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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Pregnant girlfriend wants to keep baby, i dont

237 replies

Evanbaby · 04/06/2016 12:03

Hi, I've had a sort of relationship with a 42y girl for 8 months, she accidentally got pregnant recently and wants to keep, it despite the fact that I don't.

She has 4 children already from two men and as much as I liked her I never intended to have a family with her. She has always known I don't want a child right now.

I'm devastated because this isn't how and want to experience to my first child and a family, and I know that we'll never be together anyway after that. If I have a child, I want to be a present father all the time, be in a proper relationship and be settled with the girl.

If she goes ahead I can still try but eventually I will be with another girl and start a family then, the child will never be fully part of my family. I'm heart broken to think that I'll never be a dad to this kid the way I would like to be and also I feel the joy of it all is being stolen from me, instead it's a painful experience, not a joy. And the child will never have a dad the way I would like my child to have.

Her reason to want to keep it is to not have the guilt of abortion, which I understand completely, but also her daughter had an abortion recently and they've moved on, so I'm not convinced it's just the only reason.

I feel even worse knowing that she can still go ahead when she knows it breaks my heart and has a family already.
It nearly seems selfish of her but also know how hard the termination is, I just can't do it myself for us.

I'm lost and thought I'd log here to talk to people with experience.

Many thanks in advance

OP posts:

LaBelleOtero · 04/06/2016 17:17

And I agree with her being able to choose, and I agree that they should never be forced, but if the man doesn't want it, how is that different than forcing a woman to have one she doesn't want? Suddenly it's fine if it's a guy because it's the woman's body?

Hmm, I see I'm not the only one thinking this is another goady fucker thread.

But it's different for a woman, Einstein, because it is her body, yes. How exactly would you envision making an unwilling woman get an abortion?

Babettescat · 04/06/2016 20:14

I'm not sure that this thread is worth engaging with... IYSWIM? can't say anything more Mumsnet guidelines etc

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 04/06/2016 20:16

Babe it aeems a few of us have checked and it seems to be straight up.

AgentPineapple · 04/06/2016 20:28

Totally agree with other posters, if you didn't want kids you should have been a lot more careful. Your post heard this towards it being her fault, news flash she couldn't have done it with out you!

If she wants to keep it, you have no choice, if you don't want to be involved then don't be but if you are any sort of decent person you will be financially responsible.

AgentPineapple · 04/06/2016 20:30

Geared not heard!

Toffeelatteplease · 04/06/2016 20:32

Being a father is not about you.

It is not about the situation you in or how you would want to do it. The child is not an extension of you or your dreams. They are a little individual

It's about a child who needs a dad. The rest of it really doesn't matter.

If you don't realise that you will make an appalling dad whatever the situation.

Gazelda · 04/06/2016 20:35

You don't have a great deal of respect for her, do you?

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 04/06/2016 20:46

You are seriously 33 years old?

You need to grow the fuck up.

McCunty · 04/06/2016 20:46

Well it's not your choice, you had a choice before you started "shagging" her, you should have warn a condom, do you just take every woman's word, you sleep with, that their using contraception?
More fool you, now it's time to step up, be a man.

Good enough to shag but not good enough to be the mother of your child?

PunkrockerGirl · 04/06/2016 20:54

She was on the pill btw
Were you absolutely sure about this? Did you watch her take it every day? Probably not and yet you chose not to wear a condom.
And you come on here asking for sympathy
Just fuck off. If you don't want children, don't have sex and if you really must, take responsibility for your own contraception. Don't come whining on here and expect support on a predominantly women's forum. I suspect you are a troll and I've got overly involved

Fairenuff · 04/06/2016 22:48

You're 33 and didn't know about contraceptives? Blimey mate, you need to wise up pretty quick before you 'accidentally' impregnate someone else.

Original poster

Evanbaby · 05/06/2016 00:49

I appreciate the comments actually talking about what can happen next, there are many of you leaving rather patronising comments. Yes sex leads to babies and I should have been more careful.

If she goes ahead I'll be the best dad I can be and support her, but I can't just suddenly decide to settle for life with her, you need more than a few months for such decision.

No amount of mental gymnastic like some are doing here will make it right to force someone into this, it's not only terrible when it's a woman, or is it?
It's also not great for a child to be placed in such situation in my view.

May I ask, how likely is it to get pregnant while on the pill when over 40? I do have some doubts over this but mostly from ignorance on the matter.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 05/06/2016 01:00

'May I ask, how likely is it to get pregnant while on the pill when over 40? I do have some doubts over this but mostly from ignorance on the matter.'

Have you ever heard the proverb, 'Closing the stable door after the horse has bolted'?

Because that is where you are now.

It is a moot point how likely it is for a person over 40 to get pregnant on the pill.

So people do. Hell, my grandmother got pregnant at 47. She hadn't had a period in months, and years of scanty, light periods before that. She was nearly 6 months along before she realised she was pregnant with her 7th child, whom she gave birth to less than 2 months before she turned 48. She had had her first child at 16.

It has happened. There is no 'if she goes ahead' because she is going ahead.

You are going to be a father.

That is where you stand now.

Luckyfuckyducky · 05/06/2016 01:00

If you don't want children, wear a condom or have a vesectomy. NHS will give you one, whereas they won't tie our tubes.

At 42 she is NOT a girl.

Paulat2112 · 05/06/2016 07:44

Nobody is forcing you into this though. When she has the baby you do not have to be part of his/her life. You can walk away. Yes you may still need to pay maintenance for the bab but you dont have to be there. Obviously that's a pretty shitty thing to do and I don't know how anyone could walk away from their own child, but no one will force you to be a dad. You can of course give your opinion to your gf/fuck buddy/not future wife material but will shag you anyway, but your decision has already been made when you put your uncovered penis inside her! It is actually quite easy to get pregnant whilst on pill, very easy to forget to take one, or take it at the wrong time. Also if you are sick it can stop it working and some medications (including herbal things) can stop it working.

DailyMailGOFuckOff · 05/06/2016 08:10

How sick that OP is looking for a "she did it on purpose" angle by implying it's unlikely she accidentally got pregnant at 42 on the pill.

Even if she did it on purpose OP - the moment you decided to forgoe a condom - YOU were compliant in creating a baby

Also, even if odds were actually slim - 42 plus pill, it's only odds not certainty, some women are still just as fertile

I feel so sorry for this child having a dick of a father that wants to blame it's mother for its existence before its arrived. Support its damn mother FFS I'm sure you're not her ideal either if she's any sense but killing her feotus isn't on her list of how to deal with the situation so grow some FGS

Stop whining on about this being unfair on the child. What's unfair on it right now is YOUR attitude to its existence

AyeAmarok · 05/06/2016 08:21

No amount of mental gymnastic like some are doing here will make it right to force someone into this, it's not only terrible when it's a woman, or is it?

It's also not great for a child to be placed in such situation in my view.

No mental gymnastics required; the only person who "forced" you into fatherhood was YOU, when you put your un-condomed penis inside her.

After that, neither of you have any control as to whether nature does it's thing and a child is conceived. Which is what happened. So now she is pregnant, because you didn't use a condom.

And no it's not great for a child to be placed in such situation in my view either - but it's too late, the baby has already been conceived. The time for you to think about whether this would be a good setup for a potential child was before you decided to have sex while not wearing a condom.

PurpleDaisies · 05/06/2016 08:24

No amount of mental gymnastic like some are doing here will make it right to force someone into this, it's not only terrible when it's a woman, or is it?

You are totally failing to see that since you and your partner don't agree on what to do about the baby somebody will have to live with a choice they didn't want. Since she is the one with the baby inside her body, she gets to choose. End of. It's nothing to do with you being a man and her being a woman.

seeyounearertime · 05/06/2016 08:32

No amount of mental gymnastic

It'ds funny mentioning mental gymnastics, seems the only one doing them is you OP trying to turn it into the womans fault.

are you such an amazing person that she wanted to trap you into father hood? Judging by these comments and general tone i'd say she could have found better... much better...

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings · 05/06/2016 08:41

We need a new section 'Am I being a cunt' because yes OP YABAC for all the reasons above.

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 05/06/2016 08:59

"The second we start allowing people other than the woman concerned to have a vote on what she may or may not do with her body - we have a problem."

^^This with bells on.

OP, I agree that it does seem unfair on men that women get the ultimate veto but really there is no other way. Ask yourself: what is the alternative? Forced abortion? Forced birthing (if the man wants it)?

Think of how things were before when women had no contraceptive choice. Huge numbers of unwanted pregnancies and abandoned children and women impoverished (and socially disgraced) whilst the men who had gotten them pregnant moved on without a backward glance because society allowed them to "other" the woman and see her as a fallen woman.

That system was far worse on women than today's system is on men because a) it's not the man's body that is being forced to go through anything and b) because of the persistent problem of rape, men (as a class, obviously not on an individual level) have more control over whether to have sex or not in the first place.

So yes, unfair, but better than the alternative.

AHellOfABird · 05/06/2016 09:01

"fine if it's a guy because it's the woman's body?"

Yes, that's exactly right.

Arfarfanarf · 05/06/2016 09:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky · 05/06/2016 09:24

Op you seem to be arguing that men should be able to dictate if women proceed with pregnancies or not. Just think about that for fucks sake.

Sex is designed to make babies. If you want to prevent pregnancy, take control of your own fertility.

And stop whining and playing the victim here. Also don't go around telling the world you've been cruelly trapped. Bet this is what you are going to do now.

PacificDogwod · 05/06/2016 10:13

No mental gymnastics required - it's really, really straightforward.
It is YOU who is trying to find something to blame for your position

Combined contraceptive pills have a 0.5-1% failure rate.
Fertility does NOT 'fall off a cliff' after any kind of age. Women have had babies from puberty til menopause since the beginning of time.

If you are implying that you are having doubts about whether or not she was actually using contraception, you are an even bigger mungbean for not having insisted on your own contraception. Or was it just more convenient to leave it all up to her?

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