Helpful things you wish you had known before labour/birth?

[RL20]

I'm 35 weeks and although I posted last week, I'm still terrified at the though of going into labour and giving birth! At the beginning it's almost as if brith seems like a lifetime away. I've got to come to terms with the fact that it's not very long away at all, now!
So not needing full birth stories really, and I'm aware that every birth is different!
But any advice on things you found helpful during labour, or things you wish you'd had, is greatly recieved! Thanks

First time round I lost it and went into panic mode, demanding an epidural and just wanting them to get baby out with an axe if necessary. Second time I felt the same pain but I was determined to go with it and stay calm. Instead of letting myself be swept away in panic I kept reminding myself to calm down and not drift into a fog of panic, every time I felt like I was losing control I made an effort to focus and stay calm. I suppose what I am saying is stay calm and focus. Remember that you can do it! First time I ended up with a very long labour ending in forceps and nasty stitches, second time was so much quicker and easier and I know it was mind over matter, letting my body do it for me and going with it not fighting against it. I would also say get as much rest and sleep whilst contractions are less painful and stay at home as long as possible.
Keep an open mind about pain relief but I feel like the epidural took away the natural urge for me and second time round with just gas and air, the pain helped me and my body knew what to do because of the pain. Also I kept remembering that the only way to get rid of the pain was to get baby out!

I kept telling myself that millions of women have managed it - you can too. All the best!

Lots of people say you shouldn't scare expectant mothers, but I actually wish people had been more honest about how painful it was. I think my NCT group talked a lot of rubbish about the power of breathing etc. so that when the contractions really got going I was in utter shock as well as pain. Thought it couldn't be 'right' or 'normal'. I remember being furious afterwards that I'd been misled. Realise some people claim to pop them out like broad beans, but that was NOT my experience and I felt quite resentful. So I am not trying to scare you, OP, but just think going into the experience with your eyes open is better so you can mentally prepare. Oh, and remember that epidural is just DREAMY……

Yes wholeheartedly to the "don't lie to pregnant women" thing. Labour is fucking painful. I survived though, it's not endless.

• It's entirely possible that you will make your dp SWEAR that you are never having any more children.
• Yes it's too late for the epidural when you finally beg ask for it
• It really does feel like you are dealing with constipation - when they say 'push' it's totally counter-intuitive but the pushing needs to be done as if you were having a very big poo.

I got taken a bit by surprise in the end and it all happened much quicker than I was expecting and I was too scared to push. But I do recommend all fours, gas and air, and a partner who can reassure you that your body CAN do what it needs to do. Not all midwives seem to understand how to reassure you when you are just scared about what's happening to you, so ask your partner to be ready to tell you you're ok and can keep going if that's the sort of support you need!

Thanks squizita RE tearing and stitches!

Motherto4 - Wow what a quick first labour! Good luck for this one, we may be sharing an EDD

Cookiemunster - Wow! Not sure what else to say ha ha, I suppose you just have to go with what position feels best at the time!

Jauntynomates - thanks for advice on warm water and flannels. Good ideas.

Bestzebbie - I was originally thinking about an elective cesarean as I have been worrying so much about labour and birth etc. I'm now trying to push that thought to the back of my mind but will take the option if it is the best way for my baby to arrive safely.

Somewhereibelong - sorry to hear you had those down days. I'm fully expecting those in the early days, because as it stands my partner is unable to take much time off from work, unless unpaid, and we simply can't afford to do that, but we'll see. So I'm fully expecting to be on my own with baby during the day, other than when I visit my mum or she comes to visit me, so I'm trying to prepare myself for that now.

Bonkers - I also thought that it takes a good few weeks to recover from a c section, but hey, what do I know!

Popsywind - stirrups sound like a good idea. I like the idea of having something to push my feet against actually.

Littleturkish - Ha ha, I hope so! Thanks for reminding me about maternity pads. Must buy more!

Jackiebrambles - thanks for the advice. And that's lovely

Mumhum - Thank you! Some lovely advice there.

Goshdarnit - I think I might let him share my pain and grip his hand! But we'll see, he might have already thought ahead about that!

Danystormborn - I was waiting for someone to mention the pooing! For that reason, my partner will be staying firmly by my head!

Thanks to everyone else I haven't managed to reply to yet.
Love all of the comments!

Yes push "down into your bottom". It feels like you are pushing in the wrong place but you aren't! I was like a previous poster with both of mine in that being active wasn't right for me. I detach when I labour, sort of separate myself from the pain (gas and air helps with this!) and when the mws tried t get me up and moving I couldn't cope with the pain as well and things slowed down. So I told them to leave me alone and followed my instincts. Was on the bed but quite upright, DC1 was breathed out in 2 pushes and I only had a graze. DC2 was a stop start labour which mostly happened at home but once I was in and labour properly established (when I was 7cms) I did the same as with DD as it felt right again and the he got a move on then!

Labour is messy. That's something I think you need to prepare yourself for. There is blood and it looks a lot more than it is. You may vomit, that's normal. You may poo, that's normal. It's also quite common to throw up after birth esp if it's quite quick as it can be a shock. That happened to me with DD and i think I hadn't been prepared for the fact that pretty quickly after giving birth I'd be expected to stand up and shuffle off to do a wee. As soon as I stood up it all felt very sore, my bump felt sore, blood was pouring out and I just started being violently sick. So take it easy and don't let yourself be rushed into getting up and moving about if you need to take a few minutes.

Take a CD player .... You are allowed but they don't often tell you that.
Internals - internals tend to trigger more contractions. A nice mw will keep her hand still and wait for the contraction to be over. One not so nice one I had decided to have a root around while I was contracting and it was honestly more painful than the contraction itself! So don't be afraid to say "get out of my fanjo!!" if you need to!

You can do it. Trust yourself. Trust your instincts. My advice for preparing for the pain is actually not to think "it won't be that bad" but to prepare yourself for the idea that it will be, every time you have a contraction think I CAN cope with this because it's going to get a lot worse. That got me through some v painful ones because I was sort of forcing myself to grit my teeth and cope. They never did get more painful than those awful ones, so I tricked myself into coping! Don't be scared of the pain, DONT tense up, breathe into it. When you hit that wall of feeling like you can't cope you are likely in transition and it's nearly over.

Oh and they like you to wee in a bowl to check it's all working sometimes. Super messy!

Regarding the pain. It bloody hurts but I found it useful to think of it like very extreme muscular pain from pushing myself at sports, and the belly ache you get before pooing. Basically acute pain that doesn't mean injury - and will vanish when all is done. Then I just dealt with the physical pain without panic.
Apparently I kept saying "it's meant to hurt, it's meant to hurt..." to myself.
Sounds crazy but the fact it hurts like hell for most of us was a comfort ie I'm in this much pain but that's normal and will end soon.

I think most things have been covered and I haven't read the thread thoroughly so apologies if repeating here.

If you do have an epidural then when she asks you to push, imagine you are doing a big poo and use all your muscles down there. Your body has never given birth before so you don't know what to do exactly but we've all poo'd so know what to do there be prepared to actually poo though as I did but tbh you're past caring by then . My dmum had had 6 babies so knew what to do when she had an epidural on number 6 but I didn't with my 1st but she gave me that advice and I stored it away not actually thinking I'd have an epidural so thank god she did. The midwife was so impressed I managed it without too much intervention.

You may be sick after giving birth so be prepared for that to happen. I'd had lots of G&A and after the birth had a big drink of apple juice and promptly threw it all up.

Try and rest as much as you can between contractions as it's exhausting and stay at home as long as you're able as it's so disheartening to be sent home if you're not as far along as they'd like. Eat carby food to keep your energy up. I'd had a banana sandwich and the midwife was very impressed when she asked what I'd eaten. Drink cartons with straws are a godsend as your partner can hold them and feed them to you.

I also found pethidine (sp) slowed things right down but that may just have been me. Plus it didn't seem to work imo. I had a back to back birth so very painful in my back.

Good luck, so jealous of the newborn snuggles you'll be having soon

Just think - everytime your husband moans about being ill or in pain you can say "I bet it's not as bad as labour!"

Buy some paper knickers for the first few days after the birth - they will save you a lot of unpleasantness.

One thing I wish I'd been told before I went into labour, was that the first stage of labour can last a long time. For me, from starting to have contractions until I finally got admitted to hospital at 4cm dilated was 2.5 days - I wasn't mentally prepared for this possibility at all, and I think if I had been I wouldn't have found it so stressful/worrying.

I had a last minute panic about being mentally prepared. Hypnobirthing CDs and getting a tens machine really helped. Dh was given the job of operating the tens and offering me water. He also listened to the cd and I gave him a couple of affirmations to remind me of. I think they helped keep him calm too.

Best tip: take a scooshy bottle of water for your first pee post birth. Can be tender, so helps to dilute the pee.

I am repeating my earlier post a bit, but hopefully you won't mind OP.

I think the strongest message you should be getting from all of this is that there is no 'right' way to go about things.

You've had people saying standing up worked when pushing, or that lying down did.

You've had people singing the praises of epidurals, and hating them.

You've had people both ways on opiates, and gas and air.

People warning you it could be fast, and people warning you it could be long.

Every time one of us shares a story, it comes with the silent heading "this is how it was for me. You may be totally different". The stories are absolutely brilliant, because they affirm how kick ass brilliant women are at managing to do this crazy thing of giving birth (however we do it, and whether vaginally or surgically). But those stories only really help the women telling them to plan subsequent births (if any) as they learn more about how their body labours, not you to plan yours. I hope what you take from them is a sense of "Hell yes. I can do this. One way, or another, I can do this. Bring it on!!"

Oh let me see....that it's possible to tear all the way to your anal sphincter when you give birth? I wouldn't have had any children if I'd known this was a possibility.

Would recommend Marie Mongans book on hypnobirthing. V important to try to relax and let your body do its job -if you understand what it is doing, it will make a difference to how you view birthing. And don't watch that rubbishy OBEM, I stayed well clear of that over dramatised crap.

I'm also 35 weeks pregnant with my first and finding this thread really encouraging to read. Nice to see Marie Mongan's book being mentioned time and again - it's the only pregnancy/parenting related thing I've read and I plan to revisit it when I start maternity leave.

I know it sounds stupid, but I wish someone had REALLY told me how much it hurts. 'Bad period pain' doesn't cover it. Maybe they did tell me, and I sort of half heard, maybe I didn't understand what they were saying - who knows. Either way, it fucking hurt. But... there are ways of dealing with that pain, I did some hypnobirthing stuff, I used a TENS machine (amazing), I had the birthing pool (doubly amazing).. and I could have done it without anything other than that (gas and air didn't work other than making me puke) had things not gone a bit wrong.

Truth is, if I was going to have another one, I'd want an epidural. I had to have one in the last two hours of labour, and it was amazing - it made the actual birth bit a pleasurable experience for me and my partner. I was already 9cm dilated by the time I had it though, so no time for the negative side of epidurals to happen - slowing down labour etc. I think also that it prevented any major injury to my bits. Had I been in pain during that part I think I'd have pushed as hard as possible to get it over with, and not been able to pant/slow down etc.

Most important thing is that you DO forget it once your lovely baby arrives after 3 months of crap sleep you also forget your name and how to eat

Definitely ohthegoats, I looked down at ds just after he was born and thought "definitely worth it".

oh and unless the baby is already crowning and therefore there really isn't time for the anesthetist to get there - there is no such thing as too late for epidural. Not something I experienced myself, but there have been plenty of stories here where women were told it's too early, then that the anesthetist is busy and then that oops, it's too late now.

Good post Penguin.

Contractions did NOT feel like period pain to me! But I've had two births with no pain relief, keep calm...You'll get through it, it bloody hurts though (and if I'd had time 2nd time round id have all the drugs going...just had a super fast unplanned home birth)

Don't make a birth plan...it's bollocks IMO, Research what might happens and what your options are and keep an open mind.

I wish someone had told me how huge the placenta is...felt like pushing out a football!!

My advice would be to consider all eventualities and discuss them with your birth partner as well as documenting them in your birth plan. You may well have the natural birth you are hoping for, but you should think things through in case you don't. Make sure your birth partner knows what you want so they are able to confidently speak for you when you can't.

Also, I agree that epidurals don't always work. I had one which did initially, but then came out of my back and nobody noticed. I didn't say anything until the contractions became too much and it took over an hour to get a free anesthetist to come and redo it. Don't be afraid to ask for pain relief if it's what you want.

Lastly, no two births are the same. It's like comparing apples and oranges.