Gender - To know or not to know?

[justlemonade]

20 week scan on Monday and I really can't decide whether to find out the gender or not. DH would like to. We have a DD who is 3yrs and she keeps talking about her 'baby brother' so I'd like to be able to prepare her for what is to come.

We didn't find out the gender with DD and I loved the surprise at the end of labour, but I don't know what to do for the best this time.

Sorry if this seems a trivial post as I know lots of people are asking for help with serious problems on this board. I just want to know what you all think the pros and cons are???

i found out last time (boy) but having a surprise this time. I think it's a girl, but i don't mind what I get so want to have the surprise to get me through labour

I wanted to find out after a horrible 1st trimester. Throwing up constantly, insomnia, nausea - I hated being pg, and finding out the gender half way through really perked me up! Plus I was finding out about the kidney function, heart anatomy, leg length etc - why not the gender too?

With DS, I was told at a 17 week scan (was in the states so scanned frequently!) that he was almost definitely a girl. DH and I were so sure he was a boy, we didn't believe the sonographer. then at the anomaly scan, we all saw the willy VERY clearly, and knew he was a boy for sure! I did cry for about 30 seconds after we found out - not because I didn't want a boy, but because I had these 2 dreams - one girl, one boy - and knowing that one dream was effectively over was a tiny bit emotional. Also I needed to pee so much that I was on the verge of tears throughout the scan.

with this pg, we wanted to know again, and have had 3 scans (due to baby position) for the anomaly scan, and at each one have been told 99% sure it's a girl. Or a winkle free boy... Again, I did cry when I found out, but haven't slept for bloody ages, so was/am crying at everything! :o the pregnancy hasn't been so different, and I had no gut instinct this time, so it was very bizarre to find out baby is a girl! Sadly DH had to work so couldn't be there when I found out, but he is thrilled to bits to have a daughter on the way!

I love knowing now, and giving my bump a name, and telling DS he's got a baby sister. We haven't told anyone else the name, but with DS and this one, love referring to baby by the name they will have when they are born.

I get that some folk don't want to know, and like the surprise, but hate the 'ooh, you've spoiled the surprise' shit I got from some people. IMO the actual baby is a pretty big surprise, no matter what is between their legs - so knowing DS was male was great, but we had NO idea what he'd look like, what his personality would be like (which is probably for the best, as he is currently very busy being a 2 year old and thus ghastly), didn't know how big he'd be, or how much hair he'd have, or when he would smile for the first time, or laugh, or sit up, or walk etc etc. Those surprises have been wonderful, and knowing what was between his legs before he was born has made no difference to my enjoyment of getting to know my baby!

I didn't find out with either of mine which is against my personality as I am so nosey and don't like to be kept out of a secret. My main reason for not finding out is the surprise not just for me but for telling others. I am rubbish at keeping my own secrets so I would have to tell everyone.

I have had a DD and a DS and this time I am almost positive it is another boy. I nearly bought something blue the other day. At the scan, I thought I saw something that looked like boys bits but I couldn't be completely sure. I don't know if the sonographer was anywhere near that area and I was at a bit of an angle. DH who had a clear look at the screen didn't see anything. I felt a bit sad after my 20 week scan because I felt that the surprise had been taken away from me. I also don't know how well you would be able to see boy bits if you had specifically asked not to know. I assume the sonographer would skip over them bits quite fast.

We found out both times, because we were very curious and wanted to know everything we could about our babies.

We didn't find out with DD because we wanted a surprise. When she was actually born we realised what a big deal that was in itself, what she looked like, how we felt etc.

So this time round we decided to find out at the scan (DD2!) It was lovely to be honest. I'm realistic and know it may be wrong, but I'm having lots of fun waiting for the 'other' surprises that childbirth brings, I'm gagging to know if this one will be as beautiful as her sister (not biased at all ) and we've picked a name for her (as well as an emergency boys name!)

The best bit is we haven't told anyone that we've found out (except for the whole of the internet now!) DH and I giggle over it when people ask, and we have challenged each other not to let anyone know, to see who might slip up or crack first. So far we've managed (34 weeks now) and it's killing me not telling my mum in particular!

So in other words fo what's right for you, there really is no right or wrong way to do it

First time DH and I were both hoping for a girl, but I was sure it was actually a boy. So we decided to find out so that we wouldn't convince ourselves it was a girl and get a shock. We were thrilled it was a boy within about 2 hrs of finding out.

But I suggested it because a friend had recently had a baby that turned out to be a girl when she was expecting a boy, and she told me she felt numb for about a week. It wasn't that she was disappointed that she had a girl, but she'd been so sure it was a boy that she'd invested all her energy into bonding with her baby boy, picked his name etc etc, and she said for several days she just wouldn't accept it was really her baby. Hormones went a long way to causing that, I think, but I just wanted to avoid it.

Also, DH is French and all family there seemed to think I was weird when I originally said we didn't plan to find out, and MIL and others got really huffy about it, and basically implied I was doing it deliberately to exclude them.

With DC2 we asked because we'd asked with DS1. They couldn't get a very good view and said 80% sure it's a boy. We're assuming nothing...

DD had her legs splayed at the 14 week scan so we were pretty sure she was a girl, which was odd, DP and I had both picked out boys names, but not guven any thought to a girls name.

Would definitely find out again, I like being able to prepare, sort through all the hand me downs (sell what isn't suitable) and loved picking a name.

I couldn't stand not knowing, I was so desperate to find out!

I suspected that this baby was a girl from the start and it has been confirmed by two scans now. If the NHS scan wasn't able to tell I would have had to have gone private to know.

I honestly have no preference either way, I just really wanted to be able to call my baby 'he' or 'she' (and buying cute dresses is good too!).

I didn't find out with DS, partly due to moving area and missing out on my chance of a scan, but partly because I was so certain that he was a boy it just seemed unnecessary!

Now 40+1 with DC2! I had really hoped for a girl, as I felt it would "complete my family", and I wanted a chance to experience both sides of the coin. The sonographer hummed and hawed, and said she thought it looked like another boy, but she wasn't at all sure. I was hugely upset for a few days, much to my shame, but quickly got used to it. I was another one who had a sort of "imaginary baby", and when she disappeared it felt awful, but the reality of the "real baby" is stronger. I know that we may still get a surprise any day now (!) but we have spent the last 20wks calling baby "him" and feeling we have bonded with him.

Good luck justlemonade!

We found out - had lots of scans around potential medical issues; wanted to have all the knowledge that the medical bods had about our baby

Yes, both times .

We found out. DS gave us no option - the first image on the screen at the scan was totally unmistakeable and the sonographer spent the rest of the scan trying not to laugh. I asked the sex at the end and she said 'Oh, thank goodness you wanted to know!' :o I didn't really have a preference but I found that I bonded much better with him once I knew and felt a lot more positive about the whole pregnancy (which had been unplanned and a bit of a shock!) I'd definitely want to find out again if we ever have no.2.

I desperately wanted a girl and am so glad I found out early that DS was a boy. It meant I had time to come to terms with it, and by the time he arrived I would have been really disappointed to have had anyone but him. That meant a boy. I won't want to know if I have a second, though, because I don't have a preference anymore. I'd be glad of a girl for some reasons, and a boy for others. So the surprise would be nice.

We were desperate to know both times. For whatever reason both times I hoped it was a boy. When DC1 turned out to be a girl at the 20 week scan, there was a smidge of disappointment for 5 mins, but this was rapidly replaced by excitement - your real life DC is so much more powerful an idea than a hypothetical one! Suddenly I thought of DH walking her down the aisle, her having her own babies, etc etc. By the time she was born she had a name and everything and I was delighted with her and wouldn't have swapped her for a boy for all the money in the world - she was my special daughter long before she was born.

This time round I yearned for a boy, even though I knew that if it was a girl I would be thrilled too (little gang of ladies etc etc) and my real life daughter would be so much more of a pull than a hypothetical son. As it turned out they couldn't really tell at either of my NHS scans at 20 and 32 weeks. I was still so keen to know we had a private scan at 33 weeks - revealed a little boy! I was over the moon - he had a name from that moment too and I shouted it out while he was crowning!

Each to their own but people who don't find out when they can baffle me - how can you not want to know! I know I am probably weird though! Knowing their gender and names made me feel very bonded with them long before they were born.

I feel really pleased to have one of each as it feels nicely balanced, but then I know that if I had had two girls or two boys I would have felt equally pleased at having my little gaggle of girls/boys!

The only difference is I think now we have one of each we are more likely to stop at 2 - had DC2 also been a girl I might have been tempted to see if a DC3 would have been a boy!

I think it's possible to say "if we had a choice I would choose a boy/girl" and at the same time be delighted if you find out you are actually having the opposite sex to what you would have plumped for given the choice.

im pregnant with my 3rd child and i found out the sex .....its great knowing what you are having because you can plan ahead, choose a name and colour co-ordinate if you want. but on the other hand its nice to have a surprise. i couldnt find out the sex of my first or 2nd child as they were sat in the wrong positions so it ended up being a pleasant surprise. i did really want to find out with 2nd just so i knew if i was having another dd or a ds so i could prepare the bedroom they were sharing accordingly. either way its no less of a surprise whichever way you choose to do it

Pros: Only have to argue about one set of names with DH.
Able to talk to elder sibling about the baby in mummy's tummy as a "he" rather than and "it" - I felt "it" was rather impersonal and put baby sister/brother in the "toy" category rather than "person", iyswim? "She likes it when you talk to her" preferable to "it likes it when you talk to it".

Cons: I can't honestly think of any. Some people say you lose the "surprise", but frankly, the fact a baby has come out of my fanjo is always a surprise to me! Even though I know in my head that's what happens...
And there are enough surprises that going along with meeting this whole new person, such as temperament and all the rest of it, that to me, boy/girl isn't 'the big reveal'...

Also, in interests of full disclosure - I didn't realise I had any gender preference until I found out DC2 was a boy at the scan. And then I spent 24 hours sobbing that i wasn't going to have two girls and obviously a boy+girl couldn't be close siblings in the way two girls would. Which is/was ridiculous but hormones have a lot to answer for...And, of course, he's wonderful and many people have pointed out that girl+girl doesn't always = close. I am glad I had the time to get my head around that before he arrived though.

I didn't find out.

Personally I love the "It's an x" moment at birth.

The thought that I would soon find out the answer to the question I'd been wondering about for 9 months really helped get me through labour!

We found out with DS1 but didn't with DS2 because he was in an awkward position. Having had experience of both, I think I preferred having a surprise.

I mean it was nice to know DS1 was a DS, especially as I could then buy clothes, decorate the spare room from pink to blue and bond with my son but there was feeling, like others have said on here, that we opened our presents too soon iykwim.

I found that not knowing the sex with DS2 gave me something extra to focus on during labor and possibly helped me bond with him because once he was out, I remember feeling a compete rush of ' wow another boy how absolutely fantastic'. I really enjoyed speculating all through my pregnancy as to what we were having.

On the other hand, second time round I really had no preference in regards to sex. If I had, I think I might have booked an additional scan to find out, so I could get my head round things in advance. Also DS1 was desperate for a sister and was a little disappointed when he ended up with a brother (though he dotes on him now :o ) and I think having time for him to get used to the idea would have been good for him. If your DD has strong feelings either way, I would err towards finding out.

I like not knowing.

And it freaks me out when other people name the baby while it is still in utero. I think I have an ill-defined superstition about it. I really really dislike it.

I love it when people don't find out. I think it is the 'right' decision to leave it as a surprise. I don't have many indefensible opinions, but this is one of them.

People who find out are wrong

My son was thrilled with his sister, he didn't care that she was a girl even though he thought it would be a boy. I think he thought that a girl was 'less competition' in some way.

Also if you don't find out, you can avoid buying/ being bought swathes of pink or blue stuff. It saves money :)

Because of various genetic test I had to have done, I decided to find out the sex. I felt very much like Chateauneuf, tbh. When the clinic called me with the news that it was a boy, I was upset/disappointed for a few days as, although I didn't realise it at the time, I must have wanted a girl deep down. If you'd asked me though, I would have said I didn't mind! Therefore for me, finding out prevented disappointment after the birth.

Tbh, when he did arrive, it was such a surprise to finally see his lovely face and we couldn't have been happier! It really didn't matter that we knew he was a boy. And now I'm really glad that he's a boy as he's like the tomboy in me which is just fab. If I'd had a girl she would probably have liked pink and shopping ? urgh!!!

It's a surprise whenever you find out. You don't know beforehand what you are having therefore it is as much as a surprise at 20 weeks as it is at 40 weeks. I don't get why people think it is only a 'surprise' at 40 weeks. Some people prefer to have the surprise as soon as possible, others as late as possible. Neither option is right or wrong, neither makes you a better or worse parent.

OP - in your situation I'd probably consider knowing this time if only because of your DD. If my 3yo DS was just looking forward to the baby I might wait but if he were saying it was definitely a brother or definitely a sister I might want to know so I had 4+ months to get him used to a different gender, rather than risk him being sulky about it when the baby is born. Knowing my 3yo he would be very sulky if the baby wasn't exactly as he wanted!

My 8 year old brother really wanted a brother when my little sister was born. He really convinced himself that it was a boy. When she arrived, it took him weeks to get over the disappointment. However it all ended well when he gave her his favourite old bedtime 'friend'.

I asked at 20 weeks for both of mine - couldn't stand not knowing what the sonographer knew about my baby. We didn't go all out & name them there & then -we waited until they arrived and met them to know who they were. Took some neutral stuff & some specific items in (to allow for mistakes!)

Have never regretted asking - you do what is right for you. I have never belittled someone's choice at waiting, and wonder why people have always felt so smug when saying that waiting to find out is better. For you, yes. For me, no.

I had CVS with DS so knew definitively at 14 weeks. I was over the moon. I was told at 18 I wouldn't have children, so at 36 after a MMC and early scares to actually be expecting a boy! I really wanted a boy, badly. I cried with happiness for days.

After another MMC, we found out with DD at 20 wk scan. DH was over the moon, I was surprised as I had convinced myself I would have 2 boys. We weren't 100 pc sure she was a girl though as the scan wasn't definitive. I had her standing up in hospital and the midwives caught her - ( got to hospital with 4 mins to spare ) - and the umbilical cord was in such a position DH was convinced we'd had another boy!

Hello justlemonade just been discussing this on the July thread.

We haven't found out in the past (have two boys). First time I definitely wanted the surprise, second time I wouldn't have minded finding out but DP wanted the surprise. Glad we did that though, it was pretty magical delivering DS2 in a birthpool, he was lifted straight up to my chest and we were staring at his face not knowing if he was a girl or boy, then I felt his very obvious bits! :)

Really not sure what to do this time, our 20 week scan is next week. The main thing making me think we should find out is that DS2 is already adamant that the baby is a boy and it would be easier to prepare him and DS1 if we knew the gender. On the other hand, I'm sure they'd be fine if we didn't find out, I certainly wasn't affected when my siblings were born and we didn't know in advance if they were girls or boys. Also I did like having the surprise, it's such fun to do the girl/boy announcement. And I'm not a fan of the gendered baby clothes, pastel blues and pinks are really not my thing.

The thing that worries me most though is that they will make a mistake, we only get one scan and I think it would mess with my head if I was expecting one gender and got the other! Even if we did find out I don't think I'd really allow myself to believe it :)

There isn't a right or wrong thing to do, it's like all other parenting decisions, do what suits you and your family best!