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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Gender - To know or not to know?

169 replies

justlemonade · 07/02/2012 22:07

20 week scan on Monday and I really can't decide whether to find out the gender or not. DH would like to. We have a DD who is 3yrs and she keeps talking about her 'baby brother' so I'd like to be able to prepare her for what is to come.

We didn't find out the gender with DD and I loved the surprise at the end of labour, but I don't know what to do for the best this time.

Sorry if this seems a trivial post as I know lots of people are asking for help with serious problems on this board. I just want to know what you all think the pros and cons are???

OP posts:

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NeverKnowinglyUnderstood · 07/02/2012 22:10

for me.. the decision to find out was based on my feeling that i needed this baby to be a girl. I was delighted to have time to realise all the wonderful things about having 2 boys. By the time DS2 was born we were so excited about meeting him.
I had convinced myself I knew she was a girl so it would have been quite hard to be so happy to meet him and be disapointed at the same time.

I KNOW it isnt popular to have a preference, but I really really did. I love DS2 to bits, and wouldnt change him for the world.

Snowboarder · 07/02/2012 22:23

Justlemonade , I've been thinking about this a lot too. I have a DS who is 10 mo and am 14 weeks pregnant with my second DC. We found out with DS as he flashed at me (NO mistaking what flavour he was!) but this time, with the baby definitely being our last I am tempted to go for a surprise. My last pregnancy ended suddenly with an EMCS at 28 weeks and was so scary and medicalised, I just wonder if having that surprise may bring some magic into this pregnancy?

On the other hand I am spending lots of time examining myself mentally to see if I have any hidden gender preference. I feel strongly that this baby is a girl, and although I would say I don't care either way, I wonder if I spend the whole pregnancy expecting a girl and I GET a boy, whether there will be a bit of disappointment there? Maybe like Neverknowinglyunderstood , finding out will help me 'come to terms' with whatever gender we are having?

Neverknowinglyunderstood , would you mind telling me some more about how you came to terms with finding out about your second son? Did the news eventually sink in over the course of your pregnancy or did something happen/ someone say something to make you feel differently? My DH comes from a family of all boys, so I can well imagine that our DC2 will be another boy as well.

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood · 07/02/2012 22:29

No worries Snowboarder. Honestly - I cried for 3 days. but then the more people said "we could try again" it made me cross, it was like this pregnancy had failed and that just wasnt true I had a gorgeous healthy baby growing well in my womb. I know they were reacting to my reaction but it put it all into place for me.

We chose a name and by the time a week had passed I was looking forward to having to mischievious monkeys. Had projected ahead to 2 lads going to the pub together etc. I started to think about the bond 2 brothers would have in a way that a brother and a sister would be different.

Having 2 boys is awesome, I would now happily have a 3rd/4th son but Dh has put his foot down and we have stopped at 2. Hope all goes well for you x

Snowboarder · 07/02/2012 22:35

Thanks for being so honest Neverknowinglyunderstood . I have always always wanted a daughter as I wanted to replicate the close bond I had with my own mum, but I love my son so much that I can't possibly imagine being disappointed with another boy. I do wonder though if actually I am kidding myself and having a second DS might take a little time to get my head around? Starting to think that even if a tiny bit of me is questioning my possible reaction then it makes sense to find out beforehand so I can do all the processing during the pregnancy rather than when he or she arrives. It's a hard one.

ReneeVivien · 07/02/2012 22:37

Having a sex preference was also part of my reason for wanting to know. I wanted to have time to prepare myself to welcome this baby, not an imagined baby, and I didn't want to risk feeling even a frisson of disappointment at the moment of birth. (I now think I was daft as a brush about this, and would have been thrilled with either boy or girl )

I also had spent many, many years trying to start a family, and felt this was my absolute last chance. I was fearing a bad outcome, and wanted the pregnancy to feel as real and joyous as possible for as long as it could. (It all turned out fine, by the way.)

Finally, I didn't feel I needed a 'surprise' at the birth: I predicted - accurately - that I would be completely shocked and overwhelmed, whatever the outcome

I don't think there are any significant pros and cons for most people. I remember a friend fervently trying to argue me out of finding out the sex, and being really puzzled that she had such strong feelings about it. Surely this is one of the few parenting choices that don't matter very much? Do whatever feels right!

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood · 07/02/2012 22:39

I think that is it - for me it was all about the relationship with my Mum. I wanted to show that I could have a good relationship with a daughter even though I didn't with her.

It helped me knowing ahead, but everyone is different.

justhayley · 08/02/2012 00:05

I found out as soon as possible - I wasn't patient enough to wait! I really really wanted a girl as well & thought if I knew it was a boy it would give me time to get used to the idea.
I am indeed having a boy & have totally bonded with him and am not upset AT ALL that He's not a girl now. I think I knew in my heart I was having a boy anyway & although was disappointed for an hour tops this went very quickly & I can't imagine it any other way now.
For me personally I don't think it's spoilt the surprise, I think if I hadn't known I wouldn't have bonded as well with him pre birth, plus for room stuff and clothes it makes things so much easier to know!
I'm now 28 weeks & dying to meet my baby boy

MissCoffeeNWine · 08/02/2012 00:07

I found out my last baby's sex at post mortem, and knowing that is a possibility with this baby too, I will be finding out as much as I can as early as I can.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 08/02/2012 02:13

MissCoffee {{hug}}

Me personally? Id like the surprise.

WillCrossThatBridge · 08/02/2012 02:33

We asked first time 'round but DD was crossing her legs. However, we both strongly felt she was a girl to the extent we didn't even check the sex straight away, told the MW the girl's name when she asked and then went "oops, wait, better check it IS a girl".

Second time around, OH was really yearning for a boy and I thought it would be good to be able to prepare DD so we did find out. We didn't let on to everyone else that we knew, though, so we'd have the fun of announcing the birth, name and sex at one time! Also, a friend was told, after a 3d scan taht she was definitely having a boy and it turned out not to be so we didn't take it as a definite answer until he was born.

I do like the idea of a surprise but I also feel that is some bloody sonographer can see and knows, then we, the parents should surely know too!

thejaffacakesareonme · 08/02/2012 02:52

We decided not to find out at the 20 week scan. The sonographer emphasised that although they could try to tell us the sex they couldn't guarantee it and that they were wrong on occasion. We decided that we didn't want to run the risk that they'd get it wrong with us.

Boomerwang · 08/02/2012 03:25

I wanted to find out but I was given my scans too early and I'd have to pay privately for another one. So it's going to be a surprise but I hope it's a girl as I just can't think of my baby as being a boy. We've got the perfect girl's name and no idea for a boy's name.

I just wanted to be able to think of the baby as 'her' or 'she' rather than 'it', and to get into that mindset early on.

Alligatorpie · 08/02/2012 04:04

MissCoffee, I am sorry for your loss.

With my dd we didn't find out, but I thought we would with this baby. My dd (6) desperately wants a sister, and although we only have girls in my family (7 cousins, all girls) I really feel this baby is a boy. However, I have been wrong before! But I didn't want her to be disappointed, and finding out would give me time to prepare her.
So we took dd to the 20 week scan and she decided she didnt want to find out as she wanted a surprise. We told the dr. that it was dd's decision and she didn't want to know. at the end of the scan, the dr leaned over to me and whispered, " it is probably a girl!"
I told dh, but we are not telling anyone else. What does probably mean anyway? But I am in Egypt, so I get monthly scans. I think it would be unlikely that I didn't get see for myself over the next few months.

I think you will be happy with whatever sex the baby is, as much as I would love another girl, I am preparing myself for a boy and I am good with that. I just want him / her to be healthy!

The3Bears · 08/02/2012 07:12

I have to find out, I dont think I could handle not knowing im too impatient and am going to have a 3d scan aswell. I dont like calling baby 'it' either i'd rather say he or she.

With ds I knew he was a boy from about 14 weeks I just thought he was a boy and I was right, with this one im only 13 weeks but the pregnancy has been so different im thinking it could be a girl but then again it could be anything making me feel different so Im not bothered either way tbh and ds really wants a brother

Ragwort · 08/02/2012 07:17

I just wanted a surprise - its one of the few things in life that genuinely is a total surprise so I was happy to wait. I had absolutely no strong feelings for either sex and I knew it would be our first and last baby and it really didn't occur to us to want to know the sex of the baby. I sort of assumed I was having a DD - don't know why - so it was even more of a surprise when DS arrived .

melliebobs · 08/02/2012 09:08

After not being able to find put at the 20 week scan the now knowing was driving me and DH insane. I'm a control freak and like to be prepared an clothes shopping for an unknown baby was a bloody nightmare. Ontop of this I was getting bored of people telling me it was a boy because of x,y,z. And although I didn't have a major preference over the sex I didn't want my first reaction after the birth to be 'oh' and feel like I had to get used to it. So at Xmas we had a 4d scan and found out it's a girl and now I can't wait to meet out lil princess!!!!!!

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 08/02/2012 11:02

I didn't find out with DD and did with DS. I liked it better having a surprise at the birth. But we tried to keep DS being a boy a secret which was a mistake (not least as it kept slipping out). We should have either found out and told people or not found out.

paulapantsdown · 08/02/2012 11:18

I found out with my second, as I knew he would be my last, and I had this stupid idea that I needed to know if he was a boy so that I could get my dissapointment over with before he arrived that I would not be having any girls. This was, of course, ridiculous!

I think that life is full of surprises, most of them horrible. A baby is the only genuine great surprise left.

vess · 08/02/2012 11:18

I found out with all three. The first two times I really wanted to know; the third one could have been a surprise, but DS wanted a brother and DD wanted a sister, so I wanted them to know rather than being disappointed on the day of the birth.

Chuffles · 08/02/2012 11:19

At my scan the sonographer said I was having a girl. A very wriggly girl. So it was rather a surprise when he was born

Quenelle · 08/02/2012 11:19

I didn't want to find out with DS and wouldn't if I were ever pregnant again either.

I wouldn't find clothes shopping or nursery decoration a problem. I think all newborns look beautiful in white and I like their room to be lovely bright colours. I don't do pink and blue.

zanz1bar · 08/02/2012 11:21

Cons, no surprise

Pros, if it is a girl you can use all the hand me downs from your dd, if a boy time to go through the hand me downs that could suit a boy. One packet of blue dye can revamp a lot of clothes.

If you are on a budget, finding out can help a lot.

vess · 08/02/2012 11:22

And anyway, seeing your baby for the first time IS a surprise, weather you know the sex or not.

bumbez · 08/02/2012 11:22

We didn't find out with our first born, I had a strong feeling that it was a girl and she was. My second child my DD admited that he was hoping for a boy, so we found out at 20 weeks 'twas another girl.
He was disappointed but glad to have found out so he could get used to it. For me I wished we hadn't known its kind of like opening presents early.

curiousgeorgie · 08/02/2012 11:26

I felt so sure I was carrying a girl (hyperemesis from the day I found out until about a week before she was born) that I had to find out, in case I was wrong and it would upset me, not that I wouldn't have been thrilled with a boy, I wanted ANY baby :) but because I was so sure we'd picked out a name, talked about 'her' and basically created a little person in our heads, so I had to know if it was true!

I'm pregnant again, and I'm going to find out, I'd love another girl (to use up all this stuff again!) but I know DH would love a boy....

I think the surprise at the scan gives you another lovely day, having a baby is wonderful enough on its own :p haha...

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