Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Pregnant girlfriend wants to keep baby, i dont

237 replies

Evanbaby · 04/06/2016 12:03

Hi, I've had a sort of relationship with a 42y girl for 8 months, she accidentally got pregnant recently and wants to keep, it despite the fact that I don't.

She has 4 children already from two men and as much as I liked her I never intended to have a family with her. She has always known I don't want a child right now.

I'm devastated because this isn't how and want to experience to my first child and a family, and I know that we'll never be together anyway after that. If I have a child, I want to be a present father all the time, be in a proper relationship and be settled with the girl.

If she goes ahead I can still try but eventually I will be with another girl and start a family then, the child will never be fully part of my family. I'm heart broken to think that I'll never be a dad to this kid the way I would like to be and also I feel the joy of it all is being stolen from me, instead it's a painful experience, not a joy. And the child will never have a dad the way I would like my child to have.

Her reason to want to keep it is to not have the guilt of abortion, which I understand completely, but also her daughter had an abortion recently and they've moved on, so I'm not convinced it's just the only reason.

I feel even worse knowing that she can still go ahead when she knows it breaks my heart and has a family already.
It nearly seems selfish of her but also know how hard the termination is, I just can't do it myself for us.

I'm lost and thought I'd log here to talk to people with experience.

Many thanks in advance

OP posts:
ChitChatarunga · 04/06/2016 13:08

"I feel for this woman though. You have viewed her as being a temporary shag while you wait for your perfect future wife. That being the case you can expect her to show the same consideration of your feelings as you are showing for hers."

I agree. It's not a great way to behave.

blueskyinmarch · 04/06/2016 13:11

Are you a lot younger than this woman? You do sound very young and possibly a bit naive. If she is pregnant then it is her choice, and hers alone, to make on whether to keep it or not. Sometime what you want and what you get in life are two very different things.

Pinkheart5915 · 04/06/2016 13:13

I'll don't think the OP will return.

Firstly at 42 she is a woman not a girl and if she wants to keep the baby as harsh as it sounds it's just Tough deal with it. You was only together 8 months ever thought of using a condom?? If you did and it split that is unfortunate but no body's fault and you have to deal with the situation your now in which is your having a baby

TheJiminyConjecture · 04/06/2016 13:15

Pinkheart5915 · 04/06/2016 13:15

Are you an awful lot younger that this woman? You sound it

Babettescat · 04/06/2016 13:15

Ooh you are quite a catch.

Boys like you are totes lovely.

PalmerViolet · 04/06/2016 13:20

You're allowed to be sad OP, but tough.

In the same way as if she wanted to abort and you didn't, your right of veto ends when you ejaculate.

Although your posts doesn't read sad, it reads petulant.

Petulant manbaby is never a good look.

cosytoaster · 04/06/2016 13:22

Me me me me me

Perhaps you should have saved yourself until you met that special 'girl' if it meant that much to you.

YorkshireTeaDrinker · 04/06/2016 13:22

You want this woman to have an abortion so that you can then move on to a new relationship at some point in the future and have a family with someone else who you think is worth being with?

Well, there is, I suppose, some merit in your honesty, but it's a profoundly self centred and callous attitude to take. Babies are so often a consequence of sex. The only way to be sure of not conceiving a child is to refrain from sexual intercourse.

The fact that her daughter has recently had an abortion and (apparently) moved on, does not mean the woman you have recently impregnated (she can't do it to herself, you know?) would do likewise. Asking someone to abort a healthy feotus is a huge thing. You evidently don't appreciate the magnitude of what you are expecting and the selfishness of your attitude.

If "the child will never have a dad the way I would like my child to have" then that is entirely your decision and your responsibility. This has happened. How you chose to react to this circumstance says much about who you are.

MintyBojingles · 04/06/2016 13:23

Get a grip. If you have sex you need to be prepared for the consequences. No contraception is 100% effective.

If she has decided to have the baby You have the choice to either buck up and enjoy being a father to this baby, or be a distant dad and deal with whatever guilt comes up. You can't force her to terminate.

AntiqueSinger · 04/06/2016 13:26

Btw. She didnt accidentally get pregnant. It takes 2. Unless she's a medical miracle. In which case phone the pope.

Am ROFLGrinGrin

AyeAmarok · 04/06/2016 14:13

Everything PalmerViolet said.

AyeAmarok · 04/06/2016 14:16

Also, OP (hellooooo, are you still there?) you might want to bear in mind that any woman worth her salt that you might meet and fall in love with in the future, and that you'll want to marry and have a 'proper' family with, will hear how you treated your first born child and think "what a horrible, selfish fucker" and run a mile from you.

Why would any self-respecting woman want to have a family with a man who can treat his own flesh and blood like that?

Lweji · 04/06/2016 14:26

I expect the OP has found a way to have sex with no danger of having children, or involve any women.

Fairenuff · 04/06/2016 14:36

Looks like the OP has just dumped his load here and done a runner.

Standard then Grin

AntiqueSinger · 04/06/2016 14:59

Fairenuff Grin

EvansAndThePrince · 04/06/2016 15:06

She didn't accidentally get herself pregnant. You (if you are real) accidentally got her pregnant.

She is a woman. She also is the only one with the right to make this decision, as a pp said, your decision making is at the sex part. So, suck it up, you might actually enjoy being a father...if you grow up a lot bit and be a good one.

PacificDogwod · 04/06/2016 15:07

Are we still feeding it then? Grin

Lweji · 04/06/2016 15:08

Otherwise it would be cruelty.
Such a well thought out piece of work.

AntiqueSinger · 04/06/2016 15:18

PacificDogwod Yes apparently Grin

Original poster
Evanbaby · 04/06/2016 15:28

Well I didn't think of getting so many replies and all of them to be the way they are!
First, apologies, not being English I do agree that the word girl was not appropriate.

I'm indeed younger, 33. And no, I wasn't just seeing her for sex, in fact I've had strong feelings for her and she had some for me too, although I knew she wouldn't be the one because she was this age with so many kids already.
So what was I doing you might ask? I'm not sure, except following my heart and staying with someone I saw as more than a sex partner.

The situation did bother me a bit because we both knew, I think, that we didn't really have a future. But when you have feelings it's hard to stop, and we did nearly stop twice because of this, despite having feelings for each other.

She was on the pill btw. Apparently anyway, because it is surprising the get pregnant at 42 while on the pill, but my knowledge is limited right now.

Off course I won't run away from my child if she does it, in fact a small part of me is thrilled by the idea of having a child. But like this?
Not living with her, probably not even being together afterwards, I can't be a dad the way I want it, or the way I think would be good for the child.

I would want to plan to stay forever with the woman I have a child with, be here eveyday for my kid, and I won't make my life with this woman. So even if I do my best for this child, eventually I'll have others with someone else and this one will be detached from it and that's not what I want for my child, how can that be good for it?

And I agree with her being able to choose, and I agree that they should never be forced, but if the man doesn't want it, how is that different than forcing a woman to have one she doesn't want? Suddenly it's fine if it's a guy because it's the woman's body?

Off course it's her body, but it's also my life and the life of a child a stake, taking this decision for the other person isn't right in my view.
I would never do it if the other didn't want it, and especially if I know it will hurt them.

OP posts:
RattieOfCatan · 04/06/2016 15:42

There is so much wrong with your post. For simplicity, I will point out just one thing, twice:

"She was on the pill btw." It doesn't fucking matter. You don't want children, you put a condom on.

"Off course it's her body, but it's also my life and the life of a child a stake, taking this decision for the other person isn't right in my view."
It is her body and her decision. End of discussion. YOU made your decision to risk having a child with somebody by not covering your dick.

Not even going to go into the pathetic bullshit about your ideal little family, life isn't ideal mate, suck it up and get your act together, in 9 months there's going to be a child that you helped create and you need to stand up ready to support it.

AyeAmarok · 04/06/2016 15:43

And I agree with her being able to choose, and I agree that they should never be forced, but if the man doesn't want it, how is that different than forcing a woman to have one she doesn't want? Suddenly it's fine if it's a guy because it's the woman's body?

It's different because your choice not to have a child ended when you ejaculated, condom-free, into your girlfriend.

You weren't forced to ejaculate into her without a condom. If you didn't want a baby, you should have used a condom and then this would have been a lot less likely to happen. Instead, you decided to take no responsibility for yourself and the consequences of that are she's pregnant, because you were careless and irresponsible.

HTH.

coolaschmoola · 04/06/2016 15:44

If you have feelings for each other why WON'T you make your life with this woman?

You could live with her, stay with her forever and raise your child together.

I get the feeling that their are either cultural or religious reasons for your thinking - but if that is the case then should you really have been having a relationship in the first place? And if it is cultural/religious should that come before your child? Not in my world.

AntiqueSinger · 04/06/2016 15:44

Sorry but as has been said any time you have sex a child can result. My DS is 17 and I have already started drumming this into his head. Casual sex is a gamble. Taking the pill, condoms etc only provides you with better odds, not a foolproof guarantee. As you are 33 and she is 42 you were not youngsters who do not yet grasp the tie between cause and effect or long term consequences. And sorry nature has dictated that once a woman carries a foetus she alone can choose not to keep carrying it or vice versa. There is the other option of you know, actually sticking around and making this relationship work. If she was good enough to screw why isn't she good enough to stay with? You are not a boy any longer. You are a man trying to remain a boy by having sex with women you 'have feelings for' translation: 'like a lot' but are not in love with enough to give full commitment to.

Swipe left for the next trending thread