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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Pregnant girlfriend wants to keep baby, i dont

237 replies

Evanbaby · 04/06/2016 12:03

Hi, I've had a sort of relationship with a 42y girl for 8 months, she accidentally got pregnant recently and wants to keep, it despite the fact that I don't.

She has 4 children already from two men and as much as I liked her I never intended to have a family with her. She has always known I don't want a child right now.

I'm devastated because this isn't how and want to experience to my first child and a family, and I know that we'll never be together anyway after that. If I have a child, I want to be a present father all the time, be in a proper relationship and be settled with the girl.

If she goes ahead I can still try but eventually I will be with another girl and start a family then, the child will never be fully part of my family. I'm heart broken to think that I'll never be a dad to this kid the way I would like to be and also I feel the joy of it all is being stolen from me, instead it's a painful experience, not a joy. And the child will never have a dad the way I would like my child to have.

Her reason to want to keep it is to not have the guilt of abortion, which I understand completely, but also her daughter had an abortion recently and they've moved on, so I'm not convinced it's just the only reason.

I feel even worse knowing that she can still go ahead when she knows it breaks my heart and has a family already.
It nearly seems selfish of her but also know how hard the termination is, I just can't do it myself for us.

I'm lost and thought I'd log here to talk to people with experience.

Many thanks in advance

OP posts:
coolaschmoola · 04/06/2016 15:45

*there

Lweji · 04/06/2016 15:45

She was on the pill btw.

Lesson for the future. Take care of your own contraception and look up failure rates.

if the man doesn't want it, how is that different than forcing a woman to have one she doesn't want? Suddenly it's fine if it's a guy because it's the woman's body?
Yes, exactly that. Men don't have to carry children, nor have them removed from their bodies.

You CAN walk out on your child, as women can to. What you can't do is decide if a woman goes ahead with a pregnancy or not. It may not seem fair, but then when you want children you won't have to carry them or give birth to them.

Xmasbaby11 · 04/06/2016 15:46

She's a woman not a girl and it's her choice.

NeedACleverNN · 04/06/2016 15:53

Just remember this OP next time you want to have sex and you DONT want children

If you want to dip your wick, make sure you wrap your dick

expatinscotland · 04/06/2016 15:55

'And I agree with her being able to choose, and I agree that they should never be forced, but if the man doesn't want it, how is that different than forcing a woman to have one she doesn't want? Suddenly it's fine if it's a guy because it's the woman's body?

Off course it's her body, but it's also my life and the life of a child a stake, taking this decision for the other person isn't right in my view.
I would never do it if the other didn't want it, and especially if I know it will hurt them.'

You're only moral when it suits you. The difference is that the woman's body has to undergo a medical procedure. So it doesn't matter what your view is, no one can or should be forced to have a medical procedure on his or her body that he or she does not want.

You have no idea if you'd ever have a medical procedure you did not want because your partner wanted you to, so stop with the old, 'If it were me I would . . . '

And your ideal little family, this guarantee you'll get more children with someone else, what you need to realise is that a lot of younger, childfree women won't touch a man who has a kid with a ten-foot barge pole (I sure as hell wouldn't, and tell my daughter to avoid at all costs, too). So you might well be having more children with a woman who already has children.

Chippednailvarnishing · 04/06/2016 15:58

I won't make my life with this woman. So even if I do my best for this child, eventually I'll have others with someone else

You hope .

fakenamefornow · 04/06/2016 16:04

Don't worry op, assuming you're in the UK, men get to walk away scott free without a backward glance, it won't cost you a penny.

PacificDogwod · 04/06/2016 16:16

I would never do it if the other didn't want it, and especially if I know it will hurt them.

You have no idea how you might feel if you were pregnant.
Just like I or any of the other posters here have any idea exactly what your partner is feeling although some of us here have in the past been pregnant, planned or unplanned.

I have been reassured by MNHQ that your are genuine, so here goes: many things in life are not fair. It is not fair that you may be pushed in to fatherhood when you were not planning for it, equally it is not fair that your partner will have to put her body/resources/emotional wellbeing through pregnancy and birth - as it is HER body it is HER choice, like it or not.

Be the best father you can be - less conventional family set-ups are more and more common. You have contributed to the hand you have been dealt by not ensuring your own contraception and now have to deal with the consequences. In the kindest way possible you need to man up find a way to manage this situation in the best way you can bearing in mind that the resulting child has not had a choice in any of this.

WellErrr · 04/06/2016 16:21

I've had strong feelings for her and she had some for me too, although I knew she wouldn't be the one because she was this age with so many kids already.

Shock

So this old hag with too many kids by two different men was ok for you to shag, but not good enough to actually be with.
Despite you knowing she had feelings for you.

Lovely.

YoungGirlGrowingOld · 04/06/2016 16:24

I won't make my life with this woman. So even if I do my best for this child, eventually I'll have others with someone else

Form an orderly queue, ladies Hmm

Arfarfanarf · 04/06/2016 16:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YoungGirlGrowingOld · 04/06/2016 16:32

Exactly arf - if it's a 50/50 difference of opinion then the person in whose body the foetus is growing should get to decide.

OP - you have no idea what you would do in her position - you don't have a womb.

nuttymango · 04/06/2016 16:35

She's a woman not a girl. It's her body and her choice, not yours.

Br75 · 04/06/2016 16:38

I've had strong feelings for her and she had some for me too, although I knew she wouldn't be the one because she was this age with so many kids already.

Wtf arse you are a right catch my god no wordsAngry

Lweji · 04/06/2016 16:38

Imagine, OP, if this woman decided for you that you should have the snip, because she didn't want any more children.

CloneMeNow · 04/06/2016 16:45

And this perfect, ideal family you're going to have with this younger virgin previously childless woman?

Ummm - perhaps the two of you won't be able to conceive? Or perhaps your children will have serious disabilities. Or you or your partner will become ill or disabled or die. Perhaps your imaginary future partner will leave you and gain custody of your children (or leave them for you to bring up). Perhaps she will have demanding, querulous elderly parents who need to come and live with you both. Perhaps she'll have a sibling with a drug habit who steals from you. Perhaps one or both of you will lose your jobs.

What I'm saying in a roundabout way is this stopgap older woman you have mixed feelings about (at best), is not stealing your perfect future with her selfish refusal to abort the child growing inside her. Life is what happens, and your character is defined by how you respond to it. So far, it's not looking too good (your character, I mean), so you have a bit of a challenge ahead of you.

Stop thinking about what you want to have, and start thinking about what kind of person you want to show yourself to be.

gamerchick · 04/06/2016 16:47

man + condom every time you want sex = no babies.

Learn your lessons.

notamummy10 · 04/06/2016 16:50

Her body, her choice. If she wants to keep the baby then so be it. Maybe next time you should be more careful if you don't want a baby... (I know it takes two to tango and that contraception isn't 100% effective, but it's better to be safe than sorry).

NCVanish · 04/06/2016 16:50

Nice that you weren't planning a life with her as you would only settle down with someone untainted and having no children.

ApocalypseSlough · 04/06/2016 16:52

And this is why I tell my children, particularly my sons not to have sex unless they can envisage seeing them every weekend and every other Christmas for the next 18 years.

VocalDuck · 04/06/2016 16:53

Apart from everything that has already been said you really don't come across as mature enough to be a father, OP. Everything is you write about is all about you! This is your chance to grow up and change things. Just because you won't be living together does not mean you cannot see your child every day if you want to and it doesn't meant you cannot have a wonderful relationship with him/her.

0dfod · 04/06/2016 17:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoatyMcBoat · 04/06/2016 17:03

If you knew you didn't want a child with this woman, then why didn't you use a condom? This is a situation of your own making. You are going to have to make the best of it.

I expect you're going to split up with her, if not now then pretty soon (and as you never wanted a long term relationship with her, the sooner the better really). Then you can be a hands on but non-resident dad to the best of your ability.

Always carry condoms.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 04/06/2016 17:10

Clone - spanking post.

I hope the op's "lady friend" has some real life support while he hovers in the background pressurising in the hope of obtaining his get out of jail free card.

Op if you look up the laws on abortion you can see clearly the decision choices a woman can make:

A woman may decide to have an abortion due to her personal circumstances. But there are also medical reasons why an abortion may be necessary.
The Abortion Act 1967 states that provided a pregnancy has not exceeded its 24th week, an abortion may be carried out if:
• continuing with the pregnancy would involve a greater risk to the woman's life than ending the pregnancy
• continuing with the pregnancy would involve a greater risk of injury to the woman's physical or mental health than ending the pregnancy
• continuing with the pregnancy would involve a greater risk to the physical or mental health of any of the woman's existing children
• there is a significant risk that the baby would be born with a serious physical or mental disability

I can't see anywhere there the reason being because it's just too messy for the potential father to deal with alongside his envisioned perfect family life.

This isn't a silly mistake you can just easily erase. There are adult consequences to your actions.

Time to put your big boy pants on and GTFU.

LaBelleOtero · 04/06/2016 17:11

Quite frankly, if you didn't want children you should have been taking care of your own fertility. If I'd been dating a man who had four dc's by four mothers I'd have made damn sure I wasn't going to be the fifth.

But why jump to the worst case scenario in saying that you won't be a good father? You could be if you wanted to. You're already skipping years ahead to the feelings of guilt for not being there. How about - radical proposition - you be a good and present father to your child? You can't make her abort if she doesn't want to, so now you act like a mature person and make the best of the situation.

And by the way, many women would want nothing to do with an absent deadbeat father, I certainly wouldn't want to procreate with someone who just cast a kid off like an old pair of socks.

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