Parents in law staying with us after the birth? - Advice please!

[aquasea]

Hi everyone,

I was wondering if anyone could offer me some advice. I am currently pregnant with my first baby (due end of May). The problem I have is that my husband's parents live in Australia. They want to come over after the birth and stay with us. We will be in a tiny two bedroom cottage. I have said that they can come 4 weeks after the birth. I think they are a bit put out by that (and I don't think my husband is that happy either). I am just worried that having a tiny new baby (especially with it being the first), adjusting to being a mum, breastfeeding...all that stuff will be very stressful and that having the in-laws there will be the last thing I will need. Perhaps I am completely wrong though. Having never done any of this before I would really love some advice from those of you that have had babies!!

thanks,
Aqua xx

Please don't delete the thread - it's rare on MN that absolutely everyone agrees!

Could you change your name?

May I just add that all of the mums who have little boys risk becoming these MILs from hell in 20+ years time. What exactly happens to us in the duration that we change so much?

Btw, like the Grange Hill song goes, "Just say no"

Funny you mention that song. Before I even opened the thread, just from readingh the title my post was going to be thus.

Just. Say. 'NO'.

Your rights come before theirs without a doubt.

As I've said on a previous thread, it is a very special PRIVATE, possibly never to be repeated, time for you and your husband.

Having anyone else around will take some of the magic away and you may always regret it.

Also, being your first you won't have that much confidence in what you are doing so the last thing you need is someone 'experienced' breathing down your neck. I felt very strongly about doing things my way. As I have every right to do, with MY baby.

I must be seriously weird then...that I loved having my mum there with my first child, lol!

The first little while after your baby is born is so precious - your husband presumably gets 2 weeks paternity. This is no time at all in which to get to know the baby. If it's spent with the baby being passed around to in-laws etc, then he'll really miss out. I had to stay in hospital for a couple of days after my first. The first day was spent with ds being passed from one relation to another whilst my poor husband looked on. It was only the next day when the rush had died down that he finally got a look in and had some magical, very special time to get to know our son.

Things won't have got much easier 4 weeks in, but at least you won't be quite such a new parent and may have made your own mind up about how you want to do things. You'll be in a stronger position to hold your own against the inevitable 'advice' you'll receive.

As new grandparents, I think you have to appreciate that they are pretty desperate to see their grandchild. I will never forget my pride as I showed my son off to grandparents for the first time. On an optimistic note, it could be lovely

I would have hated to have in-laws stay for that long, so really sympathise. The only way I can see you coping is if you get your husband on side and demand that you get the help that you ask for. Enjoy it - perhaps by 4 weeks you might even be glad of a live-in babysitter just so you can escape for an hour!

mums are different MILs are a different species

is there any self catering accomadation nearby so they could stay there but also be near you. my parents for both the kids births stayed nearby in SC so they come and went but we all had the space when needed.
i though speaking to my mil 15mins after ds2 was born was an awful experience which i havd never forgiven my dh for but the thought of the staying i would keep my legs crossed so the baby didnt come

Hire / borrow a caravan to put on the drive for them?

Quite agree with margo - my mum is an absolute triumph and I could not have managed without her in ds' early days. AND I might add she has been on 'granny' duty with nearly all of her 11 grandchildren and been regarded as a wonder by both sisters and SILs alike. So clearly there are some decent MILs out there!

But in general, if you have any support available it really needs to be someone that you feel 100% comfortable with. In this I do think the dh/p has to take a back seat, he's not recovering from birth.

We lived in a 2-bed flat when ds was born - a LARGE 2-bed flat. And there is no way in hell I could even have had both of my parents to stay, never mind in-laws.

It doesnt seem like you need any more advice but here is mine anyway! I think you have been more than reasonable in your offer of after 4 weeks from when baby is born. I get on well with my inlaws but NO WAY ON EARTH would I have let them to stay even in our 4 bed house immediately after the birth. You need to be able to sit topless if you want, not dress all day if you want, sleep when you want without worrying about what others need/ are up to. Stick to your guns -your DH will understand when the time comes! And all the best for May....(I am expecting no 2 then and currently fighting battles with my DH re how soon the inlaws can come over to see DC2!)

I 'let' my ILs stay for a couple of days when DS was 10 days old. They drove me mad and luckily DH felt same way. Their stay was cut short when we were discussing this in DS room not realising the baby monitor had been left on! They didn't mention it but left the next day - felt bad (for about 5 mintues but was glad to have my house back!).

I think for the sake of your sanity and family relations they should stay somewhere else - don't mind you using my method if all else fails!

Good luck!

I found company absolutely exhausting - shattering, actually - when ds and dd were tiny. I needed to only think about my little family, not worry about other people, to sit there breastfeeding for hours, to be free to come and go, and, if the baby was asleep just to lie down, have a bath or simply stare into space with a cup of tea. I think I would have been very, very upset to have house guests of any kind. Also with a non-sleeping baby Dh and I often slept apart so one of us slept properly while the other one slept with a wriggly baby or tried to soothe it to sleep. It would have been UNBEARABLY stressful not to have this option and - horrors!- worrying that the crying baby was waking guests. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Don't do it. Book a hotel or self-catering nearby, but you can't have them to stay. Your relationship may never, ever recover.

We'll have to cross that bridge in April re when can the in-laws come and see dc2. Joy!

There is definitely something different about having your own mum around as people have said, although I know some people don't have a good relationship with their own mothers so cannot generalise.

Saying that, the thought of anyone staying overnight in the house whith a newborn irrespective of who they are, makes me go cold!

I really hope you are ok Aqua. x

Aqua - congrats on the wedding and the baby to be!
Although I am also firmly in the 'no' camp, I also understand that it may be inevitable. Both my parents and PIL are also in Australia and stayed for a few weeks after DS was born. I had all the issues that everyone else mentioned - including the bathroom one (MIL would spend 1/2 hr in there every monring and evening). I was very glad when they left.

I know that the same thing will happen this time but at least we now have a guest room and two bathrooms. However, I will be setting up house rules this time - including what I expect of 'guests' in terms of looking after DS, cooking, cleaning, shopping etc, routine for DS and new baby, time that dinner will be served etc etc.

Also, and this is important for Aussie visitors - if they have jetlag, they must not walk around the house or have the lights on in the middle of the night . And if they want a kip during the day, it must be when the baby is sleeping.

SO if it is inevitable that they are coming to stay, try to be clear in your mind what you want from them!

my MIL came to stay the day after the birth. I stayed in the birthing centre, but after 3 days my husband begged me to come home so it wasn't just the 2 of them! Point is, it may be just as hard on dad - he just wanted to be with me and baby.
Plus my own mum is wonderful, but a bit helpless around babies and chose to stay away "until I was ready" (her words). She came after 4 weeks and we had time with each other, too, as I was more settled.

think 4-6 weeks after the birth would probably be good. I was all up for having my family and in-laws staying after the birth of my first LO, thinking it would make me feel more confident but actually it made me feel like i couldn't cope alone - when actually i could cope loads better when they all left! You just need time to feel confident that you know what you're doing. Stick to your guns - and anyway once they see the baby they will forget all about being put out- a grandchild melts everyones heart! All the best
p.s. just agreeing witho someone else - even when guests were REALLY helpful somehow i found it exhausting to have them around in the first weeks!

Hi Aquasea
You hardly need more advice on this subject ... but my experience was similar. I live overseas and my parents came to visit after both my dc were born. My Mum knew better than me and for birth of my dd, she insisted that they would come at 4 weeks old. I was disappointed to start with because I was so sad they would not see her as a tiny new born. But my Mum was wise and I knew nothing! Even when they arrived at 4 weeks I was still struggling with breastfeeding but at least I had a little control over things.

With ds they came at 4 weeks again and this time I knew I did not want anyone any sooner.
For both dc there were challenges in first weeks which I was glad dh and I could focus on ourselves. Trouble getting started with bf with dd and jaundice followed by reflux with ds. They were our total priority for the first month with no interruptions which was the best way for us.

If you are planning on trying to breastfeed I would definitely say they must wait at least 4 weeks before coming. It really helps to be able to concentrate on the feeding... to be able to sit where you like and how you like. It is not always a descrete activity in the early days! During breastfeeding marathons it's nice to be able to switch the TV on. When baby is sleeping, you do not want to have to worry about whether there is enough food in the fridge for dinner. And unless they are independent that will fall to you.

Good luck persuading your husband. If possible, I'd stretch to 6 weeks - and say they can stay longer?

Hotel is best option!
My fil used to stumble into the room whilst I was trying to get to grips with bf, blush, run away and then I could here him outside saying "she's at it again!"
Talk about undermining my confidence!

NOOOOO

Absolutely not. My baby is still only three weeks old so this is quite raw. My mil turned up to stay with a large suitcase and an open ticket and came and sat by my hospital bed all afternoon for three consecutive days after the birth. My worst memory is of her poking around when I was trying to breastfeed and manhandling my boob into ds's mouth, but it's closely followed by dp and mil taking the baby to the visitors room in his crib while I lay on my bed sobbing

It was awful, and has definitely changed our relationship, it still makes me very upset and it really spoiled those first few days, which were very stressful anyway. Luckily his sister came to stay and dragged her away. Even then she got dp on his own and suggested that she come and visit the next day. Luckily I overheard and practically screamed NO!

TBH I had previously liked her but won't ever feel the same about her again

Aquasea - your instincts are one hundred per cent right! It is a struggle with your first. Maybe your dh and mil are uninformed of the current ethos for new born baby care ?

It is worth noting that our parents' generation were treated very differently when they had babies (They had everything done for them in hospital.) For starters, modern British maternity wards are very different from those that our mothers / mils experienced. If you're going NHS then your baby will be YOUR responsibility from the outset and you'll be advised to feed ds/dd on demand. In my experience, New borns are VERY demanding. I haven't even got started on how you'll feel physically

If you had lived in a huge place (we don't) then it may have been possible to put up with visitors staying, provided they were willing to do loads of work and stay out of your way. In your case though, you'll have jet-lagged in-laws sharing a limited amount of living space with you - and it's amazing how much stuff gets strewn about when you haven't got the time/energy to tackle it. Plus, you'll be wanting daytime saline baths or showers - which may be a problem for the in-laws if they need to use the facilities! (N.B. you bleed a LOT after any kind of birth, and milk leakage makes you want to wash yourself a lot as well.)

It's in dh's and the baby's best interests that you are feeling comfortable, clean and vaguely coping - the overwhelming life changing event of having a baby takes a bit of adjusting too

Luckily my in-laws had already been through it with my sil, so they were not remotely put out by not staying over for a while. After my second, they obligingly stayed with my sil's mil who lives fairly nearby. In fact, it worked out brilliantly for everyone - and we all had a nice time.

Thank you so much for all your advice everyone. This thread has really given me the confidence to stick to my guns. I just thought I would update you all. I spoke to my wonderful husband on Saturday (having lightly informed him on Friday that this issue was going to have to be discussed again which I think was a good idea so he was expecting it and it wasn't sprung on him). I told him I had started this thread and that every single person said having his parents to stay was a bad idea! I made my points about privacy, only one bathroom, hormones etc etc and said that I wouldn't want anyone, not even my own parents staying with us (which is 100% true). He said he understood and that he would talk to his parents. (I think it helped that we had just been to see the house we are buying and he realised just how small it is!) He spoke to his parents briefly on Sunday and suggested it would be better if they stayed in a hotel as the house is small, only one bathroom and the baby would probably be crying etc and waking them up... to which his mother replied that they are used to babies crying and it won't bother them! ARGH! The conversation had to be cut short as his parents were going out but he is going to try to talk to them again today. I am determined that they won't be staying with us though.
Thank you again everyone, I can't tell you how helpful and supportive I have found all your messages. I really feel that I have been saved from a potentially horrific situation.

Aqua xx

I love this thread...we ALL agree

Haven't managed to read all the posts yet - but Im in the just say no camp - my MIL has already implied she'll be coming to 'help', as she goes to 'rescue' all the women in the family who have just had babies and tells everyone how fab and useful she is...
Luckily we have a very small 2 bed house with just one bathroom which is ensuite so I've been able to say sorry you can't stay but we'd love you to visit! Thank god I haven't got a bigger house!
Having said that, my mum died years ago and it will be nice to have someone around, but in the absence of a mum she tends to get a bit too interested and thinks she can substitute herself...err no.
Fingers crossed for standing up to her. For long distance visitors I think staying in a nearby b and b or similar and coming in each day would be a good choice, as long as they muck in and don't expect to be waited on??

You're a star aquasea and I think you have handled it brilliantly. I wouldn't worry that it hasn't all been 'sorted' in one conversation - the broken record technique can be really useful in families - whenever I've had a single conversation with my MIL where i think we've agreed something, i've learned to come back to it again a few days later, and to keep referring to the final agreed situation as I see it, as invariably in the first conversation we get hold of different ends of the stick!