Can't bear this anymore, is termination at 15 16 weeks just going to make it all worse?

[Sleeplessinnorthlondon]

I'm going to delete my profile soon as so ashamed of all of what's happened but desperate for any advice anyone can offer. In summary, conceived when thought couldn't, just about to start ivf, and didn't know. Had two different due dates from different scans but looks like could have drunk heavily 16, 17 and 18 dpo. Stopped as soon as found out but can't shake the guilt despite doctors all telling me it would probably be fine. Would never have terminated for downs or any condition the child was going to have anyway, but cannot bear idea of having spoilt life chances of child that would have been healthy through stupidity. Tried counselling, midwife, friends, all been so kind but can't shake terror and guilt and suspect will never shift and will be terrible mother when born as so anxious and guilty. Just can't bear any of this any more, none of the help I've tried to access is working and Marie stopes have said they can organise an abortion this week. Will mean hurting friends, family and above all darling darling husband but he has said will support me if it's the only way forward. So so desolate and terrified, everyone around me saying this is mental health issue not physical and probably right but in no state to bring child into the world like this anyway. Has anyone been in the same boat? Did the termination help or make it worse? Please help me.

"Giving today a really good go, appt in an hr and therapy again this evening."

Good for you Sleepless :)

The way to get through this is not to terminate, as that will make the guilt stay with you for a long time.

The way to get through this is to cope being pregnant and anxious one day at a time. It will not be forever I promise!

Deal with the anxiety the best way you can.

Didn't you say upthread keeping busy helped?

What have you got planned this week to keep busy?

Could you try to get an appointment as an emergency with your local GP today or tomorrow? Most of them will see you and sign you up on the same day...

Are you still seeing your therapist and everyone else? You didn't get removed from their lists as well as your GP did you?

I really hope your hospital has a dedicated perinatal mental health midwife / person... It makes things more difficult to access services without having a GP.

Keep us posted on your appointments today and this evening - there are so many people behind you willing you to succeed. x

Good stuff Sleepless, one step at a time

Think have had too much planned and now that's why am so tired so much of the time. I do worry about the guilt but weighing it up against the guilt for years of child I'll be watching for years for having problems, fearing am dirivng self and kid crazy in the proccess feels so so much worse. People have abortions at this stage, it's unusual, no one would choose to, but I'm not sure it's as irresponsible a choice as bringing a child into the world with a mother who has issues this serious. Would never, ever be easy choice, my heart is breaking, but unless today goes well think increasingly will be right one.

The way to get through this is not to terminate, as that will make the guilt stay with you for a long time.

I agree with this completely.

Please don't have an abortion if this is the only reason you feel you need to. Let me tell you a story about my little one, we had been trying for 5 months so I have no excuse for getting so drunk.

Anyway, I went to a Christmas night out (a very very rowdy one), drank for 9 hours straight, I slipped and lost my footing and fell backwards down a flight of stairs. Massive hangover for 3 days, then a week later, Christmas day, I was drinking again.....wine, sherry, cocktails. My period was due Boxing day, I got my bfp the next day.
I have a bouncing almost 4 year old and there is not a thing wrong with him.

Sorry, I haven't read the full thread so massive apologies if I've missed anything major.

Sleepless I have had a termination.

The guilt was horrendous, but more than that it fundametally changed the way I saw the world and my place in it, i'm a bad way, and one I couldn't possibly have understood beforehand.

Also becoming has changed the way i see world and my place in it, for good, and in ways I couldn't possibly have understood beforehand.

When you think of being a mother your anxieties are clouding the picture. But there are so many other wonderful aspects of being a mother you can't appreciate right now!
I'm not saying it'll be easy, that would be untrue, but it will be rewarding in ways you can't imagine right now, and won't be dominated by thoughts about drink. That is what you're going through now.

By the time you're a mother things will have moved on.

But if you terminate you'll rusk never really moving on.

Please don't weight up one type of guilt you have never experienced with another you have also never experienced. Both scenarios are imaginary, they are in yoyr head, they are not reality.

That should say in a bad way not I'm a bad way

One step at a time is good.

Today does NOT need to be perfect. If today goes well, badly, indifferently this really says nothing about whether you should terminate. They just have nothing to do with eachother.

Not feeling better/less anxious is not a sign therapy isn't right, or isn't working.

If you had a physical illness, you wouldn't expect to feel better as soon as you popped the first pill.

It may be that the professionals around you are not taking this as seriously as it needs to be taken.

What did your midwife say?

You urgently need a GP if you don't have one. This is too serious not to have a team around you.

Arg! Sorry my post above has typos which makes it hard to read. I'm typing quickly on my phone.

It should say ...

"Also becoming a mother has changed the way i see world and my place in it, for good, and in ways I couldn't possibly have understood beforehand."

I'm so sorry you're in a very dark place right now. It must be terrifying. I can't offer you anything if I'm honest other than I hope if you do decide to have an abortion that your decision brings you peace & not further despair. It is indeed a huge decision for any women to have to think about. You're very much in my thoughts. X

Hi Sleepless, I'm glad to hear you're pursuing more help. You mentioned the CBT making you worse, not all therapies are right for every circumstance, but also all therapy is definitely a process which will be tough and may feel worse before you feel better. It's good you're being honest as I think this is the only way of matching the help with your needs.

I just also wanted to add that, though your feelings are extreme because you're not well there is an element of the anxiety with all us pregnant ladies. I seem to have a different fear every week and always imagine if I get to the next milestone in my mind I'll feel better and really I don't I just worry about something else. None of us know if everything will be okay and no doctor or professional can say with 100% certainty if it will, we can only do what we can and remain hopeful. All this concern is part of caring for your unborn baby and the beginning of your love and bond with them. Please try to be kind to yourself. I hope you are feeling better soon.

Sleepless you need to try medication before you consider termination for the sake of this baby.
Antidepressants may just lift your anxiety enough to make you see that you will make a great mother and your future is positive.
You said the professor was reassuring. What did he actually say that you considered to be reassuring?

weighing it up against the guilt for years of child I'll be watching for years for having problems, fearing am driving self and kid crazy in the process feels so so much worse. People have abortions at this stage, it's unusual, no one would choose to, but I'm not sure it's as irresponsible a choice as bringing a child into the world with a mother who has issues this serious.

You won't be watching your child for years for issues - once you have been successfully treated you will not feel this way. You will be watching your child grow up.

You won't be driving your kid crazy - once you have been successfully treated you will not feel this way and will be driving them crazy for other reasons like not tidying their room, or doing their homework.

You do not have "issues this serious" you have a manageable, treatable mental health condition which needs to be sorted out at the moment. When it has been sorted out you will not have any issues at all!

Please re-read my post from earlier - I felt exactly the same as you about my baby and my husband and I am telling you that there is light at the end of the tunnel. x

Reading this thread is heartbreaking, sleeplessinnorthlondon. I have OCD and it got worse during my pregnancy. I have had intrusive thoughts all my life and it was not until I was in my late twenties that I was diagnosed and treated for OCD. Then I became pregnant with a much wanted baby and my OCD went off the scale. I was a wreck and literally afraid of my own brain and what it was doing to me- I felt like I was at war with myself.

If you terminate this pregnancy you will not be better. It will not make the feelings go away. In fact the drop in hormones once the pregnancy is gone may cause you to get worse- I was warned of this. You must go back to your GP with your posts from this thread printed out and explain that you are not in control of your intrusive thoughts and catastrophic thinking anymore and that it is causing you to want to hurt yourself. I broke down and cried at my GP when I was 25 weeks, and told her that my catastrophic thinking and catastrophising was taking over my whole life and causing me to not sleep, eat or be able to leave the house. I was treated swiftly and well by the NHS once I was honest with my GP. Within days of therapy starting and a low dose of an antidepressant I felt like a different person.

You want this baby. The OCD wants the abortion. Do not let the OCD win.

sleepless really really don't underestimate the guilt.
I was in tears writing in that and its 30 yrs later.
A life time of guilt and regret because I couldn't face up to my responsibilities, the responsibility to make a choice. I stuck my head in sand and did it - I was running away because I was afraid of the fall out. I am ashamed of that.
You are running away from an irrational fear. You do on some level know it is irrational. You will have guilt of knowing that. And you can't go back and be braver. Handle things differently.
Very few women have an abortion and forget about it. None who are not 100% sure they are doing the right thing - and you aren't. And there will be constant reminders -children you see etc.

When your mind is clearer, pregnancy hormones gone, you will know that you didn't do anything wrong by drinking before you could have known. You didn't actually do anything that thousands of others haven't done.
Can you take your DH or a friend along to see the Dr with you? - you have to make them see that you need real help, now.

Sleepless I am going to be blunt,

If you think your feeling are bad now I'm willing to bet it will be torture on a level you cannot imagine if you have an abortion.

How will you cope with having a relationship with your friends who have babies due at the same time? Every time you see them it will be a reminder of what you have lost. How will you continue the relationship with your husband? Would he want to continue with IVF after this?

The grief from a termination of a wanted baby can be immense. And dealing with the fact that you caused it can be absolutely unbearable.

Please, please don't do that to yourself, or to your husband - any termination is bound to have an affect on him too.

It is like a horrific, self-fulfilling prophecy that you're scared of feelings of guilt but your "remedy" is the one thing sure to make that guilt 1000 times worse and stay with you for a very long time.

Please listen to those who have been in similar positions. The remedy to this is to find ways to get through this pregnancy and come out of it the other side, and start a positive future as loving new family.

The alternative is just too bleak. If you have a termination under these circumstances, given what you have told us, it will not be a solution, it will make things worse.

• you're

Sleepless when I had my original mental health crisis I had just moved to a new city and had no GP either . I used the NHS website to find the three closest GPs to my house . The first one I rang had a snotty receptionist who, when I told her that I believed I was having a mental health crisis just told me that the process to register took two weeks. But the second one put me on hold and got the GP. And the GP cleared her schedule and saw me immediately, even though I wasn't registered.

Ring a local GP and explain that you need help really urgently as your pregnancy has triggered very severe anxiety and OCD (diagnosed), and you are having strong obsessive thoughts about terminating a planned pregnancy to protect the baby from you. You may get unlucky first try like I did, but not being registered is not the complete wall in the way of doing this that you think.

Great advice from sianihedgehog

They wont just hand you a pill and this will all be over. You are completely delusional here, you will have to give birth to a baby that is perfectly healthy and you are far from healthy. How can you think this is the answer?

If you think you this distraught now, after having a few drinks before you even knew you were pregnant, then you have no idea what you are about to do and terminating is going to be a huge mistake. have you considered holding on to the baby for a few more weeks and then give it to someone else when its born if you don't want it this much?

Can you go and check yourself in somewhere, your thoughts are completely out of control.

3luckystars Not helpful.

I hope that if you are ever unfortunate enough to find yourself in a state like this that no-one responds to you with something as heartless as "Can you go and check yourself in somewhere, your thoughts are completely out of control."

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say 3stars.... what a douche.

I am sorry if you find them unhelpful, I really think she needs urgent help today for her thoughts. Whatever she decides to do, I think she needs to talk everything through with someone first.
We have places here that you can turn up and just check in for counselling, that is what she needs in my opinion. I just hope she gets through this time, as I mentioned up the thread my best friend went through something almost exactly the same and she got through it but she needed a lot of help.

I am so sorry OP if I sounded uncaring, I had a miscarriage a few days ago so my own thinking is clouded. I am so sorry and I hope you get some peace soon, nobody deserves what you are going through, I just hope you get the right help and am so mad that man emailed you and has set you back.

Very best wishes to you OP.

3luckystars I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage and I hope you have plenty of help and support around you.