Parents in law staying with us after the birth? - Advice please!

[aquasea]

Hi everyone,

I was wondering if anyone could offer me some advice. I am currently pregnant with my first baby (due end of May). The problem I have is that my husband's parents live in Australia. They want to come over after the birth and stay with us. We will be in a tiny two bedroom cottage. I have said that they can come 4 weeks after the birth. I think they are a bit put out by that (and I don't think my husband is that happy either). I am just worried that having a tiny new baby (especially with it being the first), adjusting to being a mum, breastfeeding...all that stuff will be very stressful and that having the in-laws there will be the last thing I will need. Perhaps I am completely wrong though. Having never done any of this before I would really love some advice from those of you that have had babies!!

thanks,
Aqua xx

Another vote for noooooooooooooo.

At around 4 weeks, both my babies started getting very unsettled in the evenings, and basically needed carrying, constant breastfeeding, light snoozing and lots of crying until about 10ish at night. It was a difficult time and DH and I used to take turns carrying baby while the other ate tea. It was pretty stressful, but not uncommon for babies to go through this stage (it lasted about 6 weeks).

Having houseguests during this time would have just added to the stress, especially a MIL insisting it was
a) colic
b) the baby was wrapped too tight
c) not wrapped tightly enough
d) colic
e) she's too hot
f) she's too cold
g) colic
h) she's hungry the poor love
i) you must have eaten something that's upsetting her
j) colic
k) what's wrong with her?

Thank God she hadn't heard of reflux

They should stay in a hotel - you're dh will drive you mad trying to keep the baby quiet so that it doesn't disturb his parents.

My dh still trys to keep ds quiet when his parents stay, and he's almost 4!

See the stress of this makes me forget how to spell your.

I hope this is going well for you Aquasea.

I need hardly add - absolutely NO WAY.
We're on the other side of the world from my ILs - who are not nearly as bad as lots of the ones here - but nevertheless irritating. Baby no.2 is due in just under 3 weeks and originally they threatened to come more or less exactly on the due date. I had to throw an enormous wobbler to DH and eventually to them and now they are coming about 6 weeks after due date - and the only reason that is acceptable is because they are staying in a hotel. There is NO WAY I would have anyone staying in a my house (particularly a small one) with a new baby, not even my parents, or my sister who is coming over more or less righ after the birth, much as I love them all.

Eldestgirl puts it beautifully re the need for physical privacy. It is ESSENTIAL for you. It is hard enough dealing with everything without people in your way - you need the space for your own mental well being. You do run the risk of ruining the relationship permanently IMO if they come to stay - it is pure madness.

Also, whilst eveyone wants to see a very newborn baby, they're not actually really that interesting to other people - once they're 6+ weeks old and start smiling etc. it's a lot more fulfilling for the ILs, especially if they're coming a long way and don't know when they'll be able to come over again.

Although there is already a huge body of opinion here I jsut want to add my support to you to.

It never ceases to amaze me how much other people think they have a right to parts of your life. This is your baby, not theirs. Of course they will be excited about it and want to be part of their grandchild's life, but they don't have a right to muscle in on the precious early days that you have with your baby. They've done that with their own children, now it's your turn to have that special time with yours.

I can see that you don't want to upset people...I'm the same, I find it very hard to say no to visitors or even to invites to go out but it has to be done. I love my PIL, they are kind and considerate people that I get on with very well. However, DP and I have had to have to conversations about how being around them is still being "on duty" for me. Staying at their house is not being "on holiday" for me. Even the nicest DPs often don't understand this.

And if he has used your parents as an excuse for them not coming over:
a) so what ! it's up to him what he says to them and if they are a bit offended, it's less awful than having them come over to stay too soon and all falling out.
b) it's not unreasonable for you to want your own folks about, who you can be entirely comfortable with, but want to leave PiL till a little later.

Stick to your guns, you may have only been married a short time, but that's the time to establish that while you respect your PiL and want to fair to them, it is you, your baby and your new family with your DH that have to come first. The LO isn't going anywhere if they leave it a few weeks, and I love the webcam idea, maybe get a video camera and tape some early days and send it to them so they can show if off to friends and not feel like they are missing anything.

Absolutely not!!!!!!!
I can't think of anyone I'd like to have staying for 4 weeks. When we were in Oz, our max visit length was 3 weeks and definitely not when babies had just arrived. You won't have the time, energy or inclination to be a good host but you will feel horribly guilty about it if you let them stay. More stress you don't need.
The hotel / holiday house option is by far the best.

you are totallly right not to have them
havent read this long thread but they arethe last people you will need around you for the immense change of life you and your dh will go thru.
no body can tell you what its going to be like. its only when baby comes you realise how different life is in a good way but its something you dont need interference with.

again NO NO NO NO NO NO!!
My mil and fil came from overseas when our dd1 was 5 days old - granted they stayed in a hotel but they were at ours all day and at one point my mil nearly had her head in my boob telling me i wasnt breastfeeding properly!!! our relationship took a long time to recover and now she will herself admit it was too early to be visiting new parents!!
It really depends how independent they are - my fil is really good and helpful round the house and yeah my mil cooks but she wants entertained the rest of the time - i would really recommend them staying somewhere else! you'll need to let us know what happens!!

NO NO NO from here too.

I have similar situation MIL and her husband live in France. They came over when DD was a few days old, thankfully they did stay in a hotel. However, they did visit a fair amount which nearly drove me mad. MIL poking around whilst I'm trying to feed etc. Then one day they came round and suggested they took DH out for lunch as he was tired and needed to get out of the house (WTF!) . No, even at four weeks you will be tired and emotional. Lets face it anyone staying in your house for a period of time is a lot of work but at this stage in your life you don't need it!!!

Good luck, am facing same in June when no2 is due - so here i go again!!!

I'm firmly in the 'no' camp.
My in-laws stayed for a week after DDs were born. Mil had never breast fed her kids and I felt really really uncomfortable doing it in front of her and fil. In the end I banished myself upstairs (not brilliant when you are trying to establish bf'ing).
Plus they just got under my feet. Dh and I had no time to ourselves as a family and mil took it upon herself to take over my two babies 'welfare'. On the first walk we had with DD2 and elder DD1 mil sped off with pushchair leaving me crying and pleading with dh to let me push MY babies (fat lot of support he gave me). My relationship with mil has/will never recover.
Due in May 2007 and mil WILL NOT be visiting until we have had a week on our own as a family.

God no MIL stayed with me for a week, longest ever (but we don't gel). She kept trying to force food on me and I still had morning sickness at that point (for which much thanks mother nature, gee you're a blast).

If you do it have a clear plan of what you want her/them to do or you'll feel in the wrong 24/7.

I ouwld let them come but make sure they stay somewhere else - hotel or rented cottage or something.

You have to be assertibve. My ILs came when DS1 was born and I found it all a bit stressful (actually - found it very stressful and cried a lot ). With DS2 they came again but DH asked them to leave after 2 days because we didn't need them and, this time around, I said to MIl (yesterday) that I might need her to come and stay perhaps when DH has gone back to work but we would just play it by ear

Very long thread so havent read everyones comment. Why dont you suggest that instead of coming to see you they pay your fares and you go and see them once baby is 4 or 5 mths old? Just an idea....

I'm new here at Mumsnet and have been following this discussion with much interest

It's particularly interesting that much of the advice against having the parents-in-law to stay comes from those who went through it themselves - suggesting that although it's maybe not ideal and exactly what you'd want, it's actually quite common. Looks like many grandparents want to be around when there's a new baby in the family, particularly if they live far away and won't be seeing the baby on a very regular basis.

Is there any chance that they actually would be a help with all the household stuff etc that needs doing leaving you to get to grips (so to speak!) with your new baby?

I'm not saying that they have a right to come, by the way, I'm just trying to see if there isn't maybe something positive to be found in all this!

i havnt read all the posts either but the majority are against ILs coming. i am having a cs on tuesday and my mil is coming to help. im really looking forward to it she is great. we get on like a house on fire and i know that i wont need to lift a finger for however long she wants to stay. i made the mistake with my first of insisting i did everything. i wouldnt let anyone help me and i worked myself into the ground. i wont be making the same mistake again.

also my sister had her baby 6 weeks ago and she stayed with our mum. my mum helped and my sister says that next time she wants my mum to help out again.

obv its dif strokes for dif folks and all that but if you have a good relationship with them you can concentrate on the lo and they can do your shopping and look after you. you will be amazed at how much washing a baby generates and if your like me then a pile of washing is the end of the world as is washing up not done etc (bit of a clean freak)xxx

hth

IMHO you are doin the right thing by saying they shouldn't stay. However My mum came and stayed with my MIL (20 mins away) which worked really well. She didn't hang around all the time, but she did make dinner each eveing for a week, put my other DD to bed, and generally helped tidy up. However what she dod, which was far more valuable, is she paid for a cleaner for 6 months!! That was teh best present

My MIL came to stay whilst I was in hospital - she looked after the older two children - I'd explained to DH that she would be going home as soon as I came home! My tip if you are having relatives of any sort coming to help you - make sure that they are forearmed to help - so get them to come in advance - show them how to use dishwasher, washing machine, oven (it's amazing how different these things can be) - where everything is kept - so they they really can help you. My MIL and even parents did want to help, but you end up having to get up to show them, and you might as well have done it yourself!

Aqua, I would think it depends on how you get on with your Inlaws...are they likely to help around the house or will they want you to do the running around after them?
How comfortable would you be to bf infront of them? Although, if you wouldn't be comfortable, then there are other solutions, that either Party could retreat somewhere else for that time.
I had my mum stay for 6 weeks when es was born, well, she came a week before he was born and stayed a further 5 weeks after. And it was lovley, as she helped me with all the chores, and of course also helped with teh lil one, as in cuddling him when I wanted a shower, etc...!
In many societies, and also in ours in earlier times, it was very common that women would have lots of help with everything else, so, they could concetrate solely on looking after themselfs and getting bf established, etc...! Sadly most western societies sort of expect the new mum to do everything else aswell as getting used to mohterhood etc...and of course they must just ping right back to pre-pg size, too, lol...and often new parents feel others involvement in the first week as an intrusion.

HI - I've read half of the thread and although I agree in principle with lots of the comments, I think that you owe your PIL a phone call as they could be seriously hurt. Have a chat with your MIL (who sounds nice?!) and just talk about how worried you are about coping with visitors when the baby is so young and this is your first one (and make sure you say that your parents won't be staying with you - did I get that right?) If you're careful about how you say it I'm sure she'll soon remember how difficult the whole thing was. I remember vividly when my PIL came to see our ds with SIL and them sitting at 10.30pm at night after I hadn't talked for approx 2 hours as I was so exhausted from 5 hr evening feeding sessions....my SIL proceeded to tell me that I should come and visit her in the USA as 'young babies were the easiest to travel with'. She had no children and couldn't understand why I didn't agree after 6 days of 1 hourly wakenings! My MIL is a darling and would never mean to offend - she managed to though by saying 'look after yourself, and the lo and dh' as a parting wave - I couldn't cope with bf one small child so felt incredibly upset by the 'pressure' of looking after other adults (her ds!!) That's hormones for you...hideous and awful that turn you into a delirious loon! Ask if PIL would be prepared to stay close by in a hotel so that they can have a small holiday too and take the pressure off being in a very small house with a very hormonal woman!!

Ive loved reading thru this thread!
My mum came to stay for 1 week 12 yrs ago when i had my DD and I was really grateful - she was 63yrs old then and very capable. Im due in june/july and my Dad mentioned to me that Mum would like to come and do the same this time round -
They stayed with me for 6 days over Xmas and it was stressful shall we say. My Dad didnt do ANYTHING in the 6 days to help - my Mum kept washing up and putting things in the wrong cupboards (we have a dishwasher)_ whenever I went to find something it had moved - they now have to have the TV so loud - its painful!! and some one else mentioned this earlier - in the night they troop to the loo and kept waking me up - Light on - door bolts - loo flushes etc
So God knows how I'd cope if Id just had a baby and was all hormonal - I think i'll suggest 6 weeks after the birth - when im in a routine and not bleeding and spirting milk etc etc!!! Oh and 4 days MAX.!!

another thing to put on your list for your dh, you will have a bit of bleeding after the birth and its not nice having to share a bathroom and you might have HUGE piles too, I did...your boobs will be leaking and huge and sore and Oh nononononononononono!!

Let us know how you go with your dh!!

Another vote for no-way! My ILs live in Ireland, so not nearly as far away. My parents live in France, so harder to have them visit. In November, we had our first baby and my parents stayed in a small cottage nearby (I had made it as easy as I could by researching it, getting a good deal, making sure the accommodation was reasonable and that the people letting it understood there may be lots of comings and goings - the cottage was in the owners' garden) and even though they only visited between noon and 6pm and cooked a nutritious meal every night; shopped for us AND cleaned the kitchen and bathroom - it was bordering on too much. We get on with them very well and their kindness was absolutely invaluable, but a) it bordered on a little overwhelming for me as a new mum with all those hormones and b) we missed on opportunities to get used to being a new family.

When my ILs visited, they left it so late that we were dashing around trying to book them accomodation - they wouldn't hire a car so were reliant on us and although we'd said (and been very firm for some months) beforehand they would need to be fairly self-reliant, they weren't.

I haven't read all of the posts, but wonder when your DH will be going back to work - how does he think you will cope with his parents in your space while you are trying to adjust?

aqua - you mentioned deleting this thread. Not sure why but just thought I'd let you know it's on the front page in discussions of the day - so highly visible!!
I'm having a baby in April and although parents and ILs live fairly close, I still have issues with standing up for myself. ILs will arrive in the morning and stay until midnight if I let them, my own mum will spend the whole time asking me if I'm OK, looking concerned, overreacting and then wonder why I seem snappy! (I love them all really). So, thanks to this thread I've got my story straight:
In the first week I only want grandparents to visit for short periods (and possibly BIL+SIL). I'd like you to call before you set off to see whether we're feeling up to visitors.
If they question this, I'll point out that we need time as a family and a lot of privacy, as some of the after-effects of birth can be fairly messy (that would shut FIL up).
Only thing left is, assuming they don't take the hint in advance (which I think they will) what can I say after they've sat there for 3 hours?

Katy, you could try yawning and saying you're both off to bed soon or actually taking baby up to bed and getting DH to bring tea/food/book etc and put your feet up - that's the one thing I would do more of if I had the same time around again, spending time in bed chilling with my baby - it was fab!!!

Started to read thread but the vote is unanimous!!

Can I just add NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO - my LO is 3 weeks old. It was lovely having DH off for two weeks (his paternity was open so it started the day I went into labour), then my mum came for five days last week which was wonderful but it's my mum so I can be myself in front of her, cry when I want to (which I do....a lot...very hormonal!) and she was generally a great help.

As much as I love my PIL, they would drive me INSANE if they stopped for (bollocks DH just sat down next to me so I told him to clear off as I don't want him reading this!!!!) 4 weeks - 4 WEEKS!!! Omigod, please please please put them off. My suggestion would be for them to wait until you have LO and then they can book a last minute flight when you are ready and only stop for 2 weeks MAX!!!

God, even I have broken out in a cold sweat thinking about it for you.....!!!!!