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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

PG after MC - posifrickentivity, hand holding, and smelly gush.

997 replies

IBelieveInPink · 22/06/2013 07:32

Thread for ladies who are freaking out panicking slightly when preggy after miscarriage.
Plenty of oldies. Newbies always welcome.

OP posts:
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ChocolateCremeEggBag · 28/06/2013 12:43

Guff - while what she said is technically true - it's what you expect to hear from a GP or read in a book or in an NHS guide. It's not what you want to hear from a close friend.

I have a very close friend who is completely un sentimental and straight to the point. So I often brace myself if I have touchy things to talk about - but she at the same time tries her best to smooth off her "spade is a spade" type comments.

I'd give her a pass just this once and move on

God luck with the scan later Shell (fellow accountant Grin)

I am on half day - so skipping off from the year end chaos (to read it on my Blackberry on the drive over to see DM in Cumbria)
Back on Sunday - take care everyone Bear

IBelieveInPink · 28/06/2013 12:44

Ah yes, the insensitive comments from those lucky ones who have never had to go through it. The one that really annoyed me was my 2nd pregnancy - my friend said happily, 'i don't know why you are worrying, I know it's going to be fine and you worrying isn't any good for the baby'
I asked how she knew, and she said 'I'm psychic'.
When that one ended in mc too, I was so tempted to say, could have warned me mystic meg- but I didn't :)
However the comment about worrying then made me wonder if I had caused it. Wasn't she lovely and helpful!

I think we all have the insensitive comments at some point or another, try not to let it get to you and think them lucky that they don't fully understand what they are saying. x

OP posts:
WhatWillSantaBring · 28/06/2013 13:10

I think the thing with mc is that your feelings are so personal to you, that the chances of anyone saying the "right thing" are negligible. So, for me, having the mw say "maybe you're one of those women who can only carry girls" made me want to smack her in the face, when a friend I know found that really comforting. And my sister whose theory is that "your body will carry a baby when its the right time, and lets face it, there's so much upheaval in your life now that this isn't the right time" really annoyed me.

I think even if you've had a mc it doesn't always mean you'll get it right, but at least you're more likely to stick with the only safe thing to say which is "I'm so sorry for your loss". Grin

So Guff, I also think you should give your friend a pass on this - I think she was trying to be supportive and say that she thinks you are strong and brave (and remind you that you are stronger than you think).

Remember ladies, we are all strong, resiliant and AMAZING women who have managed to survive one of life's bigger setbacks and, even more amazingly, voluntarily put ourselves through it again, putting on brave faces and never letting the world see that we're all dying a little inside because we're so terrified.

WhatWillSantaBring · 28/06/2013 13:12

There should be a list of things to say and not to say to women who've had miscarried.

SAY:

I'm so sorry for you loss.

Please let me know how I can help support you through this.

DON'T SAY:

Anything else.

PurplePest · 28/06/2013 13:13

I'm finding it so helpful being on here! It really is true - women who haven't been through a MC / MMC / scary test results etc cannot begin to imagine the feelings associated with it.

RL friends (the couple that know) tell me to be positive and have happy thoughts and not worry...and I try...but it's not easy. In fact, it's bloody hard. Remembering how hard the blow hit you before means you need to prepare yourself for any eventuality so the blow doesn't hurt as much if there is one. If that makes any sense at all!

My DM surprised me last time and just admitted she didn't know what to say or what to do as she couldn't imagine how it felt as she had never gone through it. She said she'd taken it for granted after three healthy children. It meant a lot to me at the time - the acknowledgement.

On a brighter note - yes janie WE ARE PREGNANT TODAY!!! YAY!

Have a lovely weekend in Cumbria with your DM chocolate!

shellsocks · 28/06/2013 13:23

santa can I add:

Never ask a woman who you know has lost a baby when they are gonna get round to having (another) one.

That is the most insensitive comment I have had..even had it from a friend who had lost a baby themselves Shock

GuffSmuggler · 28/06/2013 13:34

Ha garden you made me laugh! We're actually living in a pebble dash house at the moment so I'll keep that one in mind Grin

Thanks all, you have made me feel better. Glad I joined this thread, I didn't expect someone in RL to make me feel bad so early on, has put me off telling people! I know she was only trying to say the right thing though so will move on.

Oh yes shell I second that. Someone at a toddler group asked me THREE weeks after my MC if I was PG again yet - I was still bleeding from the ERPC!!

Have a super weekend chocolate

PurplePest · 28/06/2013 13:47

Just re-read a couple of messages and santa the bereavement midwife said a similar thing to me re perhaps not being able to carry boys...not sure how I feel about that tbh!

And I have to second your comment re strong, resiliant and AMAZING women!

pumpkinsweetie · 28/06/2013 14:26

Omg i'm having a mini freak out. In all my scan pics i swear there are two faces-i think i'm losing my mindGrin, even my sister can see it, surely scanner couldn't have missed an extra oneBlush

PurplePest · 28/06/2013 14:37

Gosh pumpkin...your heart must be thumping!!!

GardenWorm · 28/06/2013 15:25

I have a hacking cough - it has served as a reminder: DO YOUR PELVIC FLOOR EXERCISES! I have seriously thought I was going to wee myself on several occasions over the last few days (it's reminding me of the lack of control you have down there in the days after child birth!) Grin

Pentagon · 28/06/2013 15:53

guff I would also be upset by such a comment! I agree with what everyone mentioned above - women who have never experienced a miscarriage or missed miscarriage have no idea how devastating it is and often say hurtful things without realising...

santa, purple a friend said the same to me i.e. "maybe you can only carry girls" - I ignored it because I've never heard anything of that sort before and doubt it has any scientific basis but if a midwife said this to you I'm starting to wonder if there's any truth to it. At the same time, I know quite a few women who have had one or more MCs or MMCs and have a boy and a girl....so I really don't know what to think...has anyone else heard such a thing before? jmf you're a doctor, aren't you? Could it be true?

shell thinking of you!!

jessw25 · 28/06/2013 16:13

Guff - I'd have been upset by that comment too! People just don't know how to talk to ladies who've had a mc do they. Even when I was in hospital for ERPC surgery I found that, until a lovely consultant came down to personally apologise for the delay at what must be a difficult time for be (kept getting put back as they had lots of emergencies) and her final line was "and I'm also just very sorry for your loss" which was the kindest thing any of the staff had said to me in 48 hrs of being in there waiting for the op and I just burst into uncontrollable and embarrassing tears at the sentiment!

Jmf - yay to hearing that heartbeat! It's a magical moment :-)

pumpkin - wow imagine if bit was twins.... my good friend has just had twin girls and they are adorable!

shellsocks · 28/06/2013 19:43

Hi everyone Smile Scan was amazing, very emotional...cried buckets then hugged and kissed the sonographer Blush

All was fine and we managed to keep the sex a surprise although they looked so like DS I'm even more convinced its another boy Smile

Very happy and very tired now Grin

Pentagon · 28/06/2013 19:54

aaaawwwww, congratulations shell!Wonderful news, so happy for you!x

JanieLovesLuckySocks · 28/06/2013 20:11

aw shell that's so brilliant!!!! delighted it all went well! what a fab start to the weekend :) :)

BumpKitty · 28/06/2013 21:15

Hey all, great news shell

It's been an emotional day for me as the charity that my mum worked for had a memorial service for her, it was lovely but very very hard, maybe even harder than the funeral perhaps due to my hormones. Anyway, i'm glad it is done.

I have wondered about the boy thing, being as I'm having DD2, a lot of the chromosomal disorders are carried on the Y gene so can only manifest themselves in boys, but a lot of people have mc who don't have faulty Y genes so, although it is definitely a possibility, I expect it accounts for very few mc percentage wise (completely non medical opinion!).

Off too London zoo tomorrow :)

BumpKitty · 28/06/2013 21:16

to not too

jmf294 · 28/06/2013 21:39

Shell- congratulations, hope you can have a nice relaxing sleep tonight knowing all is good.

Bump- sorry to hear of the loss of your mum, it must be a very hard time for you, but how lovely her colleagues held the memorial.

I had a google about the MC and gender. I had also thought about the Y chromosome conditions but then saw research about risk increasing if you have a son as your first child. Who knows- far from my area of expertise!!

BlackholesAndRevelations · 28/06/2013 21:54

Shell- congratulations!! Great news on the scan.

Bump- so sorry about your mum Sad xxx

My adjusted risk came back: 1:2052! Thank goodness for that.

BlackholesAndRevelations · 28/06/2013 21:55

Ps jmf are you really a doctor?! Much respect! (brainy lady)

pumpkinsweetie · 28/06/2013 22:07

shell wonderful news on your scanSmile xx

Sorry to hear about your loss of your mum xxx

JanieLovesLuckySocks · 28/06/2013 22:29

aw bump i bet it was a tough day for you and very emotional. but what a lovely thing of her colleagues to have arranged. hugs x

IBelieveInPink · 28/06/2013 22:36

Shell - that's fabulous. So pleased for you.

Bump - sounds like that was probably very hard, but very lovely.

I have had a horrid day. The people I work with are actually horrid people. Spend half the day so angry I got a bit worried about my blood pressure, then came home to an empty house because DH is away this weekend and just cried. Sorry, very me me I know, but just needed a rant. Thank you for listening :)

OP posts:
Pentagon · 28/06/2013 22:37

bump sorry to hear about your mum, I can imagine the service was a very emotional event to attend Flowers

pumpkin can it be that the baby isn't posing in profile but has his/her head turned to the side? My 20-week scan photo is like that but the sonographer explained when she took it - I wasn't very impressed but was too embarrassed to ask for a different photo...

OK, I still don't know what to think of this theory - I've also heard "maybe she can only carry boys only" for other women (by the same friend). I know that some women miscarry because their body mistakes the embryo for a virus and attacks and kills it (a family friend had this problem and had several miscarriages until a doctor diagnosed it and gave her the right medication during the first few weeks of her pregnancy) but I doubt a woman's body can identify the sex of the embryo and attack accordingly....could it be that some men's X or Y sperm is weaker or defective? I guess only a gyneacologist or geneticist could help with these questions Hmm