Finding out the sex - should we?

[superlambanana]

So what do you do when you desperately want to know the sex but DH doesn't?! I feel like I need to because it'll make it less faceless... Feel like it's a 'thing' at the moment. DH doesn't want to know. Does anyone have any advice about either way?

[Toucanet]

If ours is viable don't think I want to know - mostly as DH would like a girl and I wouldn't want him to be disappointed for several months! Whereas I figure if you don't know then at birth will be so relieved (fingers crossed) that you've got a healthy baby, you won't care which it is. Might still ask for it to be written down just to know afterwards if they got it right (I also know of one instance where they got it wrong). Also, I'm not sure whether if there is a problem, knowing the gender would affect your decisions - I don't think so, but might be harder knowing you might be risking miscarriage, or if it came to that, even considering TOP of your 'preferred' gender?
Good luck deciding. Meantime might choosing a unisex pet name for it help bonding?!

[momofmonster]

I wanted to know with my ds. i'm just not patient enough! although i was convinced from about 10 weeks on that i was having a boy anyway so when i had the scan i was like "ha told you so" to my ex - dont think he realised there was some sort of competition as to who was right!!
I'm glad i found out - it instantly made me feel closer to him. we already had the names picked out so i was able to start talking about him by name and picture him. everything i bought from then on was geared towards my little boy.
My friend however is currently pregnant with her 3rd and she never finds out. she prefers the suprise.

i think at the end of the day it is all down to personal preference though.

[Choccywoccydodah]

Awwww Morgan that's lovely.
Just realised my comment was for likeit before not mel0dy, sorry ladies!

[MorganPrince]

I had to find out, I couldn't wait all that time with the little one growing inside me and not know. Me and the hubby even had names for the little ones while they were growing and given that Lord of the Rings had just been on at the cinema my eldest, Big Prince, became Samwise. I don't know what the experience would've been like had I not known but I was able to talk to 'Samwise' and call him by name. Everyone thought we were crazy but it was our in-joke and we loved it.

[Choccywoccydodah]

I must admit mel0dy I loved not finding out, especially as ds had his legs crossed and all of us found out together. A moment I will never ever forget, so funny

Just reading back and someone said finding out is 'chavvy'? Never heard of that before!!
We want to find out next time particularly as I have just gone through 3 early mcs in 3 months and I will never ever know their sex.
It has been the hardest time of out lives and NOTHING chavvy about that!

[GinnelsandWhippets]

We had surprises with both our children. Particularly with DC2, which was avery hard pregnancy, that surprise at the end was something i really reslly looked forward to. Ultimately it's lovely either way, but i was very glad we waited because there is something special about delayed gratification!

[Longtime]

I didn't with my first but did with the second and third. Made absolutely no difference whatsoever to what I felt after the birth.

[likeit]

Found out the sex with first baby. Didn't find out the sex with the second baby. Not finding out was better.

[mel0dy]

Even though gender is of no significance for me, having one of each would be very neat! I think we'll plan for 2 of our own and if they turn out to be the same flavour we'll adopt a 3rd! I think it did me good to have a bro and him to have a sis.

[Contrarian78]

Governemnt cuts. They're not needed in court anymore, so they've had them doing baby scans.....becasue some of the letters in the job titles are the same.

Beleive it or not, I don't always set out to shock! Honestly.

[confuddledDOTcom]

Since when did shorthand writers do ultrasound

[confuddledDOTcom]

Wow Contrarian! I was at your first statement but backing it up with effectively a "but" statement!!!

[Keepthechangeyoufilthyanimal]

I have been very on the fence about finding out.
Before I was pregnant, I always imagined I wouldn't find out - I love surprises, and liked the idea of being traditional in a sense, and stupid as it sounds, different to everyone else (out of all my friends and family with DC, I only know one couple who chose not to find out so the 80/20% split someone mentions upthread makes a lot of sense)

Since I have been pregnant, everyone assumed we would find out, even those that I would consider more traditional such as grandparents and great grandparents. Everyone's assumption that we would find out sort of made me more determined to keep it a surprise.
However, the more time has gone on, I have found I've not been so bothered either way. This is an IVF pregnancy and I've struggled to get past the fear of something going wrong and not really believing we are going to have a baby after so many years of infertility so I thought by finding out if I was having a son or daughter might help it all seem a bit more real.

DH however has always insisted he would want to know so he could mentally prepare and picture our future with a son or daughter and buy relevant things etc. He hates surprises in general and can't wait for anything (birthday and christmas presents were always opened early as a child) Although he now says he doesn't mind either way as we are so lucky to be having a baby at all, he has always had a strong preference towards having a boy as otherwise it's the end of his family line as he is an only child. (and it's unlikely we'll be able to fund a second go at the IVF treatment)

He felt a lot more strongly about finding out than I did about not finding out so we compromised - we would find out but keep it a secret between the two of us and tell anyone else that we are keeping it a surprise, and if we are lucky enough to ever have a second child, keep it a surprise then so we've done both ways.
I wanted him to have his way to help him feel more involved as he perhaps feels a bit like his only job has been taken away by us having the IVF (male sided fertility problems)

We had a private scan at 16.4 (for other reasons - not to find out the sex) and asked the lady if it was obvious without too much poking around (as my family were at the scan too) could she write it on a bit of paper for us to open later as we didn't want family to know we are finding out.

So we know, but as far as anyone else is concerned we are having a surprise! I like having something private and secret between the two of us, cheesy as that sounds

Now we already know, I like the idea of knowing all I need to think about is the important stuff at the 20 week scan when so many people refer to it as the gender scan That is by far the scan I am most looking forward to. I can't wait to see if the baby looks happy and healthy

[CarlaVeloso]

Those who say they wanted to get a surprise on the day, I have to say it was also a lovely surprise on the day we found out. The day of the birth is pretty surprising itself you know, I certainly didn't feel I needed any extras to make the day memorable!

We didn't tell anyone we had found out. I just liked knowing.

[Contrarian78]

That was to Tomkat79

[Contrarian78]

I wonder why that is? Not that it matters especially.

That would actually have been quite a nice touch (finding out on Christmas Day). You then still get a sense of the anticpation. Shame they couldn't do it. Not sure it would quite constitute a contract in the legal sense.

[Lavenderhoney]

Contrarian, I can only assume you aspire to write idiotic pieces for the daily mail.

However, I remember a Mw telling me that they didn't like to tell the sex as they were worried in some communities if it wasn't a boy, then the mother may be coerced into abortion. Its a problem in china with the one child policy and everyone wanting a boy. There aren't enough girls to go round, perhaps.

[Tomkat79]

No contrarian the Sonographer is only allowed to tell the mother. We asked ours to write the sex down so could open Xmas day but not allowed to do that either as would form a contract,

[checkmates]

A lot of couples I talk to say they want a boy and a girl. Can that be arranged

[Contrarian78]

For us, the pregnancy is (as were the other two) very much shared experiences. I've said that she can find out if she wants (she's not as bothered as you think) but that she should keep it a secret. She didn't want to do that or said she wouldn't be able to so we've agreed not to find out.

Just out of interest, would a husband/partner be permitted to find out what the baby was (by discretely checking with the stenographer afterwards) if the wife didn't want to know?

[Contrarian78]

livingzuid It was an unpleasant and sweeping generalisation, but I should point out that I did acknowledge that the statement was going to sound a bit "!!!**"

I haven't got anything particualrly to base the opinion on, but rather it was just a gut feeling. I suppose it'd be interesting to see whether finding out the sex was more prevalent among particular socio-economic groups. It'd either back-up or debunk my statement. Who knows or cares?

My opinions are often contrary, but I don't always mean to cause offence.

[TimeToPassGo]

too hard

[TimeToPassGo]

Contrarian your use of the word 'chavvy' is such a bizarre, dim-witted choice of word that I am indeed

More importantly I wouldn't try to hard to 'convince' your wife not to find out the sex if she wants to. Most men see that their wife / partner is the one doing all the fucking work of growing a brand new human being. On that basis if she wants to find out then she should find out. All this talk of 'convincing' her and her 'letting it drop pretty quickly' because she doesn't have a good enough reason does in fact make you sound like a bullying arsehole.

Your wife's body is her own. If she wants to find out the gender of the baby growing inside, she doesn't need to convince you or anyone else, other than the person doing the scan.

[livingzuid]

contrarian what an unpleasant sweeping generalisation you make. I don't see why it's chavvy to find out the sex. Why on earth would it be? That's a pretty offensive thing to say about those of us who chose to find out with no real explanation as to why.

I was really glad to have found out. I am in treatment with a psychologist over my relationship with my mother and was hoping/dreading having a girl as it bought back some really negative feelings. I was at first elated then totally terrified of being a shit mother. But now we found out I am able to work through it all in therapy and won't be projecting onto my daughter. I can't wait to meet her and enjoy her uniqueness and specialness.

The scan was amazing and finding out then was amazing. And my dh hates surprises. So it worked for us.

I wouldn't have been able to do any of that if we hadn't found out and instead would have had those feelings at the birth which I just didn't want. I want to enjoy the whole experience when I see her at last (as much as one can when pushing out a baby!) and not be bogged down by the past.