Pregnant girlfriend wants to keep baby, i dont

[Evanbaby]

Hi, I've had a sort of relationship with a 42y girl for 8 months, she accidentally got pregnant recently and wants to keep, it despite the fact that I don't.

She has 4 children already from two men and as much as I liked her I never intended to have a family with her. She has always known I don't want a child right now.

I'm devastated because this isn't how and want to experience to my first child and a family, and I know that we'll never be together anyway after that. If I have a child, I want to be a present father all the time, be in a proper relationship and be settled with the girl.

If she goes ahead I can still try but eventually I will be with another girl and start a family then, the child will never be fully part of my family. I'm heart broken to think that I'll never be a dad to this kid the way I would like to be and also I feel the joy of it all is being stolen from me, instead it's a painful experience, not a joy. And the child will never have a dad the way I would like my child to have.

Her reason to want to keep it is to not have the guilt of abortion, which I understand completely, but also her daughter had an abortion recently and they've moved on, so I'm not convinced it's just the only reason.

I feel even worse knowing that she can still go ahead when she knows it breaks my heart and has a family already.
It nearly seems selfish of her but also know how hard the termination is, I just can't do it myself for us.

I'm lost and thought I'd log here to talk to people with experience.

Many thanks in advance

You don't decide to get hit by a truck when you look at the wrong side...

Well actually, you kinda do.

...and you wouldn't tell a woman she decided to get pregnant by forgetting a pill, don't be ridiculous. Oh double standards.

You wouldn't, because if the other party to the sex was adamant that he didn't want a baby, then she would naturally expect that he would be taking full responsibility for his own contraception just on the offchance that any of the many circumstances that can lead to pill failure could happen.

You are angry that she might not have taken responsibility for her contraception, but you did not take any responsibility for your own.

That is where the double standards lie in this case.

Oh dear, you really are awfully young, aren't you?

You are misunderstanding the reasons for abortion being a fundamental right for which women fight (despite "your education", which seems to have been deficient in this area).

Abortions are not legal just so that a woman can decide not to have a child they don't want.

Abortion is legal so that a woman doesn't have to go through gestating and birthing a child they don't want.

Pregnancy and childbirth are genuinely dangerous, extremely painful, seriously undignified and very often have lifelong effects. Women still die from complications - yes, even in the UK, in the 21st century.

That's why abortion is necessary - so that women can choose whether they take that risk.

You are not pregnant. You are taking no risks with your body - your only risk is financial. And emotional, perhaps.

Therefore you have no say at this stage. No moral case, whatever mental gymnastics you attempt.

I hope you can channel some of your energy away from wailing 'it isn't fair!' into being a good parent. If you put some effort in, I promise it'll be worth it. Good luck.

even I got pregnant at over 40. I wasn't on the pill but had fertility issues (having been trying for years), so it is perfectly possible.

You should have worn a condom too.

It is perfectly possible to be an active father without being married to the mother. My DH knows a couple who have been together 30 years, they have children, but they are not married and do not live together. They do respect each other and have made a decision to responsibly raise their children.

It's also not great for a child to be placed in such situation in my view

I agree OP - you sound selfish, ignorant and petulant and it is unfortunate for this poor baby that they may end up with someone with your attitude in his / her life.

Imagine your baby is a daughter.

Now fast forward a few years and imagine her boyfriend has just got her pregnant. it is unplanned, but your daughter very much wants to keep the baby.

Imagine that the boyfriend is standing in front of you and explaining to you that he never saw your daughter as mother material and she should therefore have an abortion.

You need to get a grip and an attitude adjustment - you've got about 7 months to do it so I'd crack on if I was you.

No, I don't necessarily think I'm being trapped, this is only a view that came out from others, mostly women actually, go figure.

What a delightful slant I'm sure you've been putting on your tale of woe, I'm sure. Has it got you laid yet?

I didn't decide to have a kid by not using protection correctly, I was just being naive and stupid. You don't decide to get hit by a truck when you look at the wrong side, and you wouldn't tell a woman she decided to get pregnant by forgetting a pill, don't be ridiculous. Oh double standards.

Don't be even more utterly ridiculous than you have been all thread. To use your analogy, if you don't use the crossing, you increase your chances of being hit by a truck when you cross the road, and you have to take the consequences of that decision.

If you fail to rubber up, you increase the chances that you will impregnate the woman you're fucking and you have to take the consequences of that decision.

If a woman fails to take her pill and becomes pregnant, she has to take the consequences of that decision.

The consequences of being hit by a truck and being pregnant can both mean death, serious injury and lifelong lifestyle changes, the consequences of you being wholly irresponsible are that you might have to put yourself out for another human occasionally and possibly some financial ones.

Double standards? Possibly, but in your favour.

Anyway, to reply to some of you, with my education, in my eyes the fundamental right is to be able to choose whether or not you keep a child when an accident occurs, in equal terms between man and woman. You get to choose.

Then your education has been deficient, glad we could all help to correct that for you. And this wasn't an accident; an accident is when a condom splits, or the pill fails or the coil fails, this was a deliberate decision on your part.

The abortion is the only way the respect ones precious choice not to have a child; who actually has to do it is as unfair as it is secondary, it's already been arbitrary decided by nature.

There isn't going to be an abortion, as has been explained to you ad nauseam, you have no choices here now. The time for your choices has passed. It was your choices that got you here. Nature has fuck all to do with it.

So yes, if the man doesn't want a child, she has to have an abortion to respect this choice.

She has fully respected your choice not to take any responsibility for your fertility and reproduction.

Only by principle anyway off course, not by force!

Yes, sadly for you, life has moved on from the middle ages.

I would go through this for her, without hesitation, and I'd NEVER force a child on someone anyway.

What a champ!

You can't go through this, and you did force this choice on someone because you didn't condom up.

That's immoral and why would you even want that for yourself, your child and your partner?

Now you're her partner? I thought she wasn't good enough for you to be her partner, just a fuck buddy who fucked up.

Thanks for commenting, it was helpful to read hostile views different than mine.

No hostility, lots of people aghast at your repellent attitudes toward women though.

I wasn't asking for total support or tell me it's all her fault. My fault for creating this situation sure, but what happens next will be her choice and hers alone, not mine if she keeps it.

I'll be the best dad to this kid.

This I heartily doubt.

Women are mainly irrational?

Mmm hmm. Because dragging up a months old thread to berate an OP who is probably long gone makes perfect sense.

At the point of having sex both parties have a choice and are responsible for the consequences. Sex without looking after yourself when you don't want a pregnancy (not to mention stds etc) is just stupid. Yes accidents to happen but that has to be factored in when you choose whether or not to have sex. After that point woman's body woman's choice. End of discussion.

I have to agree with Meeep he's just had some life changing news and is trying to make sense of it. I think everyone has an idea in their heads about how their future will be so it'll take time when you realise that it's not going to play out like that.

Ultimately though you can't take this decision away from her and if she's having this baby then you both need to be parents the best way that you can, however it came about. Try not to imagine this being her decision, if she doesn't believe in abortion then, for her, there is no decision. You both made a decision on birth control though

This thread is a salutary piece of advice to all mothers of sons. Teach them better than this fucking donkey was taught.

han the baby is certainly born by now

I cannot help but feel this has become a bit of a witch hunt which I do find rather distressing.

In some ways I do actually understand your views opening poster. She has 4 children already by two other fathers, does either of these children have a relationship with their Dad?

I also do think that the decision to keep or abort a child should be BOTH people's decisions as it takes two to get to that point and I can guarantee that she will require 'financial' support once the child is born, therefore there should be room for discussion.

I am very surprised of some of the responses Evan received. Some women seem to be very power driven and do not have the best interest of a child at heart. It takes two people to create a child, a man and a woman, and a strong family unit would be best for the child. This seems to get completely ignored by some. I am not surprised that a lot of men complain about some women using a child to play their power games. If you are thinking of creating a child, are you thinking of satisfying your needs or the needs of the child? Yes, Evan would be 'guilty' here too, but two wrongs don't make it right.

You did not make a conscious decision that you wanted a child, but in reality that was th consequence of your actions and you missed the time when you have control and a choice over reproduction. It is too late to start wanting to take back that control. Surely as a grown man you have been aware for years of when you had control over this (choosing to have sex, taking precautions to reduce the chances of conception) and when you would lose it (once a woman is pregnant).

In my opinion every man has to accept that once having sex, a pregnancy may result, so firstly take every step to prevent it if they do not want a child. Condoms are very good at their job! Secondly, accept that it may still happen even with contraception and if it does, it will be out of their hands. Even if their partner suggests she would terminate in that situation, every man must know that she could change her mind and that he will have no control over that. You didn't even bother with the first step there.

You absolutely cannot expect a woman to have a medical procedure on her body, not yours, that she does not want, or to abort a pregnancy she does want. She is pregnant now, not you, and though that may have been arbitrarily decided by nature as you put it, it is a meaningful reality. You were well aware of this when you decided to take the chances you did.

I am not without sympathy for your situation, I have often thought it is hard for men in this position. I am without sympathy for your attitude that you should be able to insist on a termination now. That is missing so many points I don't have time to begin!

Life doesn't turn out according to perfect plans, your potential future was never a certainty anyway. You are going to have to step up and make a good future out of your real circumstances, which you can do. You have to deal with the choices you actually have now, rather than get stuck trying to get back choices you no longer have. At some point you are going to have to accept that the chance to prevent this pregnancy is gone, stop complaining and deal with reality. You might as well do it sooner rather than later.

Does anyone else kind of wonder how things turned out here just a little bit....?!? Ah well. We'll never know how Evan, a true modern hero got on with fatherhood....

My advice is to give it a go with sitting down with her, go through the pro's and con's.
What you need to mainly talk about is, is this really the best situation for a child to grow up in?
The child comes first, it has no choice in what kind if a world it is being born into. I get you're mad, I get that it is a horrible feeling to you. But you also need to think of the bigger outcome. A child is a beautiful thing to have in your life, especially knowing that, this little human is half of you. Think about it.

Er, pretty sure the matter has been decided by now.

I was going to say @BlueMermaid96 it's an old thread. I was just being snarky ;)

"I dont get to choose my own reproduction bwcause im a man right? "

OP you chose your own reproduction when you decided to have sex with this woman and not use any condom - that was your choice; now you get to live with the consequences of your choice. Not expect her to have an abortion to fix those consequences for you.

Grow up and start behaving like a man or you won't be any kind of role model to a child worth having around anyway.

@Ereshkigal @CL1982 Ahhhh, I didn't see the date on the post. My bad lol.

It’s your “FUNDAMENTAL RIGHT” to choose that we have a baby cut from our bodies, because you decide you shouldn’t have come inside us during sexytime afterall? Erm... no.

If you don’t want a child then be more careful, and realise that accidents happen. If you REALLY don’t want to risk it then just don’t have sex. It’s honestly that simple. You can’t just go around doing as you please and expect women to cut your child out of them as you see fit

Oops didn’t read the date either!

You dip the stick you share the bill, boy.
I don't believe you anyway. Nothing better to do than making up stories?