Can't bear this anymore, is termination at 15 16 weeks just going to make it all worse?

[Sleeplessinnorthlondon]

I'm going to delete my profile soon as so ashamed of all of what's happened but desperate for any advice anyone can offer. In summary, conceived when thought couldn't, just about to start ivf, and didn't know. Had two different due dates from different scans but looks like could have drunk heavily 16, 17 and 18 dpo. Stopped as soon as found out but can't shake the guilt despite doctors all telling me it would probably be fine. Would never have terminated for downs or any condition the child was going to have anyway, but cannot bear idea of having spoilt life chances of child that would have been healthy through stupidity. Tried counselling, midwife, friends, all been so kind but can't shake terror and guilt and suspect will never shift and will be terrible mother when born as so anxious and guilty. Just can't bear any of this any more, none of the help I've tried to access is working and Marie stopes have said they can organise an abortion this week. Will mean hurting friends, family and above all darling darling husband but he has said will support me if it's the only way forward. So so desolate and terrified, everyone around me saying this is mental health issue not physical and probably right but in no state to bring child into the world like this anyway. Has anyone been in the same boat? Did the termination help or make it worse? Please help me.

[Matilda128]

But @Madala it sounds like you had completely valid reason to think you weren't pregnancy. And you haven't done anything on purpose- as in you knew you were doing something wrong but you did it anyways. If you go through this thread and read so many stories of women who did exactly the same are you thinking: "well if they did have a disabled child they should feel so bad they shouldn't be able to live with themselves because they were reckless. Their children should have been aborted." I don't think so because that's a horrible way to think. Then why are you doing this to yourself? In some forms of anxiety you place yourself as some exceptional case so that everything everyone says will not be true for you. When I go through one of my episode my partner always brings me down to earth with: "you really aren't as special" .
What can help in anxiety is trying to shift your pattern of thinking so you don't keep going round in the same circular thoughts where you use everything to reaffirm your fears. I was trying to nudge you to see things differently. You really need to contact your GP and midwife and make clear how serious the situation is and that you need help now. Eventually you get out of these situations- sometimes all of a sudden and sometimes more gradually and you will look back and realise how much you got caught up in this particular fear. Meanwhile life is full of dangers and risks (and guilt) which we can easily deal with on a day-to-day basis. I really really hope you feel better soon x

[Sleeplessinnorthlondon]

Nothing to apologise whatsoever, please take care of yourself