Pregnant girlfriend wants to keep baby, i dont

[Evanbaby]

Hi, I've had a sort of relationship with a 42y girl for 8 months, she accidentally got pregnant recently and wants to keep, it despite the fact that I don't.

She has 4 children already from two men and as much as I liked her I never intended to have a family with her. She has always known I don't want a child right now.

I'm devastated because this isn't how and want to experience to my first child and a family, and I know that we'll never be together anyway after that. If I have a child, I want to be a present father all the time, be in a proper relationship and be settled with the girl.

If she goes ahead I can still try but eventually I will be with another girl and start a family then, the child will never be fully part of my family. I'm heart broken to think that I'll never be a dad to this kid the way I would like to be and also I feel the joy of it all is being stolen from me, instead it's a painful experience, not a joy. And the child will never have a dad the way I would like my child to have.

Her reason to want to keep it is to not have the guilt of abortion, which I understand completely, but also her daughter had an abortion recently and they've moved on, so I'm not convinced it's just the only reason.

I feel even worse knowing that she can still go ahead when she knows it breaks my heart and has a family already.
It nearly seems selfish of her but also know how hard the termination is, I just can't do it myself for us.

I'm lost and thought I'd log here to talk to people with experience.

Many thanks in advance

Look, simply put, if you don't want kids, don't have sex. It is the only 100% effective way of preventing children.e even with contraception you are at risk of the woman getting pregnant. You took that risk so bloody stand up and take responsibility for your actions.

its so wrong to take this decision for someone else

Unless it's you making the decision for her, yeah?

Tosser.

No, I don't necessarily think I'm being trapped, this is only a view that came out from others, mostly women actually, go figure.

I didn't decide to have a kid by not using protection correctly, I was just being naive and stupid. You don't decide to get hit by a truck when you look at the wrong side, and you wouldn't tell a woman she decided to get pregnant by forgetting a pill, don't be ridiculous. Oh double standards.

Anyway, to reply to some of you, with my education, in my eyes the fundamental right is to be able to choose whether or not you keep a child when an accident occurs, in equal terms between man and woman. You get to choose.
The abortion is the only way the respect ones precious choice not to have a child; who actually has to do it is as unfair as it is seconday, it's already been arbitrary decided by nature.

So yes, if the man doesn't want a child, she has to have an abortion to respect this choice. Only by principle anyway off course, not by force! I would go through this for her, without hesitation, and I'd NEVER force a child on someone anyway.

That's immoral and why would you even want that for yourself, your child and your partner?

Thanks for commenting, it was helpful to read hostile views different than mine. I wasn't asking for total support or tell me it's all her fault. My fault for creating this situation sure, but what happens next will be her choice and hers alone, not mine if she keeps it.

I'll be the best dad to this kid.

with my education, in my eyes the fundamental right is to be able to choose whether or not you keep a child when an accident occurs, in equal terms between man and woman. You get to choose.
The abortion is the only way the respect ones precious choice not to have a child; who actually has to do it is as unfair as it is seconday, it's already been arbitrary decided by nature.

So yes, if the man doesn't want a child, she has to have an abortion to respect this choice. Only by principle anyway off course, not by force! I would go through this for her, without hesitation, and I'd NEVER force a child on someone anyway. '

You just don't get it. You have NO idea what you'd do because you don't have a uterus. I could study cocks and male anatomy from now till the world ends, but I'm never going to understand what it's like to have one, or how I'd be behave if I had because I don't.

You still seem to think she's somehow morally deficient because she won't have a medical procedure on her body that she does not want because you want her to have it.

It's really not immoral for a woman not to go through a traumatic medical procedure to abort her wanted child, just to pander to the whim of a frighteningly selfish, irresponsible, self-absorbed thirtysomething man-child. You need to consider your definition of "morality".

So yes, if the man doesn't want a child, she has to have an abortion to respect this choice.

Thank goodness there are more and more countries where the highest courts and law makers (typically male by a large majority) don't agree with you.

So yes, if the man doesn't want a child, she has to have an abortion to respect this choice.
So what if the man wants the baby and she doesn't? Who decides then?

Look, I have a brother, I have sons.

I have some sympathy for what you are saying with regards to no wanting to be in the position you are in.
You have however lost what sympathy I had with the statement I quoted above.

To repeat for the umpteenth time on this thread: her body, her choice.
If you were pregnant, your choice.
It really is as simple as that.

I had hoped that attitudes like yours were dying out. The fact that you are almost 20 years younger than and hold these Neanderthal views actually fills me with despair. No - actually, not despair: anger. I really hope that you are never in a position that allows you to make decisions over other people's lives.

You were part in the creation of this pregnancy, now deal with the consequences!

I would go through this for her, without hesitation, and I'd NEVER force a child on someone anyway.

So if she asked you to have a vasectomy, you'd do it, 'without hestitation' would you?

I have a son, too. I had zero sympathy after the first post. You don't want to have kids, you use a condom every single time. Or get a vasectomy. Or don't have sex.

Yes. It's depressing. A sperm meeting an egg is still perceived to be a woman's ''fault''.

That part, a man has 50:50 responsibility to control, and by putting on a condom, he has 100% power (or 97%) to prevent it.

It's not the same conundrum as asking if a woman wishing to terminate should be subject to a man's wishes that she endure an unwanted pregnancy. She is not an incubator. It is her life that will be affected more, in EVERY way.

Anyway, to reply to some of you, with my education, in my eyes the fundamental right is to be able to choose whether or not you keep a child when an accident occurs, in equal terms between man and woman. You get to choose.

As in this case, there will be disagreement in what to do about the baby. The only way to settle such a disagreement is if it is inside your body you are the one with the final say.

The abortion is the only way the respect ones precious choice not to have a child; who actually has to do it is as unfair as it is seconday, it's already been arbitrary decided by nature.

You can rail against nature all you want, until you are the one who us pregnant you do not have the deciding vote. You did have a say in whether you had sex with this woman. If you feel so strongly about not having a child, stop doing that until you've had a vasectomy.

He won't have a vasectomy. He does want children, only this woman isn't good enough to be his child's mother.

So yes, if the man doesn't want a child, she has to have an abortion to respect this choice.

As other posters have already pointed out, you are very much mistaken. Whatever you've been taught and whatever assumptions you've held on this matter, are completely misinformed. It might be hard for you to shake this viewpoint but you must understand she has a life growing inside her body. She isn't morally compelled to end it, and suffer the emotional and physical hurt that might result, based on someone else's preferences.

OP I do think you are actually being ridiculous now.

Of course a man does not get to decide about a woman's body. I don't believe that you didn't know that. I just think that you are a misogynist.

I feel sorry that the child might have to have anything to do with you at all tbh.

Anyway, to reply to some of you, with my education, in my eyes the fundamental right is to be able to choose whether or not you keep a child when an accident occurs, in equal terms between man and woman. You get to choose.

You need to go back to school then.

He's just trolling now.

Evan - there is no equality here. You get to walk away and the poor woman gets to take responsibility for the child.
You come across as being very self- centred and a bit misogynistic.

"So yes, if the man doesn't want a child, she has to have an abortion to respect this choice"

FUCK. OFF. Have you ANY FUCKING IDEA what a forced abortion (or any abortion) does to a woman? Not just to her body but the destruction it can wreak on her mind?? What it feels like to know you've killed that little life when you wanted to keep it? It's HORRIFIC. The worst experience I've ever, ever been through (I had to due to severe toxoplasmosis infection). I still have nightmares. My SIL's husband forced her to have one, she still has to go through counselling for it.

Yes I think you're probably right AyeAmarok. I hope so, anyway.

You just donate sperm you idiot. She's the one who would have to go through the horror of an abortion. You selfish selfish prick, you have no clue do you? I suggest you go read up some of the psych reports on what forced abortions do to women's mind's and bodies.

TBH, she is pregnant. She is the one to decide if she keeps it or not. Whatever you think abut the input a father should have on it doesn't matter. It's her decision.

Where yu DO have a choice is how you are going to deal with that child.
I'm happy to see yu know you will be a great father and that you want the best for that child.
So.... Are you going to ask for 50/50 in looking faster the child as soon as actually possible (eg if she is bfing it won;t be for a while etc...) but passed the early years, will you be father for that child, looking after him/fear 505 of the time?
You can start landing how you can get your life organised, what sort of childcare you want etc etc.
During the time that you won't be able to have YOUR child with you 50% of the time, you can plan how you are going to support YOUR CHILD financially and practically.

And then, never have sex with a woman wo a condom if you don;t want the risk of potentially be father.

He's just trolling now.
Now?

And you'd have an abortion for her? You didn't even bother to use a condom.

My DH has a friend who found himself in the OP's position almost 20 years ago. The woman had the baby, and the bloke stepped up and forged his own relationship with the child (and yes, he paid child support). Just as well really, since Miss Right still hasn't shown up for him yet. If he had taken your tack OP he wouldn't have experienced the joys of fatherhood all this time. As he reaches middle age it's looking increasingly less likely that his dream of having kids within a committed relationship will ever happen.

I know he has no regrets for how things have worked out, but just imagine what he would have missed out on if he had pressured the woman concerned into an abortion.

PS I share the other posters' concerns that you are struggling with the principle that the person who has to go through pregnancy and childbirth gets the final decision.

I think it would be best if you just left her now.
That way you won't have to feel trapped, you won't walk out of hers and your child's life when you meet someone better.
Because from your posts, you don't want to be with this woman anyway, and you are going to keep resenting her for having this baby.
Do her and your child a favour and leave.