At what age is pregnancy acceptable to you?

[MrsWindsor]

Hi all. I'm new to this (long time lurker).

Whether you're pregnant or have been, I'm looking for a little wisdom here:

I know there's no 'right' age to have a child and that you can never really be fully prepared for what it entails - but what would you say is a good age to consider it? Obviously everyone is different but I'm just really interested to know.

I'd love to have children of my own one day, and although I know myself well enough to know when it's right for me, a little wisdom from those already walking in those shoes would be nice :)

Quite late for what though, lovechoc? Quite late for the children? Quite late for the mother's body? Quite late for society?

Who are you to cast that kind of judgment on anybody? Those people that said they wish they'd started earlier are individuals, with their own lives.

You made a sweeping, offensive generalisation applying to everyone on this thread who started or is starting "late" by your standards.

In my twenties, I was a hot mess and I am not afraid to admit that. I was reckless, immature, irresponsible. It took a long time for me to grow up, get ready to start a family, be the kind of person I wanted to be to become a great mother. Yet by your standards, that's better - to be an irresponsible, immature mess of a parent because later on, when I became what I wanted to be - that's too late?

Please!

The age/fertility stuff is averages. You quite simply cannot say that an individual's fertility dives at 35. I didnt have regular periods until my late 20s!!! My great grandmother had 6 kids after the age of 35 . My old next door neighbour tried for years before having her first at 32 and her 3rd at 40.

I wasnt ready for children until my 30s (married at 23). By that point we were financially secure which takes a lot of stress away. I know a couple of people who are always moaning that their house is too small and if they'd not had children for a few years then things would be different.

It depends on your priorities somewhere between 18 and 45 I reckon OP!

I'm getting offended lovechoc because your kind of post upsets me - don't act like we go through life untouched by others' opinions.

I would never dream of saying to a young mother - ooooh, you were far too young - but it's OK for me to say that and don't get upset, it's just my opinion

This thread was entirely about what was right for each and everyone of us. Not what is right in general.

bettybat, as far as I can assume from what the OP asked, she's asking for advice, as I did too.
This doesn't seem a discussion about which one did right or wrong, it's more about asking what to do or when.

Of course at 40 or 45 you're not as fit as you were at 20.

You seem to be the only one taking it all to heart, bettybat, and there are others who've had children a lot older than yourself! I may be seen as young and immature to those older than myself, lacking experience in life, etc. But I won't take it personally, it is just someone else's take on it - doesn't mean it's fact.

35 plus is absolutely fine if it works for you, but the odds that it won't go smoothly (mc, infertility, multiples, chromosomal abnormality) increase significantly year on year. If you don't get hit by any of those issues then that's excellent, but ideally you'd be able to start your family earlier and keep your risks low.

Over 45, even if you do have a problem-free pg then your risk of one parent dying or sustaining incapacitating health problems while your DC are young enough to need you is, to my mind, unacceptably high - but I am very risk averse.

I think you should have a child when you're ready, no matter what the digits! My nanna (R.I.P) had mum when she was 40, mum had me when she was 33, I want to start trying for a child in three-four years. All very different, and I hope can be as a good a mother as the two women I hold dearest to my heart.

I only took lovechoc's comment that "32 is quite late to be starting a family" as it smacks of exactly what is right or wrong. Not what anyone else said, or the thread.

It is one thing to say a particular age is right for you, or a particular age is too late for you. It is another thing entirely to say that age is young/late overall.

But I guess since I am the only one who got offended by that kind of comment, it doesn't count

I am 39 and pg with DC1. I only met DP 3 years ago and suffered 3 miscarriages - hence the reason why I am a bit late.

I think it is completely personal and down to circumstance soon.

What really really winds me up is when people start baging on about 'career women who CHOOSE to leave child bearing until late 30's / early 40's'. For some people it is not a choice - I didn't meet anyone I wanted to have children with until I was 36, so yes I could have gone out and got pregnant by anyone when I was 20 but I wanted to meet someone to share having children with.

I am now financially settled, good job etc and able to support a child. However, I do realise I will mostly be knackered over the coming years too!

Lurking I agree - when you have a child is such a big decision it is right only when you feel it is, such a personal thing and everyone has such different circumstances in their life, not least when you meet the father!

I know one lady who conceived and gave birth to all her 3 children naturally and without problems in her 40's. She is full of life and energy and is a brilliant Mum. So the whole age debate is full of exceptions and contradictions and outstanding examples at both ends of the scale. :)

Just to add to the mix, after my post some several pages ago now in which I stated that the average age in 2010 for first time mums was 27.8... Another interesting statistic was that 48% of babies born in that year were born to mums 30 or over.

Clearly the average age of motherhood is increasing, with the number of people going to university increasing, the greater extent of travel etc meaning that (perhaps) we are less likely to want to 'settle down' or even have the possibility of meeting someone to have a child with, plus the fantastic health care we have which means our fertility period and life expectancy can (in some cases, artificially) increased beyond those of a couple of decades ago.

I know that my own mum married at 19 but only had me at 28 (following an MC) and she was considered very old to be a first time mum in the late 70s/early 80s. Now, a 28 year old Mum is considered to be the norm...

The trouble with a thread such as this is that it is personal and possibly to cause offence very easily - often comments about personal choices are taken as criticisms of others' decisions, albeit unintentionally, and sometimes when those decisions are not entirely of one's own making.

'Acceptable' is a difficult word - it has connotations of judgement. If you are to answer in a purely literal way, the acceptable age would be 'when old enough to give legal consent' surely?

Everyone makes difficult choices and decisions based on their own personal circumstances at that time, and may/may not have made the same choices again at a different time or in different circumstances. It doesn't mean anyone has done something 'wrong'.

I guess the real question is whether you feel you have to justify your choices to anyone. I want to try for a baby in 2014 when I will have finished my course, but I realistically know at least at the moment that I wouldn't be emotionally ready at 22 even if DP and I are responsible, financially stable and extremely broody!!! Yes, him too. :)

Lots of people will read this post and assume we will be broken up by then. I can't see the future so who knows? I hope not but I'm not that disillusioned. Some people will think DP should never have a child due to his severe genetic illness that his mother has 10x worse.

I guess I just don't care what other people find 'acceptable' any more. I get glares when walking down the street with my 'niece' because I am quite slight and have a baby face so I look like a fifteen year old mum. That's their problem, not mine.

I know it's easy to say 'just don't care' but the reality is when you have lived a life of judgement you do what you want and what will make you happy. No point bringing a child into the world when it won't make YOU happy!

By the way ten mins ago I got a call. My older 'sister' just had DD2. Beautiful strawberry blonde curls like DD1, seven pounds exact!

*Severe genetic mental illness.

Hello everybody

Chunkychicken - I regret using the word acceptable in the thread. I agree, it does sound really judgmental. That's not what I wanted from the thread. Just looking for some advice really. Just different examples to mull over.

It's been really interesting, thank you for all your comments :) myself and DH had a long conversation about it all last night and want to give ourselves another two years to get some stuff out of the way but then we will start trying :) how exciting! Could take a while due to PCOS but figured... I got married young because I wanted to live my life now, not in the future. Same goes for children. But, that's just me :)

Lurking congrats! Happy news :)

But bettybat you missed off the crucial first part of lovechoc's statement... "IMO" . .

MrsWindsor wasn't criticising, more pointing out why it might seem as if people were being offensive, iyswim. Glad you've had that discussion and made plans - but remember, best laid plans and all that...

I certainly dont wish I'd started earlier.....

Havn't read any replies.

I think from 17 on pregnancy is perfectly acceptable. Younger bodies (and sometimes even minds) are more suited to having babies. What's wrong with young mums? They are around for a longer period of their childrens lives, I think it's lovely.

For me the perfect age to have your first child is 30, you can work hard and have plenty of fun in your 20s, by the time you turn 30 you are more mature, more settled and you still have energy for parenting small children.

I had DD at 21, Want at least 1 more (probably 3) and to be done by the time im 30 fingers crossed!

gnocci I get that she used that expression - it doesn't make it right, it doesn't absolve the comment from being hurtful. "In my opinion" - I think a lot of mean, hurtful things about people, their choices, make judgments etc - I would never say them though! I don't buy the whole "in my opinion thing" - it's too easy to say something judgmental, hurtful or offensive and not get called out on it.

Then lovechoc posted about how she was basically been proven right because some people had been honest about perhaps they would have started earlier - like that somehow proved her opinion as fact, that 32 is getting too old. So what - does she think her opinion is now fact?"

MrsWindsor of course it's an entirely great thread :) I apologise for derailing it a little. I am 100% pro everyone's choices on this thread because it is an intensely personal decision, and so the very best of luck with whatever you and your husband decide.

I shall stop banging on it about it all now :)

Chunkychicken I know you weren't, I just thought about how it might look to some after posting it but couldn't change it! :) As for the plans... well, let's call them a loose guideline :P

bettybat no worries!! Thank you very much :)

there isn't a good time to have a baby.

i wanted to from age 23...managed first at 29.....with second and third following swiftly on...

maybe younger would have been better.

but then i would have got to enjoy the shallow single life in my twenties so much - there is a trade off. once you have kids, a great many options get more difficult.

I didn't meet anyone who wanted a family until I was in my mid 40s. Got pg accidentally and sailed through it. I'm much more laid back about everything and have been blessed with a very easy child.

I don't think I would have wanted to juggle building a career with childcare, it's much easier now. Plus I had more disposable income and energy for travelling when I was in my 20s and 30s. Plus if I'd had children early I don't think I'd have wanted to be trying to help fund university/weddings/house deposits for DC plus my own mortgage/bills and fund exotic holidays now where I'd want a much better standard of hotel

I don't think there is any right age - you can experience problems at any age and how you cope with children depends on so much more on your outlook, situation, health and support rather than your age.