Can't bear this anymore, is termination at 15 16 weeks just going to make it all worse?

[Sleeplessinnorthlondon]

I'm going to delete my profile soon as so ashamed of all of what's happened but desperate for any advice anyone can offer. In summary, conceived when thought couldn't, just about to start ivf, and didn't know. Had two different due dates from different scans but looks like could have drunk heavily 16, 17 and 18 dpo. Stopped as soon as found out but can't shake the guilt despite doctors all telling me it would probably be fine. Would never have terminated for downs or any condition the child was going to have anyway, but cannot bear idea of having spoilt life chances of child that would have been healthy through stupidity. Tried counselling, midwife, friends, all been so kind but can't shake terror and guilt and suspect will never shift and will be terrible mother when born as so anxious and guilty. Just can't bear any of this any more, none of the help I've tried to access is working and Marie stopes have said they can organise an abortion this week. Will mean hurting friends, family and above all darling darling husband but he has said will support me if it's the only way forward. So so desolate and terrified, everyone around me saying this is mental health issue not physical and probably right but in no state to bring child into the world like this anyway. Has anyone been in the same boat? Did the termination help or make it worse? Please help me.

I didn't know I was pregnant with ds2 and got very drunk. He is 8 now and a level 4 in maths. He is just as he should be. Try not to fear the worst. Guilt is a feeling of motherhood for me. Just wanted to support you.

I have just remembered I also cleaned out a cat dirt tray with poo in it and bare hands when I didn't realise I was pg with ds2. This as everyone else has said is anxiety . I have an anxiety disorder too. I struggle with dog poo killing my dcs.

Just another one here to say... I was 21 when I conceived, in a massive party phase of my life. I didn't realise I was pregnant until about 6 weeks gone. I was also very anxious and guilty about what I had subjected my baby to. Said baby is now 13, healthy, bright, loving and the absolute love of my life. I quit every vice I had the minute I realised I was carrying and he is as healthy as every other child we know.

Hope you can find a way through this awful anxiety

I was away for a week long piss up training course when I was unknowingly 3-4 weeks pregnant. The Thursday night was the best worst and included many many shots tequila, Sambuca, various colourful things (I think aftershock), etc etc into the wee small hours of the morning.

I also smoked and had liver pate, shellfish etc etc at the hotel that week.

Was horrified with myself when I pee'd on the stick and never smoked (ever again), drank (except a very small glass of bubbly when I got married), or ate anything unsuitable during remainder of pregnancy.

ds(11) is absolutely perfect (although I may be biased).

The risk is so low please try not to worry, but do see a GP about your anxiety as does seem out of proportion to the risk.

I got completely shit faced whilst un knowingly being pregnant with DS14. I mean completely, so sick I would almost call it alcohol poisoning.
He's completely fine.

Sleepless. Please, please step away from Google.

I worked as a research scientist for years and I can tell you that if you gave me any (literally any) random assertion, I could go find you a paper that backs it up. When I read a paper I look critically at the design, the methodology etc, and you know what? Often I think 'well that's a poor bit of work...' Just because it's published, doesn't mean it's gospel!

It's NOT individual papers we use to drive public health policy , it's masses of them. Metadata, that takes years and hundreds of studies to collect. Theres some really poor quality research out there as well, and even good research can be wrong! A 95% confidence interval is often used. Think about what that means - out of every 100 papers, five are wrong because that's just how statistics works, not because of any flaw in methodology! There are even papers out there 'proving' that fags are absolutely excellent for your health :)

And don't even get me started on sample sizes, incorrect study design, power of studies, etc (actually my dear I have the perfect cure for you...I can bore you rigid with statistical models and drive all anxiety out of your head.)

I know anecdotes aren't data, but listen to all the ladies who posted above and believe me - if getting pissed in the first couple of weeks did damage, we'd be doomed as a nation.

I often knock cbt - it's not great for exploring childhood trauma for example, but it's really good at dealing with intrusive thoughts. The key is practice and repetition. For the next hour try this. First ten minutes you articulate to whoever is with you your fears. Now, after that, you're going to try to knock those thoughts on the head. Think of something emotionally neutral and a bit daft. A frog perhaps. Now, every time you start to obsess, think of the frog. Say 'frog' out loud. You're trying to derail your train of obsession.

It's not easy to do and anxiety is really tough, but with help and practise, it WILL get easier. Please see your GP and don't minimise your symptoms. Take hubby with you. Ask for help. Be polite but pushy.

This sounds almost like a prenatal psychosis of some description. It doesn't matter how many professionals tell the OP that she has done no harm, she won't believe them. It's actually really scary reading.

If I were the husband I would be trying to get an urgent appointment with a mental health specialist. I have this awful feeling the OP will be allowed to terminate, once the hormones have settled she may revert to a more stable psychological state and realise she has just killed her baby. It's horrifying.

sebsmummy you may be right and I know you speak with care and concern but it also might be unhelpful to refer to the OP in the third person and use phrases like 'killed her baby'.
She is seeking help but it is her choice.

sleepless I got absolutely shit faced, two weeks in a row over both nights of the weekend, I had weddings 30th birthdays and sometimes I'm just a disgraceful lush. Took a pregnancy test was negative went out again. Week later realised I was pregnant. I was so panicked I'd damaged DC1 I used to cry to my DH as soon as he was born I was looking for signs of FAS but he is 5 now and he's fine. DC2 total accident (shhhh don't tell him) arrived 5 years later and I didn't realise I was pregnant for quite a while in fact I posted on here about how worried I was about what I could have done to him but again he seems fine.
It really sounds like you are going through hell with this and I'm so sorry. Whatever you decide to do I hope your ok.

Op, can you show your husband this thread? I'm inclined to agree that you may need some urgent help.

I don't know where you're based but I'd encourage you and your husband to look for your local urgent care centre
www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/Urgent-care-centre/LocationSearch/658
Or call the NHS 111 service for advice.

sebsmummy sorry, no it doesn't. It sounds like anxiety and OCD, and even the clinical psychologist upthread will not actually say that because it is irresponsible . The OP has the insight to know she is being irrational but the worry won't go away. Psychosis has no insight. By suggestion the OP has psychosis you could make her anxiety a lot worse.

I know you are trying to help like we all are but your post worried me.

OP, before I found out I was pregnant with my first I was taking a drug called interferon and there was a risk of the baby being deformed/ disabled/ miscarrying. I was advised to abort. He's now 5 and the top of his class.

With my second, I was on painkillers, receiving x Rays, had laser tattoo removal, drunk and smoked...

She is also perfectly healthy.

Please please do not terminate this pregnancy, I am so so so pro choice but I'm scared you're going to regret your decision.

Please seek counselling

And yes I have just realised I am a hypocrite for saying " It sounds like anxiety and OCD, and even the clinical psychologist upthread will not actually say that because it is irresponsible "

I apologise, I haven't read the full thread and your decision is your own.
I just wanted to share that I was 2-3 weeks pregnant over Christmas without realising and had a fair bit to drink over the period. That baby is now coming up to his second birthday and is, and always has been, a strong, healthy child with no ill effects from my boozy Christmas. I felt awfully guilty at the time but all signs pointed to there being little or no risk to the baby. It was, in my case, correct

OP I conceived on honeymoon. I drank every day for ten whole days! Didn't find out I was pregnant until I got back. DS is now 3 and such a bright and happy little boy and early in all of his milestones. Please get some proper help, I think by terminating you'll only be creating more problems. And whose to say next time you wouldn't focus on something else? Read what the experts on this thread have said, and step away from google, please.

I echo the advice to show this thread to your husband. Please do that. You're surrounded by people that want to help you. Accept the help.

Another one who drank loads before I knew I was pregnant and I was drunk both times I conceived.

I actually really struggled to conceive and both times I gave up and got well and truly pissed and bingo! I actually don't think I can conceive sober .

I also had a hen do in the early days with my first and ended doing the pregnancy test with a hangover. After trying for so long to have a baby, when I decided to give up on it, I really did drown my sorrows. Except I was pregnant. Twice.

DS is wonderful and this bump is growing nicely. For me anxiety is a part of pregnancy. I think it is for a lot of women. I worry a lot about all sorts of things. Guilt and anxiety is a part of parenthood to a certain extent and however wanted a baby is that initial period is filled with panic. That said, I think your reaction to this is extreme to say the least. You obviously really want this baby and so I echo what other posters have said. You need to get help as a matter or urgency and stop your googling.

Sleepless as someone else who also reads and writes a fair bit academic research, I want to say that Skiptonlass is absolutely right. Let me be blunt: you don't know enough to tell the difference between the bits of research you're citing, recognise issues with research design and validity, and Google is not how you get a proper picture of the range of studies out there.

The NHS regularly responds to overhyped reporting of individual studies because of the way they can be taken out of context, the limits not understood, or validity/implications overstated.

Right now , your pregnancy, my pregnancy (I'm about as far a long as you) and lots of other women's pregnancies are subject to all sorts of risks (not least, for me too the amount I drank before I knew).

You've had lots of great advice here from really sensible people who care that you get the support you need. Now's the time to do what you can to take control of your fears, and get what help you can.

I read through most of the message but they just kept going and going!!

Again, sharing another story and hoping it'll make you feel better!
My friend and my sister went to Ibiza for a WEEK and they took drugs every night mainly E and were literally drunk throughout the entire holiday, a cocktail of nearly every drink she said, not knowing (until she got home) she was actually 8 weeks pregnant. This wasn't the only time she drank however she must have done so since conception, my sister and her lived in a uni flat share place and they were always having party's and getting off their nut!
This was in 2005 i remember it SO well, she felt like you, absolutely full of guilt, the pregnancy wasn't planned however but she decided to keep the baby, who is now 10 and a beautiful, perfect and healthy girl.
Please please stop looking on the Internet!! It'll never give you anything positive. Forums like these with real life stories are the only ones you should be listening to.
I hope you make the right decision, you've had so much good advice on here, I think you'll really regret having a termination.

I think its the only advice I can offer is to show your husband this thread because its full of wonderful advice but you are so mixed up you are not thinking clearly.
Please show your husband or someone this thread. I hope you get some help pet and make it through this.

Please show your DH this thread.

I was 19 when I fell pregnant with DC2, I had no idea I was pregnant again till 6 weeks before he was born, I had some heavy nights out in that time. He's 9 now, totally gorgeous and very clever, honestly harmed him in no way.

I'll agree with PPs about the absolute impossibility of finding out The Definitive Truth about what may or may not harm your baby through looking up random research papers on t'internet.

I have tried....I did lots of googling on the subject of how alcohol affects TTC (verdict: a bit, but probably not that much), the real risks of caffeine in pregnancy (just left me more confused than before, TBH), and the safety or otherwise of Valium (after I'd got the green light for occasional use from GP and consultant, but the red light from the midwife). Seriously, I read a LOT of papers about that one, and every single one seemed to offer subtly conflicting data.

I wonder if it might be worth your while to ask to see a consultant obstetrician, as probably being the most expert voice of reassurance you'll be able to get hold of? They've certainly been reassuring to me in my pregnancies, as they're normally the ones best able to quote all the facts and figures that I've craved....

Oh, and to add my voice to the hundreds: I had a night on the mojitos and red wine at approximately 14-16 DPO, and my 5 year old is annoyingly bright and precocious!

I'm 24 weeks and was in Italy over Christmas/New Year - so up to 4 weeks from conception - when I drank pretty much every night (& the hard stuff so lots of vodka/spirits), I took ibuprofen several times a day for a week which CAN cause defects much to my grief (& also a MUCH stronger painkiller given to me by a relative due to my wisdom tooth pain), didn't take the folic acid & smoked up to 7 weeks of pregnancy as I didn't know I was pregnant. At one point I was utterly convinced baby would have spina bifta or another anomoly so did also have "fantasies" of miscarriage or abortion as it would be my own fault if something bad happened. My DP kept assuring me it would all be OK & not to keep beating myself up.

I have now had 4 scans in total (2 private due to anxiety) & all seems to be fine. My anxiety is decreasing & I am enjoying feeling baby kick & my growing bump! I even seen the baby move today whilst I was in the bath - it's amazing!!

Please, please don't do anything you will regret. I feel your pain & can honestly say it does get better. Dr Google is not your friend, listen to your doctor & midwife. Listen to your family. You are not alone & I know how much your baby is loved so I would hate if you made a decision you woildnt be able to get over.

PM me if you want any support in the future. I am now of a mind frame that my baby is fine, he's kick boxing away in my stomach as we speak & I have had no issues with this pregnancy whatsoever so far. I'm utterly convinced your baby will be fine too

Let me be blunt: you don't know enough to tell the difference between the bits of research you're citing, recognise issues with research design and validity, and Google is not how you get a proper picture of the range of studies out there

This 100%. You could convince yourself of anything by reading the internet. But it's knowing what is true, what isn't and what is valid.

I purposefully didn't address the OP directly as it is clear she doesn't believe or possibly want to take everybody's posts onboard. I'm just hoping that somehow, somewhere she gets some help before she does something she could regret for the test of her life.