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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Termination advice please...

173 replies

clothears · 04/01/2007 12:11

Hi, this is a fairly nervous entry. I found out I was pregnant before christmas and because it is an accident and the relationship is extremely new I have been trying to convince myself to have a termination. But im really sturggling with the decision. It would mean having 2 children with 2 different fathers and Im currently a single mum and DD father is not interested. Im scared because I want it and scared because I dont. Is there anyone out there willing to give me hardcore advice??

Please??

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clairemow · 04/01/2007 14:02

FWIW, I had my second child when DS1 was 2.3, and it has been nowhere near as awful as I thought it would be! DS1 talks about his little brother a lot, and constantly wants to kiss him (I've had to teach him to wipe the snot off his nose first though...).

But I totally see your worries concerning your previous breakdown, and think you really do need to discuss all of this through for reassurance and to make your decision.

You said your family is very supportive? Can you talk to your mum? Is it likely that you will be able to have regular help wiht both children should you decide to keep the baby?

oliveoil · 04/01/2007 14:02

IMO if I was in any doubt, I would not have a termination.

I feel it would haunt me forever. I don't have strong feelings either way, but for me, I think I would be forever thinking "what if?".

If I fell pregnant now it would be a disaster, financially, emotionally etc etc, but I don't think I could have an abortion.

Good luck in your decision.

xx

Blu · 04/01/2007 14:04

My message below was x-posted with yours...i am such a slow typist, and have to take phonecalls in between.

Quootiepie · 04/01/2007 14:04

I was hoping my termination was going to just plant me back at pre-pregnancy, but, I dont mean to sound harsh, but shes right. It doesnt. My whole life now is split into pre-abortion and post- abortion. BUT that is just me... Some people cope fine xXx

hunkermunker · 04/01/2007 14:04

OO, that's how I feel too - exactly that. It's the shadow of "what if?" that would haunt me forever.

Clothears, Blu and Aviatrix have just made two of the wisest posts I've seen on here in a very long time.

clothears · 04/01/2007 14:07

Thanks to all for your comments about the different father issue to. Hunkermunker thanks for sharing your story. I think it would work out but im just so scared.
I have had lots of support til now but for varying reasons this would stop if I had another. Basically mum couldnt cope (she is disabled) and my sister is too overwhelmed with more than one. So I would be much more isolated than I am now,

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Quootiepie · 04/01/2007 14:07

Where are you Clothears? Sorry if you've said. xxx

clothears · 04/01/2007 14:13

I live in weston super mare (near bristol)

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mybusiness · 04/01/2007 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blu · 04/01/2007 14:15

You have a lot on your plate, Clothears.

From another angle, if a fairy whooshed in and said 'The decision is out of your hands, you must have the termination' would you feel a bit relieved? That you could have the termination without having to make the decision?

OR if the fairy said 'instant law has been passed: termination is banned, your appointment has been cancelled, you'll be having a baby in 8 months' how would you feel?

clairemow · 04/01/2007 14:18

Clothears, I don't know if they can help you, but there is a Marie Stopes centre in Bristol - if you're worried about confidentiality etc. with your GP, you could try them and see if they have support and counsellors you could speak to.

Marie Stopes Bristol Centre
3 Great George St
Bristol, BS1 5RR

0845 300 8090
mariestopes.org.uk

Quootiepie · 04/01/2007 14:18

Maybe a mumsnetter lives near to support you?

twoplusone · 04/01/2007 14:18

Just want to say, sorry you are in this situation, and good luck in whatever you decide...
remember your choice will be right for you..

lulumama · 04/01/2007 14:19

agree twoplusone...you;ve had some great advice here and there will always be support here for you x

clothears · 04/01/2007 14:20

Blu - a brilliant post - genius actually. I would feel sad in the first instance (though not sad if I miscarried as that would be nature taking its course) and I would be happy in the 2nd instance but mainly because I could say to my family - there its the law, i cant change it and actually Im bloodywell gonna do this and be damn good at it. What a good post Blu. x

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 04/01/2007 14:21

Your support won't stop, it will change. There's no reason why both children have to be looked after in the same place, for instance. Things that seem insurmountable now will be straightforward after you've done them for a bit.

clothears · 04/01/2007 14:21

ah thanks Clairemow x

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clothears · 04/01/2007 14:27

Thats a good point hunkermunker. I do struggle with thinking outside of the box.

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clothears · 04/01/2007 14:27

Thats a good point hunkermunker. I do struggle with thinking outside of the box.

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missnatalie · 04/01/2007 14:38

Clothears, the only advice that i can give is do what your heart tells you. DO NOT feel guilty because of other peoples opinions. Its your life and your body. Do whats right for you. I had a termination at 16. My mum begged me not to but i knew in my heart that i didnt want to have a baby and i did what was right for me.

Hope everything works out for you, which ever way you decide xxx

Gingerbear · 04/01/2007 14:51

Clothears, I want to add mine and my sister's story to see if can help at all.

I had an abortion when I was 18. At the time I felt much like Blu about it, to me it was something that was stopping me doing what I wanted to do with my life at the time (about to start university). I never felt like it was a baby at all. Fast forward 20 years and I became PG with DD. Having previously barely thought about the abortion for 20 years, I was faced with overwhelming emotion about what I had done all those years ago. I knew that it was the right thing to do at the time and that this time around the baby was much loved and wanted, but there I was, imagining what might have been. I am pregnant again now, and it has been a struggle for DH and I to conceive. I think of how different things were when I was 18.
I spent my 20's trying not to get pregnant, and my 30's trying desparately TO be pregnant!

My sister has 2 daughters each with a different father. She split up with DD1's father when her DD1 was 18mths old. She became pregnant with DD2 a few months after meeting her dad. My sister initially wanted an abortion, but she couldn't go through with it. Having been PG once before and now had DD her thoughts had changed on abortion. She went ahead with the pregnancy and married her partner. However, DD2 was not an easy baby like DD1 had been, sis had PND, was living far from family and had little support from her new in-laws. The marriage eventually broke down and she moved to be closer to her family. She even moved back to mum and dad's for a while with the two babies, which was a terrible time for her and my parents. Her life was hard as a single mum, even with family being there for her. But now the girls are 14 and 11, she is about to get married (for the 3rd time!).
She does not regret having kept the baby (DD2) and cannot imagine what life would have been without 2 girls. BUT - she split with DD2's dad - in spite of him saying he wanted to marry her and have the baby, he was not right for sis, mourned his single life and was not ready for fatherhood.
ALSO, sis had 6 months of hell with little or no support, PND and a new baby, until she finally split with him and moved back where her family were.

I am not saying that these terrible things will apply to your situation, but you need to consider everything - support from family, your new partner, how you will cope with two small children - before you make that decision.

Expat has given you fantastic advice, please, please see a councillor about this, and make a list of the things you need to think about.

I am pro-choice on abortion, but for me, personally, right now, I could never consider a termination, even though I had one all those years ago.
I have probably not helped much.

Good luck in whatever you decide. It is the hardest decision a woman ever has to make.

clothears · 04/01/2007 14:55

Thanks Gingerbear - food for thoought indeed. Your post is much appreciated. x

OP posts:
oliveoil · 04/01/2007 14:58

I have to go and do some work now but my feeling is that you are leaning more towards continuing with the pg from your reply to Blu, re being happy if you were told you had to have the baby.

Blu · 04/01/2007 15:05

"actually Im bloodywell gonna do this and be damn good at it."
I think your decision is made Clothears

oxocube · 04/01/2007 15:07

Clothears, just wanted to confirm what others have said that not everyone who has an abortion is filled with regret and horror afterwards. I have had a termination and still feel that although it was a difficult decision and a very sad time in my life (for lots of reasons), it was the right decision for me.

I wish you luck with your decision. I must say I am horrified by some of the opinions I have read here eg that you should only ever have sex with someone if you are prepared to make a child with them. I thought we had moved on

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