Termination advice please...

[clothears]

Hi, this is a fairly nervous entry. I found out I was pregnant before christmas and because it is an accident and the relationship is extremely new I have been trying to convince myself to have a termination. But im really sturggling with the decision. It would mean having 2 children with 2 different fathers and Im currently a single mum and DD father is not interested. Im scared because I want it and scared because I dont. Is there anyone out there willing to give me hardcore advice??

Please??

clothears, my personal thoughts echo mybusiness. But I want to wish you strength for your decision and all the luck in the world x

Cloth
I'm just glad you found some support here.

He wants to have it and you're not sure, then have it. I don't know many people who regret having a child. Also you then make sure there's not too big an age gap with your other child even if different fathers, and also you may never get pregnant again and there's never a right time to have a baby anyway. Remember if you have it and don't want it there are so so many couples would would love to adopt it anyway so that is also an option.

Blu, you are a National Treasure .

hello clothears, I have been reading this thread with interest. I would like to wish you well in whatever you decide to do and reassure you that you will be Ok whatever you decide to do. I am sure underneath all the uncertainty and worry you know deep down what you want to do. Life will continue and you will be happy again.

I speak from experience btw, I had a termination when I was a student, it wasn't a nice situation to be in and certainly wasn't helped by the strong views of others. Unless you have been in this situation you can never truly know what it is like.
I wish you all the best. x

Clothears - never been in this situation, so can't really add to the excellent advice given by expat, blu and many others.

Do you have a sympathetic hv or mw that you could talk to, to explain your concern re:PND/second child? If you are in/near a Surestart area then they sometimes have creches if you want to do academic/gym classes run by them, which may help you at least get some time to youself.

Best wishes whatever you decide.

Clothears - I had a termination 2 years ago and it was a very difficult decision. Like you, I felt that the situation I was in was not one best served to raising a child.

There have been lots of opinions thrown at you on this (and other) threads, and I just wanted to wish you the very best in whatever decision you choose. I believe that I instinctively knew what was the right descison for me, and you must consider all the options open to you. Have a full and frank talk with your dp as well as anyone else you trust to give you good, impartial advice. Take your time to make sure it's 100% right for you (I cancelled 2 appointments before I finally had my termination) and (hard I know) don't beat yourself up after the event if you do decide to go ahead with the termination. Likewise, if you go ahead with the pregnancy, don't look back.

Thinking of you.

firstly apologies for the name change.

I had a termination several years ago. I knew instantly that it was the right thing to do and i've never had any regrets. The only time I think I may have done is if I had not gone on to have any future children which thankfully I have and whom I adore.

I always wanted children from a very young age but the pregnancy was a mistake and I know it was the right choice for me. It was the result of a brief fling with someone I barely knew . I was young and silly i'm ashamed to say.

You on the other hand, reading your posts, imvho I think you should seriously consider having the child as I really think you may live to regret it and that would be terrible. I'm sure as others have said, once he/she is born you will make a lovely little family. Your dp sounds like a lovely man and will no doubt be there for you all emotionally if not financially. We don't live in a perfect world unfortunately and I can appreciate your feelings of 2 children by 2 fathers but there are thousands or others in the same situation and it's nothing to be ashamed of. Best of luck whatever you decide.

' Perhaps the best piece of 'hard core' advice I can offer is don't make the mistake of thinking that an abortion will put you back to the point you were at before you got pregnant. It won't - that place no longer exists.'

I agree with this. I was pg and single aged 18 with no money and other severe issues etc and spent 2 weeks in agony over what to do. i did keep the baby and it was the right choice for me; but I wouldn't judge anyone for opting to abort as I know how hard it was. For me, other than dire situations, I wouldn't abort as i feel uneasy with it and would suffer guilt but others wouldn't.

I ended up a few years later having a TOP due to the baby having a fatal chromosome disorder and I thought TOP would be the end of the 'nightmare' and fear but it wasn't, it was the beginning of pain and guilt for a long time. (Appreciate situation is a little different)You still feel responsible.

I have freinds with 2/3 dif dads to their kids and it's no big deal these days.

My current pg was unplanned and #5 and there are health risks involved amongst other stuff but after going for scans etc I am so happy now about being pg. If you have any doubts at all, don't abort. Also think about hard questions like If this was your only chance to have another baby would you take it? (even though situation is not ideal)

All the best with making your decision xxx

Clothears
Thoughts are with you tonight.

Hope you are doing okay.

Clothears, this is always a difficult choice if you are in this position, however you got there.

I have had a termination at the age of 20 and was in a very similar position to you. I had a stupid one night stand and then got together with a guy that I started to date. I found out I was pregnant and had no idea what to do. I had only been with this new guy a month and being honest at the start didn't know whose it was - his or the one night stand. I told my new man everything and he was fantastic about the whole thing. I felt like you did - did I know him enough to want to connect myself to him for the rest of his life. Sex at the beginning of a relationship is not about commitment and I didn't think I was starting a family I thought I was just enjoying myself (I was on the pill at the time). As it turned out it wasn't his and I made the decision to terminate. I will never regret that decision only the fact that I placed myself in it. Me and the guy that stood by me throught that (even though it was not his responsibility) are still together and have a son of our own. Having that child at that point would have been destructive all ways round and I knew that I was in a bad place at that point and not able to give a child what they needed. I think you need to have a serious conversation with your man and make sure he fully understands all the implications/options then you need to fully weigh everything up and try and decide what it is you truly want. Its not about convenience, ultimately you need to decide what you will be bringing that child into. To be honest you sound like you've made your mind up from the tone of your op.
Whatever you decide, I hope it all works out. Termination is not an easy or convenient option but you can get through it.

CLOTHEARS

I Think if you are having doubts about termination, then that is a strong reason to keep the baby. If you had no doubts you wouldn't have asked for help. I believe you have worries about the future and how you will look after two, etc but these are worries and every potential mum has those. Normally they arn't even as bad as we think.

One question for you, did you ever think about having more children? Or do you think you would want more later?

because if you did perhaps you could just accept this one you have early.

I am also 8 weeks preg and probably completely biased, But i would like to help you if I can and I'm sure others will too. I'm on the due in Aug thread and emotionally and even financially (although I'm not rich sorry) but if you need anything at all I'd like to help.

More than anything I hope you make a decision that is best for you and dd. Don't feel forced to stay with partner though, but perhaps he will be helpful and very involved even if apart from you.

GOOD LUCK with your decision and good on you for starting this thread to get advice, you are braver and stronger than you think

I hope you can make a decision soon. I only have time for a quick scan of the replies, but I think it hasn't been pointed out that time is pressing on; the later you decide, the harder things might be if you do end up terminating.

A termination before 9 weeks pregnant is usually just chemical (you only have to pop a pill or 2), and the experience is rather like having an early miscarriage. After 9 weeks it's increasingly likely that the termination procuedure will be invasive, that it won't be complete so might require further interventions, and the whole thing is much more awful to endure.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

I cannot tell you how very helpful this thread has been to me. I am still undecided. My first reaction (possibly my gut reaction) is to terminate for the reasons already stated. However, I love being a mummy, have always wanted to be a mummy and therefore I cannot help but think it would all work out somehow. But then as Ive said before this is a huge risk to my mental health. I will let you all know what I decide. Flak - time is pressing on but because of my mental health I require a general and therefore will have to have the termination at 9 weeks when as you says its an invasive surgical procedure.
Growing up and through my 20's i was so very very desperate for a child and never conceived! Then I had a miscarriage and then I got pg with my DD, I felt emotionally I must keep this child - I would never forgive myself. Im glad I made that decision. however, I questioned it everyday until she was about 3 weeks old. My family were so scared that I would give her up. It was because I was so sick, SICK yuk yuk sick throughout much of the pregnancy and I just could not cope (this was ontop of giving up a series of serious prescribed drugs and getting through a nervous breakdown). I swore I would never have more children, EVER. Now that I am pregnant I am thinking differently. Not because I want this baby but because I am coping with the sickness this time round. Maybe I can do it again, maybe not now but another time.
I really appreciate all of your support, thanks Expat for all of your comments and everyone else for some diamond advice. And thank to everyone for sharing your stories, this has helped tremedously too.

Clothears
Just to let you know, I, too, struggled with - and still do - mental health issues following both my pregnancies and during my second.

And am not alone in that on this board.

There IS help there, trust me on this! I wouldn't have believed it myself, but it's true.

My midwives and GP were aware of my condition and I am still under a consultant's care, but things are improving - woohoo, have an appointment on Tuesday .

Check out the Feeling Depressed boards, they're a real lifeline of support and empathy, too.

Go w/your gut, clothears, it knows the right place.

But good luck to you in what you decide.

FWIW clothears I had a termination under GA and it was fine physically.
So long as it is your clear choice and you are sure it is what you want you should be able to live with which ever option you choose
Good luck xx

Clothears
You have already had some fantastic advice, and I have never been in your position so won't add to that. But just wanted to let you know my thoughts on the dad thing. My bro and sis have a different dad to me, and I have NEVER considered them anything other than full brother and sister. I have never described them as my half bro or sis. My mum was so strong, and had such an impact on us that physically and socially you would never think we were only half related. It has never caused me a moment's worry that they had a different dad, even though for a long time their dad was living with us. I was so young, like your DD that it was just simply my life and that's how it was.
I think you said DD's dad isn't interested, well, having a new bro or sis may plug that gap in her life a little, giving her a bigger family. Not trying to pressure you or anything, it's your choice, but don't worry about the dad thing. You're enough for the both of them. Good luck xxx

Hi clothears. I had a termination of a pregnancy due to health reasons (I have a chronic health problem). It is not a pleasant proceedure however you have it done (tablets, suction or d&c under aneasthetic) but sometimes it is the right thing to do. I do not know what would have happened if my dh and I had continued with that pregnancy....perhaps I would have miscarried anyway (I was bleeding heavily) but I know that I now have a wonderful ds and I do not regret it. However, I do sometimes think about it. I wonder whether it was a boy or girl, would it have looked like my son, would it have been healthy? I felt very angry at the time as I felt I was being left no other choice because of my health. Termination is not the "easy option" some people seem to think and for most women who have one I think a sense of loss always stays with them. If it is the right decision for you and your family that is all that should concern you. Good luck.

Wishing you all the best Clothears {{hugs}} xXx