fed. I think she was trying to share some sort of womanly moment with me. EEk, I was in pain and just wanted her to go away NOW.

I ended up unable to go downstairs at all due to having to face their constant, witless babbling about what was on the telly, the evils of London, the perfectness of their own offspring as babies etc when all I wanted to do was slump on the couch and watch music videos.

They are certainly expecting to do the same when DS2 is born and are already making noises about how unfair it is of us (me e.g.) to expect them to fork out for a hotel or stay with BIL cos we are the ones with the 'big' house, etc etc. I have told DH that I don't want MIL anywhere near me after this birth. She can come and visit DS2 between breastfeeds and I will NOT be present. When he next needs feeding, she can go.

I think you'll be doing really well if you can stand them coming round every day, tbh! Although mine is a definite witch-MIL and yours may not be, although she shows disturbing signs of not being able to take a hint.

Good for you aquasea.

Your MIL sounds like hard work, but I am glad you DH is sticking by your side and hope he will continue to do so.

Definitely not, though I have to say I was upset that my inlaws didn't visit DD2 until she was 3 weeks old! However they only ever stay for 1 or 2 nights, notseveral weeks!

You mentioned that they said they didn;t mind the baby crying at night and waking them up, get DH to tell them that you do mind as it would cause you stress trying to keep the baby quiet, because you would no matter what they say.

Anyway, the best of luck with it all and let us know how it goes.

Hi Aquasea,
I haven't had a chance to read all of the thread but well done on talking to your husband again(congrats btw!!)

My MIL insited on staying with us the week after our first baby was born. It was a nightmare and we have gone from getting on ok to really not liking each other and her insistence on staying was the start of the problem. I had to have an emergency c-section, I felt miserable and vulnerable, couldn't bathe my own daughter and was struggling to get to grips with breastfeeding with her always in the way. She didn't help at all so I felt crappy as the house was a mess etc.
It is all just additional pressure that you do NOT need at this time.

I will always remember my husband having to actually ask her to leave the room when the health visitor came around. MIL sat and listened to all the questions etc and then my husband asked her to leave the room as he wanted to talk to the health visitor without her there. Even he couldn't believe his own Mum didn't tactfully leave the room without being told!!

Do not back down on this!

Ellie

I have to add about my MIL, she is a lovely lady but at times when I have just had my babies, I get really stressed with her.

She lives abroad most of the time and when DD1 was born she stayed with us as she had no other place to stay. (my SIL was just in the middle of moving) My dh was due to go away on a course for about 5 weeks. She didn't help me with any housework, food prep or tea making, and the first night she stayed when dh left for his course was the night she developed colic. She screamed and screamed and I was silently sobbing and cuddling my lo at 2 in the morning. I never felt so alone. I wanted my MIL to come in and let me know that babies sometime cry like this. She told me she heard her crying. My HV saw how stressed I was that day and arranged a callback the next week. I moved in to my mums house with lo the next day.

I thought that she would be better this time around because we had stayed at her house and I helped out by doing washing up, making lunch and dinner and caring for my toddler too... But no she has been the same this time around. I saved up a job for her to do (stripping dd1s bed) to enable her to say - is there anything else you would like me to do? but she never asked and I sit here stewing away. I shouldn't let it get to me but it does.

Margo, I think I would be exactly the same as you which is why I am determined now that they won't stay with us. You have tried to hint (by giving her a job and behaving at her house as you would like her to behave at yours) but she is not picking up on it. That is exactly what I think would happen in my situation until I just lose it and explode and say/do something I will regret forever! I think subtlety just doesn't register with some people and you have to be totally up front and say what you mean (sooooo hard in reality!). Sending you hugs and sympathy. xx

thankfully she doesn't stay with us anymore - we haven't got another adult bed in our house.

funny that.

I am in the absolutely NO way camp too. I am hoping your next update Aqua will have resolved things for you.

My MIL has stayed with us 2x (with FIL) once pre kids and second time when I was pg with ds 2. They never offer to help with things that are useful- MIL always want to Iron (and noone goes nr our laundry , knickers etc apart from us... and DH keeps up anyway as it is his job). They don't make cups of tea (Last time I put t+c in their room and they used that!!). They are also very dependent- and although we always encourage them to have freedom and do their own thing they loiter and hang around 24/7 - far too intense. If they popped out and did their own thing more it would be way easier..... but they seem to turn into 9yr olds who need hands held for some reason!
I am always made to feel guilty that we don't let them stay when we have a newborn but the honest truth is that they are selfish and insensitive people that don't respect our boundaries (cos they are SO important). I firmly believe there is time for grandparents but that new parents totally deserve to be selfish in the first few months- you don't ever get that time back and it goes so quick. We limited to short visits after the birth of each child, because we knew what the il's were like and in our opinion it was great (ds 1 was 10 days old when they met him but with ds 2 they refused to come cos they thought we'd give them a whole week later on... when dh had no time left off work- yeah right!! they came when he was almost 10 weeks old and came at a time that suited them and creaed a whole load of stress for us). I know they are highly dssatisfied with that but hey- tough luck. MIL always offers to help when she has put her coat back on and is getting ready to leave (as if she is trying to find an excuse to stay)!

(sorry if I ranted but please do be firm or you may even set a precedent for future visits/behaviour)

I am with the general concensus here of dont even consider it!! My 2nd baby is due at the beginning of April and my mother has already told me she has booked the three weeks off around my birth date. Not at all amused by that as she did the exact same thing last time. She was in my house every day (didnt have the problem of her staying over though) and would even just let herself in with a spare key if I didnt appear at the front door within two seconds. Really did my head in and agree with whoever said it will affect your relationship with them in the future.

The first few weeks with your baby are bloody hard work but also very precious. Stick to your guns and be selfish if you need to. Lots of luck with your baby too xxx

Poor you! The horrors of newborns and families and living abroad! I can fully understand your apprehension and you are right, a 2 bedroom house a a newborn plus visitors is just too much, no matter how well you get on. I has ds1 when I returned to the Uk and stayed there for 1 month. Mil turned into a dreadfully jealous woman, who assumed my mother and I were spending all day cooing over the baby, not the case. My mother decided to strip and repaint all the outside windows! Mil would turn up sit on her bottom and hold a sleeping baby, she never so much as made me a cup of tea!! Ds1 was a nightmare when we returned home and refused to sleep unless being held, he was awful for over 2 years, and he is still the most spoilt by both grandmothers! I had dd and ds2 here, I think my mother came when dd was 10 days old for 1 week, followed straight away by mil for 1 week, followed by my sister and family at 1 month, we had a 4 bedroom house but there was still no escape and guess who had to do all the cooking, looking after visitors etc!!!! For Ds2 mil came at 2 weeks, he had colic and screamed all the time and one evening dh and mil spent the evening playing scrabble whilst I dealt with screaming baby, I cannot look at scrabble without feeling such hatred! Dh was a sh*t anyway because he hadn't wanted ds2, but that is another story! Mother followed out afterwards. As previous threads have pointed out you can yell at your own parents but not in laws and dh's always are SO BUSY at work when their mother's are staying. It hasn't changed 12 years on. I could go on and on, parenthood brings up some very strong feelings. If you can't get somewhere for them to stay you'll have to just put up with it but it could be very stressful and you'll probably silently hate dh for it forever!! Poor you, good luck! Then again you could if you are very clever play the pathetic female and take to your bed and let them all get on with it.

another suggestion...in case you can't convince your husband

jump on the guest bed .... keep on jumping until it breaks...throw out guest bed and do not replace

HI - just remembered what we did with dd2 My parents came over as soon as I went into labour (to look after ds and dd1) and stayed for 6 days - no longer than that as we'd tried 10 days with dd1 and it had driven us all mad! My PIL then came the following weekend for 2 nights - we then agreed to go and see them a few weeks later in the school hols. My MIL did offer her help to my dh as my mum had come 3 times but she understood when my dh said that I really wanted my own mum. I think you just need to be straight and honest but without being hurtful.

Not that it looks like you need extra support but I agree with all the nooooooos.

I have a simmilar problem with my own family let alone the in laws. They all live at the other end of the country and whilst I love them dearly and want to share this with them I also think I'll need time just the three of us - me baby and hubby.

Baby due at the end of April and my Dad has already booked to come and visit (the date coincides with a Bryan Adams concert nearby - lucky him, two events for the price of one! Although chances are baby will be late and they won't get to see baby at all), my sister 'needs to know now' when she can come and stay so she can book time off work - have told them both that they are welcome but it will be a hotel for everyone and that I won't be 'entertaining'.

My mum is being a bit more sensible - come up for a quick visit when baby gets here then come back again in about 4 weeks for a long stay when DH is back at work.

In-laws live close by so fingers crossed it won't be too bad with them. (also about number 18 grandchild so not so much of a novelty!)

To top all this we are currently trying to finish serious rennovation to the house so we may not even have a room for us let alone any vistors at that point.

We were talking about this at my ante natal class at the weekend and someone suggested the idea of a 'babymoon' in the same way that you have a honeymoon just after you are married. Although I don't think two weeks with new baby will be quite the same as a week of sunshine/room service.......

If they're that desperate to come, tell them to stay in an hotel.

There's no way that you should be expected to have them if you don't want to.

4 weeks is a long time! Compromise should be possible...perhaps you'd need to be a bit firmer about staying for a few days, then go off somewhere for a few days, then come back for a few days etc etc. Is dh taking his paternity during that time too?

....my advice would be to suggest the compromise to your dh and ask him to set it up - don't get too involved with setting it up yourself - you've got plenty on your plate already and an aim could be to give dh an opportunity to show he can look after you and respect his parents interest in their grandchild too.

This is what happened to us....

DH and I were in France when dd1 was born. 1st grandchild for my mum and dad and 3rd for IL's.

When I left hospital with 5-day-old dd1 there were 5 adults staying in my house - 4 grandparents and 1 new dad. Mum stayed until IL's had gone, at my request. Mum left when dd1 was 8 days old and dh started his paternity leave. It was fine. Overall everyone was respectful of me and dd and dh and it was good to have their help and company. The IL's came back again for a week, 3 week's later.

I was wary of the IL's company.

In the end I decided:

• they were probably going to try to be on their very best behaviour - I was right - they tried really hard.
• I could trust dh to protect me if I needed him to - this put more pressure on him - but again, I was right.

It worked out ok for us and I am proud that we welcomed our parents to celebrate dd1 with us. Even now, it's only really the grandparents that enjoy our kids anywhere near as thoroughly as we do.

.....retiring to a safe distance now!

My mum and dad stayed in a motel locally and came every day. On day 2 my mum's first comment was "have you any washing?". Dh told her she had to at least say hello first and enter the room so she could see if it was a good time for us to be scrabbling around after dirty babygros. That broke the ice.

MIL and FIL went on holiday for 4 weeks.

you'll really regret having them to stay. So will dh. Its such an imp. time for u to recover and get used to it all and the sleepless nights etc. if there there your everyday life will be put on hold and its such a long time.
The fact that they did child care things will drive u mad as will always be handing out tips, that may not suit you and you might feel you should do them or have a bit of a battle - all things you shouldnt have to be put through!

I read this thread with great interest as I have had issues with in-laws in the past.
Firstly I would like to say that I feel it is unacceptable for an expectant mother (especially a first timer) to be worrying about issues imposed on her by others and I am just exasperated every time I hear of family members being so insensitive. This special time is about you, your partner and your baby only. No-one else should try to tell you its about them too. As you can tell, I feel strongly about this!

You should absolutely not have anyone come to stay if you do not feel comfortable with it. You should be able to issue invitations for people to come to your house post birth and not have people putting their requests onto you.

As many of us mums know, pregnancy, childbirth and getting used to being a mum and bonding with a baby are all serious stuff, yes there may be women who say they sail through it all and think I am being very uptight about this but I have honestly never met any. Post birth blues and depression can be bloody awful for some women and I am pretty sure I had post natal depression even though it wasn't diagnosed at the time and the only thing that really caused me so much negative stress during my pregancy and subsequently was the insensitivity (on all sorts of issues) that my in-laws showed. I am now pregnant with my 2nd child and have already laid down very clear boundaries with my husband about all of this as our only concern is with mine and our baby's health and the bonding process and I am absolutely not going to have this jeopardised by my MIL who seems to think it is her right to come and stay and hold up her trophy child. Incidentally, the pressure is also on my husband as the requests all tend to go through him and not to me and so its emotional pressure on him, which again is not fair of them but thankfully, he is very clear about how he and I see things and so we just about manage the situation.
Stick to your guns girl, you are the most important here and don't worry about hurting feelings, the fact that you are worrying about it shows you are a decent caring person. Its such a special time - absolutely no-one has the right to intrude on it without you initiating the invitation. You never have your first born again, enjoy it! ps. good luck, its great becoming a mum. How exciting for you!

This has turned in to a bit of chinese whispers! Some people have got the idea that the plan was for my in laws to stay with us for 4 weeks! Noooooooooo!! I think even I would have put my foot down over that one! The plan was for them to stay with us for 2 weeks when the baby was 4 weeks old (although, as has since been pointed out on this thread, it's impossible to know when the baby is actually coming so that could end up being only two weeks after the birth!)

Just thought I would clear that one up. DH couldn't get hold of his parents yesterday and so this saga is still on going! He is going to try again today. I will update you all!

Aqua xx

Hope you get it sorted today so that you can relax and enjoy.

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