Finding out the sex - should we?

[superlambanana]

So what do you do when you desperately want to know the sex but DH doesn't?! I feel like I need to because it'll make it less faceless... Feel like it's a 'thing' at the moment. DH doesn't want to know. Does anyone have any advice about either way?

[Kazzyv]

I had my heart set on a girl. Found out I was having a boy after having the test where they test for Downs etc( long time ago sorry forgotten the terminology ) but this gave me a long time to get used to the idea, and decorate and shop accordingly. Of course when he arrived the fact he was healthy was the most important thing and it was love at first site. I think if I hadn't known I would have needed time to get adjusted to having a boy after the birth.... Knowing was the right choice for me. BTW - he is now a huge 17 year old and I cannot imagine being without him when he goes to uni in Sept.

[ginzillas]

We didn't find out the first time as we wanted the surprise after the birth. But I was so out of it after Dd's difficult birth that I don't really remember them telling us the sex.
If there's a next time we'll find out at 20 weeks as we'd like to experience that way of doing it. Also would like to be organised and be able to choose names - a process we found tricky when we didn't know the sex. You both have to be on the same page though, I think. Thankfully DH and I were in agreement on it (one of the few things we agreed on!)

[Foxsticks]

How many weeks are you OP? If you can't feel kicking yet you might find you feel more bonded once you do.

[Notalwaysabowlofcherries]

I am with you, Superlambanana. I wanted to know so I stopped referring to my bump as 'it'. And actually, both DH and I had slight preference for a girl so I thought better to check and get head around it if it wasn't a girl. Which it wasn't! Needless to say, having had our son we fell in love with all things boy….! Also, without wishing to be alarmist, IMHO labour is enough of a 'surprise' if a surprise is what you're after….. Good luck!

[summerdreams]

hasd anyone been to a harley street clinic and paid to find out early?

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

And you know what it was still a little bit of a surprise having ds after dd, even though I knew I was having a boy. I think I was slightly surprised my body could make a boy, since I'm obviously female and it made a girl like me the first time!
Having time to get your head round any of this stuff beforehand is all to the good I think

[Lavenderhoney]

We didn't want to know with ds, but when I was pregnant with what turned out to be DD and in the ME we were very much in the minority. Everyone we met was surprised we didn't want to know. Nurses tried to tell us all the time, and the surgeon also had to request it was kept off the notes in case he let slip before the CS. Whenever I was alone with a healthcare person they always said " I know the sex, shall I tell you?" Which was annoying as I had to preface every conversation with " don't tell me the sex. I mean it"

We requested both times dh find out the sex and tell me, not someone shouting " its a boy/ girl"

Lots of people had 3 d scans done so found out that way.

I think if I had another I would want to know. Just for planning.

Not knowing also stopped pils from interfering too much, as they wanted to choose the name and actually asked if they could know the sex, even if we didn't! Er, NO!

[elliejjtiny]

We found out with DS1 and DS3 but not with DS2 and DS4. The day before DS4 was born I was told I was going to have a CS that day under GA. Suddenly I wanted to know the sex beforehand because I hated the thought of DH and the theatre staff finding out while I was asleep (I'd made DH promise not to phone anyone until I was awake). In the end I had a spinal but this time I'll be finding out the sex at the 20 week scan.

[LowCloudsForming]

super - I know that feeling; I wanted to start picturing them and building a relationship before they were born. We found out with ours which I am so glad about. They still had plenty of surprises in store for us. Maybe you will have to agree with the baby's father that you will find out but keep it secret.

[Rowena1988]

This is my first and I don't want to find out if I can help it. We've just had our 20 week scan and didn't find out then (we weren't asked if we wanted to know) but I have to have growth scans so if we find out during one of those scans or if medical reasons mean that I'm better off knowing because I can't do things after the birth then we will try to find out but only if this happens.

If I have the choice the whole way through though, it's definitely going to be a surprise.

[suburbangirl]

The sonographer told me one of mine was a boy (went in for a scan at 16 weeks, and he said, 'I can see the sex of this one, do you want to know' so I said OK).

I went to a specialist sonographer at 20 weeks who said, 'I don't know who told you that. You're expecting two girls.'

Imagine my confusion then when, during my ceasaerian ...AS A JOKE... the doctors rummaging down at the end of my body said: "It's a BOY. No Ha! Ha! It's a girl."

[TwoThreeFourSix]

I can understand wanting a surprise, or rather wanting the surprise at the birth as opposed to a few months earlier, but I can't understand saying that to stop people buying pink or blue.

Surely if you have friends/relatives who want to buy pink or blue they'll do that after the birth anyway?

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

somewherewest - I wasn't being dismissive if you meant me. I just would like to know what the planning involved for the necessitating to find out given that you can buy unisex clothes and decorations for the nursery.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

Aham - we found out with baby number 3 only. Only difference was we needed to buy new clothes and bedding and decorate the room and it just meant we could buy blue clothes, car bedding, etc. That isn't why we found out btw! Had no bearing on my love for him or anything. I find I am bonded with the baby from the minute I know I am pregnant and I guessed right each time with mine. Having said that, I thought dc2 might be a girl but when I looked and announced to DH we had a boy I was totally happy. The few seconds later when I realised she was actually a girl didn't matter. Just a funny story. I certainly wasn't disappointed.

[jennymac]

A friend of mine wanted to find out with her third because she had 2 boys and wanted to be prepared if it was another boy. Her Dh didn't want to know so she managed to keep it a secret until the birth - no idea how she managed it - I wouldn't have lasted 2 mins!

[Choccywoccydodah]

We didn't find out with ds. I wanted to know but dh didn't and our hospital wouldn't tell you unless you both wanted to know!
So glad we didn't find out, was such a lovely surprise with it all being new etc.
Next one we'll find out though

[pettyprudence]

TwoThreeFourSix my inlaws bought plenty for dc1 before he was born. Not finding out the sex minimised the amount of gendered stuff they could buy him. Obviously since he was born they have bought things but it kept it to a minimum (so I have gender neutral towels, play mat etc...) I just don't feel the need for gendered items but my inlaws do so it nicely avoided much of that (although that wasn't my sole reason btw!). The bonus is that everything I have - equipment and clothes up to 3 months can now be passed on to dc2 regardless of sex!

[Coveredinweetabix]

We found out and I am really glad we did. It was a wonderful moment at the 20w scan when we found out DC1 was a girl as I'd felt as though she was all along. And, when she was finally born after 42 hrs of labour and wasn't breathing and there were more and more medical staff rushing into the room, I was really glad that I wasn't having to process whether it was a girl or a boy. There certainly wouldn't have been a joyful moment of DP announcing the sex. We'd thought of the name before she was born but didn't finally decide on it until she'd been born and that was when we called people to say yes, we'd finally had the baby, it was a girl, x weight, y name and lots of hair. It was still exciting and felt like real news.
With DC2, I had a strong feeling it wasn't a girl (but didn't necessarily feel it was a boy....not entirely sure what third option I was thinking of!) and the fact it was a boy was confirmed at the scan and it was wonderful to see DP's grin and be able to tell 2.3yro DD who we'd snuck in to the scan that that was her brother. It was lovely to find out as a family - although the original reason for DD being there was purely due to childcare falling through at the very last minute. And after a ridiculously short labour with DC2 and chaos with a MW racing in to catch DC2 a I gave birth whilst DP wiped my vomit off himself, I'm not sure again that there would have been a wondrous moment.

[breatheslowly]

We didn't find out. We were undecided at the 20 week scan and didn't find out by some sort of default.

The amazing reveal moment was slightly lost after having a crap birth and just asking the MW to tell us what we had. She seemed to be waiting for DH to go and identify the sex, as if salvaging any bits of anyone's birth plan that might be positive (she was really lovely). However she announced that we had a little "Sophie" which confused us as DD wasn't going to be called Sophie.

To be honest, I wasn't particularly into bonding with DD until she arrived. Many of my friends have declared their love for their unborn child, but that wasn't really my experience, so I wasn't too into getting to know DD before she was born. You will know whether that is important for you or not.

I also knew someone who was told they were having a girl and a boy arrived. I don't think that the story of "your penis was so small that we though you were a girl" would do much for a boy's masculinity. I guess that is pretty rare - over 100 posts so far on this thread and none have experienced that.

[adamharriet]

I didn't find out for any of my 3. It stops you spending so much beforehand and it's such a buzz after all the hard work to have that surprise! Also, it's more exciting for everyone else to be able to announce "It's a BOY!" than, "he's arrived". Not as thrilling at all, I don't think.

[superlambanana]

Wow lots of responses!! Thanks for all your experiences

[paulapantsdown]

Life holds many surprises, but very few of them good ones!

[sadaboutmum]

Very personal but I think if you have even the tiniest preference for one or the other sex it's better to find out. I didn't find out with my first because I had no preference for a boy or a girl and it was a glorious surprise when DS1 was born. Having had one son, I was quite desperate for another one. Knowing that I had a preference for a boy made me find out with DS2. A friend who'd had a daughter first, then really wanted a son but had another daughter told me that he felt forever that he'd let DD2 down by being just the tiniest bit disappointed when she was born. He felt that, instead of being totally elated at her safe arrival he had a negative emotion which he'd felt guilty about ever since (even though, of course, within about a second of her arrival he fell completely in love with her). I am sure that wouldn't have happened to me if I had had a girl but it was incredibly important to me NOT to feel like that so wanted to be sure.

[mummybear2b]

I decided after much debate - to finally find out what I am having..... and its a blue one !!! im so excited !! we went to Babybond Maidstone and had a lovely experience. I think it makes such a difference when you have people who are down to earth and lovely surroundings so you feel relaxed .... myself and my partner were both really really nervous ! there is no right or wrong answer as to finding out the sex or keeping it a surprise. You have to do whats right for you .....