Can't bear this anymore, is termination at 15 16 weeks just going to make it all worse?

[Sleeplessinnorthlondon]

I'm going to delete my profile soon as so ashamed of all of what's happened but desperate for any advice anyone can offer. In summary, conceived when thought couldn't, just about to start ivf, and didn't know. Had two different due dates from different scans but looks like could have drunk heavily 16, 17 and 18 dpo. Stopped as soon as found out but can't shake the guilt despite doctors all telling me it would probably be fine. Would never have terminated for downs or any condition the child was going to have anyway, but cannot bear idea of having spoilt life chances of child that would have been healthy through stupidity. Tried counselling, midwife, friends, all been so kind but can't shake terror and guilt and suspect will never shift and will be terrible mother when born as so anxious and guilty. Just can't bear any of this any more, none of the help I've tried to access is working and Marie stopes have said they can organise an abortion this week. Will mean hurting friends, family and above all darling darling husband but he has said will support me if it's the only way forward. So so desolate and terrified, everyone around me saying this is mental health issue not physical and probably right but in no state to bring child into the world like this anyway. Has anyone been in the same boat? Did the termination help or make it worse? Please help me.

*sane

Oh OP What an awful time you're having. I echo what everyone else has said, though: the problem here is your anxiety, not how much you drank for a few days in the very very early stages of pregnancy.

You don't sound like you want a termination - you sound like you've convinced yourself that you're such an awful mother that you've messed this up and termination is the only sensible way forward so you can start again and do everything 'perfectly', no alcohol and no anxiety and no guilt. But that's the anxiety talking - you haven't messed this up, you do deserve to be pregnant, there isn't ever going to be a perfect pregnancy, and I worry that if you terminate this one you will just end up feeling horrendously guilty about it for years and years to come.

Can you write down some things about just how badly you're feeling before you see GP/midwife to ask for more help? Sometimes it's easier to get your point across without clamming up if you do that.

I conceived (unplanned ) just before a 2 week family holiday for my brothers wedding I drank all day every day for a fortnight not knowing I was pregnant . I too worried about the impact on my baby and felt guilty as hell, that baby is now a perfect beautiful 3 month old
You clearly love your child already proving what a great mum you already are. Unfortunately motherhood is a constant anxiety over 1 thing or another, you need help with your anxieties not a termination. I suffer with post natal anxiety my GP recommended OpenMind for counselling you can self refer 08001830206. They have really helped me. I hope you get the help and support you need and that you have a stress free and healthy pregnancy.

Sleepless- please get some help to talk through your anxieties. I know to some extent how you are feeling. We had dd after a long time of trying and through IUI. After the troubles we had conceiving her I totally expected to need fertility treatment again. Anyway we conceived again when she was 8 months old and over a very boozy Christmas and new year period. Probably a fortnight of moderate to heavy daily drinking. We had ds in September and he is totally perfect and absolutely fine. So many people conceive over Christmas and on holiday during periods of excess. Please please don't worry but do get some help (counselling) to chat through your fears. I think infertility and fertility treatment totally amplifies the normal pregnancy worries all pregnant women face.

I went to a wedding at a similar point in my pregnancy. Heavy drinking the day before and after also. I was really concerned. I remember my consultant was extremely blase about it all and telling me that so long as I didn't go deep sea diving or get chemo, it was highly unlikely I'd do anything in my normal day to day life that would harm my baby. Dd is 6 and absolutely fine. Do seek help. I don't think a termination is the answer here. And I'm sure you'll be an amazing mother.

Sleepless I'm going to answer the title of your tread.
Yes a termination will make it worse. How will you feel afterwards when a wanted baby may or may not have been terminated because of a 0.0001% chance something is wrong because you drank heavily for a few days in early pregnancy. I like many others did this without knowing and dc is fine but you may find yourself in a worse States thinking you terminated a baby who is 99% likely to be fine beautiful and amazing and extremely wanted and loved.

Hi sleepless, no, you don't share the products in the bloodstream for several weeks. You never actually share blood, but various thing can pass through the placenta. But...you don't really have a proper connection for several weeks. The embryo has a yolk sac, just like a bird's egg really, full of yolk which it uses. in those early day, the uterus itself produces what's called uterine milk - specialised fluid that the growing placenta takes up. Only after that does the placenta really start to function. You're not properly 'plugged in' for several weeks.

You do need help for your anxiety, honestly I know how worrying pregnancy can be and you seem to be in a bit of a tailspin. There is help out there, please use it, so that you can try to enjoy this much wanted pregnancy. One day and one step at a time, be kind to yourself.

I have a friend who drank heavily until she found out she was 6 months pregnant. Massive shock for her. Her 15yo is now on a gifted and talented programme, bright, articulate, no problems. I hope you get support OP

Like Hazel my sister was young when she conceived, she bled throughout and had no idea she was pregnant until she was 6 months in. She drank throughout the entire first 6 months until she knew (and the weekend before she found out, very heavily) my nephew is 15 now, he's the brightest, kindest, most wonderful boy I have ever met (and im not being biased, I have other nephews!)

Hormones do crazy things to you. They did to several of my friends (one was convinced she had blinded her son with a uv light, all kids were fine) Those hormones won't disappear immediately after a termination and you need to be aware of how horrific the aftermath of that could be. Please know in saying this I am very much pro choice.

Without wanting to create more anxiety, any baby can be born with or develop difficulties. It's kinda the risk that runs with being a mum. I think you can get through this OP.

Much love to you

Please sleepless you do not need to have a termination. I found out I was pregnant the day after a works night out so you can imagine...I also drank every weekend for that whole month! Please speak to your GP and family again.

I think you're just panicking. I know several women (as you have described yourself) and their children have been born fine. I think you might be blowing things out of proportion because natural conception has come as a bit of a shock and overwhelmed you, perhaps? You sound highly anxious in general. The fact that you are so anxious actually shows you care a LOT.

You were about to embark on IVF, so desperate for a child. This baby will be well loved, well looked after and cared for because he or she is much wanted. You also sound like you have a family and partner that are a brilliant support.
Take a deep breath and seize this opportunity to be a mother, a great one, which I'm sure you will be! Because you conceived naturally once it doesn't mean that you may again and lots of women have many unsuccessful rounds of IVF. This may be your one chance...grasp it and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. I would keep getting professional help for your anxiety. You'll (and the baby) will be fine

OP I can't add any more wise words than have been posted here but like others, I can provide my anecdata, if it helps? I know I googled frantically for answers, like you must be! I think I even posted here.

I went on a 10-day holiday to a European destination where the wine flowed like water. The day we left I had an implantation bleed, but I wasn't trying to get pregnant and had no idea what the bleed was, so it didn't register until much later. Anyway, I spent the 10 days drinking like a fish. It was easily the most I've ever drunk, ever. I am embarrassed to say how much I drunk.

I now have a gorgeous, healthy, smart and very funny DD, who is four years old and perfectly "normal" (I hate that word!).

I imagine with the UK's binge drinking culture half the nation's mothers have stories not unlike mine (or yours).

Please be kind to yourself. There is every chance your baby will be fine. And even if you do everything perfectly (ie, not drink ever and eat 5 a day), there is still a small chance that the baby won't be healthy. A certain amount is beyond your control and that is what is scary about pregnancy.

Wishing you well.

Op im another who had a ridiculously boozy first few weeks of pregnancy before i realised i was pg it happens i wish It hadnt but i never put myself through what you have you sound very ill.

I know you've said that your dh supports you but what if he hadnt i assume you wouldn't be continuing to put yourself through this.

Thank you all so much for all your help. Dh taken me out for walk and lunch, got day off work tomorrow and taking me to gp and midwife at earliest appt we can get. Will post back when worked out a plan. Thank you all so so much for your kind words. Feeling calmer now but the bugger with these feelings is that they come and go and I think I've kicked it then it's back within a few hours twice as vicious as before. Will keep you posted and thank you thank you thank you xxxx

When the feelings come back, read this thread back, especially the bits about the bloodstreams not mixing and the actual science explanations from Skiptonlass.

We are all here for you and hope you are soon feeling much, much better.

I am an IVF mum too and I know that, to put yourself through that, you must want your baby VERY much.

THIS baby - who will be FINE. Lots of good science explanations on here abut why you wont have done damage.

Good to see your update!

Keep seeking help and support through your pg as you can never have too much! .x

A friend of mine didn't find out she was pregnant until she was three months gone. During that time she was clubbing a lot and went on a week long hen week bender too. Her daughter is perfect!

And women used to drink while pregnant, and smoke. The awareness campaigns these days have been very successful, but I think they can make people too paranoid. My mum's midwife made her drink Guinness twice a week during her pregnancies, because her iron was low. She also smoked throughout (which may be why it was low.) We're all fine.

If you want to do right by your little one, the best thing you can do is relax and look after yourself.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2810038/

This is just one of the articles that mentions that 3-8 weeks after conception is key, only posting as one example to show not all fully irrational, definitely some risk. Really want to be able to disregard this and feel better but struggling.

I'll add my voice to all those here who say there is a vanishingly small chance that anything you've done could possibly have harmed your baby and that this in an anxiety issue.

I also want to say that I have taught a boy with foetal alcohol syndrome while he was in primary school and followed his progress through secondary. He did have mild additional learning needs but he was the loveliest, happiest boy/teenager you could ever wish to meet, despite very difficult home circumstances. He had loads of friends and of all the pupils I've taught in a long career, he's the one I liked the most because he was such a fantastic person - and would have been whether or not he'd had FAS.

I'm saying this because you said in your first post that you wouldn't consider abortion for reasons of Down's Syndrome. Like I said, there's a vanishingly small chance that anything you've done could possibly have harmed your baby.

I hope you find peace of mind very soon

Poor OP, it's heartbreaking to see someone in such a state.

It seems from your posts that you do want this baby very much. So much that you are terrified you have hurt it. I think an abortion in your exact circumstances right now would be a tragedy for you. Please listen to what you are being told and what the mental health professionals say before making a decision. I honestly think you would regret it if you go ahead without at least trying.

My mother smoked like a chimney when having me and I would guess drunk a lot too and I am fine. I also have produced a child with an iQ of 145 so there can't be too much wrong.

Try not to worry. You'll regret this spoiling your pregnancy when you are holding your perfect baby in your arms. Let it go .

Your baby is not attached to your blood supply until 21 dpo. Your baby is fine.

My friend did completely mad crazy shit when pregnant far far FAR worse than anything you have done, and almost terminated at 16 weeks because of the blind terror but we helped her through it and she calmed down enough to take one day at a time. She was absolutely hysterical until she gave birth. It was severe anxiety. Her baby is 1 now and is fine but it was a very hard time for her. I wish you all the best. Please please talk to someone today and I am sorry you are suffering like this.

Please believe my first sentence, you have not done any damage to your baby because it is not even attached to you until 21dpo.

I really appreciate your support and my heart goes out to your friend but why then do so many papers and articles and websites say third week after conception key? Can post so so many of them and they're not all cranks....

embryo.asu.edu/pages/developmental-timeline-alcohol-induced-birth-defects

www.columbia.edu/itc/hs/medical/humandev/2004/Chpt23-Teratogens.pdf

Just two....way more out there and both from universities.

Key in what way though? The fact remains that a lot of people don't find out they're pg until they miss a period, so 4 to 5 weeks is about the earliest, even on the conception boards on here when people have been trying to get pg for months most still drink until they get the positive test.

So, key or not, it's not normal or usual for an embryo to be damaged at that stage, although it's normal and usual for women to drink at that point.