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Pregnancy

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Original poster

Termination advice please...

173 replies

clothears · 04/01/2007 12:11

Hi, this is a fairly nervous entry. I found out I was pregnant before christmas and because it is an accident and the relationship is extremely new I have been trying to convince myself to have a termination. But im really sturggling with the decision. It would mean having 2 children with 2 different fathers and Im currently a single mum and DD father is not interested. Im scared because I want it and scared because I dont. Is there anyone out there willing to give me hardcore advice??

Please??

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 04/01/2007 12:12

Hopefully someone will come along who can direct you to where you can get the professional help you really need to come to a decision.

Bumping this.

Aviatrix · 04/01/2007 12:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
clothears · 04/01/2007 12:18

He wants to have the baby but totally accepts that this should not have happened so early on. (We were careful and used precautions). I am not sure I even want to be with him long term, how on earth would I know so early on, we have only been together since October. He is being very supportive but its me thats having personal indecision now. By DD is not yet 2yr and I am unsure if I would manage alone and dont know if I want to commit to my partner at this stage. Gosh does any of this make sense....

OP posts:
paulaplumpbottom · 04/01/2007 12:33

I know that some people on here will disagree with me, but if you felt enough for this person to have sex with him, then you should be prepared to raise a child with him. Even if you used contraception. Its irresponsible to have a termination out of convience.

expatinscotland · 04/01/2007 12:34

Hmm, have you seen your GP, cloth?

You need someone to talk to professionally.

kittylette · 04/01/2007 12:34

i agree with Paula

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 04/01/2007 12:35

What do you mean by "hard core advice"?

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 04/01/2007 12:36

My GP had this to say about termination. He said that the people who cope with it the best are the ones who see it as a problem, not a baby. Those who view it as a baby struggle with their conscience afterwards. Which do you see it as?

lulumama · 04/01/2007 12:37

clothears...... i have no personal experience of this

i would say you need some impartial counselling before you decided either way, especially as you say you re trying to convince yourself to have a termination......

not sure the best place for that, maybe the family planning people can tell you?

if your contraception failed, then why should you feel forced to have the baby? if you were taking adequate steps to not have a baby?

only you know your circumstances and what you can cope with....hopefully someone will be along who knows where to direct you for some help and advice.x

expatinscotland · 04/01/2007 12:37

Perhaps you and your partner should both try to get someone professional to talk to.

Original poster
clothears · 04/01/2007 12:37

Hi Paulaplumpbottom, whilst I respect your point of view I disagree that having sex with someone means you should also be committed to raising a child with them. I like him and respect him but the reason we take precautions is because we are still finding out about one another and have no idea if we will work out as a couple. However, the precautions didnt work and I am now in this awful position. I want peoples opinions of course and I appreciate your time but harsh judgments like that are not very helpful.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 04/01/2007 12:39

Cloth
Are you close enough to your partner to have a full and frank discussion w/him about the long-term pros and cons of maintaining the pregnancy and the practicalities of it - childcare for your other child when you go into labour, custody, financial support, living arrangements, what may happen if you two split up, etc?

And try to get a list of pros and cons together?

PeckaRolloverAgain · 04/01/2007 12:39

Think that is very wise 'Dragon. I have had a termination and from the moment I found out I was pregnant I just knew I couldnt continue and felt overwhelming relief when it was all over.

Likewise with my 3 pregnancies I have KNOWN that it was right (altho less than ideal circumstances for first two. no 1. I was only 18. no. 2 I was with new man and had not long been with him)

If you have any doubts I would take things very slowly and seek out some counselling.

I personally feel now that you would never regret a child - its amazing just how much love you have for them that surely it would all turn out ok in the end?

Saturn74 · 04/01/2007 12:40

I don't think the OP is suggesting that a termination would be for the sake of convenience.
I think she is rightly concerned about many things, and she appears to be approaching the issue in a responsible way.
Life is rarely black and white, and this is such an emotive subject.
I think you should follow expat's advice in appealing for contact details of experienced and well-informed professionals, who can help you talk through this situation.
It must be a very difficult time for you all, and I hope you get lots of support.

Original poster
clothears · 04/01/2007 12:41

Hi doestnchristmasdargon.... I guess I see it as a baby primarily but I see the situation as a huge problem. This is my struggle I think. I shouldnt be in this position but I am - thats the problem. The way to fix the problem is to have a termination.... but im carrying a baby. Bit of a catch 22.
I am currently in therapy for other reasons and my session was cancelled this morning so she doesnt yet know Im pregnant. I will have to wait another week to speak to her. My termination consultation is on tuesday.
I feel utterly ashamed but can I have a baby purely cause Im ashamed. I was careful but I feel ashamed because Im not sure I want another child yet. Im very confused

OP posts:
lulumama · 04/01/2007 12:43

why are you ashamed? that you are pregnant accidentally or considering a termination? neither are things to be ashamed of IMO

i agree 100 % with Humphrey;s post too

paulaplumpbottom · 04/01/2007 12:43

I find it understandable that she doesn't want to raise a child with this man, if thats the case there are other options besides termination. OP I don't mean to sound harsh. I understand that you are in a bad situation and I feel for you.

kittylette · 04/01/2007 12:44

yes, but by having sex you KNOW that no contraception is 100% effective and so there is always a chance of that sexual act resulting in a baby,

so if you are not at all committed to that person longterm or you are unsure you would want a child with a person then you shouldnt have sex with them,

either that or you embark upon sex with a 'well if i get pregnant ill just get rid of it' attitude,

theres a baby in your tummy ffs... a baby

5

PeckaRolloverAgain · 04/01/2007 12:45

kittylette - how do you think you are helping here?

kittylette · 04/01/2007 12:45

dunno where that 5 came from

expatinscotland · 04/01/2007 12:45

And termination is as valid an option as having hte baby, IMO.

Do you have anyone in RL you can confide in, cloth?

Again, do you feel comfortable speaking about this to your partner?

PeckaRolloverAgain · 04/01/2007 12:45

If she had a "sod it get rid of it" attitude she wouldnt be on here posting in confused turmoil about what to do!

Original poster
clothears · 04/01/2007 12:47

Some really great advise here guys, thanks so much. Expat - We have indeed had that very frank discussion and the conclusion was that he was not in a position to support us, but he still wants the baby. He has no children of his own so he is not very baby aware - or the effect it has on finances and the changes that it makes to someones life. Lovely man but a little innocent I guess. Humphreycushion - thanks for your vocalised support. I have ALWAYS wanted children, tried for many many years to have a child without success. I fell pregnant with DD accidentally and it was an awful decision (as I had a nervous breakdown at the time) but I kept the pregnancy and my DD is amazing and Im glad of my decision. However, Im scared of what having another might do to me and my DD relationship, relationship with my family too as this is a 2nd accidental pregnancy.

OP posts:
Saturn74 · 04/01/2007 12:47

"either that or you embark upon sex with a 'well if i get pregnant ill just get rid of it' attitude."

I think that is an extremely unhelpful comment.

kittylette · 04/01/2007 12:47

im sorry it may not be very helpful to the poster, but its my opinion, and when you post on a public forum thats what you get, different opinions and perspective,

i dont mean to offend, its just something i feel strongly about