Finding out the sex - should we?

[superlambanana]

So what do you do when you desperately want to know the sex but DH doesn't?! I feel like I need to because it'll make it less faceless... Feel like it's a 'thing' at the moment. DH doesn't want to know. Does anyone have any advice about either way?

[Augustbaby14]

I too needed to know as soon as I discovered I was pregnant the first time. I felt no bond with this 'thing' growing inside me. I felt disconnected and being the first pregnancy, had no idea what I was really meant to be 'looking forward to'. I was very career orientated and waited until 32 to have our first baby.
This time, I understand the process and we are going to wait until delivery-to try something new! This also is saving us loads of money as I can't go day-dream shopping.
But, I feel stronger this time so I am ok to wait.

I feel that it is important to feel a bond with your body, the baby and the whole process. Finding out (for me) did help to achieve this. It is more than just a game- guessing game. It is your mental health, well being and sense of self. Hopefully you DH will come to understand this.

All that said, everyone (and each pregnancy) is different. Exciting!

[Eletheomel]

I don't understand why people would want to know in advance (personal opinion - not saying finding out is wrong, just saying I've never been persuaded by the arguments in favour)

I think it's one of life's great surprises not knowing until the birth. But then i like surprises (and love anticipation) and have never peeked at my xmas presents before the big day.

Having said that when I was having DS2 last May, the midwifes and consultants were all surprised and thrilled when they found out I didn't know the gender - they said 'almost everyone' they see these days knows the sex before the birth, so I reckon I'm very much in a minority :-D

[Orangeisthenewbanana]

I asked at my scan whether most people find out or not and they estimated 80% do and 20% don't. I was quite surprised that there was such a massive difference.

[Iwillorderthefood]

We found out today it's another girl. I am so pleased, we have two already so DH will be entirely outnumbered. Looking at the baby's lips also showed me that she is likely to look similar to DD1 and she has DH's nose.

[jen2014]

superlambanana How far along are you? Sometimes it can feel a bit like a 'thing' if it's early in the pregnancy regardless. Really no need to feel like a bad mother, it can feel very alien to begin with anyway! You will bond with the baby magically, whether you find out now, or whether you wait.
Thankfully DH and I both agree on wanting to wait, we did with DS1 and we are with this one too (27 weeks). But at our 20 weeks scan the little mischief was being very awkward for the sonographer and sitting so low in my pelvis she could barely get any measurements and said she wouldn't have been able to tell us the sex even if we'd wanted to know, so some things are just meant to be I guess!
Entirely your choice but only thing I would say though is you finding out and trying to keep it quiet from DH will never work, so you need to agree one way or the other! :)

[delasi]

Like others have said, it all depends on your personal feelings and there is no 'right/good' or 'wrong/bad'. Before our 20 week scan I was starting to freak out about pregnancy - morning sickness was over but I had no kicking yet, so I felt so detached from our baby. At 19 weeks I began to feel movement, so I felt more connected to our baby from that point. I spent the next 20 weeks until the birth paying attention to every single kick! For me, I did also feel like I needed it to be 'real', but I got that through the movement of our baby.

In terms of finding out the sex, I always thought I'd want to know but when it came to it I just didn't. I can't really explain it, but I just felt like I wanted to wait. There were practical reasons as secondary explanations - I wanted to go down a bright/unisex route in terms of colours and I didn't want to have piles of clothing, but I am surrounded by lovely friends who would have inevitably bought tons of blue or pink outfits in advance of the birth and I was convinced the sonographer might get it wrong!. DH was curious but not too bothered, and we both know that if he found out he wouldn't be able to contain himself (as evidenced by him blurting out to all and sundry that I was pg ).

However the vast majority of people I know - well, everyone I know, except for my DM! - chose to find out in advance. I was the only one in my antenatal class that didn't know. Some people were actually a bit annoyed with me as they felt it vastly limited their gift buying options! But I was very happy with my decision - and I have to say my, because in reality it was more that DH respected my wishes rather than both having felt the same - and I would like to do the same with future DC. As above, I have more of a bright colours/unisex approach so most of DS' clothing will serve the next child regardless, there are only a few bits and bobs now that he is older that are more 'boyish'.

Prior to the birth we had two names ready for either sex and when DS was born and we found out "which one" it was, it was wonderful; but I also don't doubt how wonderful it is when you already know the sex in advance, I think seeing your baby, truly, for the first time is what makes it so lovely

[Augustbaby14]

I agree jen2014 and delasi. Maybe if I had waited a little while longer for the baby to grow and move, then I would have made a connection. I pushed to find out as soon as possible in fear of not bonding. Good point.

[BigBoPeep]

I found out, and managed to keep it secret from DH it was as much of a surprise when I found out as after she was out so not sure what the big deal about NOT finding out was?

We have a deal that next time we're finding out and I DON'T have to keep it a secret!

[Contrarian78]

This is going to sound somewhat !?!?!?!!!?! but here goes:

I've always felt that finding out was somewhat "chavvy" (Is that still a word?) We didn't find out with either of ours (we've one of each) although my wife will be having her 20 week scan on Friday and has said that she wants to find out. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to convince her otherwise . I don't think she feels as strongly about finding out as I do about not finidng out so I'm not expecting too much resistance.

My wife said it would make things easier if we knew, but was unable to say how, so let it drop pretty quickly. Us blokes don't have a great deal to do, other than tell everybody what flavour the little nipper is and (curiously) how much it weighs.

Lastly, whilst there's still a bias in some communities for boys, it's really not worth the risk. One too many women falling down stairs having found they were carrying girls. I'm not saying it's rife (perhaps a bit of an urban legend) but is it really worth the risk?

[Contrarian78]

Also, it's not always foolproof (on the NHS). A friend of ours was told they were having a girl (they already had a boy). When the little bundle arrived, it was a boy. By then they'd spent a small fortune on pink stuff. My laughing apparently wasn't an appropriate response.

[PeanutPatty]

Keep it a surprise. It makes the arguing discussions over names much more fun.

[radiatormesh]

You're right Contrarian about the bias - some hospitals don't tell the gender for precisely that reason. Makes me feel sick to think that we need to take steps to prevent people killing their babies because they don't have a penis...

[Spiritedwolf]

We choose to wait.

I understand that some people want to know everything they can about their babies and sex is one of the few things that they can find out. I'm sure there is still a surprise in finding out who baby looks like, how much hair baby has, what baby's personality is like etc.

But for me, not knowing baby's sex was part of the whole mystery of things to discover after I met baby. I think that it helped me keep my mind open about this little person that would be a part of our lives. We called our unborn baby 'Squiggle' and I think that having a name to refer to the baby can remove some of the awkwardness of referring to 'it' all the time.

Intellectually I found myself very interested in gender politics whilst I was pregnant, partly because pregnancy and childbirth bring up a lot of issues themselves, and partly because of wondering what it meant to have a 'son' or 'daughter' and examine my own expectations and assumptions about each. It gave me a chance to think about my baby as a person first, rather than me unconsciously gender stereotyping before the baby was even here.

Practically, it limited the flood of gendered clothes and toys too. I prefer bright unisex clothing and toys for babies. Partly as I plan to have several children and it makes sense to pass it on to the next baby of either sex, and partly because I wasn't a particularly girly girl myself.

Sex tells us very little about the appearance, personality and interests of our children. I come from a large family, and the sibling I have most in common with is male.

I'm not saying there is a lot of harm in finding out the sex before birth - assuming that the baby is wanted regardless of sex - (apart from anything else, not finding out just delays the problem) but just be careful to avoid assuming things about interests and personality based on sex. Try to make sure you offer girls the same activities as you would boys for instance.

Clothes, toys, baby equipment etc have become so much more gendered than they used to be. It seems counter intuitive as at the same time gender has become less important in the real world (educational opportunities, jobs, household roles...). I can only assume it is partly fashion and partly commercial pressure.

Obviously health concerns can take over the excitement of finding out the gender whether that happens at a difficult birth or at the scan, which is of course there to screen for medical issues. But generally it should be a happy little surprise whenever it happens. :) Family, friends and random strangers seemed to like guessing throughout my pregnancy though.

Funniest thing was my asking if we had a preference for what colour our baby would be and I answered 'peachy white' (DH and I are both white). She did laugh and say she meant pink or blue! I figured the pink baby would have a better apgar score...

[Tupperwife]

I had a midwife do this face when I said I wasn't bothered about finding out the gender, since the sonographer had said that it was developing normally and that was all the information I needed. Like she thought that unborn children are in some kind of quantum state, with gender undecided, until someone says 'it's a boy!'.

[babyjane14]

Having lost my baby boy soon after birth, I definitely didn't want to know the sex of my next baby, I felt I would so much want a girl it would ruin my feelings about the pregnancy.
It's one of the last mysteries.....and yes, it was a bouncing beloved daughter

[Plateofcrumbs]

Nice post spiritedwolf, the first person who has actually swayed me at all towards not finding out.

[Rhododendron]

For me personally, not finding out when the information was there, would feel like my baby had come running up to me saying "Mummy, guess what, I'm a girl/boy!" and I'd replied "Not now dear, you can tell me later".

I defo believe in bringing up babies gender-neutral, though, and in particular do NOT do the the whole pink/blue thing.

[Rhododendron]

Some previous posters have referred childbirth being a magical time to find out.

For me the scan was a magical moment when I got to see my baby for the 1st/2nd time. By contrast my experience of childbirth didn't feel at all magical; it felt like the worst day of my life and all I wanted to do afterwards was hide under a duvet and pretend it hadn't happened. So not the most romantic time to get to know your baby.

[livingzuid]

contrarian what an unpleasant sweeping generalisation you make. I don't see why it's chavvy to find out the sex. Why on earth would it be? That's a pretty offensive thing to say about those of us who chose to find out with no real explanation as to why.

I was really glad to have found out. I am in treatment with a psychologist over my relationship with my mother and was hoping/dreading having a girl as it bought back some really negative feelings. I was at first elated then totally terrified of being a shit mother. But now we found out I am able to work through it all in therapy and won't be projecting onto my daughter. I can't wait to meet her and enjoy her uniqueness and specialness.

The scan was amazing and finding out then was amazing. And my dh hates surprises. So it worked for us.

I wouldn't have been able to do any of that if we hadn't found out and instead would have had those feelings at the birth which I just didn't want. I want to enjoy the whole experience when I see her at last (as much as one can when pushing out a baby!) and not be bogged down by the past.

[TimeToPassGo]

Contrarian your use of the word 'chavvy' is such a bizarre, dim-witted choice of word that I am indeed

More importantly I wouldn't try to hard to 'convince' your wife not to find out the sex if she wants to. Most men see that their wife / partner is the one doing all the fucking work of growing a brand new human being. On that basis if she wants to find out then she should find out. All this talk of 'convincing' her and her 'letting it drop pretty quickly' because she doesn't have a good enough reason does in fact make you sound like a bullying arsehole.

Your wife's body is her own. If she wants to find out the gender of the baby growing inside, she doesn't need to convince you or anyone else, other than the person doing the scan.

[TimeToPassGo]

too hard

[Contrarian78]

livingzuid It was an unpleasant and sweeping generalisation, but I should point out that I did acknowledge that the statement was going to sound a bit "!!!**"

I haven't got anything particualrly to base the opinion on, but rather it was just a gut feeling. I suppose it'd be interesting to see whether finding out the sex was more prevalent among particular socio-economic groups. It'd either back-up or debunk my statement. Who knows or cares?

My opinions are often contrary, but I don't always mean to cause offence.

[Contrarian78]

For us, the pregnancy is (as were the other two) very much shared experiences. I've said that she can find out if she wants (she's not as bothered as you think) but that she should keep it a secret. She didn't want to do that or said she wouldn't be able to so we've agreed not to find out.

Just out of interest, would a husband/partner be permitted to find out what the baby was (by discretely checking with the stenographer afterwards) if the wife didn't want to know?

[checkmates]

A lot of couples I talk to say they want a boy and a girl. Can that be arranged