Pregnant girlfriend wants to keep baby, i dont

[Evanbaby]

Hi, I've had a sort of relationship with a 42y girl for 8 months, she accidentally got pregnant recently and wants to keep, it despite the fact that I don't.

She has 4 children already from two men and as much as I liked her I never intended to have a family with her. She has always known I don't want a child right now.

I'm devastated because this isn't how and want to experience to my first child and a family, and I know that we'll never be together anyway after that. If I have a child, I want to be a present father all the time, be in a proper relationship and be settled with the girl.

If she goes ahead I can still try but eventually I will be with another girl and start a family then, the child will never be fully part of my family. I'm heart broken to think that I'll never be a dad to this kid the way I would like to be and also I feel the joy of it all is being stolen from me, instead it's a painful experience, not a joy. And the child will never have a dad the way I would like my child to have.

Her reason to want to keep it is to not have the guilt of abortion, which I understand completely, but also her daughter had an abortion recently and they've moved on, so I'm not convinced it's just the only reason.

I feel even worse knowing that she can still go ahead when she knows it breaks my heart and has a family already.
It nearly seems selfish of her but also know how hard the termination is, I just can't do it myself for us.

I'm lost and thought I'd log here to talk to people with experience.

Many thanks in advance

Think of how things were before when women had no contraceptive choice. Huge numbers of unwanted pregnancies and abandoned children and women impoverished (and socially disgraced) whilst the men who had gotten them pregnant moved on without a backward glance because society allowed them to "other" the woman and see her as a fallen woman.

Great post they but unfortunately I suspect what you describe sounds like utopia to the OP.

I also got pregnant on the pill btw OP (thank you epic shellfish food poisoning). It happens.

If you're in a 'sort of relationship' rather than a committed one, then you definitely should have taken responsibility for your half of the proceedings (ie worn a condom or had a vasectomy).

The pill is very, very reliable - as long as it's being used correctly. If the user is a bit lax, occasionally taking one late, or missing one, or goes on antibiotics, or has a stomach bug, or goes on certain medication that interferes with effectiveness (such as St John's Wort), then it can fail and additional protection is required.

Yes, the woman gets the final say, whether it's to abort or to continue with the pregnancy - she's the one who has to go through the nine months of growing and birthing a baby, plus the recovery time, plus breastfeeding if she chooses to do so. It may mean that she has to do it alone if you decide not to be a part if the child's life - that's your choice - but you'll have to contribute financially if that's what she wants. Again, if you weren't willing to be a father, you should have sorted your own contraception.

I can't just suddenly decide to settle for life with her, you need more than a few months for such decision. No amount of mental gymnastic like some are doing here will make it right to force someone into this, it's not only terrible when it's a woman, or is it?
It's also not great for a child to be placed in such situation in my view.

You don't need to settle for life with her. But ideally you'd decide to try and be a decent father to your child. It doesn't have to be either/or. Though being civil makes things 1000x easier. And she isn't forcing you into this, she can't. No court in the land will insist you stay with her, or insist you step up and be a father to the child you helped create. But if you do try and shrug off all responsibility she may pursue a financial claim for your child, as she should.
And again, what will make things so much better for the child is if he/she has a loving, engaged and present father. And as I said, you don't have to be romantically involved with her mother for that to happen. Ignore the "no-one lets me see my kids!!" histrionics online, no family court in the UK would prevent a man seeing his child unless for a very good reason, and often, not even then!

So you didn't use any contraception to prevent getting her pregnant, you went ahead and did the thing you have to do to create a baby and you're suprised with the result?

I'm astounded that you couldn't put these simple actions together and predict the likely result. You let your sperm loose into a fertile female knowing that it could result in pregnancy.

Why are you so ignorant? Did you not learn about this at school?

And now you are asking people to agree that a woman should have to have medical intervention against her wishes because of your ignorance.

I must admit I do feel sorry for the child to have a father like that but there is time to change and become less selfish.

Friends of mine had a contraceptive accident and did decide to stay together after a much shorter period dating than you and your "sort of" relationship. It worked well.

Not saying that's the right course for you, but it's not impossible as an outcome if you want to make a go of it.

You may or may not agree with the law on abortion being the woman's choice, but like every other man who complains about it when he is in this position, you had sex in a country where the law is as it is. You are 33, presumably you understand all other laws like speeding and drink driving apply to you whether you agree with them or not. No point complaining now.

I understand what you are saying, that Ideally it should be a 50:50 decision, as the baby is genetically half yours. But because the woman is having the medical procedure after the baby grows inside her, then ultimately the decision is hers. You two can discuss it but the final choice is hers.

I think you now need to think about what happens next. Do you want to support her through pregnancy and after birth? Do or don't, this will also affect your immediate family who will be grandparents, aunties, uncles etc.

I understand this isn't what you wanted but it's time to stand up and be brave. You don't have to be in a relationship with the woman if you don't want. Try and see your relationship with your child as separate.

It's a good future lesson to never trust anyone other than yourself for contraception. Wether it's an accident or she decieved you is neither here nor there.

Good luck, and by the way, having a child has lots of positives too!

Dear OP the "42yo girl" comment has naturally upset many. Who writes that?!? I get the impression you are quite young?

But aside from that, her decision is made so you have to focus on how you can support her and be there for her and your child. Life is not perfect. We all would like the perfect family, career and home life but its not reality. You can't plan every aspect of life so try to go with it and do the best you can. Try and make the best of it so the child doesn't suffer. Good luck.

Britny I'm sure I read somewhere in the thread OP is in his 30s! I think quite immature though

He also clarified that English is not his first language. He is still being immature and silly but back off from complaing about his choice of language folks.

Can't add much to what others have already said, but:

Her body, her choice

Her refusing to abort isn't what's causing you to have a child you don't want here, you are as responsible as she is for getting to this stage.

A 42 year old is a woman, not a girl

What on earth made you think you'd find much support here? What do you want us to suggest? Ways to force her to have an abortion she doesn't want?

agentpineapple ooops!

And I agree with her being able to choose, and I agree that they should never be forced, but if the man doesn't want it, how is that different than forcing a woman to have one she doesn't want? Suddenly it's fine if it's a guy because it's the woman's body?

Yes. That is why.

So it's done and now you get on with it and enjoy it.

Britny it's a very long thread haha

.

You sound like a massive wanker.

A bit off topic but frim reading here a condom = no baby. Yet when any woman is pregnant and it wasn't planned or people are questioning someone getting pregnant in less than ideal circumstances everyone is screaming contraceptive failures and nothing works 100% yet everyone here seems 100% certain that a condom very definitely equals no baby. I can just picture the responses if people told a woman, well if u didn't want a baby you should of just used a condom, it's your fault. Such double standards on here sometimes.

Suddenly it's fine if it's a guy because it's the woman's body?

Well, yes. I'm glad that you've finally understood that. The woman is the only one who has a choice.

Well, I suppose you have a choice too, you can choose to be a deadbeat dad and have nothing to do with your child.

But in terms of whether you should have a choice as to whether your partner remains pregnant or not? No, you don't get a say.

MrsRyanGosling15

No.

But using a condom AND the pill makes it extremely less likely that a baby will be conceived.

And when you're shagging a woman that you apparently don't like that much and DEFINITELY wouldn't want children with, then one would think that it would make sense to use a condom and take some fucking responsibility for yourself.

Bur no, it's much more convenient for the guy to leave it all to the woman and then spend the rest of his days blaming the woman for ruining his life. Because she tried to trap him, because he sounds like he's such a catch.

Fuck that shit.

The message "on here" is not double standards, it's very simply "Men, if you don't want to have a baby then use a condom".

yet everyone here seems 100% certain that a condom very definitely equals no baby.

Nope. The OP stated that his girlfriend was on the pill. The pill plus condom = almost definitely no baby.

speechless i'm sure she tricked you into all this

No amount of mental gymnastic like some are doing here will make it right to force someone into this, it's not only terrible when it's a woman, or is it?

No gymnastics of any kind needed here. When men carry babies inside their body and then give birth to them through a pelvic aperture THEN they can choose what to do with THEIR body. Until then, they have no choices once a pregnancy is there, all men's choices are before that happens, you didn't make sure, your problem.

It's also not great for a child to be placed in such situation in my view.

Tough.

Should have thought of that before you had sex with a woman you obviously feel deep contempt for and now think is lying, for no other reason than your actions have messed your shiny life plan up and you need someone else to blame, because naturally, none of this is your fault.

OP I'm afraid you have to understand that yes, it is less reasonable to force a woman to have a child she doesn't want than to force a man to have a child he doesn't want. The simple fact is she has to go through the physical demands of pregnancy and childbirth (and as any mother will tell you this changes you and your body forever). Likewise, she would be the one who has to physically endure a termination. As such, you have no say in the matter. Think of it like this, I cannot force my husband to live if he is ill and decides he does not want medical intervention to survive, no matter what hurt I may feel.

You do have the ability to decide how you will behave now though. You can decide to let go of your dream situation, which now doesn't exist. You can decide to be a good father to this child. You can put your big boy pants on and support this woman, whether you stay romantically involved in her life or not.

These decisions will shape not only the life of you, this woman, and this child, but will ultimately inform any other woman you decide to get involved with what sort of man you really are.

I appreciate the advises, Im not sure yet what will happen but i certainly wont turn my back on a child. Its just sad for a kid to start like this and it breaks my heart. Unless i move in with her the child will never have a home daddy, present at all time in a stable relationship of two loving parents.

Its definitely my fault too but if she goes ahead I wont have wanted it or decided it. I dont get to choose my own reproduction bwcause im a man right?
My position on this has always been clear from the start with her, and its so wrong to take this decision for someone else.
You cant have a baby if the other doesnt want to, that the highest moral authority to me. A baby is a decision agreed by both parties.

@netflixandicescream
Most of my female friends have said the same thing, that she might be trapping me .. im really not sure but I cant exclude this possibilty.

No you can choose, use a condom. You said 'choose your own reproduction', thats precisely what you need to do - take responsibility for yourself. Don't rely on others.

You can't force a woman to have an abortion, thats barbaric. And trapping you? How bloody pathetic. Grow up.

You chose what happened to your body, she is choosing what happens to hers.

Anyway, thats all irrelevant as theres bugger all you can do now. You need to start planning - have you space for a baby to stay with you in your house? Do you need to move somewhere bigger?