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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Mum wants to come to scan partner says NO!

182 replies

Tia2005 · 21/03/2015 22:41

I'm 32 just sayin . My mum wants to come to my next scan 20 weeks ? My partner says no it should just be the two of us I can't see the problem he's gone off on one is it just me I can't see a problem with it

OP posts:

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OwlCapone · 22/03/2015 08:22

No it's in response to it's both their baby actually.

So it isn't both their baby?

Mehitabel6 · 22/03/2015 08:23

I wouldn't want my MIL there so I can sympathise with DP not wanting his MIL in what should be a private moment- or wanting a private viewing as if it is an art exhibition!

THEworrywart · 22/03/2015 08:23

I didn't say that did I, but I personally think the one bearing the baby has more say.

THEworrywart · 22/03/2015 08:24

OP I don't know if you've said but is this your first child/your mothers first grandchild?

RhiannonElward · 22/03/2015 08:24

I didn't realise how weird I am! We invited both DM and DMIL to scans, we were very much allowed, in fact in both instances the sonographer has been very welcoming to the grandmother and this is NHS. We're close families though and I'm glad to say that we were happy to include people that it meant a great deal to, especially for DMIL because we're the only ones to give her grandchildren. Her daughter, DSIL doesn't want children so I wanted DMIL to be involved, she's lovely, and it wasn't weird at all.

I'm considering a private scan this time around also, because I want DC1 and DC2 to be as prepared for little one as possible so would take them along. We would probably invite DM and DMIL too.

GladysTheGolem · 22/03/2015 08:27

OP, I recognised your username and had a hunt for why, is this the same partner you posted about a few weeks ago having split up with him?

If he/this relationship are so flakey I'd ask my mum to be at the scan just so you've got someone who will def be there.

AuntieStella · 22/03/2015 08:27

Scans are medical procedures which tell you about the health of your baby.

For some women, the news is devastating. That is why it's normal to have someone with you; the person you'd turn to in times of crisis/bereavement.

If you'd rather have your DM than your DP, that is your choice (if it's one supporter only, the other will have to wait outside in most units).

But I can see why your DP wouldn't like that (he may know that only one supporter is allowed, feel excluded, and know that you don't really want him).

OwlCapone · 22/03/2015 08:28

I didn't say that did I, but I personally think the one bearing the baby has more say.

Only in things that actually affect her body. An ultrasound scan doesn't. It is a procedure for the baby, not the mother.

OwlCapone · 22/03/2015 08:30

For some women, the news is devastating

And the fathers just brush it off...? seriously??

ChopperGordino · 22/03/2015 08:30

OP your mum wants to be there and your partner wants to be there. Who do YOU want to be there with you?

Gemerama · 22/03/2015 08:31

This reply has been deleted

This poster has privacy concerns, so we've agreed to remove this now.

AuntieStella · 22/03/2015 08:31

x-ed with Gladys

If there is a backstory to this (sorry, don't remember earlier threads) and you have a history of recent break ups, then I can see why you woukd turn to someone else for the difficult times. He might well still feel bad (as I said in my previous post) plus of course that would be compounded by knowing (though not necessarily acknowledging) he'd brought it on himself.

THEworrywart · 22/03/2015 08:32

It's for the baby and mother - complications involving the baby involve the mothers body.

OwlCapone · 22/03/2015 08:38

No they don't. They complications affect the baby only. Things required as a result of those complications affect the mothers body, which is a different scenario.

Finding out whether your baby is healthy is something for the parents. Mother and father.

OwlCapone · 22/03/2015 08:40

It's a standard ultrasound, not an invasive internal examination.

worriedmum100 · 22/03/2015 08:40

I had two 12 week scans (one NHS one private). My mum came to the NHS one and DP came to the private one which was far more detailed and included discussion of Harmony test results etc. It saved DP having to take more time off work.

My mum was very touched I asked her. She would not have invited herself though.

DP had no issue with it. He might not be able to make the 20 week scan in which case I'll take my mum. We are very close though and my parents have the knack of being there for us and helpful without being overbearing.

I think if you partner feels strongly about the NHS scan I would respect that. However I agree with pps that I would find it controlling for him to "ban" me from taking my mum to a separate private scan.

OwlCapone · 22/03/2015 08:43

I find it quite depressing that either of my sons might end up with a woman who thinks his feeling are irrelevant and worthless.

GymBum · 22/03/2015 08:43

THEworrywart. I didn't want my MIL coming to any of our private scans either. DD was our PFB and I wanted DH and I to share all those precious as I saw them moments prior to her birth alone. I didn't want anyone else intruding on that. So I can completely see where Ops DP is coming from.

ApocalypseThen · 22/03/2015 08:52

My husband was the only one with me at my hospital scans but today I'm having a private 3d/4d scan and my parents will come too. When I - not my baby crazed, lunatic, overbearing, possessive mother - suggested it, of course my husband didn't forbid it because I'm an adult and I can do what I like. Plus, he's actually got no problem with my parents.

It's going to be a nice day. I'm advanced enough now to know the baby doesn't have any health problems that would show on a scan so we won't be getting bad news that we should hear alone. We're having lunch and chat and seeing the baby without medical overtones. I've been looking forward to it for months.

THEworrywart · 22/03/2015 08:56

Owl - no actually that's not true, my cousin when she went for her 20 weeks scan was told that if she continues with the birth she could bleed out or haemorrhage at any time, so yeah you can be told complications with the mother at a 20 week scan and she wanted her mum and partner there incase of complications.

VikingVolva · 22/03/2015 08:59

'No they don't. They complications affect the baby only. Things required as a result of those complications affect the mothers body, which is a different scenario'

This is not true. Abdominal tumours are sometimes discovered. As are 'jointly owned' issues affecting the placent.

changingagain · 22/03/2015 09:09

I think it's very easy for the Dad to feel excluded from pregnancy in general. It's his baby but, apart from supporting you, he has very little involvement until the baby arrives. I think it's perfectly reasonable for him to want to keep all scans between the two of you as it reinforces that the new family unit is you, him and the baby.

Obviously it is you who is pregnant and when it comes down to it, your opinions and wishes take priority. If you want your DM there for your own reasons then she should be. However if it is between the opinions and wishes of your DP and your DM, then DP's should always be of more importance when it comes to the baby. It is his child, not your DM's.

However, this is just my opinion, and it's based on you and DP having a healthy and supportive relationship.

Gemerama · 22/03/2015 09:11

This reply has been deleted

This poster has privacy concerns, so we've agreed to remove this now.

basgetti · 22/03/2015 09:13

Finding out whether your baby is healthy is something for the parents. Mother and father.

So should ex partners have the right to attend scans against the mother's wishes?

GymBum · 22/03/2015 09:18

So should ex partners have the right to attend scans against the mother's wishes?

As long as there was no abuse in the relationship then I think a father that wants to be involved in his child's life should be allowed to go to scans. Just because his relationship with the mother ends doesn't mean his relationship with his child should end too. A woman refusing to allow a father to be involved in his child's life without very good reason other than she's pissed they split is very selfish, controlling and wrong IMO.

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