Helpful things you wish you had known before labour/birth?

[RL20]

I'm 35 weeks and although I posted last week, I'm still terrified at the though of going into labour and giving birth! At the beginning it's almost as if brith seems like a lifetime away. I've got to come to terms with the fact that it's not very long away at all, now!
So not needing full birth stories really, and I'm aware that every birth is different!
But any advice on things you found helpful during labour, or things you wish you'd had, is greatly recieved! Thanks

My first labour turned me from a usually quiet, polite lady into a shouty sweary beast, but that was my way of coping. You become incredibly focused on pushing, and I have no knowledge of anything else that happened! DH was shocked, but we laugh about it still!

That point when you are just about to give up, that's the moment just before you baby is born, so summon up every teeny tiny bit of strength you have and give one good long push.

It absolutely fucking hurts like a sodding fucking bastard, other than severe toothache, I've never felt anything like it, my whole body was in pain (I wasn't allowed an epidural, but that's another rant). If you want pain relief, ask. Again and again, until you get it and you are more comfortable. There are no medals for suffering unnecessarily. Also, if it doesn't go according to the plan you had in your head when you arrived, that's ok. You can feel sad about it, but don't let the feeling that you missed out on something consume you.

Also, this thread is awesome, DD2 is due imminently and its reminded me of things I had forgotten!

Thanks again everyone. Have read the latest comments, it's been very hard to keep up with this thread now!
I think I'm generally feeling a bit better about labour and birth now, which was my whole point of the thread.
I hope it has helped some of you as well!
Don't get me wrong, I'm always going to be scared of the unknown of course, but it's been nice to hear lots of different stories and tips for afterwards!
Thank you

I wish I had known that my first labour would go pretty smoothly and by the book and then i wish I'd have known that my second would be almost exactly the same better even, would have saved me from worrying both times. good luck

for my first I wished I had known that :

• it's ok to be petrified. It is scary, not exactly pleasant, and once started, you can't pull out. But you will manage, and as the doctor told me " the baby always comes out eventually " ( sounds stupid but it helped me stay rational )
• there's no such thing as a "by the book" labour. yours won't be the same as your mum/friend/neighbour and not as your midwife says. Oh no.
• the phases described by others might not apply to you. I never had any "early" or "pre" labour. waters leaking middle of the night, mild pains, gradually and regularly getting stronger. Push, out.
• if something/someone makes you feel wrong, say so. I didn't like the 3rd midwife I had for my 1rst labour, and the labour stopped during her entire shift. Started again as soon as she told me she was finished ( she noticed and told me about it ). I went through 4 teams in the end.
• pain relief works differently for different people. I had an epidural for my first, very early on ( 2.5 cm ) because I was hysterical and litterally banging my head on the tiled walls. it slowed down the labour massively. Without it, I would have given birth at 11am, not 11pm, according to the midwife. I didn't know what was going on, didn't even feel contractions, didn't feel like pushing. No pain, that's for sure but nothing else either.
• self hypnosis does work but I'm not sure I would have realised that for my first. I used it for my 2nd and had a 3h labour, no pain relief, no examination by midwives ( they had no idea I was that far gone until I yelled at them to come quickly ). It was a life saver. I used NatalHypnotherapy CDs. Felt like I had climbed the Everest, unlike my first labour where I felt like I'd been run over by a bus.
• it's ok to stand on all 4rs, bum in the air, to want to be on your own, to grunt or act strangely. The midwives have seen it all, it helps you, it's fine, honestly no one cares
• no every mother has milk, not every baby wants naturally to be breastfed. FACT. But the official line doesnt' acknowledge it. Until you've been through it, felt like a failure and a midwife/HV tells you that, indeed, it doesn't always work. I had no milk whatsoever for my 1rst, the milking machine I hired for a month did nothing at all, the baby turned his head away every single time. ( He's a 15 yr old rubgyman, over 6 ft tall now ). The second one was a bit better but I never had enough milk anyway ( runs in the family, maternal line, I learnt later on )

you will be fine, it's your story, you will be proud and relive it for months afterwards, like a battle story. It's a hell of a rite of passage, and the prize is fantastic :)

Thanks both.
Duchess I love the little quote you put at the end there!

Ooh one more that I found helpful both times. After every contraction I said to myself "That's one closer to the end. That one's never coming back." Helped massively.

Duchess is right. This will be your story - no matter how this baby arrives, allow yourself to feel proud afterwards. You deserve it.

I don't know, my contractions did feel like really bad period pains (my periods were normally painful to the point I could not get out of bed without painkillers). After enduring contractions for several hours, I was exhausted and asked for an epidural and after that, it was completely painless. Remember you have the right to ask for it and sometimes it works a dream. I didn't have any side or after effects, even though it was put in by an inexperienced junior doctor (supervised by a consultant, they do have to learn sometime so I was fine with it). In the end, every birth is different and the main thing is to keep an open mind and not feel you are somehow 'failing' if you ask for more than gas and air.

I loved three things: Frozen small juice cartons (you get hot and thirsty). My own pillow from home and our own music in a playlist. It also helped to remember that is is a process our body is designed for and you don't actually need to do much, except manage your pain in whatever way works for you. I came to realise the plan isn't really the plan. More of a wish list so don't get hung up on it.

Ok vanity post now. I had a few beauty treatments before going into labour, removed every scrap of body hair (midwives found that hilarious but mum had mentioned dry shaving) and applied labour proof makeup. I looked great, even after 36 hours. Okay maybe not great, but human at least.

verity In early labour with DC1 I hopped in the shower and had full shave, did my eyebrows, facial treatment, used naice body oils, treated hair and put into a neat bun for practical reasons. It made me feel much better!

Granted, throughout labour I did, at various times, have massive whoosh waters go all over my legs and feet, vomited (again on my legs and feet), pee'd myself and poo'd myself, plus all the blood and sweat. And yet, being smooth and having nice hair still made me feel good

One thing I didn't know was that your waters could go without starting off any contractions - I don't think it's common but it happened to me and if I'd realised it was a thing I might have felt a little more prepared! Totally agree with those who've made the point that labours are different for everyone, and in my experience the same person can have very different experiences with different babies. Would recommend www.amazon.co.uk/Birth-Skills-Proven-pain-management-techniques/dp/0091922143 - although I didn't use all the techniques, the principles made me feel much more confident second time around. The author is very clear that there is no hierarchy of 'right' birth experiences, and that her techniques should be of use for all kinds of births.

I am a community midwife and a mum and I agree with all the suggestions and advice. Positive attitude, staying calm , staying in control, are key factors. Re the breathing: - we all know how to breathe in, what we tend to forget when stressed is to breathe out. That causes hyperventilation which leads to loss of controlFocus on the out breath, count if it helps and make your out breath take longer than your in breath. Ask your birthing partner to count for you if it helps. There comes a point when you need to focus inwards- sometimes just putting a towel over your head and shutting out the distractions can work really well. Hypnobirthing techniques are fantastic.
Also, it will take as long as it takes- don't attempt to speed things along in the early stages by not resting if you need to, or walking around constantly. It won't make it happen any quicker, you will just be worn out before it has really got going.Pace yourself- labour is rarely a sprint! Good luck. It will be amazing.

First labours can happen quickly - our NCT classes banged on about going for a walk, doing your ironing etc in early stages of labour whereas I woke at 6am having contractions every 4 minutes while my husband looked at books and told me to calm down because they were just Braxton Hicks - 2 hours later I was in hospital 6 cm dilated! Also take loads of isotonic sports drinks - I had 2 while I was pushing (for neArly 3 terrifying hours) and could have drunk double that

Contractions hurt more than pushing a baby out.

The noise you make is involuntary and a kind of spontaneous reaction.

"Contractions hurt more than pushing a baby out."

Really? I found the contractions painful, but not as painful as pushing out the babies! I found pushing them out the worst stage as the head is crowning (then I tore).

Posts are great and just show how variable it can be and you don't know what you're going to experience until you get there. So, for me gas and air was the life saver for others it just makes them sick. The best advice therefore is to realise there is no "right" way to do it but just "your" way. Nobody else has had this baby so take what feels right and throw the other advice away.

One thing I really wish I'd known, however, is that the baby's head is squishy because the flesh is cushioning the bones as it pushes its way out. So when the midwife put my hand down to feel the baby's head I expected a hard skull and got a mushy mess. I was convinced that my baby was going to be skull less and her brains were spilling out.

When I had my second and the midwife asked if I wanted to feel the head she got a very loud "no".

Good luck. It can't be that bad as so many of us do it again!

blowinahoolie Yes...me and my friends are divided on the contractions vs pushing thing. For me, i find contractions really intense and no relief/let up. I find the pushing really relieving. Perhaps it is so painful that my adrenaline kicks in and I don't really feel it. But for me, definitely find contractrations 100 times more unbearable !

Thanks again everyone.
Wow about the squishy head part, dewdneyk!
Jaykay, yes I'm also dreading the contractions!!

I don't remember the pushing bit hurting at all (but was off my face in gas and air) I hated it though as you have no control over what your body is doing, not good for a control freak. I'm hindsight I think I was really fighting them so I'm going to try some hypnobirthing prep and see if that helps this time.

I was thinking about this thread while driving back from the shop this morning mumsnet addict, moi?

For me the one thing I wish I'd be told is what someone up thread was told - it's like passing a shit the size of a watermelon. All this twee "feeling an urge to push" stuff had me expecting the urge to push to feel like it was more of wee - towards the front, but it really did feel like being hugely constipated!

I loved it when the pushing started to push dd out (I was having uncontrolled pushing urges throughout ... yoga, hypnotherapy. .. but only G&A enabled me not to damage myself before 10cm). Just like when you have a bad stomach - you know the poo will be hard and hurt or runny and still hurt but you just gotta get it out. The burn was like YEEESSSSS finally it's coming out!

Yes, I didn't expect the pushing to be using the pooing set of muscles! I thought it would be like really intense Kegel exercises or something....no, it's like passing the biggest poo of your life- that wriggles as it comes out! (Maybe this is why we get pregnancy constipation? Is this our bodies' way of training us to strain really hard and tone our muscles up??)

squizita I remember you from the pregnancy forums, we have babies a similar age and quite similar birth stories if I remember rightly. You describe pushing just as I found it...some of my friends felt things ripping and intense burning...i just found it like a relieving massive bowel movement after the worst stomach ache of my life. I think we both had quick pushing stages so perhaps that's why we found it ok .