Can't bear this anymore, is termination at 15 16 weeks just going to make it all worse?

[Sleeplessinnorthlondon]

I'm going to delete my profile soon as so ashamed of all of what's happened but desperate for any advice anyone can offer. In summary, conceived when thought couldn't, just about to start ivf, and didn't know. Had two different due dates from different scans but looks like could have drunk heavily 16, 17 and 18 dpo. Stopped as soon as found out but can't shake the guilt despite doctors all telling me it would probably be fine. Would never have terminated for downs or any condition the child was going to have anyway, but cannot bear idea of having spoilt life chances of child that would have been healthy through stupidity. Tried counselling, midwife, friends, all been so kind but can't shake terror and guilt and suspect will never shift and will be terrible mother when born as so anxious and guilty. Just can't bear any of this any more, none of the help I've tried to access is working and Marie stopes have said they can organise an abortion this week. Will mean hurting friends, family and above all darling darling husband but he has said will support me if it's the only way forward. So so desolate and terrified, everyone around me saying this is mental health issue not physical and probably right but in no state to bring child into the world like this anyway. Has anyone been in the same boat? Did the termination help or make it worse? Please help me.

[fortunately]

I was going to ask how much you were drinking at this time, but it's actually irrelevant. You can't possibly have done any harm. Even a bottle of vodka is unlikely to have had any effect.

The doctors can't use words like "impossible", because even a 1:10000000000000 chance is a "possibility" and they all want to cover their backsides in case they get sued. But it is "impossible" in all the normal sense of the word.

[Sleeplessinnorthlondon]

I'll happily say what was drinking, that's the problem. Friday prob two bottles of wine or more over evening at hen do, sat out for lunch and dinner and couple of glasses at each, Sunday the real killer, out with v boozy family for early Mother's Day do, easily three bottles of wine over the day. So I think clearly pretty huge! In fact doctor did ask how much and told him, so clear that some level could cause problems at that stage.

[fortunately]

It was three days in a nine month pregnancy. Three days in two hundred and seventy odd.

Plus the placenta isn't even up and running at that stage.

You haven't harmed your baby. You are in no more danger of having harmed your baby than any other pregnant woman who drinks and doesn't now she's pregnant ie most of us.

[wigglylines]

Please don't terminate your baby ubder these circumstances, the guilt will quite possibly be crippling, worse than you feel now.

Your baby will be fine. The biggest risk to it right now is not from alcohol, but the very real risk of being aborted due to your anxiety. That is what is threatening it right now, not a few drunken night which many, many of us did!

Go to the doctors amd deal with your anxiety. Terminating your baby is not going to make this better, it will probably make it worse.

[roughtyping]

sleepless I am so, so sorry you're still feeling this way - have spoken to you on other threads and shared my own story. I think speaking to the mental health midwife is a fantastic idea. I don't think you should rush into anything. I'm so sorry you feel this way and I'm thinking of you

[WorldsBiggestGrotbag]

I drank at least that amount OP, 3 day hen weekend in Liverpool (I was living in Milan at the time and it was the first time id seen my friends in a year!)

[Sleeplessinnorthlondon]

Thanks everyone. Grotbags, were you pregnant though and if so as far gone as me?

[WorldsBiggestGrotbag]

Yes, I was about 5 weeks at the time. Had no idea.

[Sleeplessinnorthlondon]

Sorry grotbags, you said that earlier, losing plot a bit! :)

[WorldsBiggestGrotbag]

Haha it's ok . DD is an absolute delight. I'm now 34 weeks with number 2 and wish I could say id learnt from last time but as this pregnancy was unplanned (on the mini pill) I had a very boozy night at about 5 weeks with this one too!

[FallenOnHardTimes]

Sleepless, I'm so sorry you're going through such a horrible anxious time I know how awful it is when your mind keeps going round in anxious circles.

Please speak to your GP tomorrow with your DH, and also the mental health midwife if you can. Explain to them what you explained to us - that you are experiencing severe antenatal anxiety and have OCD thoughts so distressing that you are considering terminating.

The issue is not whether your baby has been harmed (it has not). The issue is that you have really bad antenatal anxiety, as you know. Please don't terminate for that reason, as it is perfectly treatable. It is likely that none of the medical professionals that you have spoken to have understood how unwell you are. Make it clear to them and ask for help.

It will all be ok, honestly, but you just need some help right now to get through this shitty stage. You will NOT always feel this way and, trust me, you will not spend your spend your kid's childhood worrying about FAS. This is the anxiety/OCD speaking.

[HazleNutt]

My sister was just 19 and didn't know she was pregnant until she was 20 weeks gone. She had numerous parties, including girls' weekends abroad in Magaluf-type of places. My niece is perfectly healthy and very smart.

Most people, unless they're TTC and therefore testing, would have no idea they're even pregnant at 16-18 DPO and would live as they normally do, including drinking.

But as others have said, try to talk to a specialist about your anxiety.

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

I drank like a fish in the early stages of my pregnancy, I had no idea I was pregnant. Obviously I stopped as soon as I found out. Dd was and is fine, better than fine, she was an amazing baby and is a wonderful little girl. There is so much scaremongering and control from the state regarding pregnancy, no wonder you're concerned. Honestly, the baby will be fine.

[wigglylines]

There is a very real issue here, but the issue is your anxiety not your pregnancy.

Take steps and ask for help.to deal with the anxiety, not the pregnancy.

Your anxiety is the real risk to your baby, not the booze.

I'm sorry you feel like this

[auntpetunia]

Lady I know didn't find out until she was 20+ weeks she'd had Christmas new year and strong antibiotics her dd was born absolutely fine and totally gorgeous she's 14 now and top of her year.

[Saltedcaramel2014]

I'm sorry to hear about how you've been feeling.

It might be hard to see now, but the fact that you care so much about the wellbeing of your baby is a sign that you have what it takes to be a good mother, not a bad one. Your want to do everything right. You still can, a few drinks won't ruin that. But - because of your anxiety - you will need help. Everyone needs some kind of help during pregnancy/new motherhood. No one does everything perfectly. Anxiety is so tough, it's like a sponge that will soak up whatever information it needs to make you feel bad - so, as others have said, please don't google and listen instead to what the doctors have said.

If you've decided you don't want a child/can't cope - then that's one thing. But if you feel you're not good enough/you've messed up - it's not true. Your internal voice might be telling you that - but try and listen to all the other voices here telling you - you and your baby, with some professional emotional support, will be OK.

[Hippymama1]

I thought from implantation on blood stream shared and after first two weeks dpo embryo vulnerable to irrevocable harm as cells started to specialise?

Sleepless you NEVER share a bloodstream with your baby. That is what the placenta is for - it is like a filter where you drop stuff off and the baby picks it up and vice versa - you never share a blood stream which is why babies are born with different blood groups to their mothers.

The baby has a little yolk sac for nutrition right up until the placenta takes over and the yolk sac comes from inside the egg - not from you... This is why people are telling you not to worry about the alcohol - it can't have got into the baby as you were not sharing a bloodstream of even a placenta at that stage.

Honestly lovely - I might not have done a very good job of explaining this and I am sure some other wise poster or our GP / midwife can do a much better job for you - this is the truth...

Your anxiety is doing this to you... And the pregnancy hormones. Please keep talking here and seek help in RL. Big hugs to you. x

[StaceyAndTracey]

Please read fallen on hard times post and do what she says

[fleamadonna]

god, I DEPLORABLY reckless before I knew I was upduffed.

ds just had his 1 year review and scored perfectly. hv said she's never seen better scores.

phew!

[nicecomfymat]

You need to get some proper help. Pregnancy and parenthood involve a lot of scares and everyone makes mistakes. I don't know any parent that hasn't bumped their baby's head. Turned their back and they've fallen off the chair. And yes, drank,while pregnant. As your docs have said, the chances of your baby being harmed are tiny. Having a baby is a massive loss of control. You won't be able to protect it from all harm and pain and you won't get everything right. I'm a massive perfectionist and really struggled with letting go of the idea of do everything right.

Please get some proper help with your mental health. You sound extremely anxious and a termination is a huge irrevocable decision. I'm deliberately not commenting on whet you should do as it is absolutely your choice. But please don't decide without appropriate help.

[Justusemyname]

I really hope you have a wonderful outcome, OP.

Parenthood is one end of worry from day to day. You're just getting practice in! I'm not being flippant or dismissing your fears. They seem very real to you. Please listen to the many posters who have done the same as you, and doctors who advise all will be well, and enjoy being pregnant.

Think about if this was your only chance of a baby. Would you still terminate? That is an actual reality that could be true.

[BlueStringPudding]

I also drank a similar amount at a similar stage of pregnancy, due to not realising I was pregnant, as well as going on a ride 'not suitable for pregnant women' at DisneyLand. I remember feeling terribly guilty and anxious that I could have harmed the baby.

DD's now almost 18 and is wonderful. She's not perfect, but who is? She is healthy, fairly academic (AAAA in her AS levels last year), so I have no reason to think that I inadvertently caused her harm.

It's impossible to raise a child without making mistakes, and it can be difficult to get them into perspective. It's easy to get overly anxious, but with help you should be able to overcome your fears.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[Branleuse]

your baby will be fine, but i think you need to talk to someone about your anxiety x

[OgreIt]

I experienced extreme anxiety in one of my pregnancies (to the point of fantasising about abortion or miscarriage) so really feel for you. It is a living hell. That pregnancy did end in a miscarriage and I subsequently became very depressed as a result. I really urge you to do everything you can to get help for the anxiety. Refuse to leave the doctor without help that satisfies you. I've also had a termination in the past and while it was certainly the right decision at the time, the fact that I made that choice is always with me. I live with it always, along with the two pregnancies I've lost through miscarriage and the two babies I've had. I fear terminating this pregnancy would be something you would struggle to live with. Please, please don't do anything this week until you've exhausted every possible avenue for support. Antenatal anxiety and depression are real conditions and I think that is what you are facing.

It probably won't reassure you, but I'm currently beside my sleeping four month old ds2. I realised I was pregnant with him on the car ride home from a very boozy weekend touring a wine region. So far he's fine. Perhaps one day he won't be, but for now he is amazing. There are no guarantees for any of us that our children will be born healthy, that they will remain well, that they will live into adulthood, that we won't mess then up (we almost certainly will!). That's the agonising thing being a parent. The terror of the multitude of ways your child may come to harm, many of which would be a result of a mistake on your part as their parent. You made a mistake drinking when you didn't realise you were pregnant. It was a mistake. You can't change it but you can try to seek help to ease your anxiety and allow yourself to forgive yourself. There is help out there; please don't give up until you find it.

[FannyFernackapan]

The drinking is a red herring completely and the 'same' side of your brain knows this. The baby is fine- but you're not.

You have crippling anxiety issues and sound very unwell. Please get urgent help