Can't bear this anymore, is termination at 15 16 weeks just going to make it all worse?

[Sleeplessinnorthlondon]

I'm going to delete my profile soon as so ashamed of all of what's happened but desperate for any advice anyone can offer. In summary, conceived when thought couldn't, just about to start ivf, and didn't know. Had two different due dates from different scans but looks like could have drunk heavily 16, 17 and 18 dpo. Stopped as soon as found out but can't shake the guilt despite doctors all telling me it would probably be fine. Would never have terminated for downs or any condition the child was going to have anyway, but cannot bear idea of having spoilt life chances of child that would have been healthy through stupidity. Tried counselling, midwife, friends, all been so kind but can't shake terror and guilt and suspect will never shift and will be terrible mother when born as so anxious and guilty. Just can't bear any of this any more, none of the help I've tried to access is working and Marie stopes have said they can organise an abortion this week. Will mean hurting friends, family and above all darling darling husband but he has said will support me if it's the only way forward. So so desolate and terrified, everyone around me saying this is mental health issue not physical and probably right but in no state to bring child into the world like this anyway. Has anyone been in the same boat? Did the termination help or make it worse? Please help me.

That's awful that you need to pay'm

You're all so brilliant. In fairness, could get some support for free but more of a waiting list and actually think this is best money could ever spend. Even feeling ok this morning and mornings normally crap :) Doubt am off the rollercoaster yet so let's see how it goes... :) Your support is just invaluable.
xxxxxx

Good! If/when the next wave of horrible feeling rolls at you, try to hold on to the thought that it passed last time and will do again. And take all the help you can get.

Remember to eat and get some fresh air, too.

Ahem. Sorry. Parent of teenager with OCD here and I think my maternal instincts might be overdoing it.

Absolutely Sleepless - there is no point delaying treatment at the moment when you are feeling so up and down and if you can access it more quickly privately.

Take some time this morning to be mindful of how you are feeling now so you can try to remember that positivity and the calm you have felt before and try to focus on them when needed in the future.

You are doing so well! x

So glad you are feeling more positive today. Keep posting whenever you need to.

Would it help to keep a sort of diary so you can look back and see hat you did have good days when you were positive - might this give you something to cling on to when you aren't feeling so good?

Sleepless you sound so much better than two weeks ago, well done for asking for help - you see, help is now appearing.

But don't ask too much of yourself, baby steps are definitely the way forward, and be kind to yourself - congratulate yourself on the baby steps and try not to stack up too many things to do. Make sure you get plenty of rest, try to eat well, give yourself some treats.

You will feel better, I promise, although it may be difficult to believe that at times. Lancelottie's advice is sound here - every time it gets hard, just trust everyone who has told you it will be ok again after, and keep asking for the help you need.

CBT should really help you to handle your anxieties (and understand where they are coming from) and have a bit of an easier ride, but it will take time, and it will be up and down, so that is normal. If you can't face keeping a diary, a good idea is to give yourself a daily score on how you feel - then you can see how much that goes up and down over time.

You will feel better, and life will get easier, I promise.

Sending you lots of good vibes. The ladies on MN are just amazing aren't they? Keep chatting to them all. I will continue to keep you in my thoughts as will so many lovely ladies on here. I wish you all the very very very best. Xxx

Another update (posting this on all my various crackers threads from past months) - couple of wobbles here and there but (ALMOST) completing believing the now FOUR docs who have all said no risk to worry about at all, ALMOST believing anxiety not at level or at point in pregnancy to have caused further complications (worrying about worrying...) and really starting to look forward to having this child. Thank you thank you thank you all so very very much for all your huge huge support mumsnet, going to always offer support to any other friends I've yet to meet on mumsnet where I can in gratitude for enormously helpful interventions from all of you. Huge love, sleepless xxx

Sleepless, reading this thread has been like a rollercoaster of emotion.
One minute I'm in tears for you trying to understand what you must be going through. And then so happy to hear you'd changed your mind. I am
SO relived to hear that your okay, you've made the right decision, I really think you've had some amazing advice here from some of the pp's they've been amazing. How many weeks are you now? You must be nearly due?xx

What a wonderful update. I'm so glad you are at a better place now with your pregnancy.

I was thinking about you only yesterday. Thank you for updating us!

Nowhere near nearly due!!! Only 23 weeks!!!!! Thanks so so much for all your support xxxxx

sleepless I'm 23 weeks too and also was about to start fertility treatment when I fell pregnant.

I posted on one of your other threads and am so pleased that things are feeling a bit more stable now. Well done, you have been incredibly brave and I hope you are able to look back at this one day and feel really proud of yourself .

Sleepless I'm unlurking to say I am so so glad you have made this decision. I conceived through IVF and it was only reading your thread that made me realise how similar my experience was to yours. Fair enough I never seriously contemplated termination but I fantasised about it as both my partner and I were terrified of my dying in childbirth (due to my medical background). I also obsessed over toxoplasmosis, listeria etc etc.

I just wanted to say that the second half of my pregnancy was much easier than the first, and after my baby was born it was like the anxiety melted away. I'd now say I'm a relatively laid back parent! I don't mean to minimise your own issues, but I am so hopeful that your situation will get so much better now you are getting the help you need.

Hello,
I am finding myself in the exact same situation as @Sleeplessinnorthlondon at the time (drank a lot during 3 days at the worst possible time, around 15 to 20 dpo) and I have found this post… I would really like to know how things ended for her, if she is still around or if someone knows… I haven’t slept the whole week and I am feeling incredibly guilty and scared

Just got an alert - not been on here in years! I can tell you 100% all was absolutely fine - the issue was my mental health not my drinking and me and now two babes are both doing very well. Please, please don’t worry and if you can’t stop worrying ask for support for that from the midwife. Take care of yourself - i know how utterly miserable it is but you are not alone and so so many women have been in your shoes x

I don’t know I was pregnant until the Monday-and gave birth on the Saturday

I drank
I smoked
I went on rollercoasters at least 3 times (and between 5-10 each time)
I ate soft cheeses
More tuna than I care to think about
I carried heavy stuff
I climbed up ladders to decorate
I had two joints
And maybe loads more that your not meant to do in pregnancy

He’s coming up 22 now and is 100% ok-and has been since birth

Thanks a lot for your replies.

I am glad to read everything’s been ok @Sleeplessinnorthlondon , I really felt for you while reading this topic. I am also a little bit relieved, although I can’t help thinking that the risk is there and is high due to the time period and the quantity I drank (I’ve read the same studies as you at the time, plus all the more recent ones…). I will never be able to live with the guilt of having damaged my baby so stupidly because I haven’t tested in time.

I am going to seek some help, this week of absolute stress and thoughts of termination has probably not done any good to my baby either and DH and I just can’t live another 8 months like this.

Oh sweetheart. This was exactly the way my mind went - from fears of the impact alcohol to fears of the impact the stress. There is absolutely no meaningful scientific evidence to speak of for either and I want to share some things that may help. After this post I won’t update though, not because I don’t desperately want you to avoid the misery I had but because it sounds SO like me I think you might have the same kind of anxiety and I was taught by my counsellor that weirdly, reassurance seeking makes it worse. The more you seek comfort about a problem the more your brain is registering that there IS a problem when really there isn’t. It is tough as hell but what you need is distraction, exercise and the support of the hospital mental health team - please call the midwife about this today.

So. The things that might help. I know all the “evidence” you have found. I learnt during my extensive period of misery, partly through some lovely very educated people here, about publication bias. Academics are under enormous pressure to publish and to state their findings with the greatest impact possible to raise their profile. They are also publishing for academic audiences rather than the public who know how to take this stuff ie general speculation. If there were any solid evidence about anything you are worrying about we would categorically know about it by now. The next thing that happens is that headline and click chasing “journalists” can exaggerate or even utterly misrepresent this research because this stuff grabs attention. My fab counsellor once talked me through the actual data behind one of the headlines I was terrified by and even at the height of my illness made me see how utterly baseless my fears were.

The problem is, your brain is going to keep finding new fears unless you train it not to which is so so hard. I spent both pregnancies feeling sick to my stomach with relentless, churning terror. My kids are 6 and nearly three and healthy and happy and easy going. This is going to pass. Hang in there and get the help you deserve.

I had no idea I was pregnant and drank heavily! Like really heavily! I don't think there was a single alcoholic drink I didn't have plus tons of coffee. I think she was conceived on holiday so I was drinking all day! Then came home and it was Christmas so more booze! I was mortified and terrified but as soon as I found out I stopped completely. I have a perfectly happy and healthy 3 year old. She is really bright (maybe too bright) and super social. I am now pregnant again and was drinking around conception. We were trying this time so it wasn't as wild as last time (a few rosés in the summer sun) and I found out sooner but knowing how it didn't effect dd1 means I'm not worried. Please don't get an abortion purely based on drinking. I am sure you would regret it. FAS seems to effect babies whose mothers drank heavily throughout pregnancy. You're not even half way. Please cut yourself some slack and allow yourself to be happy. This is the baby you wanted and it will be absolutely fine 💕 in the meantime please speak to your doctor, you sound like you aren't coping. Pregnancy is a whirlwind of emotions and hormones.

Sorry just seen this is an old post. Delighted all was ok xx

@Madala I think Sleepnessinnorthlondon is so right about seeking reassurance and how this will not help your anxiety. I also had terrible anxiety during this pregnancy- not because of alcohol but I was so scared of losing my baby (I still am) after TTC for 7 years. But reading the original OP and your fears I do wonder why you lay such emphasis on 'it being your fault' if there is something with your babies development and 'never being able to live with yourself'. I say this a someone who has gone through IVF 4x during which I pumped my body full of medicine of which every stated possible side effects where birth defects. I really didn't have another option so I took this risk but you both seemed to have drunk some alcohol without realizing your were pregnant. How can you blame yourself? You didn't do anything purposely wrong- why do you say 'I couldn't live with myself'. You definitely seem to have an (irrational?) anxiety about the effects of alcohol but also one about responsibility and guilt. I also say this as someone who is disabled and worked with children like myself my whole life. Yes sometimes things are difficult but my life is mainly beautiful- I'm so happy I'm here. I hope therapy will help really soon. Hang in there x

Thank you so so so much to the 3 of you for taking the time to help me.

@sleeplessinnorthlondon first of all I am really sorry for bringing you back to this, I did not think much before replying to this old thread, at the time I thought that if your baby was ok then maybe mine would be ok and that it would comfort me (and I also simply wanted to know you were ok!)

You are probably right about what is going on in my head... I keep looking for facts and testimonies and I never feel "satisfied" with any of them (although testimonies do make me feel less alone) because none of them exactly reflects my situation. I realise that I dismiss everything that could provide some reassurance and focus on the risk only. When being rational I know that I will never find any evidence that this risk is low and that I will not be the odd unlucky one, but I cannot help being irrational and looking for this. I have done this every night for almost a week now, I am getting insane.

@Matilda128 I stopped taking the pill in September, thinking that it would be difficult to get pregnant with my polycystic ovaries. Because of this false belief I did not worry at all when my period was 3 days late and went away for the weekend (and drank) during this exact time period. The delay was a very clear sign that I was pregnant and I was so convinced that I would not be that I did not even interpret it like this and did not test... until it finally registered a few days later. I feel so guilty and reckless, I should have just stopped drinking completely or at least tested when my period was delayed. And a family member is disabled, she is wonderful but I know how difficult life may be and I would never forgive myself for ruining my kid's chance to a healthy life so stupidly.

I have promised my husband that I will stop googling and posting - I will try and keep this promise and seek some real life help. And also give you some peace @sleeplessinnorthlondon, again I am so so so sorry for bringing this topic up. I should have just sent you a private message.

Btw, sorry for any misspelling or grammatical mistake, English is not my native language.