Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Termination advice please...

173 replies

clothears · 04/01/2007 12:11

Hi, this is a fairly nervous entry. I found out I was pregnant before christmas and because it is an accident and the relationship is extremely new I have been trying to convince myself to have a termination. But im really sturggling with the decision. It would mean having 2 children with 2 different fathers and Im currently a single mum and DD father is not interested. Im scared because I want it and scared because I dont. Is there anyone out there willing to give me hardcore advice??

Please??

OP posts:
Socci · 04/01/2007 13:21

Message withdrawn

kittylette · 04/01/2007 13:22

because lulumama that desision involves killing a baby - and how can that be a value?

i didnt want to answer that really cause its bringing up my strong opinion again (aplogies)

kittylette · 04/01/2007 13:24

lulu mamma/ others if you want to continue the debate should you start a new thread as its not helping the OP, as interesting discussion as it is.

lazyemma · 04/01/2007 13:25

no, not killing a baby, kittylette - aborting a foetus. You are entitled to your strong opinions but it's not right to air them on this thread.

kittylette · 04/01/2007 13:25

sorry, should we start a new thread

kittylette · 04/01/2007 13:25

a feotus is a baby

Original poster
clothears · 04/01/2007 13:26

Kittylette - seriously your not helping. Feedmenow - I really appreciate you sharing your story. I feel much the same as you and thats why Im confused. Wish we had the ability to see into the future! Yorkshirelass - thanks for your support.

OP posts:
UCM · 04/01/2007 13:28

Well done you, Clothears for coming back. Someone asked a good question earlier about how you feel about terminations. Have you always maintained you wouldn't or are you okay with things like this?

piglit · 04/01/2007 13:30

Kittylette - you've made your point. Please stop harrassing the OP or leave the thread.

expatinscotland · 04/01/2007 13:31

So, some things to consider:
-Emotional support from your partner no matter what your decision, but if you decide to continue w/the pregnancy financial support from him isn't likely
-How YOU feel about both continuing the pregnancy AND termination.
-What your feelings on termination might be if you decide to have one and how you will deal w/these feelings.
-Practical issues should you decide to continue the pregnancy - childcare for your other child, custody/visitation w/your partner, etc.

Glad you came back!

You are brave and strong.

lazyemma · 04/01/2007 13:32

no, a foetus is a potential baby. That's not opinion - that's medical science, which is a great deal more helpful in these situations than pious moralising and woolly sentimentality.

kittylette · 04/01/2007 13:32

harrassing the OP, she hasnt posted since the beginning of the thread i was having a discussion with lulumama

and if you read the thread i said 'non of this is directed at clothears'

Blu · 04/01/2007 13:33

Clothears, so sorry you are in such a difficult poition. My heart goes out to you.
You sound very very thoughtful and sorted, actually. I can see that there are so many unknowns, it sounds as if your relationship is promising, and he sounds like a kind and reasonable man.
If your instinct (rather than any issues of 'shame' over getting pregnant and it not being the right time) is to go ahead with the pregnancy, then perhaps it would, first of all, be good to start concentrating on how it could be made possible? Talk through the options and contingencies with your partner...how would it be if your relationship does progress well, how would he feel, realistically, about supporting you and having involvement as a dad if your relationship flounders?

IMO it isn't your 'fault' you are pregnant, and you don't need to feel any sense of shame or obligation in your response to a situation which you didn't plan - and indeed, took steps to avoid.

I wish you the best with whatever course you decide on.

Original poster
clothears · 04/01/2007 13:34

My DD is 2 in 6 weeks, and I need to consider if I am able to manage a newborn and a toddler potentially on my own. I booked the termination as soon as I found out and am completely focused now on making the decision that is right for us (DD DP and me) either way. They have said that i can change my mind right up until the very last minute. I wish I didnt understand Kittylettes comments - but i do and thats what makes it so hard. Should I go ahead cause of the guilt and shame or should I terminate to preserve the relationship I have with mu daughter. When she was first born there was a very scary time in which I wasnt sure if I could cope but I knew I could not consider adoption- im glad I didnt, she saved my life and we have a lovely life together and we are very happy. Would I collapse under the pressure of another - oh crumbs

OP posts:
lazyemma · 04/01/2007 13:34

"and if you read the thread i said 'non of this is directed at clothears"

well, take it to another thread then, where she doesn't have to read it.

lulumama · 04/01/2007 13:36

erm..my question to kitty was rhetorical ........

yorkshirelass79 · 04/01/2007 13:37

Message withdrawn

kittylette · 04/01/2007 13:37

yes the feotus is a potential baby,

which means if not terminated it will become a fully grown living person,

its not a piece of meat, its a child,

im sorry its hard to swallow, but its the truth

and if you want to have a termination you have to accept that you will grieve, and when you will grieve it will be for a baby, not a growth or feotus,

im catholic, and this is how ive been raised

and i wont apologise, why should i apologise for fighting for a life?

you cant post about considering killing your unborn child and not expect people to be upset or have strong beliefs against it

im soooo sorry you are in this situation clothears, and i am even sorrier that all this has comeabout on a thread that you wanted support from, but when someone challenges my beliefs i cant just walk away, i have to voice them,

surely you knew when posting that eveyone wouldnt be so open to it?

lulumama · 04/01/2007 13:38

sorry if you have said this., but what will the support of family and friends be like ?

Saturn74 · 04/01/2007 13:39

clothears, re your comment "should I terminate to preserve the relationship I have with mu daughter", I wouldn't get too hung up on worries that your relationship with your daughter will deteriorate if you have another child. I think everyone worries about this with subsequent children, but it invariably ends up being fine.

kittylette · 04/01/2007 13:39

sorry yorkshire lass,x-d posts i posted my last thread before i saw the link

Original poster
clothears · 04/01/2007 13:39

Kittylette I asked for hardcore but I didnt ask for horror. Please stop posting such nasty vindinctive comments. I am doing the best I can in a situation I never planned on and took steps to avoid!
Expat - the termination debate. I have always been pro choice - always as I know people who have to face the same decision but now its me and because if my desire to be a mummy I now see it as a potential baby. Thats why its so hard. Blu - we have discussed some of these issues, he does not want to be a part time father because he wants to the ideal - 2 parents with children. He is being very considerate and supportive so Im really really lucky. I am more worried about how it will affect my mental health and therefore the potential collapse of my little family.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 04/01/2007 13:40

Well, clothy, what support do you have in place if you decide to continue hte pregnancy?

From your family, friends, HomeStart, etc?

I can go so far as to say the second time around wasn't so difficult, b/c that shock factor 'OMG, what the hell do I do w/this thing?!' wasn't there.

And believe it or not, a 2.5 year old can help. Many like to be included. They can fetch nappies, give cuddles, etc.

Blu's point about if your instinct is to continue, what do you need to do to make that possible is a vital one.

lulumama · 04/01/2007 13:42

clothears.. there is a 6 year gap between my children because of my struggles with depression after DS..so i know that this is a massive decision... i was so scared of getting pregnant when in the throes of depression..because i would have had to face the issues you are going through now. my heart goes out to you
my question to kitty was rhetorical, i apologise if it has contributed to making this upsetting for you .x

kittylette · 04/01/2007 13:42

clothears, can you please email me? i wish to aploogise i dont have cat,

[email protected]