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Original poster

Termination advice please...

173 replies

clothears · 04/01/2007 12:11

Hi, this is a fairly nervous entry. I found out I was pregnant before christmas and because it is an accident and the relationship is extremely new I have been trying to convince myself to have a termination. But im really sturggling with the decision. It would mean having 2 children with 2 different fathers and Im currently a single mum and DD father is not interested. Im scared because I want it and scared because I dont. Is there anyone out there willing to give me hardcore advice??

Please??

OP posts:
motherinferior · 04/01/2007 13:03

No it bloody isn't. Not for her, not for me, not for lots of us.

I initially saw my first, unplanned, pregnancy as a bit of a problem. Then I decided to go through with it. But I would not have gone through with it to give the baby up for adoption, actually.

PeckaRolloverAgain · 04/01/2007 13:05

Cloth

If you would like some support offboard my email address is rebeccaroll at hotmail.com

Also the same addy for msn messenger.

Try and clear your mind, what is your GUT instinct. Honestly when I had my termination it was almost like it had a really repellant effect on me. I couldnt imagine it as a baby and it couldnt come out of me soon enough. I know that will upset some people but that is how I felt.

Whilst when I discovered I was pregnant with DD, DS and the baby I have recently lost although I was worried, concerned how I would cope, anxious for the future it was a baby and I didnt have that awful feeling that I just wanted to forget it had every happened.

What I am trying to say is that if you dont feel that way (and I dont think you do), if there is any hope in there for you to have the baby you shloud definitely find someone to talk this through with - I can imagine regretting a termination must be DREADFUL, life f*cking stuff.

yorkshirelass79 · 04/01/2007 13:05

Message withdrawn

lulumama · 04/01/2007 13:06

well said yorkshirelass...

hope clothears is still here...there are plenty of mnetters wanting to help

clairemow · 04/01/2007 13:06

it isn't like that puppy analogy at all. Clothears, you need IMPARTIAL advice and support from a professional who doesn't have strong personal opinions about this.

Xx

Saturn74 · 04/01/2007 13:07

Excellent post, Yorkshirelass.

kittylette · 04/01/2007 13:07

i didnt give any heavy handed comments, i asked if she would consider adoption and if she had any close family to help her out durin g her time of need,

Socci · 04/01/2007 13:07

Message withdrawn

feedmenow · 04/01/2007 13:08

Clothears, what an awful predicament you face. I feel that I am in a positin to be able to comment on this. A brief history on me.....one "surprise" DD aged 7 from previous longterm relationship. Pg with new partner when DD exactly 2yrs. Felt confident of relationship and went ahead with pg. Relationship not good (probably fell pg MUCH too soon!) but tried to maintain some form of relationship for new baby. Despite many ups and downs I fell pg again when DS was approx 5-6 mths. I was devastated to be in the position I found myself in (ie. 2 children, 2 fathers and pg again with father of 2nd child in very turbulant relationship). I had such a personal struggle deciding what to do....already had 2 wonderful children and knew a 3rd would also be wonderful, am the type of person that sees the wonder in new life, etc. However, I am also the type of person that sees termination as an option and not as a crime, and I also thought carefully about the effect another child would have on my DD & DS an, if I'm being honest, myself, as well as the relationship" I was in, etc. My final decision was to have a termination, which I did. It wasn't easy by any stretch of the imagination and it is something that 5 years on I still think about a lot. To top it all off, I am now pg again with same dp (we obviously spent alot of time working on things)with a very much planned pg. This in itself opens up a can of worms, butthats not what I'm posting about now.
I think what I'm saying is that termination is never nice, but it IS an option. And from the things you have described (2 fathers, current person being keen but admits inability to support, questions about the long term prospects of the relationship, etc)that it is something you need to seriously consider. Do not let anyone elses opinion on the rights and wrongs of termination effect you...what are YOUR opinions of termination?
I know that this is a big long post and that I've gone on about myself a bit, but I feel so strongly for anyone in this sort of position because I HAVE been there myself and I know how hard it is. It makes it even harder that you are in such an emotionsl frame of mind due to the changes going on inside you and that you probably don't feel quite in the right frame of mind to have to deal with something so big.
I really hope you come to a decision that is truly your own, and that you know deep in your heart-of-hearts is the best decision for you and your DD and your partner. Good luck. xx

kittylette · 04/01/2007 13:09

well my relationship and attitude must be idealistic because i wouldnt sleep with someone unless i was in love and committed to them,

its not idealistic its called having values and respect for yourself

kittylette · 04/01/2007 13:11

sorry im answering these question in relation to my self, not to clothears,

her buisness is her own, im not having a go at her

willow2 · 04/01/2007 13:12

Clothears, just want to say that I feel for you and hope you make the right decision for yourself. I do think it's important that you give yourself time to think things through - and not let your thoughts be coloured by others who may be working to a separate agenda. lso, feel free to change your mind. Just because you think you want a termination now doesn't mean that you will still feel the same on the day itself. If that does happen then go with your gut instinct. I should imagine there are a lot of people out there who, in hindsight, do regret having a termination - possibly more so than those who regret going ahead with an unplanned pregnancy?

Also wanted to add that the viewpoint that you should only have sex with someone with whom you would be prepared to raise a child is one of the most ludicrous things I've read on this website in six years of posting. And there was I, stupidly thinking that women had been emancipated. Clothears has come on here for advice, not a lecture about who she should sleep with, so if you can't post sensitively in response to the actual question (versus some Victorian moral crusade) then don't post at all.

UCM · 04/01/2007 13:14

On a lighter note, can I add that I got to know my DH by having sex first, worried about his political/religious affiliations much much later

PeckaRolloverAgain · 04/01/2007 13:15

Hate to lower the tone but going by kittylittes theory I could have fallen in love with my boyfriend number 3 before having any idea that he actually had a 1 inch penis and what a life that would have ended up! At least I found out on the third date ;)

Sorry, dont want to joke on your thread clothears, just wanted to make light of a ridiculous comment.

We are all behind you xxxxx

Socci · 04/01/2007 13:16

Message withdrawn

UCM · 04/01/2007 13:16

Sorry, I should have added that I am behind you too, clothears and wasn't trying to lower tone either.

willow2 · 04/01/2007 13:16

UCM: Ditto - a long time ago I fancied the arse off this bloke. Didn't mean I was in love with him or that I wanted to have his kids - nope, I just wanted to snog him and jump his bones. All that serious stuff happened later. It's our 15th wedding anniversary in two weeks time.

yorkshirelass79 · 04/01/2007 13:17

Message withdrawn

kittylette · 04/01/2007 13:17

no you may not but thats fine, because values are what you believe - not anyone else,

i cant dictate what your values should be,

but to me, they are just that, i couldnt sleep with someone if i didnt love them,

kittylette · 04/01/2007 13:19

love can turn into sex,

or sex can turn into love,

or sex can just be sex,

but i just prefer my way to be the fist way, which is surely ok for me??

kittylette · 04/01/2007 13:19

first even

lulumama · 04/01/2007 13:20

So why, kittylette, are you dismissing clothears values..to preserve the relationship with her DD, to make the right choice, for herself and daughter...and to be able to get some help..? this is not helping..

i hope clothears has not been scared off.

Saturn74 · 04/01/2007 13:20

I'm hoping the OP is still around.

UCM · 04/01/2007 13:20

Kitty, that would make an interesting thread on it's own really.

kittylette · 04/01/2007 13:20

this thread has gone right off track

the bottomline is clothears needs to go for independant councilling to make a descision which is best for her and her family and i wish her luck with it

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