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Original poster

Paternity test in pregnancy

190 replies

BookLover94 · 06/02/2016 21:07

Hi, my partner would like me to do a paternity test (baby is 100% his) but I'm happy to do it if it relaxes him.
I know they don't offer them on the NHS and from what I've researched, to have one done in pregnancy costs around £899!
Has anyone else had one done in pregnancy, if so, where did you go and what did you pay?
I'm 22 weeks with a little boy who is healthy despite a few complications with me :)

OP posts:
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passmethewineplease · 07/02/2016 01:00

Are you having the blood test option? Surely if you can have that one that's the better option due it not being risky for the baby?

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 07/02/2016 01:02

OP, it's your body, please talk to your midwife first about risks/support.

I'm assuming he has issues with the conception date? Is there a time frame when he thinks you could have hooked up and had sex with another man that is making him question you so much?

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 07/02/2016 01:06

Also does your partner prove to you HE hasn't been having sex with other women? With actual evidence? Or are you supposed to trust his word? Can you see how ridiculous this is?

wallywobbles · 07/02/2016 05:41

My exh wanted me to do this. Turns out it was him having the affair from the moment I got unexpectedly pregnant. All through our marriage and my second pregnancy in fact. However when he saw his DD he bonded immediately despite no test. He never asked for one with DD2 but never bonded with her at all.

Eminybob · 07/02/2016 06:37

Op do you realise that having a paternity test won't actually prove you haven't been cheating on him, it'll just prove that another man hasn't got you pregnant. You could have been shagging another man like rabbits while using a condom for all your partner knows. So I don't understand why you both feel that this test will make him less insecure?

Fwiw I was once deeply in love with a man who was "a bit insecure" early on in our relationship. Other than that he was sweet, kind caring and all the rest. Fast forward a couple of years and he ended up being emotionally and physically abusive, and actually ended up cheating on me. Just saying.

And this comment

I will be happy if the baby is born and survives, whenever that may be

If this is true, then if you really really must have this test done, for the love of god please please pay the extra and get the non-invasive one. This is not the sort of thing you want to scrimp on imo.

Cerseirys · 07/02/2016 07:01

I don't know how much research you've done but no needles enter the baby whatsoever.

Actually OP I don't know how much research YOU have done as you later talk of CVS, which also uses needles.

Couldashouldawoulda · 07/02/2016 07:04

Pandering to his worries won't work though. When this comes back negative it'll be a lie detector test, or reading all your texts and emails, or him knowing where you are at all times, or you never leaving the house.

^ This, I'm afraid. I've dated one of these. He's paranoid and mad, and this will not be the end of it, but then you know that already, because you live with his behaviour. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I hope you and your baby will be ok.

YakTriangle · 07/02/2016 07:20

I can't believe anyone would pander to their partner's delusions to the extent where they'd risk a much wanted baby. Why would it need to be done now, even if you had actually cheated, which you say you haven't? Why can't he wait until the baby is born and then if he still doesn't believe it's his, then get a test?
What if you did this, and then he decided that 99% isn't good enough, and concentrates on the 1% chance that he's not the father? He sounds mad enough to do it.

Lj8893 · 07/02/2016 07:20

This is either made up or you are just a bit thick and desperate. Do you even know what CVS is?!?

CallaLilli · 07/02/2016 07:23

Thank you DontCareHow and primary noodle :) Maybe there are some decent people on here after all :)

Oh do grow up OP. Does the 94 in your username refer to your year of birth? Because if you are for real, you come across as very immature.

I do understand the risks and of course I care about this baby and love it so much already. I don't want to hurt it in any way.

If you think CVS doesn't involve a needle and has no risk of miscarriage then I'm not sure you do understand the risks.

But I want it to have a good life from the moment it's born, not a life that starts with DNA tests

You do realise that if something goes wrong and he's born prematurely at 25 weeks then chances are he's going to have quite a difficult life? I think the paternity test is bonkers and your DP sounds extremely paranoid and controlling but far better FOR THE CHILD to have the DNA test once he's born rather than in utero.

OhShutUpThomas · 07/02/2016 07:34
Shock

Surely no one would consider doing this voluntarily to a wanted baby, just to keep some insecure man happy?

I'm really shocked.

maybebabybee · 07/02/2016 07:48

This post has actually made me really sad. We should be teaching women about these red flags for emotional abuse in schools.

OP, you might think your partner is great apart from this one little thing, but let me tell you, it always starts out like that. Then it's another little thing. Then another. Then before you know it you're running round in circles going mad trying to keep him happy. Trust me, him wanting a dna taste on his child when he has no reason to believe it isn't his other than other girlfriends who aren't you having cheated on him previously, is disgusting at best and abusive at worst.

Also. Counselling is for everyone. Sometimes you don't gel with a counsellor and you think oh OK, this doesn't work, but if you find the right one I think they're enormously beneficial. And frankly if my level of insecurity was as high as his I'd be trying to do something about it, not demanding my utterly blameless partner do something about it.

One final thing - are you sure he's actually been cheated on? Another feature of abusive men is they spin you all kinds of utter bollocks about their previous partners. My now ex stepfather did it, telling my mum how all his partners had cheated on him, emotionally damaged him etc, as an excuse for being an arsehole. Guess what - turns out none of it was true and actually he'd cheated on all of them. Hence his abusive paranoia.

NameChange30 · 07/02/2016 07:56

"there are some decent people on here after all"
Hmm

weasle · 07/02/2016 08:06

I'm terribly sorry if I read your post about not being paid and going to a tribunal with your employer ( I assume parents of your charges) as not being paid and no job. But surely you can see that's it's an easy mistake given what you have written.
It must be difficult to give you light duties if you are sole charge of a baby / toddler so good luck with sorting that out.
I wish you all the best with your pregnancy and hope your partner grows up and supports you and your baby.

AlanPacino · 07/02/2016 08:12

He's saying he trusts someone else more than you. Your word is worth less to him than someone else's. Don't set a president by having the test. It won't be long before he wants proof of other things such as where you have been, who you have seen etc.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 07/02/2016 08:33

Oh op, preparing to be the best parent you can be shouldn't mean accusing your pregnant partner of having an affair. However this is what he's doing.

I've looked online and can only find non-invasive tests at around £1k each so if he needs proof that you haven't cheated then unfortunately it's going to cost you.

Good luck-please know that the backlash you've received on here comes from a place of concern about your wellbeing. The pregnancy board is by far one of the most supportive of mn and without some of these women I'd have been very lonely this last 31 weeks!

novemberchild · 07/02/2016 09:05

I hope you are ok, op.

I would be so outraged and disgusted by being asked for a DNA test that I think it would end a relationship. To me, it would imply that I am cheap, deceitful and a liar. I can't imagine being happy with someone who thought that about me with no reasonable grounds for it.

AnnaT45 · 07/02/2016 09:33

OP I'm sorry you're getting a rough time. I can't offer any recommendations but I would talk to your midwife about it first. They will have more information and then you can decide if you want to do it before or after.
I'm not going to tell you what to do but if it's a risk that hurts the baby while in the womb then after everything you've been through please just give it some serious thought.
I also think a lot of men struggle to get excited/ bond with baby till its here to be honest so it may not solve everything.
I wish you all the best with your pregnancy

Cerseirys · 07/02/2016 09:39

If OP mentions all this to the midwife could it trigger some sort of intervention? Not that I think it would be a bad thing in this case.

Lj8893 · 07/02/2016 09:42

Yes, it would certainly flag up potential risk of domestic abuse to a midwife. The midwife would be duty bound to report it to the relevant authorities.

AnnaT45 · 07/02/2016 09:48

Oh I don't know about that. But I wonder if you'd have to tell them anyway to have in your notes?

Eminybob · 07/02/2016 09:48

Well that's not exactly going to encourage the op to speak to her midwife is it Sad

AnnaT45 · 07/02/2016 09:48

As in if you had the procedure and it can cause problems they would need to know?

AnnaT45 · 07/02/2016 09:50

No Eminy I felt the same... Not sure why someone asking for a DNA test automatically means domestic abuse? Surely some people don't know? Anyway I feel the OP probably won't mention it after the PP

Lj8893 · 07/02/2016 09:54

It wouldn't flag up anything if she was just saying she was having a Dna test, but if she added in the whole trust issue part then the midwife would be concerned.