Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

Gender - To know or not to know?

169 replies

justlemonade · 07/02/2012 22:07

20 week scan on Monday and I really can't decide whether to find out the gender or not. DH would like to. We have a DD who is 3yrs and she keeps talking about her 'baby brother' so I'd like to be able to prepare her for what is to come.

We didn't find out the gender with DD and I loved the surprise at the end of labour, but I don't know what to do for the best this time.

Sorry if this seems a trivial post as I know lots of people are asking for help with serious problems on this board. I just want to know what you all think the pros and cons are???

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

MeconiumHappens · 08/02/2012 16:41

I was always adament i wouldnt find out. I always felt it was opening your presents before xmas and really disliked it when people tell everyone the sex, what it will be called etc before its even here. My friends who are pregnant also feel strongly the same way. I definately feel there is a bit of a smug element to 'waiting' for the surprise. So at 20 week scan we didnt want to know.
However, we changed our mind! at our private 3d scan we decided to find out. DH felt that it would really help him relate to the unborn baby and i was a bit worried that my gender preference (as stupid as it is as i will adore any baby) would taint that moment of meeting our baby. So we found out and are really pleased we did! However, we have decided to keep it to ourselves which has been really exciting and lovely :) Noone suspects we have found out as we've always said we wouldnt.

Ps sircharles we definately wouldnt have seen gender at 4d scan unless we asked.

PosiePumblechook · 08/02/2012 16:43

At my 4d scan the sonographer said that she could my dd's 'hamburger'... completely ruined the moment.

R2PeePoo · 08/02/2012 16:58

I found out with DD as I was struggling to deal with being pregnant and finding out she was a girl allowed me to imagine having a little girl rather than a generic child. Everytime I referred to the baby in my tummy as 'it', it upset me and I felt alienated from the pregnancy. After her birth I was completely out of it and couldn't have processed the information.

I didn't find out with DS because I didn't have any preferences or issues with the pregnancy. It gave me a chance to subtly push my preferred boys name as we had to choose names for both genders . It was the climax of a brilliant labour to have DH cut the cord and tell me that we had a little boy. He mostly wore DD's old clothes as I'm not into the whole pink/blue thing so there were lots of brightly coloured bodysuits etc for him to wear. The spare room was yellow anyway so there was no decorating to do.

Sudaname · 08/02/2012 17:07

PosiePumble - that is awful. What a vulgar unprofessional expression. I would have complained - if only to have her desist from using that expression in the future.

I mean can you imagine the hoo ha if someone described a baby girls or little girls genitalia as that after their birth!

tethersend · 08/02/2012 17:18

The sonographer used 'hamburger' when describing my DD too. Come to think of it, they did the other day with as-yet unborn DD2. But only after saying "So you prefer a boy?" when I arrived at the scan with DD1

Jbck · 08/02/2012 17:22

Found out with both DDs. First time I was really glad as I was convinced baby was a boy and it gave me time to get used to the idea. 2nd time was similar to OP to prepare DD1 if baby wasn't the baby sister that she was desperate for.

Divatheshopaholic · 08/02/2012 18:00

Found out second time, it helped dd bond with ds be3fore born. She was 2 year old, she talks about ds being in mummy`s tummy all the time. It was good experinece.

PenneyAnne · 08/02/2012 18:26

We found out with first and they were adamant it was a boy. As a result dd was nameless for about 3 weeks.

naughtymummy · 08/02/2012 18:26

I think it is interesting people saying I had apreferance so I found out. For me it was the opposite. With dd had totally convinced myself was having second ds, then she arrived !Seeing that it was a baby girl was honestly the best moment of my life. However if I were to have dc3I think I might find out. Having a ds and a.ddI realy would have no preferance and that is why I might be tempted :)

HardCheese · 08/02/2012 18:37

My baby isn't due for another six weeks, so bear with me! We asked to be told the sex at the scan, because it never really occurred to us not to - it was just one of the very few things we could know about our unborn child, though it has made no difference to clothes-buying etc, as we don't do that kind of blue-pink thing. (Plus, the baby doesn't have a room at the moment, and all clothes are handmedowns in all possible colours.)

And while I had no conscious sex preference going into that scan, I must have had a completely unconscious one because I then got quite upset for a few days. I'm now thrilled and excited to be having this baby, and cannot imagine having one of the other sex, but I actually think it was very helpful to have some advance notification so I could process a confusion I didn't know I was going to feel. I know I will find birth and first-time new parenthood extremely strange and surprising without needing a gender surprise at the birth , and I'm glad I won't be dealing with feelings of gender disappointment as well as all the other new mother emotions.

ilovesprouts · 08/02/2012 18:47

my dd is due july she finds out nxt fri what shes having she has ds1 as well but shes not botherd anyhow

Snowboarder · 08/02/2012 19:03

HardCheese , interesting that you say you had no idea you had a preference because I'd be hard pressed to say I have one either but that's not to say there's not something lurking under the surface. I had thought I would be fine not knowing, but now I wonder if it would make more sense to deal with any unconscious feelings that arise before the baby is born?

SianBB · 08/02/2012 19:04

Yep - we had absolutely no common ground when it came to name so it made sense.

Having a newborn is as much of a surprise as you need IMO :)

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/02/2012 19:10

I wanted to know. I am too lazy to think up two sets of names didn't want to get attached to names that I would then have no chance of using.

exoticfruits · 08/02/2012 19:15

DH and I knew, but we told everyone we didn't. We never told them afterwards that we had known.

precariouslybalanced · 08/02/2012 19:22

OP, we also couldn't decide whether to know or not know. In the end, asked the sonographer to write in on a bit of paper and put it in a sealed envelope. Envelope practically burned a hole in our pockets/bookshelf until we opened it, but we did only open it when we decided we definitely wanted to know. No regrets whatsoever. No reason why your psychological progression through the pregnancy should coincide with what the medical folks are or are not able to do for you at any appointed time.

NewRowSees · 08/02/2012 19:24

We had a surprise, which was lovely. Neither of us had any preference whatsoever, so it didn't really matter - the fact that we were having a baby was mindblowing enough for us!

Having said that, it would have been easier to sort out names if we'd know we were having a boy, but where's the fun in that!? :)

ShipsCat · 08/02/2012 19:31

We weren't going to find out first time around, but when we knew it was twins, we decided it was going to make preparations so much easier!
I had a very wobbly couple of days (and cried at the hospital) when we found out they were both boys, as I really thought they were both girls.
After those couple of days, I was really excited about my 2 sons, and it made choosing names much easier
With DC3 we were adamant that we would have a surprise, but as the DTs were going round telling everyone that Mummy had a baby sister in her tummy, we thought we's better find out so we could let them down gently if necessary, but as it turned out, they were right

chummymummy7 · 08/02/2012 20:39

Some hospitals have a 'no-tell' policy, which neatly takes the decision out of your hands - unless you go for a private scan.

So...we found out with our first (a girl...we were just too excited not to find out!) but we are having a surprise this time with our second.

I'm at 35 weeks now and it's extra exciting not knowing 'who' is coming. I just really want to have the experience of the "it's a ...." moment at the time of birth.

But each to their own, of course.

perfectstorm · 08/02/2012 20:46

My DH is the cautious type, so at the 20 week scan he said, "Are you sure?" The sonographer said she hoped so because if not we were having a daughter with a scrotum.

FiveHoursSleep · 08/02/2012 20:52

We found out for all 4. It was still a surprise, just earlier than at the birth and I really think it helped me bond with the new baby, and helped the others feel a little less unsettled about the new baby that was going to come and live with us.
There are so many surprises when a baby is born; what's the birth going to be like, How big is the baby, hair or no hair, who does it look like etc, etc that I really didn't feel already knowing the sex took anything away from the experience.
Also, No4 was a boy after three girls and I needed the 28 weeks I had to get my head around that!

LittleWhiteWolf · 08/02/2012 20:56

We didn't find out with DD (although we were 99% sure she was a girl for some reason) and we've done the same for DC2. I just think its such a lovely surprise to get and for DH in particular to be able to ring everyone to say "the baby's here and its a girl/boy" etc is wonderful for him.

Other people have other opinions of course, but for DH and I it was so special to discover DD at the birth rather than halfway through the pregnancy if that makes sense.

HavingAnOffDAy · 08/02/2012 21:04

Didn't find out with DC1 (DD) but did find out with DC2 (DS).

I can honestly say we didn't do anything differently during pregnancy with DS - we didn't tell a soul that we knew the gender and I never bought anything blue/boyish for him as I think newborns look gorgeous in white.

I was nice knowing though, in the same way it was nice not knowing with DD IYSWIM.

For me the surprise was the same both times, though maybe I felt less pressured with DS as I'd given DH his much longed for DD already

I did have a little cry at not being able to reuse all the girl stuff again - though I think it was more not wanting to accept DD was growing up more than anything

crustyonion · 08/02/2012 21:09

My first two pregnancies were unsuccessful, so when it got to the 20 week scan with the third I was adamant I didn't want to know the gender. I just wanted a healthy baby. DP was desperate to find out though. DS was born unexpectedly at home, but perfectly healthy despite being tiny. (Nasty Midwife decided to inform me that if he'd been 200g less he'd have been in SCBU - why tell me that? Made me paranoid. I digress...)

When I was pregnant with DC2, again I wanted a surprise. DP persuaded me over weeks that it would be helpful to know to prepare DS for his sibling. I eventually gave in. DS on the other hand would not countenance that it could be a boy. Every time we said "your brother or sister" he just replied "sister". He just wouldn't have it any other way.

The pregnancy was completely different to DS's so everyone told me it was definitely a girl. I didn't care what we had so long as the baby was healthy. We asked at the 20 week scan, but DC2 was having none of it & hid behind the umbilical cord. DP's face was the very picture of disappointment. I laughed! I had my way whilst getting brownie points for agreeing to find out.

I must have been expecting a boy though because I was startled when I looked down to see DD didn't have a willy. Delighted!

DS when he meet his sister: "Told you mummy".

stella1w · 08/02/2012 21:14

I found out both times. I had a girl and secretly wanted another one. Finding out I was expecting a son helped me make it real for my daughter - "you are getting a brother", and gave me time to adjust. Also gave me time to work out what could be handed down and what I needed to buy..

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7