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Gender - To know or not to know?

169 replies

justlemonade · 07/02/2012 22:07

20 week scan on Monday and I really can't decide whether to find out the gender or not. DH would like to. We have a DD who is 3yrs and she keeps talking about her 'baby brother' so I'd like to be able to prepare her for what is to come.

We didn't find out the gender with DD and I loved the surprise at the end of labour, but I don't know what to do for the best this time.

Sorry if this seems a trivial post as I know lots of people are asking for help with serious problems on this board. I just want to know what you all think the pros and cons are???

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ardenbird · 08/02/2012 13:17

I found out, because I'm the kind who doesn't like surprises of any kind! When someone asked, but what about good surprises, I said, okay, but as long as you warned me it was coming...

As coming DD is our first child, I am also finding it very helpful in visualising the life change more concretely I know what sex to put in the visions of "future with child". I also think it has helped DH a lot he was a bit wary of the whole fatherhood thing, but has now started noticing fathers interacting with their daughters, and coming up with ideas about how to his share life and likes with her.

But as others have said, you have to find out what is best for you.

The one thing I don't like about knowing the sex (and telling it), is that we now have to put up an anti-pink shield against the relatives, which has not been completely successful. So far the pink gifts are fairly tasteful, but I don't want a bubble-gum themed baby room! Saying the room is pastel green and that green is my favorite colour seems to have diverted some of the pink.

PosiePumblechook · 08/02/2012 13:20

I found out with each and it was lovely. I also new when the last two would be born as they were elcs.

Baby one...boy.

Baby two, thick nuchal and so had cvs and new the sex very early. Boy
Baby three. wanted a girl so found out. Girl
Baby four. Just because we knew others and wanted a baby posie. Boy.

monkeypuzzeltree · 08/02/2012 13:21

I am in exactly the same boat, scan next week. DH wants a surprise, I just don't know, I know that he will be thrilled either way, but I know he would love a boy, we already have a DD. I'm just worried that in the rush of hormonal craziness, if it is a girl, I'll be worrying if he would prefer a girl. Mad I know.

But then a surprise would be lovely. Hard isn't it!

mumsrthebest · 08/02/2012 13:29

I found out and it was the best thing we ever did. We were able to prepare things alot better knowing that she was a little girl. It was also a lovely surpprise as we really wanted a girl but we were convinced that she was a boy. Its a personal choice though.

4madboys · 08/02/2012 13:35

we didnt find out with the first 3, all boys, we did with no 4, also a boy, because i wanted to get all 'oh no not another boy, poor you' type comments out of the way before he was born.

we found out with no5 as well, that was a last minute decision, we werent going to but the sonographer said she had a really clear view of the sex and so did we want to know, dp said yes! then she said it was a girl and we didnt believe her, poor woman checked a hundred times and still paid privately for a 4d scan at 28wks to check and even then didnt buy anything girly really until she was born!

my friend was told at 20wk scan it was a girl and has just had a private 4d scan to see that it is infact a boy! so they do still get it wrong.

we are done now, but if we did have another i wouldnt find out.

PosiePumblechook · 08/02/2012 13:55

[ponders how many people said that mad4boys could stop now she had her girl]

4madboys · 08/02/2012 13:59

well if i had £1 for everytime i got that kind of comment i would be much richer Grin

tho i have had a few say to me i MUST have another so i can have another girl so she can have a playmate...cos she cant just play with her brothers and obviously i could guarantee i would have a girl... Hmm

PosiePumblechook · 08/02/2012 14:02

I have three boys and one girl. People did wonder why I nada fourth when I already had my girl, dc3.

PosiePumblechook · 08/02/2012 14:02

Autocorrect

LadyMontdore · 08/02/2012 14:05

We didn't find out with either and we loved having a suprise. The midwives seemed to like it too!
With DD2 DH would have liked a boy but of course was delighted when dd2 was a girl. I think he'd have been dissapointed if we'd found out earlier though.
I love the 'it's a girl!' moment!

4madboys · 08/02/2012 14:06

they wondered because they are stupid!! you have children because you want a CHILD regardless of gender, i did anyway. we planned on 4, no 5 was our 'bonus' baby and its lovely to have a girl purely from the clothes pov Blush but the reality is it doesnt seem to make much difference with any aspects of parenting, at least not yet, she is only just 14mths old :) she is very loved by her big brothers who dote on her! but i am pretty sure they would have been the same with a boy.

KnitterNotTwitter · 08/02/2012 14:07

We found out with DS as DH was being a bugger and refusing to discuss girls names as he was convinced that we were expecting a boy. I was neutral to girl on the issue. When we were told 'boy' DH was unbelievably smug and I was so surprised....

I'm pregnant with DD now... we found out this time as we liked spreading out our surprises last time and because DS was sure DD was a DS... He had a name picked out and everything. Finding out gave us time to get him used to the idea that actually a sister was quite a good idea really.

I also found that when I knew the sex with DS lots of people offered us bundles of clothes for boys. I barely bought any clothes until he was 2 ys old which obviously saved us a small fortune. As we've told people that DD is a girl we've had the same offers for which I'm eternally grateful.

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 08/02/2012 14:08

Meeting your baby is not ruined by knowing the sex. You will still be bothered to push it out even though you know what it is.

BeattieBow · 08/02/2012 14:09

I am not finding out this time, although my other children are desperate to know. It is definitely my last and I really have no preference as to what I have.

I wasn't going to find out last time either, but dh asked at a very late scan I had (34 weeks). i was Angry with him as I had waited so long for a surprise and he spoiled it.

I have 5 other children and I honestly can't remember who I found out with and who I didn't, so I can't say that it makes any difference in the long run.

PosiePumblechook · 08/02/2012 14:10

My girl has found her identity in being a 'girl' although school has helped. She is the 'biggest' of mine, image 8 clothes at 5.... Because she's tall, I am 5'2". I love all f my children but do feel a different bond with my dd.

bumpers · 08/02/2012 14:45

Summerleaze - when I was at my 20 week scan i told the sonographer we didnt want to know the sex but during the scan I saw the boys bits on the screen. My DH didnt see anything but I did, definitely. I was also quite sad after the scan because I also felt that I had the surprise taken away from me. So imagine my surprise at the birth when my husband announced that we'd had a girl! I got it SOOOOO wrong and the willy was in fact the cord. Was an AMAZING surprise - and sharing the news was extra special with friends and family because they all thought that we were having a boy too. If we have another (hope so!) then we'd defo not find out - my DH telling me it was a boy then a girl are moments I will never forget :-)

duchesse · 08/02/2012 14:50

We wanted it stay a surprise till the birth each time. I had strong feelings with each one though, to the extent of visualising them as toddlers. I wa right with the first three, wrong with the 4th. We felt that we knew practically everything else about them, including the shape of their upper lips (ultrasonographers seem to focus a lot on the upper lip for some reason) so we didn't want to have this last piece of information too early.

Chubfuddler · 08/02/2012 14:55

I am a control freak and wanted to know. Tbh finding out at 20 weeks number two was a dd was a massive surprise, I was convinced I would have two boys in a row like my mother, her mother and her mothers mother.

MummyMoo13 · 08/02/2012 15:06

I will be 22 weeks on this coming Thursday. The Thursday just gone, I had a scan and we found out we're expecting a little boy!

I think it's good to find out what you're having so that you can paint the nursery in a corresponding colour, plus you can decide whether to buy combat pants and jeans or pretty skirts and dresses!

My other half is so happy we're expecting a little boy as it means that he can take him climbing and kayaking when he's old enough, not that he couldn't do this with a girl of course, but he didn't fancy buying dolls instead of boys toys! :)

GruffalowsMammy · 08/02/2012 15:09

We didn't find out, and neither of us wanted to, I did have a wobble at the 20 week scan but I knew that if I found out I was having a boy I would spend the pregnancy gazing longingly at all the fab little girls toys/clothes etc
and I knew that on the day I would be so happy and overcome by having the baby that the sex would be irrelevant (I had a boy).

One thing I don't get is that people seem to think or act as though being told the gender from the scan is a 100% and I've been told by nurses its only 80%, no way would I buy a gender specific wardrobe/ nursery on those odds.

DucketyDuckDuck · 08/02/2012 15:10

I found out at 20 week scan was a girl.

I remember being shocked and disappointed - I just honestly thought that I would be having a boy. I had a seriously disfunctional relationship with my own mother, and was scared that history would repeat. So I am glad I found out as it gave me time to get used to the idea.

And now two years later. I found out I am nothing like my own mother. I adore my daughter. History doesn't have to repeat, and not that I'm a particularly religious person, but I do like to think God sent me what I needed, not what I wanted.

Each to their own, it was the right thing for me to do.

SirCharles · 08/02/2012 15:29

interesting thread! We dont know the sex and are now 25 weeks but were hoping to have a 4D scan to bond with the LO. Does anyone know if it is possible to have the 4D scan and NOT find out the gender?

BigBadBear · 08/02/2012 15:44

When I was told I was having a girl, the sonographer said: "Look, there are her ovaries!" rather than trying to see if there was anything between the legs. So I was pretty sure.

Murtette · 08/02/2012 15:57

I'm another one who doesn't understand how its less of a surprise if you find out at 20 weeks rather than 40 weeks. With DD, I was very glad that we had found out as, when she was born, she was grey & floppy and on the resus bed for the first few minutes. It was enough dealing with that, blood loss, the fact that epidural had gone up as well as down and the umpteen questions I was being asked and was asking myself without processing the "is it a boy/girl" information and working out how I felt about that. It was still a delightful surprise to meet her as I didn't have a clue what she'd look like, feel in my arms etc.
I'm now 27 weeks and we found out at the scan that it was a boy. Despite the fact that I strongly suspected that, I was still disappointed and took a couple of days to get used to the fact. I'm glad that that happened when it did and not immediately post labour. Even now I still have a pang when I walk through the newborn girls bit in a shop and realise I'll never be buying any of those items again, other than as gifts. I'm also glad as it means I can prepare DD (currently asking if she can have a sister as well), sort out clothes (whilst we didn't go for particularly pink or frilly newborn clothes, some of them are definitely more girly that neutral) and just so I can visualise things a bit more. I still don't know whether DS will look like DD did, how big he'll be, his personality or anything else and am desperate to meet him. Having had a couple of friends who have had the other sex baby to what they were told at the scan (admittedly more likely with a girl than a boy), I will definitely be packing some neutral things in my hospital bag. And have a girls name ready just in case.
I love knowing what I'm going to have.

busyboysmum · 08/02/2012 16:40

We didn't find out with any of ours.

Mind you, dh comes from a family of 18 boys and no girls so we kind of knew the odds were skewed towards boys.

And that's what we have - 3 gorgeous boys.

I liked the element of surprise (not much however as all 3 pregnancies were identical - we seem to do little blonde clone babies!!)