Pregnant girlfriend wants to keep baby, i dont

[Evanbaby]

Hi, I've had a sort of relationship with a 42y girl for 8 months, she accidentally got pregnant recently and wants to keep, it despite the fact that I don't.

She has 4 children already from two men and as much as I liked her I never intended to have a family with her. She has always known I don't want a child right now.

I'm devastated because this isn't how and want to experience to my first child and a family, and I know that we'll never be together anyway after that. If I have a child, I want to be a present father all the time, be in a proper relationship and be settled with the girl.

If she goes ahead I can still try but eventually I will be with another girl and start a family then, the child will never be fully part of my family. I'm heart broken to think that I'll never be a dad to this kid the way I would like to be and also I feel the joy of it all is being stolen from me, instead it's a painful experience, not a joy. And the child will never have a dad the way I would like my child to have.

Her reason to want to keep it is to not have the guilt of abortion, which I understand completely, but also her daughter had an abortion recently and they've moved on, so I'm not convinced it's just the only reason.

I feel even worse knowing that she can still go ahead when she knows it breaks my heart and has a family already.
It nearly seems selfish of her but also know how hard the termination is, I just can't do it myself for us.

I'm lost and thought I'd log here to talk to people with experience.

Many thanks in advance

I'm sorry to be rude but are you a little bit Daw Dimple?

I dont get to choose my own reproduction bwcause im a man right?

You DO get to chose. And you DID get a choice. You had a choice not to insert your un-condomed penis inside her and ejaculate. That was entirely your choice and you were the only one with the power to make that decision for you.

You decided to go ahead and do it, many times, knowing that doing that might mean a baby is conceived.

And then a baby was conceived.

Now you want to make decisions about her body that suit you, because you couldn't be arsed to inconvenience yourself when the choice was yours, about your body.

My position on this has always been clear from the start with her, and its so wrong to take this decision for someone else.

Nobody took this decision for you except you. You had a choice and you did not exercise that choice, you decided to risk it. If you were so clear from the start then why weren't you using a condom for this casual sexual encounter (not a question, I know the answer).

You cant have a baby if the other doesnt want to, that the highest moral authority to me. A baby is a decision agreed by both parties.

And you talking about moral authority is fucking rich.

We've tried to explain this to you a number of ways. It's been obvious from your first post that you just wanted everyone to agree that she's "trapped you", you the poor little victim of this evil older woman. But you're wrong. You need to take responsibility for yourself and your own reproduction and you didn't. You risked it.

And if you really can't get your head around that then I really rather doubt that she desperately wanted to have your baby as you're clearly somewhat intellectually challenged and who'd wish that on their child

Trapping you? How? You can still be an involved loving daddy regardless of your relationship with the mum bet you won't

You cant have a baby if the other doesnt want to, that the highest moral authority to me Read that back to yourself. Read it back with a clear head and see how twattish it comes across and realise what you are suggesting.

Well done for coming back OP, although less well done for not taking any notice of all the posts contradicting your views. Just to recap, and in answer to your latest post.

I dont get to choose my own reproduction bwcause im a man right?
Wrong. As a man, you don't get to choose whether to kill a child growing in someone else's body. However, like everyone else, male or female, you can choose to take control of conception by managing your own contraception. You chose not to use a condom, thus leaving reproduction up to someone else.

Unless i move in with her the child will never have a home daddy, present at all time in a stable relationship of two loving parents.
Wrong. The child's mother may meet and marry someone else who will become your child's stepfather. Or you could apply for full-time custody of your child.

It's not the 1950s. There are many family setups that create happy, well-balanced children. Trying to create a 'she must have trapped me' victim mentality is not the way to do that.

So Evan you are saying you think that men should be able to insist women have abortions.

You do realise that is the essence of your argument don't you?

What else do you think women should have to do if men command them to?

Oh my god Evan you made your part of the decision already. You think this is hard on you? Then talk to women about what it's like to have an abortion you ass.

This has given me the fucking rage.

A baby is a decision agreed by both parties.

In an ideal world, or in a world in which both parties can potentially get pregnant, maybe.
In the RL with biology as it is, no. To repeat her body, her choice.

Children thrive in all sorts of home set-ups: traditional nuclear families, one parent, single sex parents, parents living apart but parenting together. What matters to them (apart from sustenance and shelter) is unconditional love, consistency and predictability.

Trapping? Really? Does she want a relationship with you as the home daddy?? That has not sounded like that to me from your posts.

But kudos for coming back

I doubt she is trying to trap you Evan - you don't sound like much of a catch to me.

Having an abortion is hard. Raising a child on your own is hard. Women have to choose which hard they opt for - it's not a choice people relish.

as much as I liked her I never intended to have a family with her. She has always known I don't want a child right now
Trousers. If you'd kept it in your trousers you wouldn't have this problem.

I dont get to choose my own reproduction bwcause im a man right?

Wrong.

Spectacularly wrong.

In fact I would go so far as to call it irresponsible.

Of course you should choose if you want to reproduce.

You didn't though, did you?

No amount of mental gymnastic like some are doing here will make it right to force someone into this, it's not only terrible when it's a woman, or is it?

Not sure if I should laugh or scream. You shagged her, face the consequences. Contraception fails. You don't want children, have a snip or use a condom.
She was good as a fuck buddy but her doubtful morals make her a bad partner. Wow, talk about double standards. And you are the epitome of morals or what? Grow up. Grow some proper balls and take responsibility for your little swimmers.

You agreed to have a baby as soon as you dipped your wick without a coat,myou silly person.

How on earth can you say you don't get to choose???? You made the first choice.

I'm failing to see what the OP is struggling to understand here.

1. you did have a choice with your reproduction: wear a condom or risk pregnancy. YOU CHOSE not to. Nobody else. Just your choice.

Stop being such a stupid wanker op. Nobody has trapped you, you're a self made victim of your own poor choice.

I really pity this woman. I hope she relaises what a monumental muppet you are.

This can't be real

The more I read the more I'm begging it isn't real choc.

OP - you've said a baby is a decision that should be agreed by two parents. Can you explain what this looks like to you? What happens in the situations

Woman gets pregnant and doesn't want the baby but the man does.

Woman gets pregnant and wants the baby but the man doesn't.

What are the outcomes in these situations?

Oh yes, she's definitely trapping you, because what woman wouldn't want to be tied to a malignant arsehole like you for life.

'You cant have a baby if the other doesnt want to, that the highest moral authority to me. A baby is a decision agreed by both parties'. Yes, indeed a baby is a decision made by both parties. You made that decision when you put your un-condomed penis inside her. Now she's making her decision not to abort her child because it inconveniences you. So there we go. Decisions made.

You've had time to think about it since last Sunday and are still coming up with such crap?

You clearly didn't make your intentions clear with her as you didn't use a condom. You didn't take responsibility for having a child or not, you left it to her. So, it's up to her now too.

And you can rest. It's not so sad to be a child with a single parent. Certainly better than with two but with one who doesn't want to be there.

You can't have a baby if the other doesn't want to, that the highest moral authority to me.

You cannot force a woman to undergo a medical procedure she doesn't want. That's the highest moral authority to me.

If you absolutely didn't want a baby with this woman you shouldn't have been sleeping with her.

Stop blaming the woman and take some responsibility for your actions. You are fully accountable for this pregnancy.

Maybe it makes more sense like this:

Your control over your reproduction cannot extend beyond your contribution to that reproduction.

You've already done your bit, made your choices, and you regret it. Ok, that's understandable - it isn't your ideal situation. However, you made a baby and you have to live with that and decide if you're going to be a father or not.

Your partner (?) is now making her contribution, and she has control over that for the first few months.

You cannot expect to have the final say in both your contribution (i.e. to not wear a condom, despite the known failure rate of the pill), and in hers - can you see that?

I doubt she was trying to 'trap' you, btw - she's probably worked out by now that having children with a man doesn't guarantee any happily-ever-after .

You may want to reconsider the fixed idea you have that you are entitled to have your cake and eat it if you want to have a secure relationship with another woman at some point down the road. You will find that a lot of women won't accept very much of that.

Any woman you have a baby with won't be all that enamoured of the idea that the baby is all about your feelings for it either. 'Ask not what a baby can do for you but what you can do for the baby's mother' is a good motto to live by.

Its definitely my fault too but if she goes ahead I wont have wanted it or decided it. I dont get to choose my own reproduction bwcause im a man right?

You made that choice. You had unprotected sex. As a male that is when you make your choice of reproduction.

You seem to assume your child will be living with its mother and you will be the part time parent. Have you considered actually being a full time parent? Have you considered this child living with you full time?

Thought not.

The child will be living with the mother though. Women don't generally hand over their babies to the dad and he wouldn't have a leg to stand on if he tried to make her. His choice is either to try and form a real and lasting relationship with the mum and therefore be one of two resident parents or be a properly involved nrp (including financial support ) or to leave the mum to it.