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Original poster

Termination advice please...

173 replies

clothears · 04/01/2007 12:11

Hi, this is a fairly nervous entry. I found out I was pregnant before christmas and because it is an accident and the relationship is extremely new I have been trying to convince myself to have a termination. But im really sturggling with the decision. It would mean having 2 children with 2 different fathers and Im currently a single mum and DD father is not interested. Im scared because I want it and scared because I dont. Is there anyone out there willing to give me hardcore advice??

Please??

OP posts:
batters · 04/01/2007 12:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 04/01/2007 12:49

These are normal fears, clothears, even in a partnership where the second child was planned.

So there is nothing to be ashamed of here!

But my feeling is that you realise you will likely be parenting this child on your own, too, after discussing things w/your partner.

Also, you must consider how the termination will affect your relationship w/your daughter and w/yourself.

Piffle · 04/01/2007 12:49

It is firmly between you and your new partner. would he support yuor chice either way. this way you can make your decision without being under pressure
Having a baby with a new partner can be very tough. I broke up with my partner after I got pregnant after a few weeks together. I was single working and decided to have ds as I had no good reason not to and I actually wanted to have the baby, alone or with my new partner. Turned out pretty fast we were not suited, but he has made an excellent father.
So you need to ascertain whether if you split and you had the child, how would your new P feel and would he still be there for his child.
Don't listen to those who hold personal views about termination, unhelpful IMO
Do what is right for you, your dd and your future with or without this new fella
Be selfish, you are allowed to be.
Hugs btw not an easy choice

Original poster
clothears · 04/01/2007 12:49

Kittylette - I understand your point of you and that is why I am ashamed. I know I have a baby in my tummy but I also feel unsure if I can cope. Adoption would never be an option for me because I couldnt cope knowing someone else had my child.

OP posts:
PeckaRolloverAgain · 04/01/2007 12:50

Dont be worried about the relationship with your DD. I AGONISED about this. Thinking how could I ever love another child like DD, how would DD feel, would I have time for them both, would DD feel pushed out etc.

All of my fears were unfounded. DD is so happy being a big sister, yes, her little bro annoys the hell out of her a lot but they have a lovely relationship.

How old is your DD?

Dont make this decision based on how you think your family may react. This has to be decided purely on how you feel.

lulumama · 04/01/2007 12:51

thank you batters...

Clothears......you have coped with one unplanned pregnancy and are now in the same situation..do you think , with the right help, you could go on to have the baby..or do you , bearing in mind the other issues you are working on in therapy...think that having another baby now is a step too far?

kittylette · 04/01/2007 12:51

right im not going to post my opinon any more, as its obviously not helpful to the OPer, but i think it is a valid opinion (but i dont think this is the time or place for it)

she needs solid advice, its her descision,

i think im too biased for this thread so ill leave you to it so you can help her come to a conclusion thats right for her,

good luck clothears xxx

expatinscotland · 04/01/2007 12:51

Clothy
Piffle speaks the truth. You must do what is right for YOU and how you will feel both if you have the termination and if you decide to go through w/it.

foxinsocks · 04/01/2007 12:52

how lovely that you've been able to discuss this with your dp - he may be innocent but at least he's being supportive .

I think you need to consider whether you could live with yourself after a termination. I too had 2 accidental pregnancies (one much more so than the other!) and it did make me feel very ashamed and in a way, ignorant, even though I know I did nothing wrong in ending up that way!

Try not to let the guilt of falling pregnant cloud decisions about the future. Can understand the feelings about whether you can commit to your dp or not but could you just take things a day at a time?

bambi06 · 04/01/2007 12:53

i had a termination when i was younger and was so relievedonce it was over and could get on with my life..i just knew it wasnt the right time for me and yet when i had my two dc i was over the moon as i knew this was right for me..please go with your gut feelings here and go with it..it will be the right decision ..dont do something because you think you SHOULD .. step back from the situation and think how you would deal with this if it was your best friend asking your advice...what are the pro and cons of this situation? put them on paper and look at them in black and white...for what its worth ive not long found out im accidently pregnant and already have two school aged children and didnt want anymore but now im pregnant after a lot of soul searching ive decide to keep it although dh wasnt to keen at first but he`s come round very quickly to the idea but we have the stability of our relationshop to help us through this ..is your partner going to be able to support up in reality?

clairemow · 04/01/2007 12:53

Oh Clothears, what a dilemma. I am worried for you as you say that you tried for ages to have children - as this is the case I wonder whether a termination is right for you, esp as you see this as a baby, not just a problem you need to solve. I definitely agree that you need to have some professional help, both of you, to make an informed decision.

I wonder how your relationship would fare if you had the termination and then felt dreadful about it?

Please go to your GP or local family planning clinic for some help from someone who's trained and can help you think everything through thoroughly.

Original poster
clothears · 04/01/2007 12:54

Thanks Batters, Expat and Piffle for tremendous support. I have always been Pro Choice but now that Im here I cant bare the decision. My partner has been amazing and is supportive which ever way I go. I cant see past a termination, i mean if I have a termination I have no idea how I will cope with that. SO then I think I should have the child but I dont know if im strong enough for that either. Not a position I EVER thought I would be in and I dont like it. Worse, I totally understand the personal opinions here, thats what makes it so hard.

OP posts:
kittylette · 04/01/2007 12:54

can i justask you maybe do concider adoption?

alot of families are sat waiting for babies to love, you say you cant stand the thought of someone else having your baby, but you can stand the thought of exterminating it?

surely that is a worse thing to have on your concsionce?

yorkshirelass79 · 04/01/2007 12:55

Message withdrawn

Emskilou · 04/01/2007 12:55

I was just about to type almost identically the same post as pecka, my dd is 2 yrs 2 months and my ds is 11 months, my ex h left me when I was 3 months pg with ds. THe prospect of doing it all alone terrified me, so much so I had a breakdown and was in therapy for a long time. I am now through the other side. It was a scarey time and can understnad your feelings/fears completely. You will have to be selfish in this and confident in your decsion whatever that may be. I had a termination when I was younger so I have a viewpoint from both sides. I send you hugs and wish you strength xx

expatinscotland · 04/01/2007 12:56

It is important to think about how you will feel and deal w/yourself after the termination, cloth.

For some posters on here, hopefully they will see this thread and be able to share, their termination has had a very profound impact on their future.

Not saying it doesn't impact anyone's future, but it does seem to vary.

I've never been in your situation and really hope you are finding support.

paulaplumpbottom · 04/01/2007 12:56

I'm sorry that seems odd to me, you would worry enough about a child that you couldn't put it up for adoption, but terminating it is ok with you?

expatinscotland · 04/01/2007 12:59

Look, until YOU have given up a child for adoption, is that really fair to come on here and criticise someone who says it's not for them?

yorkshirelass79 · 04/01/2007 12:59

Message withdrawn

expatinscotland · 04/01/2007 12:59

Sorry, clothears, that you have to deal w/people who tell you to give up your child for adoption when you've already stated it's not for you.

UCM · 04/01/2007 13:00

I am not a lone parent but have read threads on here and have friends who tell me just how hard it can be at times. You already know this as you have your DD.

You can't possibly know within such a short time of being with your partner if he is in it for the long term. You say you don't even know if you want to commit or not. For these reasons I personally would have a termination. I have done this because of the same reasons and have no regrets whatsoever, but that is me and as someone posted earlier, I saw it as a problem, not a baby.

Could you cope with the prospect of being a lone parent to 2 children if it all goes wrong.

I know that NO relationship is guaranteed to stand the test of time, but would at least want to feel some stability somewhere along the line first before making such a huge commitment. This is my opinion of course and I expect others will have differing ones.

I hope you reach a good decision for you really. XX

pgtipsmonkey · 04/01/2007 13:00

yes, its a bit like saying 'ive got this puppy but its too much trouble - but i cant stand the thought of anyone else having it, so instead of taking it to a rehoming centre ill throw it in a river to drown'

Saturn74 · 04/01/2007 13:01

no it isn't.

kittylette · 04/01/2007 13:02

have you any family that could help you out??

lulumama · 04/01/2007 13:02

having had children of my own, i am now so much more pro choice, than i was...seeing the impact first hand that children have on your life...there does need to be access to termination & SUPPORT before , during and after...