Can't bear this anymore, is termination at 15 16 weeks just going to make it all worse?

[Sleeplessinnorthlondon]

I'm going to delete my profile soon as so ashamed of all of what's happened but desperate for any advice anyone can offer. In summary, conceived when thought couldn't, just about to start ivf, and didn't know. Had two different due dates from different scans but looks like could have drunk heavily 16, 17 and 18 dpo. Stopped as soon as found out but can't shake the guilt despite doctors all telling me it would probably be fine. Would never have terminated for downs or any condition the child was going to have anyway, but cannot bear idea of having spoilt life chances of child that would have been healthy through stupidity. Tried counselling, midwife, friends, all been so kind but can't shake terror and guilt and suspect will never shift and will be terrible mother when born as so anxious and guilty. Just can't bear any of this any more, none of the help I've tried to access is working and Marie stopes have said they can organise an abortion this week. Will mean hurting friends, family and above all darling darling husband but he has said will support me if it's the only way forward. So so desolate and terrified, everyone around me saying this is mental health issue not physical and probably right but in no state to bring child into the world like this anyway. Has anyone been in the same boat? Did the termination help or make it worse? Please help me.

I can't see that there is anything that anyone can say here which is going to make you feel better.

I think you do have some awareness that this is a mental health issue and not a pregnancy issue. Your mental health sounds extremely precarious and I'm really not convinced that, having had an abortion, you're going to feel any better. You will simply exchange guilt feelings regarding the drinking for guilt about the abortion.

No matter what anyone here says, you will not believe that it is unlikely (very, very unlikely) that you have damaged your baby. The only was you will exorcise these feelings is when your normal, healthy baby is born. If you abort, you will never have that chance to see that your fears are unfounded.

I cannot see abortion being the end of this for you. You will simply feel eaten by guilty over the whole pregnancy and abortion for the rest of your life.

I think you would regret it.

Please get help, you are very unwell.

I am someone who tries never to comment on a womens choice to have an abortion and I do think women should have this choice but honestly op you sound really unwell and I don't think you should be doing this. I think the guilt you will carry will never ever go away and will devastate the rest of your life. I drank unknowingly in early pregnancy with both of my dc's and they are absolutely fine. Please please don't go for that termination

I do want to and have tried to get help. Midwife kind and said if still felt this way at next appt could see mental health midwife. Gp said no reason to worry and in fairness don't think made clear enough how mad I'd really started to feel. Got private counsellor online who was kind but didn't make much difference. Emailed pregnancy anxiety specialists I ahvent heard back from. Going to try gp again tomorrow with dh to see if can get real help of some kind, impact of all this anxiety no doubt equally crap for poor sod in the womb anyway, just feels clear to me sad but only sensible way forward to bring this all to an end.

everyone worries about whether they will be a good mother OP, or at least every good mother does. You will be a great mother, because you care about your child.

Like pp, I drank in early pregnancy, and ate all the 'wrong' things. DS is absolutely fine, and such a joy.

Trust in your own body. Even if you had been drinking, your body will have been filtering the alcohol before it got to the baby.

You poor thing. I accidentally drank in the early stages too - baby absolutely fine and gorgeous.

Isn't it 'unlikely, not impossible' that your baby could also suffer from thousands of other conditions that you've never even thought of, but you wouldn't have a termination because of the remote, remote chance of those? Please seek more help - it sounds like this will me a much loved, much wanted baby. xx

Sleepless, please Listen to me. I am a scientist with a PhD in genetics/development and many years of research under my belt, so I do know what I'm talking about

Drinking, even very heavy drinking at 16/17/18 dpo has NOT harmed your baby. As others have said, at that stage it's all or nothing, and you are now pregnant so you are ok!

The embryo at that stage is not connected to your circulation at all - it gets its nourishment via a completely different route.

Stop looking online ...I'm constantly having to reassure friends who have been scared out of their wits by scaremongering stuff they have read online. The vast majority of health advice online is misleading, if not downright wrong. You are ok! You have NOT done irreparable damage.

Think about it. Millions upon millions of women find they are pregnant after a boozy Xmas season, or a honeymoon with cocktails every day. Or even a massive booze and drugs binge. That isn't what causes the damage - what causes the damage is excessive alcohol intake over time, when the baby is developing key structures , and that's NOT what you've done.

You sound very scared and anxious. You need to get help for your anxiety quickly. I think going for a termination now is going to make you feel much worse. There is no hurry. Take time to think about what you want and please believe me - you have not damaged the pregnancy.

Please talk to your GP and Dh as a matter of urgency. There is a reason that all the doctors have told you it's going to be fine - because it is. Please listen to the professionals, not misleading internet advice.

I am really sorry you are feeling like this. I don't think it is about the alcohol I think this is about anxiety which can happen during pregnancy. Please go to your gp not for counselling but cbt or an evidence based approach for anxiety. I am on my second pregnancy and know how pregnancy can really impact on you and how you feel. Please book an urgent appointment and please don't feel bad for feeling like this. As others have said don't do anything hasty. Good luckx

It won't be an end, sleepless, it'll be the beginning of knowing you terminated your longed for baby, and you'll carry that for the rest of your life.

My friend has just had an absolutely shocking time of it with her midwife. I really think some midwives are beyond useless.

Take your DH and tell them you need specialist help. Your DH needs to be advocating for you and ensuring you get the help you need. Would a scan help?

Is your DH fully aware what you're going through? What does your mum say?

Thanks all of you so much for your help. The pandas people look really good going to try them. Everyone has been kind and going to see what can get from gp or mental health midwife tomorrow, thank you.

Sleepless, I have two children. A birth child who was born after many years subfertility, with a high risk pregnancy in which I was offered termination by the NHS. And an adopted child who was born with neonatal addiction and ?fetal alcohol syndrome. I do understand anxiety about outcomes.

But pregnancy is full of anxiety, and so is parenthood. You have many years ahead of you of children getting ill, taking risks, and probing into your deepest darkest fears. You have to live with risk every single day, and there is no doubt that you (and your family) will find that journey easier if you are as mentally robust and resilient as possible.

Good luck sleepless, please keep posting if it helps x

Really glad you are going to get help. Best of luck to you, Sleepless. Come back and talk to us anytime.

This sounds like pregnancy induced anxiety. I had it with DD, absolutely beside myself in a state of terror. I was totally fine before hand. It is a recognised syndrome, and can be treated with anti depressants. I wad on them for nearly my whole pregnancy. Dd is fine

Definitely see the mental health midwife! Use the help you're offered and remember that caring/worrying doesn't make you a bad parent - not giving a toss makes people bad parents.

I'm sure we'd all love to be zen like models of capability but in my experience most of us just muddle along and do the best we can.

I consider myself an anxious person and pregnancy has definitely made it worse. Use the help you're offered now to try to develop some coping mechanisms, and above all, be kind to yourself. As pps have said, this sounds like it will be a much loved and wanted baby - that's about the best start you can give them :)

I wish you all the best!

Have you looked up information online about antenatal anxiety/depression op?
www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/help-and-information/pre-ante-and-postnatal-illnesses/anxiety.html#.VWMPkkZwbK0
Would you consider phoning Pandas?

Sleepless you poor thing - you are feeling terrible and anxious and panicked and it is an awful way to feel and I can completely understand that you can't currently see any way out of this situation rather than a termination.

My doctor and midwife told me that the baby doesn't actually take anything from your body for the first few weeks - the placenta is not in place and functioning before then - so any alcohol you have consumed could have contributed towards the risk of a miscarriage etc - not damaged your baby with FAS or anything horrid like that.

There is a lot of nonsense on the internet about this subject and a lot of it is designed to make pregnant women feel guilty - the advice varies greatly depending on country too - really, the only advice to rely on is NHS advice and that given by your GP and your midwife.

You say there is 'so much evidence' but how much of this is actual evidence and how much of it is published on some nonsense website by non medical, poorly informed person with their own agenda to push? LOADS. In fact, most of it! You can find 'evidence' on the internet for anything if you look hard enough.

I really feel for you and hope that you can find the help and support you need over the next couple of days to enable you to make some informed decisions.

Pregnancy can be terrifying full stop, without all of these additional worries and anxieties and I really think you need to speak with someone who can help you with your mental health.

There is nothing to be ashamed of and you are not alone - I have had ante-natal depression and treatment for OCD and GAD during my pregnancy - usual symptoms of anxiety etc are exacerbated by the crazy hormones flying around.

I will be thinking of you over the next few days and really hope you can get some help and support to start to ease some of your fears and anxieties.

You sound very poorly lovely and I think you should speak to someone to try to unravel your anxiety issues before you make any big decisions about your baby.

You obviously wanted a baby very much to be about to start IVF. So why now are you thinking of terminating because you did something that millions of others have done, not on purpose.

No Dr will ever tell you that it's 100% safe, but they are telling you that it's extremely unlike to have hurt your baby.

I understand your worries, my pregnancy was not planned and I did drink between what was conception and my finding out. It's a worry but to be honest it's a small worry in the whole heap of them that I get every day now. It's perfectly normal I think that after trying for so long, when it happens you're extra sensitive to all the things that could be harmful.

Please try and get help, I'm sure you will a lovely Mum, no parent is perfect and there is stuff we are told now is okay that 10 years down the line could be deemed crazy. Conception and birth are not exact science.

Listen to all the people on this thread that are trying to help.

Hope you feel better about this soon.

Please get some help.
Coming from someone who has had a termination - don't do it. You will regret it. If you think your mental health is bad now it'll be 100 times worse if you abort a much longed for baby.

I agree that you are very unwell and need to see your GP with your DH.

I think you are in the mindset that you have longed for a baby for so long that you have started to feel it hasn't happened because you don't "deserve" one. And you have convinced yourself that it won't happen for you, that you don't deserve this bit of luck, this natural conception when you are about to start IVF, and that something must go wrong. I think if it wasn't the few drinks, it would have been a bit of brie or pate you ate that would be making you think something will go wrong and it's all your fault. It's quite common (I was like this to a degree with all my pregnancies) BUT if it has got to the stage when you are considering termination it has gone beyond normal anxiety and you need to address it and fast.

(To add my anecdote, my beautiful, wonderful, super-clever DS2 would not even exist if I had not got too pissed to remember to use contraception! And seeing as how he was unplanned and I didn't know I was pg I certainly did not hold back on the alcohol for the next few weeks until I knew.)

Hi sleepless
Just wanted to say that you need to lay the cards on the table when you see the GP and midwife. Tell them how desperate you are feeling. I suspect they don't realise how terrified you are. Antenatal anxiety is horrible but it's very common. Check out PANDAS or maternal OCD website. Your thoughts are running away with you and it must be exhausting. You are not on your own but try to access the right treatment first and then you can make your final decision. You could even try a private therapist for an initial consultation if you need something NOW. I really do wish you all the very best

I was told I would never be able to have children. DP was fine we accepted and moved in with our lives. Over the Christmas period three years ago we partied. I drank heavily.

Very heavily. When I felt as shitty as I did I put it down to the . Turns out it was actually the first trimester. When I found out I was pregnant I stopped drinking immediately. Spoke to the consultant and midwife and had various tests and scans.

Everything was fine. Five months later DS was born, perfect in every way with no health problems. I was 18 weeks when I found out. The only symptoms I had I put down to partying.

Baby will be fine, but I understand your turmoil and decision.

For you.

Keep sending messages before seen others posted!!! skiptonlass - I thought from implantation on blood stream shared and after first two weeks dpo embryo vulnerable to irrevocable harm as cells started to specialise? I do know that to be a parent I need to get this into check but generally not anxious, friends, family all keep telling me will be amazing mum as so calm and cheerful and normally am but just feel like such an utter fraud when they say that as they don't know the truth. Mum has been kind too, came to doctors with me and dh when they reassured me about all this, just can't shake fear and feeling that something really is wrong. Also, it won't necessarily be evidence at birth so terrified will be watching the poor thing all the time for signs I've harmed it which will make the kid anxious and unhappy too. Just all feels like recipe for utter nightmare for kid and wider family.

Sleepless the depth in which you're analysing this isn't healthy.

The first thing I did on the day I found I was pregnant was take 2 paracetamol for my hangover . I wasn't the first, I won't be the last, it's completely usual and ordinary and normal. People drink, people get pregnant. If it was that easy to damage your baby there would be an awful lot more damaged children in this world. Needless to say dd is perfect .

Please contact Pandas and tell your mum and your DH exactly how bad you are feeling so they can watch out for you.

Do not have a termination. That is not what you want.

You want this baby so much that you are desperately afraid you have harmed him/her. The placenta would not even have been properly formed to pass the alcohol onto the baby when you actually were drinking.

Thousands of women drink before they know they are pregnant.

You have anxiety. Everybody worries about their baby - you just need to get it under control somehow. Ask your GP for help with anxiety and definitely don't terminate a baby you desperately want. You sound so frightened but try to keep in mind that pregnancy messes with your hormones and can heighten anxiety. And that the baby will be born in a few months and the hormones will go away.

It's perfectly normal to be afraid of something going wrong, I think it's healthy to be realistic, I'm terrified of my first scan.

If you were fine before this, then chances are this is caused by your hormones going mental so you won't necessarily feel like this when your baby is born and for right now I'm sure you can get help to get you through the pregnancy.