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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Gender - To know or not to know?

169 replies

justlemonade · 07/02/2012 22:07

20 week scan on Monday and I really can't decide whether to find out the gender or not. DH would like to. We have a DD who is 3yrs and she keeps talking about her 'baby brother' so I'd like to be able to prepare her for what is to come.

We didn't find out the gender with DD and I loved the surprise at the end of labour, but I don't know what to do for the best this time.

Sorry if this seems a trivial post as I know lots of people are asking for help with serious problems on this board. I just want to know what you all think the pros and cons are???

OP posts:

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BelleDameSansMerci · 08/02/2012 21:44

It was my first question at the scan...

To be fair, it was totally unexpected and I was 41 - I knew I wouldn't be having any more. I got what I'd always hoped for. And she is just like me - much to my mother's amusement.

anonymum11 · 08/02/2012 21:46

We've got one DD. I talked to our midwife before the scan and she knew of times that the wrong sex had been given, so we decided to wait for the surprise. I didn't like the term 'bump' so said 'little one' instead, and still do now she's here - although at 2yo, she's not quite so little any more.

RealTimeMum · 08/02/2012 21:59

Found out with both. Number 1 was a boy - it was only when they said so that I realised I had no idea at all about boys and rushed out to buy some books. Glad I did - helped a lot. Number 2 they said another boy, but they were wrong! I'm glad they were wrong that way round - though I wish we had a name prepared in advance. And it took me weeks to say goodbye to the baby boy I had been expecting. I think you have to just watch yourself a bit not to over-bond beforehand.

InmaculadaConcepcion · 08/02/2012 22:02

I found out definitively after having an amniocentesis that we were having a girl. Good job, because that was what DH wanted (I was more neutral).

I think next time round I would like to know before the birth and DH still prefers the idea of a girl so if we were having a boy, I'd want him to have plenty of time to adjust.

Grannyonahorse · 08/02/2012 22:49

Many years ago when my daughter was first married my mother - who had had a very grand upbringing - was telling her new grandson in law all about her season in London when she'd come out and had been presented to the king. He listened with some obvious ashtonishment and couldn't wait to ask me later in some privacy if my dear mum had really been a lesbian.

Grannyonahorse · 08/02/2012 22:52

OH dear last message supposed to be on thread about old fashioned language - can some one move it? I'm going to bed!

Original poster

justlemonade · 08/02/2012 22:55

Wow! What a lot of responses! I've just shown DH the thread!
Still unsure, but am leaning towards finding out on Monday. I guess I'll just have to post again after the scan.

OP posts:

msbossy · 08/02/2012 23:20

I didn't find out either time. I don't think there's anything you need to do or buy or plan for differently for boys and girls. The genderising of everything is bad enough once they're born. It's not like a newborn needs y-fronts or bra .

schoolgatepsycho · 08/02/2012 23:35

we found out with DS1 and i was so leaning towards a girl that i needed to find out. Anyways DS2 was spotted and I did feel disappointed for about 10 mins to be honest, but then there were a few dodgy measurements which meant re scanning etc and suddenly gender didn't matter, I just wanted my son to be OK. And he was in the end, and he's such an individual I just couldn't love him any more! You'll love your baby whether you find out or not. Do what you feel is right for you on the day and good luck with it all x

oikopolis · 08/02/2012 23:39

We're going to find out, because DH would prefer a boy and would like some time to adjust if it's not :) which i think is sensible. There's enough change going on at birth and afterwards without having to deal with gender disappointment.

turbulenteddy · 08/02/2012 23:40

I really don't understand why people choose not to know.

You'd almost have had to look away from the scan to not know in my experience. If you're superstitious about finding out about the gender how can you feel good about looking at your unborn baby on the monitor at all?

I found out at 13 weeks after a CVS test. It would have seemed stupid to want to know part of the results and not all of them.

As it turns out we had a very healthy boy. Knowing the gender in advance only added to the excitement.

PrincessPrecious · 09/02/2012 00:04

Yes, did find out we were having a girl. I just like to find out things if the information is there. Don't like surprises. Many women don't seem to want to find out though.

LilyBolero · 09/02/2012 00:15

I didn't for my 1st three, I did for my last, for two reasons - dd really wanted a sister, and I wanted to break it to her gently if it was a boy (which he was, and a mighty gorgeous one too!), and also, I didn't want to have a girl's name ready, because I knew this would be my last baby, and I didn't want a name 'out there' that would never be used.

AcquaViolet · 09/02/2012 02:16

Lemonade I can see how finding out might help you with preparing DD if it?s a girl. Judging by crustyonion?s story, your DD could be right.

We found out last week that our first DC is a boy. We thought it easier to know one way or another if possible. I'm glad we did as I (and I think DH also secretly) desperately want a girl. I was shocked and surprised by my reaction - really quite disappointed and made me grumpy for a good few days. I feel guilty for feeling like that, and opted to lie to all friends and family and say sonographer couldn?t determine gender, rather than telling them. The great news is, I've been able to start focussing on little boys when I'm out and see how cute and cuddly they are and have been checking out all the toys he might like, and think I have managed to twist DH?s arm to have a really cool name for DS. Been good to read this thread to find I'm not the only one who?s felt the same.

HorseyGirl1 · 09/02/2012 08:08

The decision was made for us on the basis of the bits that were very clearly on display! The consultant said do you want to know what you are having and I truly felt like saying ' oh I think we can guess!' It will be exciting no matter what you choose to do. Exciting if you wait to the birth and exciting to find out also. Kind regards. xx

airborne · 09/02/2012 08:23

Didn't find out with first 2 children. Found out with no. 3, just because I wanted to feel what it was like knowing beforehand. I really enjoyed finding out what the sex was - I found myself fantasising about what life would be like with the family - something I don't have the time to do now AND I also felt like a knew a bit about him before he was born! Silly I know, but thats how I felt! It didnt spoil any surprise at all.

BabyGiraffes · 09/02/2012 09:09

I found out with both of mine. It took me eight years and many miscarriages to have my first dd. Actually carrying her to term, giving birth to her and holding a real breathing gorgeous baby was the biggest surprise of my life. To me it felt important to know the sex to visualise what was in my bump and willing her to stay put . With dd2 I also wanted to know mainly because I was curious. I am not sure I had a preference but both dh and I were thrilled to have another dd, and the girls (now aged 4 and 2) are very very close.

shouldnotbehere · 09/02/2012 12:00

I'm a control freak and want to find out, but husband is resolute that he does not, which apparently means that I cannot find out. I'm going to try and work out whether there is a willy though. I really do want to know.

BabyGiraffes · 09/02/2012 12:11

shouldnotbehere It's really your choice whether to find out! How about getting the sonographer to write down what they think it is and giving it to you at the end of the scan. If my dh had expected me not to find out because he didn't want to know then this is what I would have done. It is your baby, too!

HardCheese · 09/02/2012 12:31

Absolutely, shouldnotbehere - many sonographers will do this, and it gives you some options. It is your choice, too, and I don't think you need to be a control freak to want to know your baby's gender - it's quite natural curiosity!

ellee · 09/02/2012 13:16

Never understood this business about it being a "surprise", it's a boy or its a girl... where's the surprise?

Quenelle · 09/02/2012 13:45

I don't think surprise is the right word. It's confirmation that you have a son or a daughter. And what point people choose to get that confirmation is important to them for different reasons.

WworthMummy · 09/02/2012 13:52

Don't find out - it keeps all your friends & family interested to the last minute ;)

Plus you lessen the 'helpful' name suggestions / opinions!

I know people who really wanted a girl & found out they were expecting a boy...they were v fed up and I find that so sad. Once he was out though, of course they loved him to bits; should've just waited IMO as you just get on with it once they're here!

shouldnotbehere · 09/02/2012 14:48

It should be my choice, but DH feels very strongly about wanting the surprise. He doesn't think I'd be able to keep it a secret, so I can't know either. He is being very stubborn over wanting the surprise.

Unless I could ask the sonographer to slip me a piece of paper, without my husband knowing that I know?!

sambrads · 09/02/2012 15:59

I found out with both of my DC and i kept it til myself for the whole time and never even told people i knew. Defo think its better as if people know you know they will ust pester you to find out.
I think its up to everyone to make their own decision.
I think if you find your having a girl or a boy at 20 weeks or at 40 weeks its still n amazing feeling

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