At what age is pregnancy acceptable to you?

[MrsWindsor]

Hi all. I'm new to this (long time lurker).

Whether you're pregnant or have been, I'm looking for a little wisdom here:

I know there's no 'right' age to have a child and that you can never really be fully prepared for what it entails - but what would you say is a good age to consider it? Obviously everyone is different but I'm just really interested to know.

I'd love to have children of my own one day, and although I know myself well enough to know when it's right for me, a little wisdom from those already walking in those shoes would be nice :)

Long and short of it, I dropped out of uni at 18, ran off down to London, had an amazing time bumming around doing all sorts but took aaaaages to get myself together! I am genuinely shocked at how many people married so young - really, really not judgy at ALL - just maybe it took me so much longer and was a slow starter, I couldn't imagine being married at 24 or something, never mind a mother.

For me it wasn't even about sorting my career out - I just simply hadn't met the person I wanted to marry and have children with. From the age of 17 I had lots of long term relationships, all with very nice men who I could easily have married and had a "nice" life with. But it wasn't good enough - I didn't want nice enough - I loved them but that wasn't enough.

Then at 25-turning-26 I met my wonderful, wonderful husband, and fell very deeply in love. But felt no rush to get married...I feel like we needed time as individuals to grow up, grow into the people we are now, grow as a couple. I spent a few years having a lot of fun, developing a career...

At 30 we got married, at 31 I am 21 weeks pregnant with our first. We still rent and while it would have been nice to be able to buy our own home, and I can honestly say - hand-on-heart - I have never, ever been happier in my whole life.

20+ depending on emotional maturity and stability of both parents.

I intend (well, hope) to be a young mother however I know women with two/three years on me whose children are being raised by 'adults' that never grew up. :( So it really depends on individual circumstance IMHO.

I had DS when I was 22 and I'll be just short of my 25th birthday when DD is born. By the time DS arrived DH and I were married, we both had good jobs with plenty of savings and disposable income and had bought our first house. We didn't see any reason to wait and we both felt that if we waited until we could 'afford' children, we would never have any!

I think the only problem I've had with being a fairly young mother is that I feel quite self-concious and feel that both DS and I have to be on 'best behaviour' at all times when we're out and about. It doesn't help that DH is mixed race and DS is Scandinavian-white and I've had quite a lot of thoughtless/nasty comments about DH not being his father. Other than that and sometimes being envious of friends the same age jetting off on lovely holidays, I'm glad we had DS when we did. I feel that once he and DD leave home we'll still have time to enjoy ourselves! There's also no rush to complete our family asap, unlike many of my mummy friends who had smaller age gaps than they really wanted because they're in their late 30s and felt the clock ticking. Theoretically we have another 15 years we could try to have another DC so we can see how it goes.

As to what is 'acceptable', I think it very much depends on the person and their situation. I think it's very sad when girls get pregnant before they've completed their education and also when women have babies who don't stand much chance of having their mums around in their 20's. Apart from those extreme cases, IME age isn't a very good indicator of how good a parent a woman (or a man) will be. A 30 year old woman could be a dreadful mother while a 16 year old could have wanted a baby for years and years, really try her best and raise her DC beautifully in a home full of love.

See, bettybat, to me 31 sounds early! I was around that age when DH and I first got together, never mind getting married or having a child. I had not planned it that way. I have only one child, who arrived when I was 37, and I would have liked more but I am too old. My fertility just wasn't up to it.

If I could do it all again, I think I'd have children earlier and lots more of them, not stress so much about whether or not I was in exactly the right circumstances, and hopefully have the whole pregnancy thing over with by my mid-twenties with at least three children/babies. I didn't realise when I was that age that I'd still be relatively young and able to enjoy myself in my mid-forties...

My mother had her first at 19 and her last at 47! She liked all of it. She does say it was all quite different, though. She also had small age gaps and large age gaps between children. I quizzed her about what was best (like I could even choose, idiot me with my one child and no age gap at all) and her considered opinion was that it was all good, apart from the bit where she had a fifteen month old and a newborn and that was awful (but only for about a year, apparently).

Im 29 and I am due my first in August. For me I wanted a baby before I was 30. However at 24 I never wanted children, met my DP at 25 and everything changed.

The reason I chose now was quite calculated. I was at a point in my life where I either wanted to go down a new career route, or to start a family. I didn't want to do both because it has taken me a few years to get established in my current role and I wouldn't feel happy going to another job knowing I would only be there a year or two at most.

physically I am aware that I am not as fit as I was at 24. I have had issues with my joints all my life and looking at my family age is only going to cause me more problems, I wanted to be a mum that could get down on the floor and play with her kids.

I am not financially well off, but never see myself as being well off, just does not happen in my field of work!

In my ideal world i will be pregnant again at 32 and then thats me. That is all I want.

Most of my friends and family of similiar ages either have children, or are pregnant so socially I feel as though I am not missing out. I have always been a home bird and not so much a party animal so I am happy to start a family.

Ha Haberdashery just goes to show. It is entirely horses for courses, and life leads us down a merry old path that is entirely our own

See the thing for me is, I don't think in terms of "I would have like to have had my first at 26" or whatever. It was all about meeting my DH - I don't think children were on my radar before I met him because to be honest - my evolutionary brain dismissed everyone else. Hahaha! I used to call him the "perfect specimen" for a while when we first got together, jokingly alluding to him being the perfect mate to give me children (Haha, thank god it made him laugh!).

So I just cannot imagine having children before I met DH because having children is so completely wrapped up "having" him too. Maybe if we'd met a lot earlier, we'd have had children a lot earlier but it's still dependent in my mind on it being with him.

And you do make your choices. I am not suggesting for one second this describes anyone else, but a girl I know - 23 - all she wanted to do was get married and have children. She loves her DH but she is not, in her words, wildly passionately in love with him. She just wanted the marriage and children and he is a very nice man who gave her that, and she foresees a nice life with him and their child(ren when she has more!). That is enough for her, and I wish her well...though I wonder about 10, 15 years down the line, if it will still be enough. I think it is because my own parents married in very similar circumstances, and I never felt my brother and I were the product of a couple deeply in love. And as it turned out, 10, 15 years later it wasn't enough for my parents anymore. Maybe that's why it was so important to me to find the man that gave me everything I could ever want in a relationship first, before children?

I sometimes think about the boyfriends I could have married, quite easily because they were very nice and I loved them. But it just wasn't enough, and though I feel like there was little conscious decision making going on about it, I thank my lucky stars that I held out and met my DH. He is absolutely the greatest love of my life, six years on and I am still giddy like a schoolgirl when I see him. I remember when we were getting married, I was reading about nice things to put in a speech and one was: don't marry the one you can live with; marry the one you can't live without. That pretty much summed up my previous relationships, and current life with DH.

I do worry a little - I'll be 32 when I have my first in September - that maybe the second or third won't happen. But then you know, who can say! A friend at work...she was 7 years younger than me and it took her a year to conceive while it took us a month. If anything I'm realising more and more it is impossible to predict how these things will turn out, and if it does turn out that we only have one....well I always be grateful for the one we have!

I had my two at 32 and 33. In terms of marriage, maturity etc it was the right time but I had already begun to struggle with health issues I'd not had in my 20s... and honestly, I wish I'd started younger.

I was 18 when I fell pregnant with DS and if I could change it I'd still have him at 18. I was engaged to his dad at the time and we were both financially independent and living together.

I find it out that people are saying 32 or whatever "sounds young". How is that young to have a first baby?! I am genuinely surprised by that. Must be a real shift in the tide of childbearing age happening.

out = odd

I was 21 and 25 (married, mortgaged and all that faff) when I had mine and I am so glad I was young.

What I didn't expect was to find out at 30 that I have a degenerative (although not life shortening) condition that is gradually limiting me physically and causing me more pain, I'm 34 now and if I were deciding about children now I would be too scared to have them in case I was unable to bring them up myself.

oddboots that is how I thought of it all too. I am relieved I had them young, because I'm not in the best health myself either. There's no way I'd be having children now (am 29) or planning them, because it would not be fair to go through the pregnancy and early years feeling being not in the best of health.

IMO, 32 is actually quite late to be starting a family, especially if you want more than 2 or 3 of them. Agree with you gnocci.

I don't think 32 is old to be thinking about a family - but I was born when my mum was 37, and my sister when she was 41, so we've grown up with that as the norm.

I didn't expect to have children before my early/mid 30s. I wanted career, husband, house all sorted before I even considered it.

I married DH when I was 25, we bought a house earlier this year, and I'm currently 15 weeks pregnant. It has all worked out, it's just earlier than I thought it would. I'm further ahead compared to a lot of my peer group but I think a lot of that is because I met DH when I did.

Ideal world I would think 25-35. Combination of physically young enough to be low risk in terms of health problems but mature enough to manage.

Total generalisation though - loads of women are mature enough (and stable enough in their finances and relationship) in their early 20s, some even in their teens, and loads of 35+ women are in tip top physical health and have plenty of healthy eggs left.

I'm 31 and pg with DC1 at the moment, although we started trying 2 years ago. If it was up to me, I'd have happily started trying at about 27 but DH wasn't ready. In my friendship group, the vast majority of my female friends of around my age have had their first child in the last year or so or are pregnant now. I think your peer/friendship group are definitely an indirect influence on when you have children, as is career.

Ideally I would have had all 3 of mine before the age of 30 if I'm being honest. I was 24 when I fell pg with DS, we had a house but frankly not a pot to piss in! Dh was self employed & i was on a bare minimum wage and gladly took anything second hand that was given to us.
Fast forward 12years, DD2 is 3 months old and I was the only mum at DS's high school open evening with a baby bump. We're much more financially stable now but it's taken us ages to be in this position and I'm glad we didn't wait. I'm too close to 40 do to this again, the last time really took it out if me..

I'm 36 and currently pregnant with my first child. I would have liked to have started a family earlier (around the age of 30) but didn't meet the right bloke til two years ago. We moved in together after a year and that worked out well so started trying and consider ourselves very lucky to have fallen pregnant within six months.

I would definitely suggest starting earlier rather than later as I've seen with lots of my friends that it can take longer than you thought it would and if you need to get cycles sorted out (PCOS can be helped by diet, if I remember rightly) that takes time too.

I've I know 3 couples who met when they were 19, then waited 15 years for the perfect scenario of house + settled job etc etc before trying for a family and then finding that they haven't managed to get pregnant. I find that incredibly sad. A baby doesn't care whether you have a house or not - love and food and fresh air are available to all.

It does seem that in London, 36 isn't that old to be having kids. Perhaps because housing is so expensive people put it off? I don't know. The midwife wasn't remotely concerned about my age which was a relief.

When you're ready.

I had ds at 19, and i would say don't take it for granted that you can have dc after 38ish (though obviously not at any ages).

Personally id say 18-35, but when you're ready.

I'm in Manchester area and having my first baby at 34 didn't seem odd, certainly everyone in my peer group is about the same, my local sure start group had a wide mix and the midwife didn't bat an eyelid. So if you are waiting till later I don't think you should feel like the odd one out wherever you are.

I don't think 30 is old to be having a baby. Yikes if 30 is old!

I am in much better health now than I was when I was in my early twenties, and I had no problems conceiving. But I guess I am old to be pregnant with my first and turning 32 on Sunday.

Of course 30 isn't too old. I think the majority of babies in the UK now are born to mothers in their 30s (can't remember where I read that!). Yes there are certain risks that increase with maternal age, but being early 30s is not a cause for concern, especially if you're in fairly good shape.

I hope not anyway. I'm 31 and we only just started trying! Admittedly we only want one, or two at the most. If you hope to have a big family it may be worth starting a bit earlier if possible.

Strange because I checked the site to post a similar thread.

I'm now 40 and I moved in together with a wonderful and nice guy, a lot younger than me though. Recently, he expressed some ideas about having babies in the future. I never knew what to answer to him and changed the topic. I always thought I wasn't going to have babies so late in life. Not that I wouldn't want them, quite the opposite. But I really feel old. I didn't use to be like that until recently, but I suffered like hell in my last relationship (I got abuse and I was even raped by my ex) so that made me grow 10 years older than I should be.

So just wondering... is there an appropriate age to have babies? Should I ask for some doctor's advice too?

I really dislike this assigning of values to ages thing. You do what is right for you. How could you possibly gauge whether 32 is "quite late to be starting a family" for an individual?

You might have a preference for yourself and your family, but that does not apply to anyone else in the world, and the mass generalisation that an arbitrary figure is quite late to be starting is irritating.

It seems many on this thread who started later wished they'd started earlier. You can take from that what you will...

bettybat you don't need to take others opinions personally. They are not right or wrong, just opinions!