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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Finding out the sex - should we?

169 replies

superlambanana · 26/01/2014 21:20

So what do you do when you desperately want to know the sex but DH doesn't?! I feel like I need to because it'll make it less faceless... Feel like it's a 'thing' at the moment. DH doesn't want to know. Does anyone have any advice about either way?

OP posts:
Lifeisaboxofchocs · 27/01/2014 13:53

Find out! Trust me when I say that giving birth to the baby is of such amazing awesomeness that nothing else is 'needed' to make it any more special.

By finding out the sex, all you are doing is having a further very very exciting and happy experience.

mandbaby · 27/01/2014 14:00

Don't find out!!!! You've got your whole life to know what sex they are. What better incentive is there to "push" than not knowing whether you're about to have a son or daughter?!

We didn't find out with DS1 or DS2 and we wont with our DC3.

Cakebaker35 · 27/01/2014 14:03

I wasn't fussed about finding out first time round but DH wanted to know, so I said ok but as long as we tell people as I'm rubbish at keeping secrets. So we did and I was glad, it also helped us a lot as we disagreed on names so at least it narrowed the choices down! My DD's birth was traumatic and ended in emcs so nothing 'magical' to it anyway, we were just glad to make it out and knowing the sex made no difference to me at all during those crazy hours. Now I'm just pregnant second time around and if all goes well we will definitely be finding out, the practical person in me just says it makes sense and I don't like surprises much anyway!
Totally personal choice but please don't believe the 'it won't be magical' comments because having a child is magical enough either way.

Kaekae · 27/01/2014 14:31

DP really wanted to know with out first so we found out. Second baby we both really wanted to know and I remember crying with happiness both times. I remember dreaming of my babies while pregnant with them, first time a boy and second a girl, so I loved knowing. I don't get the whole surprise thing....baby will either be a boy or girl we already know that?! Hmm Wink

Missmidden · 27/01/2014 14:31

We didn't find out last time round (hospital policy not to say and not bothered enough for a private scan) and it was interesting how people reacted- anyone of a similar age thought it very odd not to know but older people thought it showed maturity and restraint!

This time round we will find out (hospital changed policy) but only for the sake of DD she is nearly 4 and can't understand that it may not be a girl when that is what she wants it to be! I think the more time she has to adjust to the idea if it is a boy the better. But for DP and I it is of no relevance at all.

RainyAfternoon · 27/01/2014 14:33

Pregnant with our third and this time I would like to find out.

For our first, we were both quite definite we wanted a surprise. Our second we changed our minds all the way to the scan and then didn't find out and I slightly regretted it.

I didn't really find not knowing an incentive to push - I think I was so out of it, I'd forgotten the baby would have a sex! Unfortunately with both children, I didn't find the 'It's a boy/girl!' moment particularly magical. With DD, I was so exhausted by the time she was born, I didn't particularly care what she was - I was just relieved the birth was over. And with DS, unfortunately he was whisked away as soon as he was born as he wasn't breathing, so the 'It's a boy!' moment was overshadowed by 'Breathe baby, breathe!'

This time round I would like to find out when I'm in a state to take the news in!

ShowMeSaturn · 27/01/2014 14:38

First baby I requested the gender at the scan, although I knew anyway weeks before that, a massively emphatic knowing I might add. Although I'm one of those weirdest that swears she could 'feel' the moment of conception too. (A little tingling in the womb area and spacey 'this is it' momentous lifechanging moment for anyone who's interested!)
The father wasn't bothered, he didn't want the child anyway.

Second baby, I didn't want to know, again had that feeling of gender confirmed at birth. Father wasn't even at that scan. Didn't want that child either.

I'm not having more children, but if I was, it wouldn't be with their father, so I'd probably leave the choice in the new father's hand.
If it was my sole choice, I wouldn't find out. Firstly because I'd rely on my gut feeling again, secondly because a third pregnancy is rumoured to be the hardest, so I'd need something to look forward to, to get me through it Grin

liquidstate · 27/01/2014 14:39

We are not finding out, That way the overenthusiastic grandmas to be are steered clear from overbuying pink and blue.

I hate the over use of pink in girls, pretty things etc. and fortunately DH agrees with waiting to find out. I have no opinion on those that do for practical and bonding reasons. Babies are magical whichever way. Smile

homeaway · 27/01/2014 14:44

The first was a surprise, second only i knew and managed to keep it a secret from everybody !

waterlego6064 · 27/01/2014 14:51

This discussion always feels fruitless because if people have a strong feeling either way, they find it really difficult to understand the opposite course of action.

I didn't find out during pregnancy and enjoyed all the speculation and the sweepstakes etc. When DC1 was born, it was DH who told me (with tears in his eyes and a catch in his voice): 'It's a girl! We've got a little girl!'
With DC2, I pulled the baby out of the water and DH and I both looked to see that we had a boy. Lovely memories.

My brother and his wife had their 20 week scan last year and asked the sonographer to write down what sex they thought the baby was. They didn't really want to know themselves, but my mum was terminally ill, and we all knew she wouldn't live to see the baby. We were all so pleased that they were able to tell mum what sex her 4th grandchild would be. I like that she went to her grave knowing that.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 27/01/2014 14:53

DH and I have three children and we only found out the sex before the birth with the last one and that was a snap decision while I was being scanned. If we hadn't both wanted too we wouldn't have done it though tbh it was me that asked DH if we should find out and I doubt he would have said no to me in the circumstances we found ourselves in.

Good luck.

radiatormesh · 27/01/2014 14:58

homeaway - me too!! We decided names before I found out with #2 though: that would have been hard! Was lovely knowing for 20wks about how happy DH would be when he saw the willy (#1 was a girl) ;)

TTC #3 right now, and I'll find out again if only to be able to flog the baby clothes we won't need

Strokethefurrywall · 27/01/2014 15:00

I didn't find out with my first, but did with this pregnancy.

I really wanted DH to be the one to tell me what we had, and like previous posters, I will never forget his face when he shouted "we have a baby boy!" - I felt he had so little to do with the whole pregnancy in itself that I wanted his job to be to tell me what we had and cut the cord.

This time around I've been pretty stressed so decided to find out at 22 weeks and it helped to make things a little more real and I could refocus on the pregnancy.

If we have a third, I wouldn't find out. I like the speculation but quite honestly, it would probably be another boy any way! Grin

If you're going to have more than one, perhaps find out with one but not the other - then you have the best of both worlds!

ArgumentsatChristmas · 27/01/2014 15:13

I didn't find out with my first - it didn't matter to me

The reason that I did with my second is that DH was desperate to have another girl. I had a feeling that it was not going to be a girl so I insisted on us finding out in advance so that DH wasn't disappointed on the day

pixiebell79 · 27/01/2014 15:20

We both totally wanted to find out - sooo curious! It didn't matter to either of us what we had, and even knowing that we're having a boy we're keeping everything we buy neutral (if for no other reason than we might have another, and it might be a girl. And creams / browns / whites are cuter anyhow). But I couldn't face months of calling the baby "it" - just too impersonal for my taste.

Also, we figured the birth would be special enough and didn't need anything added :)

pixiebell79 · 27/01/2014 15:22

Having said that, I'm not sure how I would have handled it if DH didn't want to know. Probably would have found out anyway, I'm way too impatient (but he knows this about me!). I'm glad we found out - it's all girls in our family so it took a while to get my head around having a boy...!

mumbaisapphirebluespruce · 27/01/2014 15:24

All anyone can do is share their experience with you. Personally if it is your first baby, I would be inclined to take your husbands lead on this one and not find out. If you have a second you can then decide if you want to find out or not. Once you find out, you can't undo that, and so you can't really compare the experience of knowing to not knowing if you see what I mean?!

We didn't find out. I had a great pregnancy with everyone having guesses and speculating. It was fun picking out names for both sex and wondering which we'd get to use. We weren't fussed about having a pink or blue nursery, just opted for a woodland theme which works for both sexes. Not finding out did mean that we saved lots of money! Never had problems bonding. DD was just 'baby' and was pretty good at kicking me so we got to know her quite well without knowing her sex.

The actual moment when my husband told me we had a daughter was fantastic. It was amazing to be able to meet her and find out at the same time.

KatieChooChoo · 27/01/2014 15:46

We didnt find out on our 1st and had a boy.
Im 38 weeks on Wednesday and we found out this time, only because I thought it would be easier for our 2 year old to bond with the baby bump. But........ although we have been told a boy (twice) I still feel like we're having a girl !!!

TimeToPassGo · 27/01/2014 15:46

I found out. Also had ELCS on pre-planned date. Interfering bat in work made a Hmm face and said something to the effect of spoiling the surprise and knowing everything in advance.

What bullshit. Nothing takes away the magic of meeting your baby. I felt much more bonded knowing whether I would be meeting a 'him' or a 'her'. I'm all for knowing everything in advance. Everyone is different.

DalmationDots · 27/01/2014 16:13

I didn't for DC1 as I had no gender preference and wanted a surprise.
With DC2 I really wanted a girl as DC1 was a boy, I wanted to know so if it was a boy I could 'get over it' and also I could prepare Ds for the arrival of better by being able to tell him he'd be having a sister.

Could you find out but not tell DH, I can imagine it would be very hard but could be good fun trying to keep it in!

pigleychez · 27/01/2014 16:55

I didn't with either of the girls. It was nice having that surprise at the end of the labour.

We had a pretty good idea with DD2 though as the sonographer showed us the scan saying 'He she is' turning the screen to show us. She very quickly changed it to 'Heres baby' but both DH and I picked up on it.

I personally liked the idea of buying gender neutral things as it made it all more exciting. We knew we would want 2 children reasonably close together so neutral things meant everything could be passed down regardless of the sex of DD2.
Plus they are never 100% certain.. I read an article lately of couple who bought everything in Blue (and I mean EVERYTHING!)decorated the nursery all blue and the baby was born a girl! They were wanted compensation.

Seoulsister · 27/01/2014 17:17

I was so "old" when I had my third that it would have been clear from the extra tests, but I didn't want to know even though they asked me. I had a girl and boy already, but was just happy it seemed to be fine. (He was.)

CantQuiteBelieveIt · 27/01/2014 17:42

It's true there are two definite camps on this!

Me and DH still can't work out why anyone (bar special circumstances obviously) wouldn't want to keep it a surprise, but we respect the fact that lots do. We just got on with what we wanted.

DBil and his wife found out and named both babies early on in pregnancy, and I have to say it wasn't so exciting when they phoned to say 'X is here!'. Obviously we were thrilled thy had arrived safe and sound but still!

As for people saying why is it less magical to find out before the birth. Isn't that like asking why it isn't more of a surprise to get your presents on Xmas Day rather than ripping them open earlier because you couldn't wait? Surely you could argue they were still a surprise at that point, so what's the difference? Don't get that one. There's a lot to be said for delayed gratification!!

NancyinCali · 27/01/2014 18:20

We didn't find out with DD1 - and it was amazing to find out at her birth (my DH told me we had a girl, I'm welling up just thinking about it). It was very exciting to call everyone at home and tell them we had a girl and her name.

But this time around we were adamant we wanted to know. We wanted to be able to prepare our DD and to prepare ourselves more (sort out all her clothes etc). So we actually found out when I was only 12 weeks pregnant as I had the Harmony test (well the US equivalent). It's a very different experience this time - I feel very connected to her somehow as I can picture her more (maybe that would happen more anyway with DC2 as you have more of an idea of what to expect). And I'm excited about getting all my favourite clothes out for her and buying her a few new outfits (as most of our newborn clothes are gender neutral). We can narrow our name decisions down to girls too. We still won't tell anyone the name until she's here - want to keep a little mystery! I do know people who have found out the gender and announced the name at the same time which I'm not keen on.

Plateofcrumbs · 27/01/2014 18:33

I wonder if there is a trend for DHs not to want to know as they see finding out the gender as part of their role in the birth?